Chapter 1

~~~ All characters belong to Bioware/EA where appropriate. Original characters including Andione Hawke are my own.~~~

"I told you I would break your heart."

"Yes, but you did not say you would break everything else as well!"

The words still echoed in Anders mind as he lay on the cold ground. Almost eight months later and they rang out in horrific clarity. The memory of Hawke standing before him with a look of utmost terror burned into his brain, as Sebastian recited his prayer. She turned to him wide eyed, and mouth agape. It was as if she had seen something unfathomable, yet all she had seen was the monster Anders knew he could be. Perhaps he would think that the templars were somewhat right if not for Justice being woven into his being. Anders let out a quiet huff. No, he would feel the same.

The darkness of night encroached upon Anders and Hawke as they shivered beneath the nights sky. They hadn't found a cave nor an abandoned barn to hide in for a few days. They were forced to abandon their tent during the last templar attack. If it had been summer it would be fine, but winter was just beginning. Hawke should have been in a warm bed, resting with Sodna at her feet. He covered her shoulder with a blanket, knowing how foolish it was for some small part of him thinking it'd protect her from the darkness that consumed their lives. There used to be light before the chantry, before Meredith destroyed the mage underground. Hawke and Anders had a future.

Anders stared into Hawke's back and a sickly feeling arose in his stomach. That was a lie. Life had been growing ever blacker for years. Once Hawke told him he reminded her of her father. He wished he could be like Malcolm Hawke and other mages like him, living in anonymity with a family. He used to think he could, but no longer could he sit back hiding.

Before everything went to the void Anders had been running himself ragged trying to maintain the mage underground, but Meredith had been swift and merciless. If it were not for the grateful refugees on his side he would have been imprisoned long ago. Not to mention Hawke trying to keep templars and guards from darktown. A few less reputable ones had taken coin at first, but Meredith weeded them out too. Maker knows how Hawke was able to dissuade the ones who honestly believed in Meredith. The insane bitch had left him alone enough despite knowing he was an apostate, but if a templar had decided to bring him in. There would have been no escape. Yet she avoided him to appease Hawke, so long as she continued to be under Meredith's thumb.

Hawke had done so much for him over the years. He hoped to pay her back, but with the cold hard ground beneath him it remained a far off dream. He had tarnished her name, reduced her to hiding in forests and caves, and ruined everything she had tried to build. The only gift he had given her was a potential curse and another risk.

Hawke rolled onto her other side facing him. To Anders, Hawke was nothing less than a goddess, but even he could see what the constant paranoia and life on the road had done. Her brown cheeks were gaunt and pale. She no longer wore a peaceful expression when sleeping; her brows furrowed when nightmares did not wake her. She tossed and turned only to pull away from Anders when he tried to calm her down. She should have run her blade through him. Anders swallowed back the bile he felt when he realized part of him was grateful she hadn't. He had wanted to live. Coward. Justice had not been served, and that fact shredded his insides each day. Justice eluded the dead and the living. Justice eluded his beloved.

'Loving her is selfish,' Justice said.

You tell me nothing new.

'You should have turned her away years ago'

I know that better than anyone, so shut up.

'How many mages are dying as you lay here?"

Shall I leave her here alone for templars to find?

'No, but we could do so much more if she was elsewhere. She could have the life we deny her...she could clear her own name. Restore it to its former honor. '

Hawke, the daughter of an apostate, brought glory to her family name. Anders didn't think it was possible for a mage to be so well renowned. If it had not been for the magic in her blood she could have been viscount. Meredith and Orsino suspected she was a mage, but those she helped told no secrets and dead men told no tales. It would have been easy for her to be normal. Anders certainly wouldn't have suspected anything if she came into the clinic like another refugee instead of armored. Andione Hawke chose to love him, to follow him, and even now she stuck by him...or maybe she just felt obligated.

Anders frowned, shutting his eyes. It wouldn't have been so strange if that's all it was. With Hawke in her current state it could only be expected. She was with child, his child, and with her standing by the mages she was a symbol of that which the templars hated. Hawke's life overflowed with dangers because he had to have her.

'I warned you.' Justice voice rang out.

Anders did not respond to Justice. The feelings and thoughts felt different from his own, but with the passing months the differences between him and the spirit blurred. There was a song in his head that was purely Anders, and one loud note that had been his friend. That one note song of justice no longer played in contrast to his own, but alongside it. Sometimes it was hard to hear Hawke's song over it, but it didn't used to be so.

In Kirkwall Anders went to her side each night, and looked at her with peace in his eyes instead of untold pain. She believed her presence acted as a ward against Justice. He let her think that. Her love was a warm bright barrier pulling Anders from the edge of martyrdom, of insanity. He let her think that too. Still when his eyes fell upon her face all other things became distant. Her magic called to him and in the quiet moments everything else faded away. The spirit's hold grew soft at those moments. However, Justice wove deeper into him, and knew the spirit forced him to acknowledge the sickening truth. Anders tired of being alone, and because of that he brought Hawke down with him.

Anders rolled onto his back, suppressing the urge to grab Hawke. If he told her he was sorry once than he'd never stop. It would never be a sorry for the templars. It may not even be a sorry for the innocent lives, but only for her life and the life Hawke carried. Anders insides twisted up in knots. His stomach lurched, and he pulled the blanket up more to try and stave off the cold. It did not work.

"Mother always wanted her children to be happy," Hawke would tell him. "You make me happy Anders. That is why I let you stay." Kirkwall made her happy, and more often than not she could lead the peaceful life she deserved. Yet every day her reputation had grown, and more people needed the Champion's help. Still he never saw her complain or turn anyone down. It was another reason to love her.

In Kirkwall their magic would dance across the room as they made love. It played out in the chorus of Hawke's moans and in every groan he made against her soft neck. She'd reach her peak and cry out his name then launch into a torrent of "I love you"'s. Anders knew more happiness than he could ever remember having on those warm nights. Even Justice, who disapproved, told Anders that love suited him even if it couldn't last.

As he looked to the grimacing face of his lover, and her swollen belly he recounted the last eight months. Their companions had left or been sent away by Hawke one by one. Isabela continued on north with Fenris. Merrill was sent to a dalish clan in tears with Varric to accompany her. Donnic and Aveline had been forced away despite their sense of duty. Alone Anders and Hawke had been in more fights than he cared to recount. The black outs worsened. Every once in a while when he came to Hawke appeared mortified, but she'd never tell him what Justice said. She hadn't told him she loved him. In truth she hadn't said much of anything to him at all unless she needed to. The nights had turned to her flinching away instinctively from his touch.

"Never leave." Those were her words.

That was along ago. Now there was only this.