I peered over the edge of the mountain, sighing. I closed my eyes and let myself bask in the blissful silence. Lilly and I had taken an afternoon to us, and she had driven me up here. We were sitting at a rickety old picnic bench, with a small feast set out in front of us.
It had been three months since we'd had any time together. Miley had no idea that we were together, and she had needed me since Lilly was mourning over her father. He'd recently been killed in Rome, where he lived; and it had hit her harder than anyone else. She had always been mad at him for leaving her. She had shouted at him constantly and they never had just one civilised conversation with each other. Knowing he had gone made her respect his decision of leaving.
I embraced her in a hug, catching her off-guard. She placed down the baloney sandwich and wrapped her arms around me carelessly, staring out at the terrific view like I had been.
"Lilly, why'd you bring me here?"
I knew that her and her father used to spend hours on the top of Maybes Mountain when she was a little girl. They'd throw pennies over the edge, take pictures and practice skateboarding along fallen logs. This was the first time she'd been up without her father, and I was slightly privileged that she'd chosen me to accompany her here.
"I just wanted us to be alone for once – you know, no Miley. No mom. No one." Lilly smiled perhaps the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen. I captured her left hand in both of mine and kissed it gently, breathing in the soft scent of her hand lotion.
"You know you come up with the best ideas, Lillian." I smiled and reached out to touch her face, but before I could she had placed her head onto my shoulder, and I knew that she was thinking about her dad.
"My dad used to love being here with me. He used to come all the time, mostly alone. He was always so depressed." Lilly's head lifted from my arm, and I looked down to see that her eyes were filled with tears. I knew she'd never told anyone what she was about to say. "He was a manic depressive. He said that whenever I was there I brightened up his day. I had always known; my parents didn't want to keep secrets from me. When I was seven, and my mother had had enough; I wanted to go with him. I was going to, my mother gave it the all-clear; but then he left. In the middle of the night, with no note, no nothing. It was about a year later that he called us and left a number. By then, I was sure I hated his guts. I called him and I told him I hated him for leaving me. That I never wanted to hear from him again."
I kissed the top of her sweaty forehead, letting her lean closer to me and cry into my shoulder. I was shocked at hearing so much personal information from my best friend, my girlfriend; the one that I thought told me everything once it happened. It took her only twelve seconds to grab the phone and call me after she found out her parents were getting divorced. As soon as Miley moved here, I was introduced to her just minutes after Lilly met her. She had trouble keeping secrets to herself, and always seemed to blurt them out to someone the second she was told it herself. I guess she hated the secrets herself and couldn't deal with keeping them any longer.
"Why are you telling me this?" I whispered into her hair. Usually she told Miley everything and I didn't want to deal with the burden of having Lilly's secrets on my shoulders now.
"I loved him Ollie, I really did. I was just angry with him; I wanted to move with him to Rome. I wanted to be his princess forever and be with him. I was scared he'd get hurt all by himself. When he left, it was like he slapped me in the face with a wet fish. I wanted him to suffer for getting my hopes up and hurting me. He made a dent in my life, and he expected me to just fill it in with something else! And now he's gone. He left me because I was such a jerk to him! And the worst part is that I don't know how it happened."
I didn't know what to say to that. I'd been told many things myself: Lilly's mother had told me that he'd been in a car crash, Lilly had said that he caught a disease and Miley told me hurriedly that he was struck by lightening. I had also heard the words murder, suicide, drunk, medicine, doctors, headlights and blood in a conversation between my mother and Robby Ray.
"Oliver, why should I miss him like this? How can I not just forget and move on, like my mother?" Her voice dropped to a whisper, "Why did he leave me when I needed him so bad?"
I didn't know how to answer. Actually, that was a lie. I knew too much. I knew what it was like to be missing someone with all of your heart. I knew how hard it was to keep down the feelings and waltz through life like nothing was wrong. I knew how it felt to be the guilty one, to believe it was my fault the person's gone. I knew what it felt like to not be the person to kiss them goodbye.
"I know, I know." I stroked my fingers through her hair, but they were roughly pulled from her golden locks as she was wrenched from my grasp. I stared into my hands disappointedly, wanting to feel her in my hands again.
"What do you know? You know nothing, Oliver. Don't think you're suddenly my hero now my father's out of the picture."
I watched her expression and felt a confused one bunch up my features. She was angry, I could see that. But what had I done? I wanted to help.
"I know I'm not your hero. I'm just a kid and I can't do anything properly. I'm a fool, a geek... I don't know how I can be defined as a 'hero'. And that's not what I meant, Lilly. And even you knew that."
"Did I? Because I thought that were the one that knew everything! You don't know what it's like the have the blanket pulled from underneath you."
"Shut up Lillian, you know nothing about my life!" I raked my fingers through my hair. It was unbelievable that I was so worked up about this. I thought maybe she had a slight reason to be, but not me. My pain was all forgotten about. My pain was the type of pain I couldn't bear to tell anyone because I didn't want people to be sorry for me. I didn't want anyone to get involved. I didn't want everyone to know that Oliver Oken had a depressing secret.
"I know nothing about your life now? Really? As your girlfriend I like to think that I know just something about you. May I have that privilege?" I could hear the sarcasm in her voice. It hurt to see her like this, but I was too far gone. I pulled myself up from the bench and stared out at the view. The weather now reflected our behaviour, foggy and angered. I watched as dark clouds tumbled into view, hiding away the burning sun and letting a large shadow fall across my face.
"Why are you taking this out on me? Your father's dead; face it. I had to." I started to make my way down towards the rocky pathway, hoping to make a quick getaway, but I felt her hand clawing at my arm. She was obviously not done yet.
"What do you mean, you had to? It's not like the death of my father affected you much, did it?"
"I don't wanna talk about it." I looked down, slightly embarrassed. We were in maybe our first major fight, and I didn't want to tell her my burning secret just yet. I knew she wanted to know, and she would hate me if I didn't say, but I couldn't bring myself to telling her now; not when we had so many other problems to face as yet.
"Oh, why? Because you're at a loss for words? Have you run out of things to say, things to offend me and everyone else?" Lilly's words cut me in half, but I blindly found my way to the bench and sat down, letting the creak from the weight on the bench sting my ears. "Let's just not talk about it, shall we? We'll forget that we've mucked everything up in our relationship in the shortness of the past ten minutes, shall we?! We'll stop talking and throw ourselves at each other in a mad, spontaneous make-out session and everything will suddenly be okay again, shall we!?" Lilly broke into a hysterical sob, and I wrapped an arm around her to calm her down. She wiped a shaking hand across her forehead before pulling from my embrace, giving me an angered glare and shaking from her previous hyperventilation. She paced in a circle around me, calming herself down. I could feel the anger and disappointment radiating off of her pacing form, and I felt a pang of guilt when I saw the look of confusion, hurt and sadness etched across her gorgeous face.
"That's not what I meant, Lilly." I watched as she laughed cruelly, looking at me with a hopeless expression, as if she was begging me to make it better again somehow. "That's not what I meant, because I have a secret of my own, but I never dreamed of having to tell whilst we were fighting. Now I'd appreciate if you'd just calm down and accept my apology."
Lilly's eyes flickered between many unreadable expressions, and her eyes finally narrowed at me. She walked stealthily towards me, and I was suddenly scared for my own life. I dared her to come closer, and closed my eyes as I felt arms sneak around my waist carefully and quietly.
"I can't accept your apology when I'm hurt, Oliver. You can't expect me to forgive you just like that; with a snap of my fingers. I'm angry and upset and I just need time to think out what's just happened."
"And I need to talk it out, Lilly. I know that we're so different it's unbelievable, and you're going to have opinions and so am I, but I think if we just let it all out now it'll all be okay sooner."
I glanced down into my lap as I listened to no reply. I wanted everything to be better for the moment so I could confess a six-year-secret to her. It was going to be hard but I thought I could handle it. I obviously couldn't, because I felt a tear running down my cheek. I felt more join the lone tear and I took this as my chance to escape from the silence. Letting out a choking sob I ran towards the exit; a pathway hidden off by dark trees. I let my fingers brush Lilly's car as I passed it, but kept running towards my destination.
"Oliver, come back. Please, tell me what's on your mind and we can work this out." Hope laced her voice and I stopped suddenly, almost tumbling forwards at the pace I was going. I turned towards her with a slight smile on my face and we stepped towards each other. I let her hand rest in mine as we let ourselves into her car.
I wiped away the dried tears and turned to face her, and felt my heart breaking for her. I squeezed her hand and thought of where to start. How could I tell her all of this without sounding like I wanted her to feel bad for me? For her to suddenly feel sorry for me and layer me with kisses and love? I didn't want that at all.
"So, Oliver. You want to start?"
"Technically, you already started, but sure. Whatever." Lilly smiled at me gently and leaned back, her hands tapping the steering wheel, waiting for me to speak.
What could I say though? It was my secret, my thing. The thing I thought about when no one was around. The pain I could feel by myself; the type where I didn't need anyone holding me, rocking me back and forth as I cried. This was the one thing that I had to myself now. It was the thing that I thought of when I vented all my feelings out. It was on my mind constantly, begging me to remember it. It was moderately easy to hide the pain from everyone, yet the mere mention of their name made you want to cry.
"Oliver." Lilly prompted for me to start, but I couldn't. I didn't know how to, and I wasn't entirely sure if I could. I searched her eyes with my own, the blueness relaxing and massaging my mind into a gentle sleep. I forgot where I was for a second and glanced around me for an idea.
"Right; my secret. That's what you want to hear."
Lilly shook her head and looked out of the window in front of us. "Not really. I just want to know how you 'know'."
I watched her for a moment, before realizing what she meant. I told her that I knew how she felt. I watched my fingers fiddling together.
"Well, someone closed to me has died, and it's felt like my fault ever since. Everyone else seemed to forget her; they seemed to not care about her anymore. She's never mentioned anymore, and sometimes I wonder why exactly. I miss her, think about her everyday. I needed her so much and she left, oblivious to my feelings. I miss her, Lilly. I need her so much." I let tears decorate my cheeks, not caring how feminine I looked for once. I wrapped my face with my arms and leaned against the dashboard, letting all the pain drain from my body. "Whenever I'm on my own, it's like she's watching me. The pain comes back and I have to use every ounce of my strength to stop from crying and screaming. Everything always reminds me of her. Her favorite colour was blue, as is mine. Everything in my room reminds me of her as well. She'd sit on my desk and sing songs. She'd lie on my bed and we'd watch TV together. Everything I set my eyes on had some resemblance to her. She used to watch clouds every summer with me. We'd play for hours on the swings. She used to always say she'd love to climb a mountain. I just can't take anymore, Lilly! She's everywhere and I can't do it. I can't live without my other half."
Lilly was silent. It might've been my hysterical crying or my hurried explanation. She didn't know how to react to the situation I was in, and she seemed confused. I lifted my head and looked at my girlfriend; she was crying still and her mouth was hanging open in shock.
"What do you mean other half?" Lilly whispered, watching her hands that gripped the steering wheel. Her knuckles were turning white and I watched them intently, not sure how to answer.
"She wasn't my girlfriend, don't worry." Lilly breathed a sigh of relief and looked up to see my red, puffy eyes and wet cheeks. She put her hand in mine again and breathed deeply, as if she hadn't done so in a while. "Oh, she was so much more."
Lilly's head snapped up to look at me, to read my expression. I let her, and she looked away again. I felt like such a failure, I pulled my hand from hers and folded my arms. She took the hint and started up the car, pulling out of the position they were in and down the cobblestone road that wound round the mountain.
After about six minutes, I sighed loudly because the silence was hurting me. I couldn't shake her from my mind and I didn't want to have to think about her for much longer.
"What was her name?" Lilly asked after a moment, and I shrugged into the now silence. Lilly's and my breaths mixed together, creating a rhythm. I closed my eyes, wishing for the beat to drive me into a peaceful sleep; a sleep I hadn't experienced since six years ago.
"October. Her name was October, okay?" I re-closed my eyes and breathed deeply, trying to focus on anything but crying again. Lilly didn't seem to get it, and pulled up outside my house.
Opening my eyes, I went to open the passenger door, but Lilly pushed my chest into the back of the chair, and I groaned and closed my eyes.
"October. Who is she?" I watched Lilly with dead eyes, and opened the door and threw myself out of it. I closed it behind me and leaned against it, setting free the tears that had begged to fall minutes ago.
"She's October Oken. She was my best friend. Born October 15th, 1992. Three minutes before me. We shared a bedroom up until her tenth birthday, when she demanded her own room. Then I moved in with Owen, which was okay. I missed having her snuggle up to me at night. I missed tripping over her jump rope, or her dance outfit. I knew she was getting older and she wanted her space, but I was obsessed with her. We were so close, it was crazy. Owen doesn't remember her much, since he was only four when it happened."
I was so close to crying again, yet I chose not to. Lilly's eyes were still watery and she drummed her fingers on the steering wheel, waiting for me to carry on. It just hurt so much more to hear the story out loud.
"March 23rd. The day I wish never existed. The day when I freeze up, and occasionally take a day off. The day when it hurts to do anything physically because I know she's here, she's with me and she's feeling my pain too. That was the day when she was going to her ballet. It was a normal day; but for some reason I was sulky. She asked me to walk her to the theatre, which was just a few blocks down, but I refused and stayed at home. She looked sad, but told me that she'd be back in an hour and that she loved me. Four hours and six minutes later, the phone rings and I'm being told that October's gone missing by my parents. I lived in agony for the passing six months, I hardly touched food and I didn't sleep for the most part." I stopped, letting tears fall down my numb cheeks and allowing the new information form in Lilly's mind.
"The day before our birthday, her dead body was found in the back of a van on the highway near your house. She had been raped, abused and strangled. The guy, Matthew Blackrock, was 49 and had taken her out because she'd refused to give into him. He'd driven her around our neighbourhood, and when she started to cry he told her he could make it better. He then raped her, and they started to drive home when she tried to get out, but parking on the hard shoulder he hit her continuously over the head with something hard, and when she still didn't fall unconscious he strangled her. When I went to the court hearing, I stormed out because the images were so graphic. They found 29 other girls that he had held hostage, all at one time. October was one of the only ones to have been unlucky enough to die."
Lilly was silent. She was staring out at the road in front of her, and I was feeling more and more awkward hanging by her car window, tears staining my usually creased-from-laughing cheeks. I pulled myself away from her car, looking up at my gray, dull house with clouded eyes.
"So that's the truth. She's dead, and I can't ever get her back. I hope you're satisfied." I smiled weakly into the air, knowing all too well that Lilly couldn't see me. She nodded in agreement and started her engine, and I walked solemnly towards the front door of my empty house. If she was still here, I was certain that she'd be hanging out of the window, smiling and laughing. She'd tell me to come in, and that she had just baked some cookies and not to tell ma, because we weren't allowed to use the oven unsupervised.
I smiled again to myself and unlocked the door, swinging it open and taking a confident step into the cold darkness. Closing the door behind, I couldn't help but feel relieved that I had gotten that off of my chest. Breathing in the faint smell of the Oken scent, I entered the kitchen and pulled out a cookbook, browsing through the options before finding the recipe I wanted.
Forty four minutes later, I was holding a warm plate of cookies, my hands shaking as I watched the steam wafting off of them, and tears salted my lips as I wished and wished to feel her arms wrap around me and steal a cookie from the plate in my hands.
I dropped the batch into the bin and sighed, turning and moving into my room. Our room. Because it always will be our room to me.
A/N: So I guess that was kind of a Loliver? I've always thought that Oliver should have a twin, because she'd be such a character. Sadly this time she's dead. I hope I grasped the whole kidnapping right, because I honestly don't know what happens when you get kidnapped.Lol.
I just wanted to grasp the whole death thing as well. I've only had to deal with death twice, once was my dog who caught cancer and died at the age of 8 :-(, and my great-nanny. I never thought she'd go so quickly (well, she was 92, I think. Actually, it was about a month before her birthday that she died.) She goes into hospital after every Christmas, I never knew why, and then she just didn't come out. She had to stay in, and then eventually died :'(. But, I was quite young; that was three or four years ago now, I wasn't even a teenager. I don't even think I was in double digits then. Sigh. And it's probably not very good, and it's very long, yes. But it's taken a lot.
Inspiration from Simple Plan - Untitled. Does that song actually have a title? I've heard it been called that on YouTube, and when someone sent it to me it was called that. That's a depressing song. Hmm. Please review, anywho. I droned on, I realize -- but I tried my hardest and did a lot of rearranging. At the beginning it goes on about Miley, eurgh -- even though her name's only mentioned five times. Ha. Oh well; please review because this took about a week for me to finish, and usually it only takes a day or two for me. So, big projectlol.
Peace and happy times,
chloe.