Hi all! This is sort of a mix between a character study and a fanfic.
Disclaimer: I own nothing here. Sanctuary is awesome. That is all.
XD
Infinity lay before her, eternity lay behind.
John had been the first to show her what it was to love someone with everything she had. The horror she felt upon discovering his dark secret had very nearly broken her and only the shock of an unexpected pregnancy had held the pieces of her fractured heart together. Once Ashley had been safely hidden away she had thrown herself off of the proverbial cliff, diving into her work with such ferocity that even James had become worried.
John became her shadow, a glimpse of swirling light so brief that she couldn't help but think she was imagining it. It wasn't until months later that she realized how wrong she had been. She woke quite suddenly in the middle of the night and found that she was no longer alone. John lay curled up beside her, still clothed above the covers. The change of her breathing must have caused him to wake, a moment later his eyes were drilling into hers. Seeing the intensity of his gaze had drawn a sharp gasp out of her and less than a moment later he was gone. After that he began to haunt her dreams again.
Years passed and then Adam Worth had threatened everything in her world. The shock of seeing John again, of his voice purring as he called her his darling again, had shaken her to the core. As they searched for Adam's weapon he had wasted no time letting her know that he still wanted her. Words were not needed when he looked at her. Even Nigel, loving unobservant Nigel, had seen it in John's gaze. The brief touch, the only touch, that he had initiated had only lasted moments, but its effects held onto her long after John had disappeared when it was all over.
James had been the one to bring her back to life. Years of comfort and unconditional friendship had given way to love, but that hadn't lasted long. During the War she had come face to face with the reality that she still cared for John far more than she would ever admit. Once the sound of the gunshot faded away, her scream still hung in the air. She knew then that it would never be over between them.
Years passed and she learned to live with the fact that no one would ever make her feel the same way John did. Years later, after struggling with the choice for almost a century, she decided to bring their child into the world. She could still feel John in her shadow but even that couldn't convince her that the decision was a bad one. Once Ashley had come into the world everything made sense again, the world was right and normal. At least, as normal as it would ever be in the Sanctuary. It wasn't until John came for her blood that her perception changed. Fear, anger, and panic flooded her system when he teleported Ashley away. She had felt broken again when he teleported away, hopped up on her drugged blood.
It wasn't until the events in Rome that she realized why John had gone to such lengths to preserve his own life. Once his fist burst through Nikola's chest she knew he had only done it to make sure he could keep her and Ashley safe.
Later, once the Lazarus virus had started to affect the Abnormals, John had come to help her once again. Everything happened so quickly, and when it was over Ashley and James were gone. Only her dedication to her work had kept her going, that as well as John's silent support. Even that was gone in a matter of days.
She thought herself strong, holding herself and the members of her team to higher standards than ever before. Again John dominated her dreams, this time Fueled by the lingering looks and subtle touches he had slipped in before he disappeared again. Nightmares soon started and it was all she could do to function. An impromptu session with Will while treading water at the bottom of the abandoned Oil Rig had been enough to get her back on track. Months passed and she found herself looking forward to work each day. She was living her life rather than drifting through while making the motions.
And then John was back, this time bringing with him a revelation that shook the foundation of everything she believed about her feelings for him. He was possessed by a creature that destroyed the man she loved. For a few short hours he was her John again, freed from the creature and its homicidal urges. Only it wasn't to be. Once it was clear that she was in danger, John had stepped in and saved her again. She had been with the love of her life long enough to become confused and overwhelmed by her feelings and then he was gone again. John had faced no such confusion, he loved her unconditionally.
The time between his confession and the next time she saw him became irrelevant the moment she took in his drug riddled body. He had done it to himself, but he had done it because of her. As she looked at him she felt that confusion again, only this time things were clear. Lying beside him and wrapping herself in his arms had been an impulse she couldn't deny. Her heart felt heavy as they jumped around the world and she had allowed part of the walls surrounding her heart to fall.
Once in Hollow Earth she had held a secret hope that she would be able to cure not only herself, but to free John from the energy creature as well. One glance at the bloody message on the transport modules floor told her that John had stepped up and saved her again, just like he always had. They searched Hollow Earth for days and found no traces of him. This only strengthened her resolve.
Trapped in the dream world created by the psych worms, she had found herself without John again. This time driven away by his dedication to punishing the Ripper. The pills brought a welcomed escape but each time she found herself floating in the tank she couldn't help but think that the dream was wrong. Upon further reflection on the flight home, she had realized that the man in her dreams was only an extension of her own subconscious desire to punish John for the Rippers actions VS her desire to find her true happiness with him again. The John in her dreams had been finished persecuting the Ripper and was finally free. Her consciousness in the dream had nearly fallen apart in the face of that freedom. She couldn't let it go. One thing was certain, John would never let her go, even her subconscious realized that. This time the nightmares didn't stay isolated, but rather haunted her waking hours as well.
And then John was asking for her help, the truth came out and all she could feel was fury. Was he really so selfish to wipe out most of her existence just to be with her again? Looking back, she could understand why she had immediately thought him that way, but now she saw it differently.
If they had never taken the source blood, John would never have become the Ripper. Without the ability to teleport the creature couldn't have latched onto him mid jump. If it had never happened, she wouldn't have felt to pain of losing him. She wouldn't have lost so many loved ones, Ashley, her father, James. She wouldn't have felt the drawn out pain of two lifetimes.
He wanted to save her again. Part of her would never forgive him for wanting to take that choice away from her. Not everything had been painful. Now, staring into her future, the rest of her was realizing exactly how he could do it. Hadn't she often wished she could go back? To change things and take the pain of losing so much away? Hadn't she herself traveled deep into the jungle to find a way to cure her abnormality? John had done the same thing, only he wanted to stop the pain from ever happening. How could she condemn him for that, especially when he wanted to save not only her, but himself as well?
The swirling gold grew brighter as the creature fed off of the energy that kept it inaccessible. The light flickered once more and the barrier dropped.
"You can't blame me for the dream Helen." John said. His voice was soft and he looked delirious. She turned back to look at him.
"The hell I can't" She said softly, taking him by surprise as she grabbed his hands and pulled him into the rift with her. They could never get it right before, but that wouldn't stop them from trying again. For All Eternity.
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