Gah my first fanfic (but not my first prose)! I think I might have screwed it a bit but I hope you like! Favorite and review please?
Matthew paced across the room again, not bothering to listen to his mind's questions. If he did, he risked getting lost in them. He was hurt enough already.
"I can't, I-I just can't." he informed himself. He couldn't think about choices, he had to speak through them. That way he would be more specific, with more fact and less feelings. He couldn't afford to feel at the moment, the pain would do him no good.
He wouldn't understand. He wouldn't notice. His face flushed, and he wondered why he was embarrassed with himself. It's not like anyone would care if they knew. Besides, if they did care, it'd be only because they were influenced by pity.
Why did he love that man anyway?...that man. Ha. As if Alfred was ever a man. Al was a stupid, selfish child. And for God's sake they were brothers! Maybe he was an idiot himself. He shouldn't even bother talking to that man , he rarely got a kind response!...but Al meant well. Why else would he play the hero? Maybe for attention, as most would assume. But Matthew knew him better than that.
"Hey Canadia!" the words echoed in his head. He told himself to ignore his head, to not listen. But how could he resist? Memories always had more impact on him than the future did. Why?
"M-My name's not Canadia. It's Canada." They'd just been kids then. He would remember his name now, if asked. Right?
"Aw, sorry! Just came to ask you something..." Why should he care anymore? That had been a long time ago. He put his hand to his face, and used the other to sit himself forcefully on the ground. He felt a tear (or tears, he was far too distracted to count) roll across his palm. Why'd he have to be so damn sensitive? It had been a long time ago...it had been a long time ago. He continued to repeat that line in his head, hoping to block out his memory.
"What?...w-what did you want to ask?" Damn him for even thinking about that time! It hadn't been romantic at all! Alfred hadn't meant it that way. And he never would. Matthew again asked himself why he cared. And why were his thoughts repeating? Couldn't they just shut up?
"Well, heh, IIII just wondered if you like being around France a lot...you know, a lot." His brother had just wanted to protect him. All good brothers wanted to do that. That's all Al had meant to do. Protect.
"'Cus I could save you, if you wanted. You know, if you don't like him." He remembered he had blushed at the idea, even then.
"...No, no thank you. I-I'm fine." He should have said yes.
"Uh, okay. Bye!" Al had turned away the moment he had been refused, embarrassed. The hero was never embarrassed. Expect for Matthew. All for him.
"Bye..." He sighed uneasily, and the painful knot in his stomach tightened. They couldn't end that way. He had to change his answer, somehow. He couldn't survive being alone for so long.
It shouldn't have taken so much concentration to find his cellphone lying across the floor, and for him to achieve it. With a shaking hand, he dialed Alfred's number as quickly as he could manage. Which wasn't very quick.
"Sup Canada!" Al's voice rang loudly through Matthew's speaker.
"H-How did you know it was me?" Should he be doing this? He was an awful brother. What if Al though he was applying pressure?
"Caller-ID." Al laughed, and Matthew thought it was as obnoxious as always. But it was also somehow so sweet.
"O-Oh." He choked on a sob, hoping Al wouldn't notice.
"Uh, what's the matter bra?" Matthew cursed himself for giving away his feelings so easily.
"I-I..." God, he was so scared. Why? Why couldn't he just tell him?
"...Matthew?" He couldn't tell him. He couldn't. He'd only loose what trust Al had in him. He couldn't risk loosing what little love he had.
"Matthew. Come on buddy, what's on your mind?" He'd only be judged. Al would think he was stupid. He'd never forgive him.
"Al..." He couldn't fight back his next sob, his hand covering his mouth to avoid further humiliation.
"Dude, you're my brother! You can talk to me!" Al attempted to reassure. Matthew couldn't tell if this warmed his heart or broke it.
"I-I don't just want to be your brother!" Had he blurted that out?...he was so stupid. Al didn't deserve all the criticism he received, Matthew was the true idiot. Such an idiot. Al would never talk to him again. Oh God, why had he said that out-loud? Why had he even called Al in the first place? For the comfort of his voice...Matthew again ignored his head, and did his best to focus on his brother's response.
"...Ha, good one bra. Heh..." That hurt. Al could be simple-minded sometimes. But why did he have to be so nerve-acting right now?
"I'm Serious!" Even when Matthew yelled he was still so quiet. Why couldn't Al take him seriously?
"...Really?..." Why did he even have to ask? Al was even more feverish than himself.
"I love you..." He heard Al's shaken breath, and wondered how much he'd disapprove. Why had Matthew said that out-loud? Why had he told him? He'd never regain Al's trust. Al would hate him. And there was nothing he could do to stop that...
"Well, I kinda...well..." Just spit it out! He'd waited so long for his response. Too long. Why did Alfred have to be so difficult?
"I love you too." Al squeaked. Matthew hadn't even known Alfred could squeak. Wait...he loved him? Silence stung on both ends of the phone. A minute passed. Matthew continued to choke.
"Matthew...I-I love you." He had meant it.
"I'm sorry. I...I should have said it sooner. I shouldn't have made you wait so long...I'm sorry." Alfred... He opened his mouth unknowingly, not noticing the taste of salt from his tears.
"I-I gotta go." Matthew heard footsteps in the background of his phone, and he shook his head, forgetting that Al couldn't see him right now.
"I love you." Matthew hung up. He couldn't listen to Al's goodbye. He never wanted to hear him say goodbye ever again. He couldn't leave him. Never. Not now, when they could be so close. He loved him. He couldn't be alone again. Please, Al...don't go.