Disclaimer: I own nothing of this. It all (including the song lyrics) belongs to Fox and RIB; I'm just playing in their sandbox.
Santana sat in the corner of the boys' hotel room as she watched the other glee kids attempt to come up with two songs for Nationals. At the rate they were going, they would have the songs done in time for next year's Nationals. Everyone seemed to be waiting for Rachel freaking Berry to come up with another amazing song – not that Santana would ever admit to that aloud. The problem was Santana knew the Midget wouldn't pull through this time. Get It Right was only so successful because the diva had been writing down her feelings for Frankenteen. Writing a good song took emotion behind the words, and Berry couldn't find those emotions, not this time.
Glancing down at the pad in her lap, Santana read what she had written at random moments, mostly when no one was actually watching her.
Will we ever say the words we're feeling?
Reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
Will we ever have a happy ending?
Or will we forever only be pretending?
We will always, always, always be pretending?
How long do I fantasize?
Make believe that it's still alive
Imagine that I am good enough
And we can choose the ones we love
But I hold on
I stay strong
Wondering if we still belong
Will we ever say the words we're feeling?
Reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
Will we ever have a happy ending?
Or will we forever only be pretending?
Will we always, always, always be
Keeping secrets safe
Every move we make
Seems like no one's letting go
And it's such a shame
'Cause if you feel the same
How am I supposed to know?
The Latina knew she had most of a song right there, and with some tweaking of what had obviously become the chorus, she could finish it off. Maybe she would add a little more to the beginning to give it a real opening. Either way, Santana had a large portion of a song sitting in her lap, yet she couldn't bring herself to tell anyone.
If she showed people this song, they would realize what it meant. Santana wasn't stupid; she knew that most of the club knew she and Brittany had been sleeping together last year. They didn't know how long it had been going on, but they knew it had gone on. Once they saw the lyrics, things would begin clicking into place, and they would realize what she had been unable to show in public for years: she was in love with Brittany.
Brittany would probably claim this was a good thing, and maybe it was, but Santana couldn't see it that way. The idea of them knowing her feelings, of basically anyone knowing her feelings, for the blonde scared her. Glee Club was full of gossips – she should know, having shared gossip herself after hearing about it in the choir room – and she couldn't take the chance of the rest of the school learning about it. It would ruin everything. They weren't on the Cheerios anymore, so they had lost that protection, and Santana didn't even want to think about what would be said behind her back about her. She just couldn't take any of that.
And yet… she believed the words she had written. Despite her fear, despite all of her hesitation, she wanted that with Brittany. She wanted to be together with the girl she loved. Brittany would be worth it; she would always be worth it.
She was just so, so scared. Santana was willing to work for it, to actually do something, but it wasn't going to be easy. It would take her time, and she wasn't even certain if Brittany would give it to her. The pain from Brittany choosing Artie over her still stung, but Santana had come to accept why the blonde had done it, and it even made her love Brittany more. Yes, it hurt to think about, but Santana was hoping that Brittany would choose her this time. She just hoped that Brittany took the words of this song and realized what they meant.
''Cause if you feel the same, how am I supposed to know?' she looked at again. That was the key. How was she supposed to know? She knew Brittany loved her, but would the blonde wait for her just a bit longer, give her the time she needed to really accept herself and stop fearing what others thought? Santana just couldn't be sure.
"You all wrote an amazing song last time," Rachel said, and Santana mentally shook herself and paid attention. "I think if we work together, we could come up with something yet again."
"Yeah, but what are we going to write about?" Artie asked.
Artie's voice did something to Santana. She didn't know what it was, but she suddenly had an idea of what to write for a second song. It definitely didn't fit in with the song she already had so far, but it was the perfect beginning for another. With where her mind had just gone and the realization she had come to about her feelings for Brittany, there was no way she could avoid writing something like this, even if she would have to find some way to hide who wrote the song.
Santana glanced around to make sure no one was watching her before flipping a few pages in her notepad. She even knew who had to sing each part of the lines bouncing around in her head. It wasn't hard for her to write down the words that wouldn't leave her alone now that they were in her mind. In fact, she even stopped worrying about the others seeing her and coming over to look. Besides, they would probably think she was just writing down something unrelated to Nationals, given their opinions of her.
Britt and San: He-he-hey, you and me
San: Keep on dancing in the dark
It's been tearing me apart
Never knowing what we are
Britt and San: He-he-hey, you and me
San: Keep on tryin' to play it cool.
Now it's time to make a move
And that's what I'm gonna do.
Wheels: Lay it all down (all down)
Britt: Got something to say
Wheels: Lay it all down (all down)
Britt: Throw your doubt away
Wheels: Do or die now (die now)
Britt: Step on to the plate
Wheels: Blow the door wide open like
Britt and Wheels: Up, up and away
Santana could almost hear the three of them singing these lines, and she knew she had gotten them right.
"That's really good, San," Brittany suddenly whispered in her ear, and Santana jumped before looking up at the blonde. "Do you mean what you're going to be singing?" Santana felt her lips twitch into a very hesitant smile before she nodded slightly, embarrassed by the emotion she had put into the lyrics and afraid of Brittany's reaction to them. The response was a bright smile that made Santana smile a bit more. Said smile fell away when the Latina caught sight of the others out of the corner of her eye, even if none of them were looking in their direction.
"Have you written anything else?" Brittany asked, still smiling, even if it wasn't as bright, settling down onto the arm of the chair Santana was sitting in. The dancer rested her arm on the back of the chair so that she could lean over Santana, allowing her to see the notepad with ease. Her other hand was resting on Santana's arm, fingers lightly tracing the tanned skin.
"Uh-huh," Santana said softly, turning back to the other song. "It's not done, but…" Santana shrugged as she trailed off, nervous.
"This is really good, San," Brittany said, leaning her head on top of Santana's once she finished reading the lyrics. "Are you going to show the others?" Santana shook her head slowly, very aware of Brittany's resting on it. "Why not?"
"Because I don't want them to know," Santana admitted, eyes closing in defeat. "Britt, I just can't, not yet. Maybe eventually, but not now."
Before Brittany could say anything in response, Quinn interrupted them, walking over, and Santana closed her notepad so no one could see the song. "S, B, we're all heading back to the other room. It's getting late, and I don't think Mr. Schue will approve of us being in here much longer."
"We're coming," Santana told her with an eye roll, waving her off. The shorter blond rolled her eyes in return but turned to follow the other girls and Kurt from the room. "Come on, Britt, let's get going." Santana lightly nudged Brittany's head off her so she could stand, turning to offer the blonde a hand up. Once Brittany was standing, instead of letting the hand fall, Santana shifted their hands so their pinkies were linked, and she didn't have to look at Brittany's face to know her best friend was smiling at the familiar hold.
Notepad held in her left hand, right hand connected to Brittany's left, Santana led the way from the hotel room, rolling her eyes when Puck shot her a smirk. Soon enough they were in their own room, Quinn having waited at the door so they wouldn't be locked out, glancing at their linked pinkies with a raised eyebrow. Santana just raised an eyebrow at the look before pulling Brittany over to where they were sleeping on one of the folding beds that had been brought into the bedroom. Everyone knew without asking that the two of them would be willing to share a bed, so no one even batted an eyelash when they settled down onto it together.
Brittany shifted so she could lean her head on Santana's shoulder, and the pair watched as the others got themselves ready for bed. Rachel wouldn't shut up, Mercedes was talking right back at her, Kurt was doing a whole bunch of facial preparations, Lauren and Tina changed with ease, and Quinn was also watching the chaos. Eventually, though, Brittany reached over to the notepad Santana had set down on the bed next to her, claiming the notepad and pencil for herself.
"Are you going to finish these?" Brittany asked quietly, flipping through to look at the songs again before finding a blank page toward the back of the pad and doodling.
"If I can think of lyrics, I guess," Santana said, shrugging her left shoulder. Brittany flipped back to the first song, pretending to be doodling on that page so no one realized she was actually reading the song.
"Face to face and heart to heart, we're so close yet so far apart," Brittany sang softly.
"I close my eyes, I look away; that's just because I'm not OK," Santana sang in reply, turning to look at Brittany. She knew that the blonde had looked at the lyrics and sang what they made her think, just as she had listened to Brittany and responded without even thinking about it. "But I hold on, I stay strong, wondering if we still belong."
Santana watched as Brittany wrote down the lines they had just sung, putting a bracket around the left side of them and drawing an arrow to the very beginning of the song.
"Is this how you really feel, Sanny?" Brittany asked, her voice sad. "Because it's sad, and I don't like sad, but I feel like this too, sometimes."
"Yeah, Britt, it's how I feel," Santana sighed. "I know it's mostly my fault, but I sometimes don't know what we are anymore. I've been confused for a long time, and this year… it's been even more confusing than before."
"Is it because I asked you about feelings?" Brittany asked, her voice still sad, and Santana couldn't stop herself from leaning her head on top of Brittany's on her right shoulder.
"Yeah, B, but I needed you to ask me that. If you hadn't asked me that, I might not have admitted to myself that…" Santana paused for a moment to check that no one was watching, and finding the room still in total chaos, she felt brave enough to finish, "I love you."
"But you're still scared," Brittany said. Santana couldn't deny it and didn't even attempt to. "This song…" Brittany flipped the pages to the other song. "Do you really mean it? Are you going to actually make a move?"
"I'm going to try to stop being so scared. I can't promise it will happen quickly, or that it will be easy, but I want to try. You're worth it, Brittany, but it's so hard." Santana's voice was soft and sad, but she kept her face as blank as possible so that anyone looking wouldn't be able to realize how vulnerable she was at this moment. It was for Brittany and Brittany alone to know.
"I'll help you, Sanny," Brittany promised. "As long as you really try, I'll help you." The Latina's lips moved into a slight smile that couldn't be seen from a distance, and she wrapped her right arm around Brittany, squeezing a little. Brittany's arm wrapped around her waist in response, and they sat in silence, just watching the others without really focusing on it, more focused on the feel of the other right there, knowing the songs could wait a little bit longer.
…
Long after everyone else in the room was asleep, Santana lay awake, unable to fall asleep. The lyrics she and Brittany had been working on earlier were spinning around in her mind, and she couldn't manage to stop them long enough to sleep. At this rate, the only way she would stop the songs in her head would be to finish them.
With a quiet sigh, Santana gently slid Brittany's arm off of her waist, where it had gravitated to once the blonde had fallen asleep, like so many times before. Once free of Brittany's hold, the Latina slipped out of the bed, checking that she hadn't woken her best friend, before grabbing her notepad and pencil. She ended up opening the balcony door and closing it quietly behind her, leaning against the railing of the tiny balcony their hotel room had, gazing out at New York sprawled out before her.
The door opened behind her, but Santana didn't even turn. She knew who it would be without looking. Who else would be willing to follow her out here?
"I tried not to wake you," she said as Brittany stepped up beside her and joined her in gazing out at the city.
"It would have worked if I had actually been asleep," Brittany replied, surprising Santana, who had been certain the blonde had been out. "I was waiting for you to work on the songs again."
Santana couldn't help her involuntary smile as she shook her head at that. "You always have known me better than I know myself." She finally turned to look at Brittany and found blue eyes staring at her, a smile on the other girl's face.
Returning the smile, Santana turned her gaze to the notepad in her hands, opening it to the first song she had written. With the lights from the city and a small light on the wall of the hotel, she could read what was written, and she quickly read through the lyrics.
"I think this song is basically done," she said softly, knowing Brittany was reading with her. "Just tweak the chorus, and it can become the end."
"Mm-hmm," Brittany hummed, nodding. She moved closer to Santana, resting her chin on the Latina's shoulder while looking down at the notepad. Her arms wrapped around Santana from behind, and the smaller girl couldn't help but lean back into the embrace while turning to the next song.
Before Santana could read what she had already written, however, Brittany spoke. "Isn't the city beautiful? It's like the whole world is lit up, just for us." Santana looked out at New York City once again, attempting to see it as Brittany did, and it awed her.
"It's gorgeous," she breathed.
"Sometimes I wish the whole world could be lit," Brittany said. "It's so hard to see the stars here, but the lights are lighting up the world in their place." Santana knew without turning that Brittany was smiling.
"You make my world brighter," Santana admitted softly, somewhat relieved she wasn't looking at Brittany as she said it. "You and your love."
"I love you," Brittany whispered directly into Santana's ear. Then the blonde reached out with her right hand to claim the pencil Santana still held. Putting pressure on the notepad, she had Santana hold it steady for her while she began writing more lyrics to the second song.
Let's light up the world toni-i-ight
You gotta give up the bark and bi-i-ite
I know that we got the love alri-i-ight
Come on and li-li-light it up
Light it up tonight
Let's light up the world toni-i-ight
You gotta give up the bark and bi-i-ite
I know that we got the love alri-i-ight
Come on and li-li-light it up
Light it up tonight
He-he-hey you and me
Turn it up ten thousand watts
Tell me why we've gotta stop
I just want to let it rock
He-he-hey you and me
Keep on staring at the road
Like we don't know where to go
Step back, let me take control
Santana smiled at the lyrics. Of course Brittany would take their conversation and turn it into awesome lyrics, then send Santana a message about her fears that they had been talking about earlier that evening. Maybe, if Santana kept to her part and really tried her best, and Brittany kept to her part and showed her the way, just maybe they could actually make it past all of this.
"That's perfect, Britt," Santana said, "and if we make the light up the world part the chorus, we can just play with it and make it into the rest of the song. Maybe repeat the lines I wrote for you and Wheels, and we have another song…"
"We're just awesome like that, Sanny," Brittany said, giving Santana back the pencil and pressing a quick kiss to the side of her head. "If we use these during Nationals, we're going to win!"
Smiling and getting an idea, Santana said, "We should go use the computers downstairs to type these up. I agree we should use them for Nationals, but… I still don't want anyone to know who wrote them. I'm sorry, Britt, but it's too soon."
"It's okay, San," Brittany said soothingly, her thumb moving against Santana's stomach. "We both know who wrote them and what they mean, right? Who cares what the others think. This is for us."
"Thank you," Santana said, turning in Brittany's arms to look her in the eyes before kissing her softly. "I love you."
Smiling, Brittany pressed another kiss to Santana's lips. "I love you, proudly so."
Before they could get carried away kissing, because Santana knew they had done it so many times before, she reluctantly pulled out of Brittany's arms and went back into the room to find better clothes for in the lobby as well as shoes.
Once they were both ready, Santana grabbed a key for each of the rooms, and they slipped out of the room silently. The ride in the elevator and the walk to the computer lab were silent, and even as they typed up the songs, neither said anything. It was only as they tweaked the choruses to finish off the songs and began choosing who would sing what in the song they had eventually titled 'Light Up the World' that they whispered back and forth.
After they printed a large number of copies of 'Light Up the World,' Brittany had to ask Santana, "What are we doing with 'Pretending,' San?"
"It's a duet, and I'm just not ready for us to sing it together, Britt…" Santana sighed, closing her eyes in frustration. "I have an idea. I don't really like the idea, but it's the best we have."
Santana didn't even leave Brittany time to ask her about her idea before she had opened another Word document and began to type. It didn't take her long to write what she wanted to, and when it was done, she knew Brittany understood her idea.
Finn,
This a song for Nationals, and you'll know once you read the lyrics that it's a good one. I'm giving you the chance to claim this as a song you wrote for Rachel, and I promise I'll never tell her that you didn't write it if you don't. No one will hear about the real origins of this song from me, and I won't even tell you who wrote it. Pretend you wrote it and sing it amazingly so that we can win Nationals, and we'll call it even.
Santana left it completely unsigned, and after looking at Brittany to receive a slow, sad nod, she printed it along with about seven copies of 'Pretending.' She stood to retrieve all of their print outs, which they had managed to format so each copy of each song only needed one page. Hopefully the musicians would be able to come up with good music to go with the lyrics – something slow for 'Pretending' and something fast and catchy for 'Light Up the World.' She suspected they would, knowing how good they were.
"I wish we could sing 'Pretending,'" Brittany said when Santana sat back down at the computer to email herself the songs so the two of them could always keep a copy of them.
"I'm sorry, Britt," Santana whispered, shutting down the computer, unable to look at her best friend.
"Oh, Sanny, I don't blame you," Brittany said, pulling Santana into a hug. "I just wish Finn didn't have to sing it."
"Me too, but it's the best option," Santana sighed, sinking into the hug. They stayed like that for a minute or two before Santana, yet again, pulled away. "Come on, we need to leave these for the rest, and then I need sleep."
When they stood, Santana holding the papers, the Latina held out her pinky. Brittany wrapped her own pinky around it with a smile. Pinkies intertwined, they returned to the rooms, where they finally let go so Santana could quietly open the boys' door and have Brittany hold it open while she slipped inside. She left all the copies of 'Pretending' under the note inside Finn's stuff, then left about half the pile of 'Light Up the World' right inside the door, before silently closing the door behind her. Slipping back into their room, the girls easily left the rest of the lyrics on the floor by the door before changing back into what they had been wearing before.
Before getting into the bed, Santana glanced around the room and almost had a heart attack when she realized Quinn's eyes were open, reflecting the moonlight and staring right at her and Brittany. Then Quinn nodded, smiled a little, and closed her eyes. Santana knew then that Quinn would never tell a soul about what she had seen tonight, and it made her miss what she and Brittany and Quinn had once had. However, there would be time to think about that later, after she had slept.
Brittany was already in the bed, holding up the blankets for her, and Santana gladly joined the dancer under them. They laid with their faces only inches apart on one of the pillows, and it only took moments for Brittany to wrap her arm around Santana again. Santana moved slightly closer to Brittany and placed her left hand on Brittany's side. Both smiled, and Brittany leaned forward to lightly kiss Santana, closing her eyes as she pulled away.
"Goodnight, Sanny. I love you, and I'm so yours, proudly so," she whispered, tightening her arm momentarily.
"'Night, Britt-Britt; I love you," Santana said softly, her hand squeezing the blonde's side.
It only took moments for Brittany to fall asleep after that, and Santana watched her sleep. She was still awed at how easily Brittany had both inspired those two songs and helped her complete them today. Neither would have been written without this blond in front of her, and it just amazed Santana how brilliant her best friend and love was. Those two songs were perfect, and it pained her to admit she was too scared to sing them in front of others, even for Brittany, but the blonde just accepted it with a smile. She didn't deserve Brittany.
Still, she would take what she could get from the blonde lying in this bed with her, because Santana loved her dearly.
"You're amazing, Britt," Santana breathed, leaning forward to kiss Brittany on the forehead, feeling bold in the darkness.
With a smile on her face, the lyrics she and Brittany had written together running through her mind one final time before leaving her alone, Santana managed to fall asleep, filled with hope for her future with Brittany.