Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin. The BBC do.
50 Ways to Annoy Arthur (series 2)
Congratulate him on rescuing Gwen. Then let your face fall and say "Oh, wait, Lancelot got there first, didn't he?"
Ask him if he'd like to have a half troll for a half brother.
Assure him he's not fat, and to ignore Merlin. Then look him up and down and say "Oh, actually, maybe you should cut down on the sausages a bit..."
Lock yourself in a room with Merlin and Arthur and refuse to let them out until Arthur admits that he did want a hug really, and agrees to hug Merlin.
Ask him if he's ever read The Mists of Avalon. Tell him he might like the solution to his love triangle problem with Guinevere and Lancelot...
Tell him you think he's got mother issues, or he wouldn't have gone so psycho on Uther when Morgause told him the truth. Oops, you meant the lie. Or did you?
Tell him to stand up to Gwen! He wouldn't let Merlin say those things to him! Well, he might but Merlin does it well. Gwen is just annoying. The dragon agrees.
Tell him you think the elaborate tournament cover up was a little bit much just because he wanted to be treated equally.
Tell him that blonde arrogant prince is so last year. Whereas humble but handsome chivalrous knight is the new black. Turn to Gwen and say "Right Gwen?"
Tell everyone you know he snores like a pig. Add "Don't think you can redeem yourself by sleeping shirtless!"
Tell him that it's not wrong to love a servant, and Uther might change his mind. "After all, Merlin is pretty attractive."
Wait until Merlin and Arthur are having an angst argument or are engaged in a more intimate moment e.g. talking while Merlin makes Arthur's bed, and start playing Prince's "Kiss" in the background...
Ask him if he knew he had climbed a wall with a rose between his teeth whilst enchanted by Vivian.
Tell him wearing his crown makes his hair look silly. Do this when Gwen is looking at him to make him even more self conscious.
Tell him Merlin's hiding under his bed at least three times every day.
Say to him over and over "It's your destiny. And chicken."
Ask him to get all playful with Merlin again.
Go up to him when he's having an important conversation with Uther and say "Excuse me, sire. Merlin wanted to know if you'd like a rubber duck in your bath/if you wanted him to personally dry you again like he did last time."
Tell him you always knew he slept with a teddy bear. Pause, then add "I just thought it was Merlin."
Imitate him when he was enchanted, being silly and completely OTT. "Always and forever!" "How do I express my love?" Dance about with a rose, acting lovesick.
Beat your chest like Tarzan and say in a gruff voice "I'm fighting fit!"
Tell him you know what he really does with Merlin when they're alone in the woods together. They play tag.
Beg him whenever you see him to have a real pillow fight with Merlin. Please! Please Arthur!
Tell him you think he's becoming a bit of a manslut, frankly. Gwen and Vivian in one episode *tut tut*. Wait until Uther is within earshot, then say loudly "I just hope you're using protection."
Tell him to become a better person by himself, not wait until a servant girl starts lecturing him in a really annoying way to take action.
Give him a Freudian psychoanalysis – evidently, his preoccupation with his sword is a form of penis anxiety, caused by the absence of his mother, and his father's pressures on him. It has also manifested in his latent homosexual tendencies towards his servant Merlin, which he represses by constantly belittling him and instead showing affection for Gwen...
Tell him you think it's simply adorable that he willingly drank poison for Merlin. Gush on about this for hours, not only to Arthur but also to Gwen, Morgana, Gaius, and Uther.
Offer him a t shirt you made for him which has the slogan on it "My father married a troll."
Tell him he's become the eye candy of the show. Whereas before he was simply the attractive prince. Yeah, okay, he was always the eye candy really.
Tell him you saw Merlin wearing the rope, and frankly, you didn't know he was into homosexual bondage...but, hey, whatever floats his boat.
Ask him if he has a thing about chicken or something. He does use it to try and woo both Gwen and Vivian, does he think girls like poultry or something?
Tell everyone his middle name is clotpole.
Tell him that Merlin's pregnant. Put on your most serious, grave expression and say "What have you been doing?"
Give him some berries and ask him to smear them all over Merlin.
Call him a different nickname every day, in front of as many people as possible – pretty prince, prince pout, Mr. Clotpole...
Ask him if he's too sexy for his crown.
Get Gwen to go up to him and start a conversation, then just casually drop in "Hey Arthur, I've heard Weightwatchers are coming to Camelot, would you be interested in going?" For added effect, have Merlin somewhere nearby eating sausages...
Engineer it so that he overhears as many people as possible talking about what a good couple Gwen and Lancelot made – Morgana, Merlin, Uther, Gaius etc.
Tell him you know he plays Hide and Seek in the middle of the night with Merlin, Gwen and Morgana, and sometimes it gets a bit sexual...
Put a bright pink, frilly saddle on his horse and make sure that all his knights and Uther know that it's his by having Merlin bring it to him.
Tell him you know that him and Merlin weren't getting all sweaty because they were ill, but because they were hot for each other. Add that Morgana knows this too...
Tell him that brushing Gwen's hair back while she sleeps is nothing compared to ripping up his own shirt to fix Merlin's wound, and taking poison for Merlin, and....*reel off long list of things Arthur has done for Merlin*
Plant reams and reams of Morgana/Gwen fic on his person, then engineer it so they all fall out of his bag/from under his shirt when Morgana, Gwen and Merlin are present.
Say to him every single morning "Today is a day for wooing, Arthur!" Throw him at Gwen, Morgana, Merlin, and Lancelot on alternating days.
Tell him that no amount of Gwen hugging him and touching his wound (do this in a really mocking voice) can change his natural chemistry with Merlin.
Trick him into singing "I kissed a dragonlord and I liked it" when Merlin is present.
Wait until he defies Uther again and storms out of the royal court, then sigh loudly, lean forward and say "Puberty really seems to be having an adverse effect on the prince..."
Ask him if his advice to Merlin about not shedding tears over any man comes from first hand experience...
Replace his sword with a rubber one.
Ask him if he's missing Morgana constantly throughout the day.