I will be with you forever in your dreams and memories.
I know you will carry my name with you in pride and joy.
And as you and your heart grow I will always be a part of it and live on forever in you.
No matter how apart our distance grows
Thanx every1 4ur reviews n all ur kl words.
Listen to this T.a.K I new shuttin peepl out wasn't the rite way to go but I still dun it - am I thik or am I thik? U shood stop thinking I'm so sensitive, I'm a tuf cookie so u can say anything u wnt no matter how personal or forward - between u n me I like peepl better wen they're that way, I can't stand the whole cloak n dagger routine sum peepl put on, but of course there r a few xceptions which I'm pretty sure u already no. (smile) yeah I ges ur angel wood look after u, every1s does in sum weird way. I really hope u don't mind me usin the words u said coz they cood mean sumthn2u n me usin em cood b like me takin sumthn that's urs n I don't wanna do that to any1, especially u. Btw thanx alot4...well…eh...sorry I'm not too good at the whole thanking thing coz the words don't cum out rite but u no wat I wanna say yeah? If not hopefully u'll find out1day wen I learn how to form a complimentary sentence. About the name for the character it was a good idea but I don't really not like any1 n if I do I just don't bother wif em so it ends up that I 4get about me not liking em coz they're nuthn 2 me. Mayb I'll jst leave her nameless so people can imagine it's the person they hate n call her all the names under the sun . (laf in a nice way) wat's the pizza thing about? It's a tiny bit confusin.
(excitement!!!!!) Oh n ges wat? There's a very big chance that in 6 years time I'll b pulling ur teeth out!! I've been asked to submit a portfolio n go for an interview at Glasgow University to study Dentistry - I'm kinda happy coz it's meant2b the best place in Britain to study it, or that's what my teachers say.
Note - OC Jiro is Maemi's husband n there is a possibility that there will b another story that will take place in between Behind Blue Eyes and Shattered Existence…can u say if u think I shood or shouldn't include it plz? (puppy dog eyes)
Italics - thoughts
… … … - new scene
………… - a period of time later
Shattered Existence
Air was one of the only purities the world had to offer Hiromi and even then it was tinted with the adulteration the world continued to defile it with. Ever since she lost her faith resentment, scepticism, profanity and guilt bled its way into her system making her feel numb and unwanted despite the sincerity that surrounded her on a daily basis. Hiromi listened intently to every sound hoping to receive the essence of her childhood she had been so dumb to not truly appreciate…until it was too late. The regret that built inside of her was so filled with agony that no words can really describe it. She sighed while everyone seemed to forget the loss she had received four twisted weeks ago.
Maybe I should just get over it… She turned her head to look over at Takao, Daichi and Hiro. Their laughter was a dire memory of the one amazing thing she had always yearned for; happiness. Takao stopped when he saw her turn her back to the merriment that trotted around her desolation. He sighed as his happiness evaporated at the sight of her loneliness and he slowly made his way over to the wall. The sadness glided past him leaving him untouched unlike Hiromi who was immersed in its misery.
"Hey." He stood behind her waiting for a friendly response but found she had nothing in the form of friendship to offer him right now. "You ok?"
"I'm fine." Her voice escaped with the breeze becoming part of the scenery's natural entanglement of deception.
"Are you sure?" Takao edged to the side so he could see her face in case she wanted him to stay but couldn't say it. It was of little help.
"No." She gave a small laugh while continuing to stare aimlessly at the sky that she suspected would crash down at any minute. Takao's heart fell to the pit of his stomach when he saw tears begin to fall down her face. He put his arm around her trying to give her a little comfort while she slouched down. "I don't want her gone!" Hiromi cried harder making Daichi and Hiro stop. Takao stayed silent not knowing what to say, the corny response of "she'll be in a better place" would hardly bring her soul any release from the unbearable loss she had been the victim of. The silence hurt Hiromi but she knew why it was there and that brought even more pain.
I'm drawing attention to myself, making everyone as down as me…if Maemi could see me… That last thought made her sit straight up and press her thumb against her eye to relinquish the tears her grief had created.
"Don't keep it in H." Takao rubbed her back, "You need to cry or it'll get worse."
I don't need to cry. I can deal with this, I knew it was coming I'm ok.. She tried to convince herself as she pretended not to hear Takao who looked at her with soft eyes and a sympathetic expression. Hiro watched from a distance as Daichi joined Takao by Hiromi's side.
"Hiromi?" Daichi's voice was unusually gentle and soothing to Hiromi. "D'you want help?" She shook her head. Takao bit his tongue feeling the need to urge her to accept that she couldn't do this alone. Hiromi felt his hand go onto her shoulder with a heavy solemnity.
"Maybe you should talk to Jiro about it."
"And watch him bottle up his tears just to help me?" Hiromi looked up at Takao, angry that he would think she would put herself before Jiro. "I'd rather die." Takao gritted his teeth not valuing the way she was looking at him but trying to control his anger solely because of the situation.
"Sorry…didn't think." He turned away feeling his face taut with emotions he couldn't control. Hiromi went back to the screwed up ditch she called her heart zoning herself away from the outside world. Daichi looked at her with a sincere concern realizing the dangerously frail state she had cocooned herself into.
"Are you…ok..?" Daichi edged towards her expecting her to start crying again or to lash out at him. But she didn't. She stayed perfectly still looking down at the ground as her hair fell over her face until everything became dark and shapeless and Daichi's presence had been long gone. Now she could refine herself with the tears of loneliness she'd longed to share with the only people that could help her.
… … …
The once protective walls were now nothing but cheap cold bricks that surrounded her with the promise of collapsing on top of the little bit of life Hiromi had left. She sat in a corner; lost and alone, wondering why the world would be so cruel to her and why it all couldn't just go away.
"I don't know what to do…." Hiromi whispered to herself wishing someone else was nearby and would come to her aid no matter how much she refused it... but no one heard. And what's worse she began to think nobody cared. Everything she had loved was slipping through her hands again…but this time it definitely wasn't coming back. Hiromi didn't want to think of anything but the bereavement that had clouded her judgement, but everything tumbled straight into her soul. School would be starting soon, the thought tortured her inside. More pressure. More things that have to be done. Less time to think. More pretence and lies. And less of her to fight against the world she had to survive in.
…I'll never get through this…She sighed turning to check the unusual mess that was her room; clothes both dirty and clean lay on the floor, her cuddly toys were placed randomly around the room and her bed lay welcomingly but unmade in the corner of the now dull room. She stood up and sprang into it pulling the quilt up over her face. The blind darkness that invaded the colours of the outside was both a blessing and a curse - the emotions that had nailed into her left without a trace but past issues stormed forward clawing at her to open her eyes to the truth. She screamed inside as she imagined Maemi's smile and whipped off her blankets to be greeted by the stampede of feelings and the precious exhibition of colours that Mother Nature had gifted her life with.
Why did this happen?… She sat up looking down at her right hand. Her mother's ring glittered in the subdued light but it emitted a rare strength and love she had long searched for in herself but never found. The gold band slipped over her finger easily and she rested it in between her thumb and index finger where she twirled it around thinking of everything that was nothing.
Help… Tears ravaged her face in those simple seconds between her innocent plea and her eyes catching the picture of the ones she always used to be able to turn to - Takao, Max, Daichi, Kenny, herself and Ray stood smiling in the back row of the glossy photo with Kai, Kari and Mariam, who had subdued but happy glimmers in their eyes,…and Jiro knelt beside his wheel chair bound wife who held the most endearing smile this world would ever see and those blue eyes that could make the darkest of hearts find the soft sunlight again.
MAE!!! The loss once again made Hiromi crumble into pieces as she curled up on her bed crying the remains of her heart out.
………………..
The day was new and so was Hiromi's laughter that had been held deep inside for so very long. Takao always had the knack for making people laugh, but then again he couldn't do it without Daichi, they were a double act that should never be separated. The bus jittered along the car crammed roads as Hiromi watched Takao and Daichi face each other in a deadly duel of Slaps. Takao jolted forward with the bus hitting his head off the seat in front causing Daichi to go in an uproar about the free hit he should get because of Takao's cowardice.
"It was the bus!!!" He yelled at Daichi rubbing his head.
"You can never just admit you're bad at this can you??" Daichi sneered back. Hiromi was glad she'd passed on the game because Daichi seemed in the mood to dish out some real damage today; usually he went easy on everyone because he was the best at it, but not today.
"What's wrong with you?" Hiromi asked flicking a strand of her hair away from her face. Takao smirked,
"Loverboy's havin lady trouble." Daichi growled at Takao for giving his secret away and gave him a nasty kick on the shin that made him howl in pain. Hiromi laughed and looked at Daichi,
"Go on then, who is she?"
"Just someone." Daichi grumbled looking at his red hands.
"What happened?" Hiromi asked watching Daichi wonder whether he should tell her or not. After a few seconds he finally decided,
"I thought she liked me…Reia that is, I asked her out, she said yeah…but…it turned out to be a prank..." He turned his back on Hiromi who bit her lip understanding why Daichi felt the need to stomp everything in sight to the ground. She glared at Takao,
"I can't believe you teased him like that!!!" She knocked him forward and put her hand on Daichi's shoulder. "She's just a little fuckin whore Daichi. The only thing she'll ever have in life is daddy's credit card. D'you want me to break the little bitch?" Hiromi's voice was heated with agitation, the very thought of that stupid little girl made her want to smack her from dawn till dusk.
"Na. I'll be ok in a while." Daichi looked up at her giving a small grateful smile. "Thanks." It was when she was like this that he truly did believe that goodness could come out of something bad - since Maemi's death Hiromi had grew to protect everyone as best as she could, it was hard to stop her and if you got in her way you were in big trouble.
"No problem." Hiromi smiled sweetly at Daichi before hitting Takao again and scolding him for treating Daichi like that. It was amusing to Daichi to watch Takao try fight back against the stronger version of Hiromi; he always lost. Hiromi stopped her screeching abruptly as they pulled up to the bus stop they'd been waiting for. She swiftly made her way out with Daichi and Takao following behind her. The yellow daffodils in her hands seemed to quiver with the fear and need that ran through her fingertips as her legs carried her up the steep green slope that lead to the grey sea of tombstones where her precious jewel lay. Takao pulled at Daichi's collar as he tried to follow her way to Maemi's grave.
"She needs to do this alone." He said in a quiet voice. Daichi nodded and they both waited behind with a thousand restless souls to keep them company.
… … …
It was quiet when Hiromi was standing before her new found sanctuary. Everyone thought it strange that somewhere so morbid could be a young woman's escape, but Hiromi didn't care. Here was where she felt Maemi beside her, so here was where she would always come, even when she didn't need to. The scores of grey tombstones were interrupted by Jiro's tall figure as he made his way through the cemetery to his wife's resting place. He smiled as he saw Hiromi; her loyalty really had blossomed and something told him it wasn't finished growing yet.
"Hey sweet cheeks." Hiromi looked up and gave Jiro a smile he had long missed. "Not seen you around much." He added sadly.
"I've tried to phone…but the line was always busy."
"Oh." Jiro looked down at his wife's resting place. "I blame my little angel there. She was way too loveable." Hiromi looked up at Jiro with a soft admiration. She hadn't noticed it before but his strength had always been sharing itself with her through small words and moments like this. Hiromi put her arm around Jiro's waist giving him a hug so she could hide her face as she talked to him.
"I always told Mae that I loved her…but I never told you. I don't wanna lose you too." Jiro felt her grip tighten and put his arm around her - he still found it hard to show her how he felt but the tone of his words held his devotion to her.
"No need darlin', no need." Hiromi felt Jiro rub her arm and take in a sad deep breath. "I've not got my angel but I've still got my shooting star," He looked down at her head of brown hair and gave her a soft nudge, "don't I?" Hiromi looked up at him and nodded. "That's my girl." He smiled before leaving Hiromi to her own thoughts as he looked up into the sky; half of him hoping to catch a glimpse of Maemi while the other half done it out of instinct.
I miss you Mae…the years went by so quickly… Jiro felt a tear fall down his cheek while he gave a smile as he remembered Maemi's jokes about how he'd move on and find another girl when she had passed away. He shook his head and saw Maemi standing before him and let an inaudible whisper escape his mouth.
"You're the only one I want Mae."