Harry has Two Godfathers.
Authors: The Wolf of Were (Jillian Knight), MazokuGrlSizer, Mun Pai, and oneOpusteamer
Warning: Crack fic.
Disclaimer: Don't own anything.
Author's notes: This is a crack fic, probably a heroin fic by the way we were carrying on last night. This fic has been written by four teenage girls after watching POA. Written at 2 a.m. so full insanity could set in. Enjoy. Oh, yes, the best bet to further enjoy the story is to imagine a very high pitched, almost annoying, childlike voice speaking this to another adult, possibly Professor McGonagal.
P.S.: Lord Voldemort loves me the best and wants you to stop messing with his crown.
I have two godfathers. Their names are Sirius Black and Remus Lupin and they are "special friends." We all live together in a great big house. Sirius and Remus share a room. They like to wrestle in the bed that they share at night. It sounds like a lot of fun.
Sirius and Remus like to hold hands during the day and wrestle at night. They like to kiss with their mouths open and let their tongues wrestle, probably the same way they wrestle at night. I think Remus always loses because he's the one that yells the loudest at night. But that's ok, because Sirius takes care of his boo-boos by getting him a ice pack in the morning.
Sometimes Sirius and Remus go outside to play, but this is only once a month when the moon is full and bright. They tell me to go to bed and not to look or go outside. Sometimes I hear scary noises, they're even more scarier than the noises that come from Sirius and Remus's room at night.
Sirius and Remus have a lot of fun toys, but I'm not allowed to play with them. I once found a box of balloons, the long and narrow kind you can make animals out of. I made a dog once, and Sirius yelled at me for it, but Remus said it was ok and gave me a piece of chocolate. The balloons only came in white. They're the cheap kind.
On day, Sirius gave Remus a pretty ring and then we went to Sweden. It was snowing. I like the snow, it's white and it sticks to my face. Sirius and Remus got married there. I got to be the flower girl! I was so pretty. Remus did my hair and gave me chocolate again!
Uncle Severus was there as well. He gave me some Jesus-Juice. It was in a Muggle soda can and smelled a bit like wine. It made me feel warm and fuzzy inside and also very happy.
Then I ran outside into the snow. There I saw Draco, a boy from my school. He's got pretty blond hair. He's mean to me sometimes but I think it's just a show. He like me running my hands through his hair and thanks me by kissing me like Sirius kisses Remus. It was a lot of fun.
I took Draco back to my hotel room and he showed me many things to do with the balloons I had got before, and I knew then they weren't quite balloons. But that's ok, they were still fun. Draco told me about the ones he has back home. He has cherry flavored and glow in the dark! He promised to bring them to Hogwarts next term, but said to keep everything "hush-hush." He didn't want to lose his image. I didn't know he had a picture of himself at school.
We had a lot of fun that night, then it was back to England for all of us, even Uncle Severus. I didn't see Draco until the next term, but that's ok.
Now I'm staying at Ron's house. It's called the Burrow. I'm staying here while Sirius and Remus are on vacation in the Virgin Islands. Uncle Severus said that was a load of tosh. What's tosh? Is it edible? Uncle Severus said it was tosh only when it comes in loads.
Uncle Severus said I could come and stay in his house, and he'd give me lots of Jesus-Juice. But I wanted to stay at my friend Ron's house. I hadn't seen him all summer and wanted to show him the things Draco taught me... at least what Draco has said wasn't special between the two of us.
I wanted to show Ron how the balloons worked. He liked them a lot more than I thought he would, but that's ok, even though we did get a little sticky. Sometimes we had to change the sheets twice a day! It was hard work to wash them ourselves, but we couldn't let his mum find out or she's be furious.
One day when we were on Ron's bed, we heard a yell. It came from Fred and George's room. Ron and I ran inside to see what was wrong. Fred's hair was on fire, but it was not the hair on his head. Fred's a natural red head, just like the rest of the Weasleys. It stunk for in Fred and George's room for days.
Then I had to go home, because Sirius and Remus were back from their "special vacation." They brought back a lot of new toys. But, I wasn't allowed to see any of them. Remus brought me back a lot of chocolate, even though I thought I would be getting tosh.
One night when Sirius and Remus were outside wrestling, I went exploring because that's what Potters do best. They hid a lot of their new toys in the bedside drawer where they also hid their balloons. Someone had given them three sets of metal clothespins, I think it must be a werewolf thing. There was also a buzzing thing that made my hand numb. It was shaped like one of the balloons that had been blown up and had two round tubers growing on the end of it. I wondered how Sirius and Remus fed it. It was a rather nice creature.
In the bottom drawer I found some handcuffs with no keys. They were lined with soft black fur. I wonder what that was for? They smelled like sweat so I put them away. There were also rings in the drawer, but they were different from the ring Remus has on his finger. They were made of leather, but they didn't smell like leather. I tied on my wrist but it was too tight so I put it away and closed the drawer.
Then I went to the closet to see if Sirius and Remus had bought me my Christmas present yet. There was a swing in the middle of the room. It looked like half swing, half trapeze. I also found more handcuffs and a few leather whips. The scariest things were the multi-colored clubs that were in there. All of them had two bumps at the ends to knock each other out. There was a white one and a pink one and a lot of other colors. And they all came in different sizes. It smelled funny in the closet so I left everything as it was.
Every month there's a special dog that comes out at night. Remus says it's his dog, and has a leash for it in his room. It's made out of black leather and has pointy spikes. I wish the dog would come out during the day so I could play with it because Remus says it does special tricks.
The night was almost over and I knew that Sirius and Remus would be coming back inside soon. I didn't go to sleep that night because I heard some very loud and very odd noises. I put their toys back where I had found them and pretended to be asleep when they came in and checked on me at dawn.
I couldn't wait to got back to Hogwarts and tell Draco what I had learned this summer. I sure did learn a lot this summer, and had fun learning it too. It wasn't boring like reading from books, I got to participate. Gee, Hogwarts is going to be lots of fun this year. Maybe Fred's hair has grown back by now, I'd love to check and see. It was so pretty before it burned up.
The End