"Well, fuck this wasn't my greatest idea," Edward's smile betrayed the exasperated sigh that escaped him.

I shook my head, peering out of the window into the winter landscape before us. "Your way with words will get you killed one of these days." Edward chuckled, turning his attention back to what was going on outside. Hiding inside an abandoned barn in the middle of nowhere was not exactly what we had planned for the evening. I glanced at him as he ran a gloved hand through his short hair.

It was a strange sight, even two months later. The style looked good on him, no doubt about that. Especially when it came forward the way it was now. The style gave him an interesting combination of young sex appeal and confidence that I hadn't realized he could even possess. Now, it was like he was a completely different person. The last year or so, Edward had mellowed out considerably. His tendency to fly off the handle, emotions raging, had begun to simmer to a quieter and more direct approach to a solution.

It made me wonder what had changed. His hair had been the staple of his appearance almost as much as his red coat and black attire had been in his youth. Even that had changed in the last year, opting for the blue uniform. The decision to actually wear it most likely was due to him finally reaching a stout 5 feet, 9 inches. He was still muscular, but less stocky than before. I found myself having a hard time believing he was twenty-four this year.

Twelve years had come and gone. Too fast, in my opinion.

"Hey, Mustang!" Edward nudged me with an elbow, tearing my attention from the frosted over window. "I don't think they'll bother to look for us, if they even managed to follow this far. What do you think-fire, or no fire?"

I sighed, scratching my chin absentmindedly. "We should wait before drawing attention to ourselves this soon. I'm not going to die of hypothermia because you wanted to pick a fight with the biggest guy in the place over alchemy."

Edward snorted, "Tch, what was he going to do about it? All it would have taken was a simple transmu-"

"Exactly, and then you would have given them the only reason they needed to start a fight." I interrupted him, knowing where his argument with this topic usually went.

Instead of arguing, however, Edward only shrugged and grabbed his pack off the ground. "At least I would have been able to prove MY point. Regardless, we're unscathed and not dead yet." The smile in his voice made me groan to myself quietly. Of course we weren't dead yet, thanks to me! "You can stop sulking about it, you know. I'm well aware I was out of line."

This time I turned and met his gaze. It hit me again that this was not the brash teenager I was used to-predictibly unpredictable. Now, he was just unpredictable no matter what. I glanced away, sighing, "I just wish you'd chosen a better climate to do this in. I'm hoping that it's safe enough within the hour to start a fire otherwise we'll be getting very familiar with each other."

"Well, I did buy a bottle of wine and a bottle of that bourbon. Although I'm sure you wouldn't want to be any kind of inebriated in case they do find us."

I decided to sit across from Edward as he flashed that trademark grin, wiggling the bottle at me before stashing it back in his pack. "Why do you even have those?"

Edward shrugged. "Al said he had some great news for me, so I'm expecting to hear that he and Winry are getting married or that she's pregnant, or both. My baby brother was very cryptic over the phone, which is unusual. He must be excited about whatever it is."

"Alphonse has come a long way in these last few years."

"I couldn't be more proud of him than I have been lately. He's doing what he wants with his life. He gets to help people and Winry finally quit hitting me with heavy tools. Never thought I'd see the day Al would be able to breathe and feel again." Edward leaned against the wall, eyes half closed. "It's about time things worked out for him."

I noticed the heavy change in his tone and it was alarming. The longer I stared at him, Edward appeared almost depressed. I glanced up to the window behind him, realizing the snow and wind had picked up considerably. It was unlikely that anyone would bother to continue looking for us with the weather worsening. I looked back at Edward and battled my wants with what I knew was the right thing to do.

Fuck it.

"You mentioned bourbon, are you sure you can handle it?" I said, the teasing in my voice more prominent that I'd expected.

Edward cracked an eye open at me in disbelief. "You're serious? No lecture on the importance of maintaining a clear head when we're at risk of being attacked by mongoloid townsfolk with pitchforks and torches? No 'Hey, that's a terrible fucking idea and I'm going to hit you for even joking about it?'"

At his last comment, I had to laugh. "I've only hit you when you deserved it, and those times were few and far between."

"Still a little fresh in my memory, sorry." Edward laughed quietly. "Although you are right, I usually did have it coming." He leaned over his pack for a moment and withdrew the dark liquor. After messing with the cork, he clapped his hands together and gently grasped the glass jug in both hands. Frost traveled up the sides almost immediately. Taking a swig, he handed it off to me.

"I'm surprised, I wouldn't have taken you for a man that enjoys the finer things in life."

Edward hummed in response. "You forget that you aren't the only good-looking guy in Amestris anymore, Mustang."

At that, I found myself chuckling. "You think you can compete with these looks? I'm practically a legend."

"And legends grow old, then fade away." Edward smirked. "Face it, old man, your time has come and gone. Better settle down before you embarrass yourself."

"I could say the same to you," I paused, taking another swig before handing the bourbon back to him.

Edward drew up his knees, his pack between his legs as he took a long draw out of the bottle. "If I find someone capable of dealing with the mess in my head, it'll be a miracle." He laughed, but it was almost mirthless.

After a few minutes of silence, I realized the alcohol already warming my insides. His comment brought a slew of questions to mind. "Edward?"

"Hmmm?"

"What made you decide to finally wear the standard issue uniform?"

His calculated, blank stare said more than his next words. "Because I can finally fit into one."

"Did you just crack a short joke at yourself?"

Edward smiled halfheartedly. "I guess I did, huh?"

"You can answer honestly, Ed. I'm sure it's a more simple answer than we didn't have a size that fit you. They're tailored to individuals for a reason."

Fear flickered across his features and he quickly glanced away. "Got tired of being a brat about it, I guess. It's really not that big of a deal. Once I wore it a few times, I felt ridiculous for all the energy I put into fighting you about it." He tipped the bottle up once more and passed it back to me. "Answer my question next? Seems fair, you know, equivalent exchange."

"What's on your mind?"

"In all seriousness, why haven't you settled down yet? And I don't want some crap excuse, either. You used to be up to your ears in tits."

Now it was my turn to look away guiltily as I put the bottle to my lips. At least his vulgarity hadn't changed much...

"It's not exactly the easiest thing to explain. There are too many factors, which mostly include my time at work and the responsibilities that ensue. Not many women are as patient and understanding as Gracia was for Maes. That woman was one in a million." I sighed heavily. Edward looked away, grief passing over his features for a moment or two before he met my gaze again. "We both lost a part of ourselves we'll never gain back that day."

The unspoken part of my confession registered clearly on Edward's face as he blushed. "I didn't realize he meant that much to you." He spoke quietly and almost too carefully.

I smiled solemnly, "Not many people did. Gracia was a very understanding woman when it came to us."

Edward cleared his throat a little, and I could barely see how glassy his eyes were, but the emotion he displayed there went beyond what I thought was capable. "I didn't mean to...-"

"Nonsense, Fullmetal, don't apologize. We're playing a game of honesty here, drunk or not, rules are rules. Speaking of, I do believe it's my turn." Another swallow of bourbon passed my lips and it burned all the way down as I handed it back to him, taking note of the contents. If we kept this up, the bottle would be gone within the hour. I waited until he took his mouthful of the liquor before asking, "Why did you cut your hair?"

Our eyes locked in a strange moment of emotion that was too complicated to read. Hurt, anger, confusion... It swirled around his face too fast to really pin it down. He set the bottle between his legs with unsteady hands, taking in a sharp breath. "I needed a change."

He made it sound so simple, but the pain behind the statement was palpable. I could tell by the way he was fingering the lip of the bottle that he was trying to decide what to say next, so I waited patiently with a fixed and steady gaze. When he finally looked up at me, his lips were twisted in such a way that I'd never seen before. "It started about a year ago. I should have known better, but it was the first time I truly felt like I connected with someone-anyone, and I fell head over heels. About 3 months ago, we broke it off. Shit became complicated because we were careless."

I cocked my head to the side, watching him scratch his forehead. I decided to give him a moment to consider whether or not he wanted to continue when he finally let out a sigh.

"His name is Ilyich Grey," Edward whispered. "He had twin sons, Benjamin and Trevor. His wife died almost two years ago. I feel so stupid for thinking I deserved any kind of happiness with him."

My eyes widened with the realization of his words. His eyes locked with mine, filled with an anguish I'd only seen a few times in that beautiful gaze. "What happened?"

Edward frowned, as if he wasn't going to answer. I briefly wondered if he realized the question was out of turn.

"His in-laws came back hours earlier than expected with the kids. We were in the back yard on the hammock and didn't hear them when they got there. It wouldn't have been difficult to explain my presence there, but since the best Ben or Trevor could manage to say my name was Dee, they had assumed Ilyich was seeing someone. So when they decided to come back early it was to meet me. Anyway, we were caught in a very intimate moment. Can't really explain away why the father of your grandchildren is elbow deep in another man's trousers."

Edward took another long swig from the bottle and handed it back to me. I took the bottle, but grasped his hand in mine. "You deserve happiness, Edward. No matter what you may think, you of all people in this world deserve to be happy. He should have been stronger for you, should have stood up for you."

He chuckled drunkenly. "It wasn't that he didn't try, Mustang. They threatened to take the kids, threatened to out me to the military, threatened to take the house, since it was still in their name when he married their daughter. Not that I care, but it was the simple fact they weren't above having him committed to a psychiatric ward and declared an unfit parent. It was a mutual agreement that we not see each other anymore. I don't want to be responsible for tearing another family apart. I fucked up Al's life enough with being stubborn, I made Winry cry all the time, too. I certainly destroyed the Hughes' lives through and through. How many more people have to get hurt because of my actions?"

"So back to the original question, why the hair?" I asked tentatively.

Edward drew in a shaky breath. "I was so devastated that I went and sought professional help. After a month of talking to someone, I came to the conclusion it was time to separate myself from a lot of things. My father, Ilyich... I just couldn't look in the mirror anymore and be okay with what I saw. I'm still on a medication that I can take when I need it, some days the anxiety gets the better of me."

I was silent for a moment before stating an obvious fact that was overlooked. "You were not responsible for what happened to Maes, Ed."

"It certainly doesn't feel that way. It's hard for me to see past the fact that Envy did it to get to me. Some days I feel like I've moved past that, but on the worst days I...," He paused, his voice catching in his throat. "The shame of everything I did and the consequences just piles on. Ilyich was the first person to break down that wall, to get past my insecurities. He did so much to gain my trust and when I realized I was falling hard for him, he accepted it. I miss him so much it hurts."

The shame in his tone made me want to admonish the feelings he held onto so desperately. "Love is never easy."

"Pfft, wise words, fortune cookie."

"I've only told two people this, Edward, so listen closely. Maes was the only person that kept me from blowing my brains out after the war. It got to the point where I felt that he was the only person who really understood what happened to me, and what was still happening to me because of it. I fell in love with who he was, what he stood for. He accepted it, tried to get past his own discomfort to be the person I needed the most. When he met Gracia, I realized I couldn't give him the life he wanted. I couldn't give him children, a family life, a white picket fence. He felt like he was leaving me to wallow in life's misery when he told me he loved her as much as he loved me. I will never regret letting him go for her. In fact," I swallowed hard, squeezing Edward's hand tightly, "she is the only person in this universe that I would have given him up to."

Edward's eyes were widened with complete surprise. He glanced away, as if afraid to look me in the eyes. We sat in silence for quite some time, holding onto each other's hand tightly. It was then that I really felt the effects of the alcohol hitting me. Part of me was embarrassed at the confession. It had been years, YEARS, since I told anyone about the extent of Maes' effect on my life. "Mustang... I-"

"If you say you're sorry, I might actually hit you." I smiled sadly. "Things are out of our control, and sometimes we have to accept that whether we like it or not. You deserved to be with Ilyich, no matter who protested it. I never held you responsible for Maes, and I never will. You were fighting your own battles from the start, as is everyone who puts their life on the line with the military. If not Envy, then some other crazed, power-hungry asshole from a less worthy cause would have been responsible. Who's to say it wouldn't have been Havoc, or Hawkeye? Even myself, for that matter. Everyone is at risk in this lifestyle, for many reasons that are, to reiterate, out of our control."

He nodded, swallowing hard. I took the opportunity to take his hand in both of mine. He clenched his fist, his choked sob wracking his body as he hunched forward. His forehead rested on my hands. I could feel his tears, hot and all to real, against my skin

For the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to do.

For him or myself.

So I let him cry. I did not care that there were frozen lines of misery on my hands. In my opinion, it was the least I could do for him. After a few more minutes of the silent sobs shaking through his core, Edward pulled away from me, sitting back. He wiped his face and cleared his throat loudly. I could hear the apology already starting on the tip of his tongue, but I stopped it with a single finger to my own lips. He nodded and exhaled harshly.

"I wish you had come to me about this," I whispered. "You should know by now that bearing these burdens on your own is unnecessary. Friends are there for a reason."

Edward snorted at that, "I guess I didn't realize I had a friend in you. No offense, but you usually suck at this sort of thing. You really channeled Hughes there for a few moments." He brought his tear-filled gaze to mine and I felt myself rocked to my core. Whether he realized it or not, it was a compliment that touched the deeper parts of me.

"He is eternal sunshine, even in death. Nobody can compare, he always knew what to say to people no matter what the situation was," I replied, wiping the tears that had welled in my own eyes. "and I am unfortunately fairly drunk. I can only imagine how you feel right now."

"I can hold my own, even if I'm missing two limbs and a good forty pounds compared to you," Edward smiled slightly. "Not even Al knows what's been going on. He never got to meet Ilyich, and I know he's been worried about me. Cutting my hair was a sure sign something was really wrong. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him."

I leaned back and glanced out the window. At some point, the snow had stopped. I brought myself to a standing position, my head only swimming a little as I cracked the door to the barn open and peered out. "It should be safe." I muttered, stepping out into the frigid air. The moon was bright, reflecting brilliant shades of blue against the snow. I stepped around the corner into the shadow and made sure there weren't any dangers lurking. It would be easy to ambush us in the state we were in. The last thing I wanted was to be sloppy and miss something important.

"Going somewhere?" Edward called out quietly, but firmly, not bothering to hide the vague amusement.

I glanced over my shoulder as I rounded the next corner, motioning for him to go around the opposite side. He nodded, and within moments I saw him just on the other side. I sighed and stuck my hands in my pockets. "Just because I let us be irresponsible and get drunk would be no excuse to put ourselves at a disadvantage. I am going to go find a tree and mark it with utter disregard."

For the first time in a long time, Edward laughed. It was a pure sound, full of the mirth he needed to find again. "That's a little vulgar, even for you. Isn't that supposed to be my line?"

I shrugged, turning towards the line of trees barely fifteen feet out from the building. When I was done, I came around the front and observed Edward for a moment in the silence. He was staring up at the moon, shoulders slack and hands deep in his coat. It was a sight to behold. There was no way to quietly approach, but I did my best to not interrupt the moment he was having with the world. I stood next to him on his right, remaining silent.

"You know," He whispered, "The sky still looks the same here. Often times I wonder if I really left here when I was seventeen or if it really was all just in my head."

"You came back with knowledge of things you couldn't have possibly pulled out of thin air. Whatever truly happened is of no consequence, you came back and that's all that matters."

"That's easy for you to say. I was gone for two years. I would never have figured out that I needed to use my blood to make alchemy work in that place if it hadn't happened by accident like it did. I'm lucky I didn't lose any more limbs coming back through that fucking Gate." Edward shook his head, kicking at the snow. He pulled his hands out of his pockets, running both of them through his hair once more.

I hesitated for a moment, but stuffed the feeling down. I reached out and laced the fingers of my left with his right. Edward looked at me curiously and I smiled, a drunken blush spreading across my features. "You're drowning, Ed," I finally said. "You need to let someone pull you out of the water or you'll sink."

He stared at me, a confused frown fleeting across his features. I stared back, not quite stoic, allowing him to interpret it as he wanted. "You're drunk." He said finally, shaking his head.

"That doesn't change much, does it?"

"It could," He pointed out, "if by morning you don't remember."

I sighed, positioning myself in front of him, my hand still gripping his. With my right, I cupped his jaw. "I can't be everything you need right now, but whatever it is that will get you through this, I can at least be that."

Soooo...This happened. I was bribed with pumpkin pie. Can you really blame me? Reviews are welcome :) Thanks for reading! xoxo