Claustrophobia
Leon was just plain tired. He had been on the ship with those other fools for a full day now and it was starting to take its toll. Sure, it wasn't a quick hop, skip and a jump from Terazzi to Frostheim and the situation was to be expected. However, Leon hated being in such close proximity to other people and said allies were not making it any easier on him.
Rutee and Stahn had gotten into a fight over whose turn it was to be on watch duty that night. She insisted that she'd had enough of that job after having to wait around for those pirates in Fitzgald. He told her that he'd been the one on guard the last time they were on a ship and wanted someone else to take a turn. Mary took that moment to butt in and try to separate them, but Rutee simply yelled at her for not being helpful. Then, Philia attempted to appease everyone and was ignored. Poor Leon was forced to sit and listen to all of this.
Finally, Leon had enough of the fighting and agreed to go on guard duty; he'd do anything to get the greedy witch, the idiot, the priestess and the berserk woman back inside and out of his hair. As he looked out over the rolling sea, his mind drifted back to Rutee. Sometimes, he felt like she gave him the most annoyance out of all the people he had to work with.
"That girl, she's so argumentative," he said to the night, "Then again, she'd probably say the same thing about me if I mentioned it to her."
-Really, Bocchan? I've never heard you speak like that,- Chaltier commented.
Leon told his faithful Swordian, "I guess I've been thinking a lot lately. I know it's almost over; once we corner Lydon in Phandaria he won't have any place left to run. Once the Eye of Atamoni is secured, they'll all go away. But…I fear for what is to come next."
It was times like this that Chaltier wished he had a body so he could pat his young master on the back for comfort; underneath all that bravado and battle prowess, Leon was still just a scared kid who could only turn to Marian or his Swordian for comfort. -Are you thinking about what Hugo plans to do next? We know he's powerful, but he's never told you much of his plans.-
"I'm a pawn; of course he'd keep silent," Leon replied, "If I knew enough about the details then I could find a way to throw a monkey wrench into them; I only know what he wants. However, not only am I ignorant but Hugo also has Marian. He would hurt her if I betrayed him. And, if I get close to these people, they'll just be used to make me comply with orders as well."
-So that's why…why you always try to keep Rutee away from you,- Chaltier stated.
Leon whispered, "She was abandoned; Hugo didn't want her even though she could also hear the Swordians' voices. But that was her good fortune because she's free of his grasp and the plot. Wheras I am forced to endlessly slave towards his goals day in and day out. Even the fact that she's on this journey upsets me; she doesn't know that she's aiding the man who betrayed her in his mad scheme to create some sort of utopia."
He sighed and began to think back to his past, to a lost childhood. When he was about a year old, his mother had died suddenly. Hugo, his father, was evasive about the subject if ever he brought it up, and would tell the boy to just be quiet. Leon always suspected her death had something to do with Hugo in some way, but never had the proof to back it up.
The very same night that his mother had died, his older sister disappeared. Hugo never mentioned what happened to her, but Chaltier knew. He was lying on a desk in the nursery where the two children were sleeping, awake and pondering things. So he saw when Hugo took the feisty three-year-old out of her bed and left. Before leaving the room, he'd also picked up the other Swordian in the family's possession, Atwight. However, though Hugo was back by morning, Chaltier never saw the girl or the Swordian again.
Leon had been told all of these mysteries back when he was still a child, confused about the world. Back then, he was simply Emilio Katrea, a boy who cried for a dead mother and missing sister while being denied the comfort of his father. Now, he was living a lie constructed and carefully fabricated by Hugo; he was Leon Magnus, a master swordsman who would do anything to complete his mission. Sometimes, Leon longed to call back Emilio, to show his true nature to his allies. But fear kept him hidden and prevented him from opening up.
He slammed his fist down on the ship's rail in anger. "I just wish this could be over and done with, that I could have the courage to slay Hugo with my own hands! If he were dead, then I could finally open up to the others. Then…I could get my sister back."
-Bocchan!- exclaimed Chaltier, -You must be hurting so much…to hide yourself from her.-
"Chal…I'm sorry. If she hates me then she can go forward. Nobody knows how much I would rather throw my arms around her and cry on her shoulder about the pain I've suffered. But I can't let Rutee become a part of Hugo's plan as well; she may be a loud mouthed brat but she's still the older sister I love so dearly," Leon whispered.
Chaltier stated, -Love can hurt. But it's also how humans are able to get by in life. This entire debacle will cause her so much pain…once she realizes her father and brother will be the ones at the end of her blade. Perhaps finding love will be what can heal her when it's over.-
Leon let those words sink in a little. He could see the Swordian's point; surely Marian's kindness and caring had been the only reason he felt he could face another day at times. "But the question is, who? Rutee hasn't shown that she cares about anyone other than herself."
-Well, you're wrong there,- Chaltier informed him, -Take a closer look at her. Rutee is just as scared as you are about life and facing the future. Remember that she was abandoned when she was just a tiny child. I'm sure that has caused some emotional scars, just as your training has given you pain. But she's allowed the others in this group to befriend her and that helps to ease her loneliness.-
"That still doesn't tell us how we're going to find someone to support her emotionally once all of this crap gets out in the open," Leon said.
Chaltier inquired, -Well, how about Stahn?-
That caused Leon to begin to burst out loud laughing. "Rutee and Stahn!? They're always fighting! Not in the way I fight with her, but it's always some stupid little thing such as guard duty or the fact that Stahn is difficult to wake in the morning."
-But Stahn is a kind boy,- Chaltier added, -He's willing to give comfort to anyone who needs it. I'm sure that when she discovers her past he will give her the emotional support she needs to move on and do what has to be done.-
Leon tried to picture his sister crying in the arms of that idiot…but found he couldn't. No matter how hard he tried, he was unable to see Rutee crying. Her face was always smiling and her eyes reflected happiness and fun all the time. Though Leon knew that she probably did cry when she wanted to, and what would happen in the future would definitely make her upset, he was unable to visualize it. A part of him believed it was because he never saw her crying, but deep in his heart Leon knew that the sight of his sister in such a state would upset him greatly.
"You know I won't play matchmaker; that doesn't really fit me," the youth remarked.
Chaltier said, -That's why I suggested Stahn. He'd go to her with his support even if nobody asked him to and try to make her feel better. Perhaps that will turn to something more.-
Leon stifled his laughter. "I don't know if it will become love or not. But that idiot better take care of my sister. Because though I have to go through with Hugo's stupid plot and will end up fighting them if they come after me, I don't want her to ever be hurt."
-You'll see,- the Swordian whispered, -I can tell what he'll do once this all comes out.-
S...S
"Stahn! Get your lazy ass up!" yelled Rutee. She was down in the bedrooms trying to wrestle her sleeping comrade out of dreamland. However, the racket she was making was so loud that Leon heard it up in the dining room where he was having breakfast.
As the two came upstairs, the swordsman muttered, "It's just another day with the witch and the idiot. Always making a commotion over nothing."
Rutee growled at his words. "You try waking Stahn up in the morning then!"
"Whatever," Leon replied, "I take no responsibility for the injuries he sustains when I'm on the job; you may be loud and obnoxious but I can beat him up or shock him if needed."
"Don't you dare turn that tiara on Stahn for sleeping in! It's not his fault that he naturally needs more sleep than the rest of us. Nothing I can do to him is as painful as that stupid device of yours; having been on the receiving end of those shocks I should know," Rutee commented.
Leon muttered, "I could turn it on you, if you'd so prefer to feel pain in his stead."
Stahn picked that moment to step in. "Please, Leon. Let's not fight over this. Rutee just wanted to show she was concerned about me, in her own way."
Looking at the girl, Leon was sure that statement had made her blush. He turned up his eyebrow with curiosity. The young man couldn't quite realize how Stahn's kindness had caused such a reaction; this was how the blond always was.
"I think he's lost in thought," Stahn commented, "I didn't say anything that profound."
S...S
Leon thought about his sister's reaction to her friend's words for the rest of the morning. It wasn't anything romantic, nor was it something potentially embarrassing. So why was she blushing as if she'd just been caught red-handed lip locking in a closet?
-Maybe she does like him. Rutee doesn't usually come to the defense of other people so quickly, especially someone she's prone to teasing about the issue you were commenting on. And he did try to guard her honor when you practically threatened her,- Chaltier said.
Leon replied, "Maybe she's just so irked about me shocking her, that she is defensive on the subject of anyone getting that thing."
Chaltier chuckled a little bit. -Ah, Bocchan, you do kind of go overboard with it. Are you sure that you have to use such…drastic methods to push Rutee away? I think the clashing of personalities is enough to make her eternally frustrated.-
"I guess I'm scared," Leon said, "Scared it won't be enough. You've lived this hell with me and know how much pain it is. She's safe…that's all that matters."
"Who's safe?" inquired the voice of Mary. The amnesiac woman had just come out of the cabin to look out over the railing and watch the rolling sea. But upon hearing Leon's strange words, words not like his usual bratty self, she got curious. And unlike with Rutee and Stahn, Mary no longer had a tiara that Leon could use to push her back.
He had to think fast; there was no way that he wanted Rutee's best friend to know the truth, but he had to say something. Leon told her, "Just someone I know back in Darilsheid; once we stop Lydon's plans of domination and Seinegald is safe, then she'll be safe."
Mary was thinking, trying to remember. "Oh! Is it that Marian woman we met at Hugo's? He said something about her waiting for your return."
"None of your damn business!" Leon snapped, "Just go bother Rutee or Stahn instead; they put up with inane conversation." With that, he turned away and walked back into the cabin to return to his room; at least there he had a degree of privacy.
The young man flopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Alone…that's what he always was. He tried to remember a time before everything went sour, a time when his mother was still alive and his sister still at home, but it was futile; Leon had been too young back then. Even now, when other people were around him and wanting him to enjoy their company, he still felt like there was no one who could comfort him. And he would continue to feel that until he went back home to Marian.
"To think…on a big ship like this, where I can maintain distance between myself and the others even in the same room, I can still feel boxed in and closed off. I feel like they're smothering me and at the same time I'm still surrounded by a barrier that prevents any comfort," he whispered.
Chaltier replied, -You'll always have me, Bocchan. Me and Marian. We'll never desert you no matter what your father does to harm you.-
For once, a small, sad smile crossed the boy's face. "Thanks, Chal. And it's because of you two that I can make it towards tomorrow."
S...S
Leon said little and ate less during dinner. Instead, he watched as Mary scarfed down her meal like an animal and Stahn and Rutee were having an eating contest over on the other side of the table. Only Philia was eating normally that evening.
"Leon, are you sure you're okay?" the priestess inquired, "You've hardly touched your meal."
"I'm fine. I've just been strategizing how best to assault Lydon so we can get this damn mission over and done with!" he stated.
Rutee said, "She was just worried about your health, you know. If you don't eat, then you can't be at your top strength. And if you had to be helpless and we had to help you, then you'd be in an even fouler of a mood than you are on a daily basi…Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Leon held the remote for the tiara in his hand, pointing it angrily. "Just shut up! I can eat how much I want, when I want and none of you have the right to scold me!"
"She has a point," Stahn said, "You might fall ill if you don't eat. After all, food is what keeps us going. It's not that we want to annoy you, Leon; we want to help you out. And I don't think something like that was deserving of Rutee getting shocked."
"Well, if she'd leave me alone, then I wouldn't shock her!" Leon exclaimed.
Stahn yelled, "Hurting a lady is unforgivable! I could see shocking us if we tried to escape, but we aren't. We're in it until the end. However, from the very first moment that Hugo equipped us with those tiaras, you've used it to do nothing but bully her!" He helped Rutee to her feet, brushing her off.
Leon was taken aback by his words. There was no way that Stahn could ever understand his pain, his suffering, when he had to push the button that would give Rutee her punishment to end their arguments. He could never imagine a world where the only way to save the lives of those you care about involved pushing them as far away as possible. In no way shape or form would Stahn ever realize that Leon's true feelings for his sister were hidden deep down under the surface.
However, letting the older warrior know these issues would just cause more trouble than it was worth. "If I wanted to bully her, I would be playing with that thing and shocking her over and over again like I did to Batista during the interrogation. She just has to learn her place, that's all."
"If you were a real man," Stahn whispered, "Then you wouldn't do that to a lady."
Leon looked over his shoulder to see Rutee thanking Stahn for his concern and insisting that she was so used to being shocked that the pain went away quickly. But the idiot was still concerned for her health and asked if she needed help with anything, which she denied. The young swordsman sighed; why in the world did Stahn fuss over someone who both looked and insisted that she was completely fine?
S...S
-I don't think you have to worry, Bocchan. Stahn's concern over such little things as this shows that he is going to be very willing to take care of her bigger issues later on,- Chaltier told the boy when they were back in their room for the night.
Leon whispered, "I'm starting to agree with you, Chal. Trapped as I am, it's too late for me to escape the walls that close in even more every day. But she is free and safe. If I don't make sure she knows, then her identity can be used against her later on. So, I will need to admit the truth to her eventually, when things are at their roughest. I'll do it in such a way that she can't help to be pissed at both me for my attitude and Hugo for abandoning her."
Chaltier heard the quiver in his voice; Leon knew how upset such harsh words forming an even harsher statement would make Rutee. -And that's why we need Stahn to care for her. Between the boy, Dymlos and Atwight I know Rutee will find the strength to continue on behind us.-
"That's all I wish," Leon replied, "All I want is that Rutee can survive and live her life despite whatever happens to me. If Hugo holds Marian hostage, which I wouldn't put below him, I'll have no choice but to follow his lead. Though I may die in battle, acting as if I hate them and the world that has caused me pain, they will be the best chance we have…Marian's best chance as well."
He looked out his cabin window to see the full moon reflecting on the waves. Leon's face acquired a smile mixed with both sad and happy emotions as he thought of the trials awaiting both him and his beloved sister. If she and Marian could get through this alive, no matter what happened to him, Leon knew that he would be able to be happy in the next life.
The boy was unaware that two rooms down, Rutee was also looking at the moon and thinking back on her adventure. She was reflecting on how Stahn had been defending her honor at dinner, helping her after Leon doled out his usual fare. His image filled her mind and her heart, forming an attachment that she knew would be unable to shatter. Chaltier was right; Stahn was going to be the person that Rutee would turn to in order to regain her strength and fly again when the pain of the past would begin to haunt her very soul. And Leon would never have to worry about what would befall his sister once things got tough, because that young man was always going to stand by Rutee's side and support her in her moment of need.
- - - -
Teefa's Last Words...
Well, I was bored, plain and simple. I was also thinking about how time was catching up to me and winter vacation was ending. So I decided to write about Leon's worries as time begins catching up on him and they get closer and closer to Lydon…closer and closer to his betrayal. I'm also obsessed with how in the Drama CD Leon uses the less formal "neesan" to refer to Rutee; other characters who dropped the "o" sound before a familial name were really close to that person, and my sensei confirmed its usage in class. Tells me that he's got more affection for her than he's letting on. So I thought up how he might have worried about her being hurt if she was caught in the trap with him, as well as how learning her past might cause her some emotional harm. I had the whole reflection on Stahn part be Leon trying to think about how she might get through such a situation and realizing that the young man could be her support.