A/N: This is my first story in the Criminal Minds fanfiction area. Takes place after the season six finale so contains spoilers for the season and henceworth and takes some ideas from the facts that Seaver is leaving, JJ is returning and Paget Brewster's contract was also renewed. This might happen next season since I like keeping things in canon.
I don't usually write stories in present and second person tense but here, it seemed to fit. This is a very introspective Hotch, with some H/P implied.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, they belong to Jeff Davis, only my imagination is my own.
If you live in the dark for a long time and the sun comes out, you do not cross into it whistling. There's an initial uprush of relief at first, then a profound dislocation. There's been a death of sorts, but without a few days in hell, no resurrection is possible. Mary Karr.
Your need to quench your unit's desire to blame themselves for the death of Emily Prentiss is the reason why you take over the grief assessments. It doesn't surprise you that Derek asks the question that's obvious to all of them and Rossi confirms this later; who assesses the assessor?
You can't tell them that you aren't grieving because she is not really dead; for they must remain in the dark until this is over. So when you hide behind your privacy, they accept it. But when you show Rossi that you cared for her, that you are not okay with any of this, your emotions are real and you are not pretending.
For when you recall that moment, those seconds at the hospital when JJ had announced Prentiss' death and you didn't know, you feel the terror of that moment sweeping over you once more. You didn't know, you hadn't been told and only after JJ told you they were keeping her safe, could you breathe again.
So you don't grieve for her because she is not dead and you keep repeating it to yourself until it becomes a fixture in your head.
In Tampa you realize for the first time that your grief is still there. You walk right into the middle of a hostage situation, involving a woman in a psychotic episode with a gun who has already killed five people. You remove your vest and you simply approach the situation but you don't miss the look on Rossi's face as you pass him by.
While you're in there you keep your emotions in check because that is what you do and you manage to talk the woman down. It is one of those rarest of times when you don't have to pretend to be empathizing with the killer because it is so close and you don't doubt that if Foyet had taken Jack from you, it might be you on a rampage.
The same thing emerges once again in San Diego and while you bring Seaver with you to give her a chance, you are still walking into a dangerous situation with a psychopath. This time your own life is less at a risk but you still feel the adrenaline kicking in while you appreciate Seaver for her ability to connect with the unsub. When Rossi takes his shot, you are reminded of your mortality and you get out of the way, glad he doesn't miss.
When Morgan dives in to save a girl from drowning in North Carolina, you don't hesitate for a second to jump right in. You tell yourself it was justified when you need to shoot the unsub and when the girl regains consciousness, you are glad for a life saved.
Later on the plane you realize what you are doing. This is your way of letting out your grief because you know that this is you, trying to control the uncontrollable, and your self-profiling let's you know this is what you do every time. If you can walk into a situation like that and get out unharmed, some twisted sense of logic in your head is telling you that so can Prentiss.
You know that your team doesn't want to leave this unit and a part of you is glad because dynamics is the key and constant change inside this unit could bring about dangerous consequences. But another part of you knows that every one of them is capable of doing great things and you worry that remaining at the BAU will take these chances away from them. JJ took her chance but returned so their loyalty is not under question.
Morgan is a natural leader and he has demonstrated this once before, acting as the unit chief and you were not shy about letting him know that. New York is an amazing opportunity for him to showcase that but you are not surprised when he tells you he will not leave.
Rossi could very well leave and to the onlookers it might seem like he's the least attached member of the team. But you know your friend better than that and while he would never admit to it, you know why he came back. David Rossi is lonely and alone in essence and all the money and fame can't change that so he returned to the one place that always made him feel good, in a way his real home with any of his wives did.
You are aware of the obvious that for Dr. Spencer Reid, there are many opportunities out there, outside the FBI. He could do anything with his intelligence, his knowledge, his skills but he chooses to do this job and you know that this unit is his family. He loves his mother and has reconnected with his father but he's always felt out of place everywhere and this is possibly the only place where he feels safe.
For Garcia, this job is filled with gore and horror and she is the one member of the team who still can't look at pictures of mutilated bodies and not feel sick. She keeps it all together and she is an invaluable asset to the team and the FBI but you know she is questioning this and silently wondering when she'll lose a piece of herself to this job and cannot return anymore. But when you suggest change after she tells you what Kevin propositioned, she is surprised and makes it very clear she will not leave anyone behind.
Seaver is the newest addition to this team and while she's comfortable with others and her insight is helpful, you sense that she is not really ready for this. She keeps her calm and claims she doesn't see her father in any of the serial killers – and you believe her – but when you discover a copycat of Charles Beauchamp, she falls apart. When she requests a transfer to the counterterrorism branch, you grant her that, saying that she is welcome back when she feels ready.
You try not to think about Prentiss as summer drags on and the temperatures reach their highs. You take Jack out, coach him and his friends, spend time reading and even take a vacation with him. Crimes drop in summertime and even serial killers seem to be enjoying this time of the year. With all this free time, you cannot stop thinking if it's this warm wherever she is and you imagine her in both hot and cold climate.
The Interpol keeps you up to date with their investigation into Ian Doyle and as you track his movements across the world with them, you sometimes contemplate what Clyde Easter asked you a long time ago.
If you want to stop that man, you have to put a bullet between his eyes yourself. Can you do that? Can you break your oath, agent Hotchner?
You said you couldn't but you would save Prentiss. But you lied to that man because the reality was that if you came into contact with Ian Doyle and killing him would mean saving Emily, you would do it. You hadn't felt this kind of deep, seething rage towards someone since Foyet killed Haley and you just had to kill him. You would be capable of killing Doyle in the same way and while you lay in bed at night during this summer of heat, you wonder what it means.
The problem is, being a profiler, you already know even if you don't want to admit it to yourself.
Fall approaches quickly and the temperatures drop. You go on profiling and analyzing and catching killers and the team has healed from losing one of their one, they have let go. You feel strained whenever your gaze meets JJ's because the burden of what you know is heavy. Telling the team would set you free but knowing that in doing this you would endanger Emily and that would be a far larger burden, so you keep quiet.
You've started thinking of her as Emily, not Prentiss and you don't try to ignore your reasons for doing so any longer. If this has taught you anything, you are tempted to give in to those reasons when you see her again and you enforce the when instead of the if in your head until you believe in it.
You've never been a man of wild imagination but your mind conjures up possible scenarios of how she will return to the team. You can imagine shock, amazement, anger, resentment, happiness, denial and so many questions but you cannot see your own feelings in there. You only see the team and you know that despite their initial reluctance, they would welcome her back.
The year passes from September to October and one week you notice it's her 41st birthday and you smile to yourself in the silence and darkness of your office. Then you realize you haven't had contact from Interpol in over two weeks and it makes you uneasy. But when you arrive at your apartment late that night, there is a postcard with a view of Washington on your doorstep and when you turn it over, you cannot fathom the short message at first.
It's over. E.
You keep staring at it but you don't feel anything besides disbelief that a simple postcard, that three words and one initial could change so much. You read it over and over again and you know it is her handwriting and she wouldn't sign it with her initial if she was still in danger; she didn't send you anything. This is personal and you notice your hands shaking slightly as you enter your apartment in a haze.
It's been a week since the postcard arrived and you've started to worry but one morning when you arrive, too early for everyone else, Strauss invites you into her office and there she is. She's just standing there like it's nothing but suddenly you know that this is everything. You hear Strauss explaining Emily has asked to be reinstated since the situation has been resolved and that you are authorized to brief the team but not too much.
All this fades into background noise as you notice she's lost weight, she's tan and lithe and her hair is now much longer than you remember. You think it's all different but you realize it's still her by the way she looks at you and you struggle to keep your stoic expression in place. When you leave Strauss, you haven't still said anything to each other and you keep walking to the elevator, to descend to the BAU.
"Doyle is dead."
She initiates the contact first and you're grateful because you're not sure what you might've blurted out yourself.
"Did you...?" You leave the question hanging but she understands you and slowly shakes her head.
"Not me."
For the first time in months you feel the burden lifting and the only thing you are sorry for now is that you didn't end his life. This revelation stays with you as you meet the team and you know they will rationalize everything you're telling them but their emotional state will need some healing. In the end, it will all come together again.
It's been a month since Emily returned and you know the team has finally let the past go and is focused on the future. They are a family reunited and you watch them with a secret smile on your face. You've noticed Rossi keeping an eye on you like he's waiting for you to surprise him and you realize you can't keep secrets from profilers if they know how to look for them although the rest of the team seems oblivious to your inner struggle.
All the reasons you contemplated the time she was away, are urging you to take action, to do something. Your rationality fights them every day and your resolve doesn't weaken because you are Aaron Hotchner but you find yourself taking that burden on your shoulders. Life without any hardship must be unknown to you so you simply carry this weight as well.
You're out for a walk in the chilly November night when you spot Emily a few steps ahead of you and you catch up with her. You walk through the park mostly in silence and it's a good silence, the kind you are thankful for just because she is walking with you.
"It feels so surreal to be back. Sometimes I want to imagine I never left and I never had any knowledge of Ian Doyle, hoping it would make it all better. But I can't."
"It happened but that doesn't mean you have to keep living in it."
She offers a small smile and looks into the distance and you think she's never looked so beautiful and these are dangerous thoughts, paired with fraternization rules. You want to take a step towards her because you can't risk a leap just yet.
"I am not a vindictive person by nature but just knowing that he's dead makes me feel satisfied that he can never hurt you again."
She hears the conviction and danger in your voice and looks up, a bit startled by this but also a lot hopeful and you know this is it.
"I felt so small, so helpless and the worst thing was not knowing if I was ever coming back, if I could ever see you again."
"Not if. It was always when you came back, not if, for me, Emily."
There is more emotion in her name than you've ever shown her and she notices it and in that infinitely short moment, everything changes. You take her hand, slowly entwining your fingers and the smile that graces her features this time is so pure, so radiant that the burden lifts and you know you will breathe this easily for the rest of your life.
A/N: So, weird or not? Do let me know.