The Family Guy: "The Last Of The Megans"
By: Justin Boggan
The door to Megan's Math Class room opens and in steps a man.
"Good morning children, I'm Mister Edwards. Your substitute for today. Your regular teacher, Mister Jenning, is out with alcohol poisoning after a long and heavy night of drinking and whore mongering. So I thought we'd begin today's class off with a pop quiz..."
All the class moans, "Awwww..."
"...of next week's subject material."
Megan raises her hand, "Ah, Mister Edwards, we haven't studied next weeks subject material. We barely even learned last weeks'."
"You haven't? Oh very well, then you can all do busy work. Here's my monthly bills and mortgage payment. First person to calculate the total correctly gets an A."
"Mister Edwards, I don't think we can do this," says Megan.
"You're right. I should really be after those pre-algebra brats. Oh yeah, starting tomorrow we will participate in a cultural exchange program. Last night while your teacher was drunk, he put as many names of yours that he could remember into a hat he stole and Meg - you're the lose ... ah, winner," he eyes get shifty.
"What?!"
"Congratulations," he picks up some chalk and starts drawing on the chalk board, "now class, in order to keep a drunk from choking on their own vomit, you gotta roll them over on their stomachs'."
Meg walks in threw the front door.
"Mom, dad, you'll never believe what happened at school today."
"Shhh ... not now honey, daddy's watching Team Knight Rider."
"Grrr, I'm a sexy truck. Whose up for some stupid, pointless wisecracks?"
All the TKR vehicles honk and fire lasers.
"Lois honey, if I try to watch that again, I want you to shoot me. I mean really - shoot. Point blank in the skull and keep firing until you hear the gun clicking."
"Megan sweetheart, what is it?" asks Lois.
"Our teacher said we're going to have a cultural exchange program tomorrow and that I've been picked!"
"Oh, don't worry sweetie. A cultural exchange is when a student from another country comes over here to learn. All you have to do is look smart and be friendly. And if their British, don't stare directly at their teeth."
"Okay, but he has to stay here," says Meg.
"Here? The home is filthy, Peter we got to start cleaning. What if he's Canadian?"
"Canadians like to clean crap up so they can be as close to their natural habitat as possible," replies Peter.
Lois gets up and heads for the kitchen.
"Dad, what's alcohol poisoning?"
"I don't know, go ask Brian honey."
Meg runs upstairs and to her room. She picks up the phone and dials a friend.
"Karen, Meg. Wait till you hear what happened in fifth period..."
Stewie passes by her slightly opened door with his teddy bear in hand.
"What's that she says? A cultural exchange? Rupert," he holds the bear up and looks it dead in the eyes, "I believe this is just the diversion I need to implement my ... [i]plan[/i]," he scurries off.
Brian walks into the living room. He sits next to Peter.
"Hey Brian. I don't see a drink, going sober today?"
"Lois took my drink; she wants me teetotalic."
"Is that even a word?"
"Sort of ... look, I got to have my daily intake, or I just sort of - go unhinged."
"Oh, like a gate door?" asks Peter.
"No, more like I'll wake up and kill you all while you sleep in a violent alcohol deprived rage."
"Brian, don't take this personally, but, ah, I think I'm gonna lock the door tonight."
"Sleep on the couch tonight?"
"If that's all right with you. The couch is pretty comfy .. I mean ... we can get pillows and covers and ... please don't kill me."
"Unfortunately I can't, Lois is hiding all the silverware. Hey Peter, on a totally unrelated note - have you seen those plastic Taco Bell knives?"
"I'm going to coyly ignore that. Have you ever thought about AAA?" asked Peter.
"You mean AA."
"What's the difference?"
"I don't think Triple A will exactly be brimming with pride when I step into their office and announce I'm an alcoholic. And sooner or later they're gonna realize I drove myself there."
"Ah, you'll get over it. Either that, or you'll have a psychotic episode. I'm going to the kitchen. You need anything?" asks Peter.
I was going to say a drink, but thanks anyway."
Peter walks off. Brian turns to watch the television.
Announcer: "We now return to, CHEERS."
"Say Norm, what'll it be"
"Oh, how about a beer?"
Click.
"Don't think about it Brian. Just take your mind off the booze. Just concentrate on something else - anything else," he turns the channel.
"Hi, I'm O.J. Simpson for Ginsue Knives. Ginsue, the first name in killing things," he uses the knife in a stabbing motion, "sorry, I'm used to bananas."
"Huh!" drops the remote.
By: Justin Boggan
The door to Megan's Math Class room opens and in steps a man.
"Good morning children, I'm Mister Edwards. Your substitute for today. Your regular teacher, Mister Jenning, is out with alcohol poisoning after a long and heavy night of drinking and whore mongering. So I thought we'd begin today's class off with a pop quiz..."
All the class moans, "Awwww..."
"...of next week's subject material."
Megan raises her hand, "Ah, Mister Edwards, we haven't studied next weeks subject material. We barely even learned last weeks'."
"You haven't? Oh very well, then you can all do busy work. Here's my monthly bills and mortgage payment. First person to calculate the total correctly gets an A."
"Mister Edwards, I don't think we can do this," says Megan.
"You're right. I should really be after those pre-algebra brats. Oh yeah, starting tomorrow we will participate in a cultural exchange program. Last night while your teacher was drunk, he put as many names of yours that he could remember into a hat he stole and Meg - you're the lose ... ah, winner," he eyes get shifty.
"What?!"
"Congratulations," he picks up some chalk and starts drawing on the chalk board, "now class, in order to keep a drunk from choking on their own vomit, you gotta roll them over on their stomachs'."
Meg walks in threw the front door.
"Mom, dad, you'll never believe what happened at school today."
"Shhh ... not now honey, daddy's watching Team Knight Rider."
"Grrr, I'm a sexy truck. Whose up for some stupid, pointless wisecracks?"
All the TKR vehicles honk and fire lasers.
"Lois honey, if I try to watch that again, I want you to shoot me. I mean really - shoot. Point blank in the skull and keep firing until you hear the gun clicking."
"Megan sweetheart, what is it?" asks Lois.
"Our teacher said we're going to have a cultural exchange program tomorrow and that I've been picked!"
"Oh, don't worry sweetie. A cultural exchange is when a student from another country comes over here to learn. All you have to do is look smart and be friendly. And if their British, don't stare directly at their teeth."
"Okay, but he has to stay here," says Meg.
"Here? The home is filthy, Peter we got to start cleaning. What if he's Canadian?"
"Canadians like to clean crap up so they can be as close to their natural habitat as possible," replies Peter.
Lois gets up and heads for the kitchen.
"Dad, what's alcohol poisoning?"
"I don't know, go ask Brian honey."
Meg runs upstairs and to her room. She picks up the phone and dials a friend.
"Karen, Meg. Wait till you hear what happened in fifth period..."
Stewie passes by her slightly opened door with his teddy bear in hand.
"What's that she says? A cultural exchange? Rupert," he holds the bear up and looks it dead in the eyes, "I believe this is just the diversion I need to implement my ... [i]plan[/i]," he scurries off.
Brian walks into the living room. He sits next to Peter.
"Hey Brian. I don't see a drink, going sober today?"
"Lois took my drink; she wants me teetotalic."
"Is that even a word?"
"Sort of ... look, I got to have my daily intake, or I just sort of - go unhinged."
"Oh, like a gate door?" asks Peter.
"No, more like I'll wake up and kill you all while you sleep in a violent alcohol deprived rage."
"Brian, don't take this personally, but, ah, I think I'm gonna lock the door tonight."
"Sleep on the couch tonight?"
"If that's all right with you. The couch is pretty comfy .. I mean ... we can get pillows and covers and ... please don't kill me."
"Unfortunately I can't, Lois is hiding all the silverware. Hey Peter, on a totally unrelated note - have you seen those plastic Taco Bell knives?"
"I'm going to coyly ignore that. Have you ever thought about AAA?" asked Peter.
"You mean AA."
"What's the difference?"
"I don't think Triple A will exactly be brimming with pride when I step into their office and announce I'm an alcoholic. And sooner or later they're gonna realize I drove myself there."
"Ah, you'll get over it. Either that, or you'll have a psychotic episode. I'm going to the kitchen. You need anything?" asks Peter.
I was going to say a drink, but thanks anyway."
Peter walks off. Brian turns to watch the television.
Announcer: "We now return to, CHEERS."
"Say Norm, what'll it be"
"Oh, how about a beer?"
Click.
"Don't think about it Brian. Just take your mind off the booze. Just concentrate on something else - anything else," he turns the channel.
"Hi, I'm O.J. Simpson for Ginsue Knives. Ginsue, the first name in killing things," he uses the knife in a stabbing motion, "sorry, I'm used to bananas."
"Huh!" drops the remote.