Hey,
I know what you're thinking. Stop it, okay? You tried your best, I know you did. Don't beat yourself up about it, though. I don't want you to feel bad about all of this.
Okay, I know you will. You're you, I mean. You feel bad about everything with me. And I don't want you to, okay? Just...don't. This was completely beyond your control.
And I know you wanted to save me, but man, I told you it wasn't going to happen. A part of me hoped it wasn't going to end this way, but the truth is, I knew it was going to go like this. The only thing that upsets me is knowing that you're out there on your own now, probably making yourself sick trying to go over EVERYTHING that happened. You're probably thinking of five million different ways you could've shifted things, and I don't want you to.
You're probably pissed too, underneath all the grief. Okay. That I can understand, because if I was in your shoes, hell, I'd be pissed too. But I don't want you to stay that way, you hear me? I want you to move on. You don't need me there; you can do this on your own. I think the whole college venture proved that.
I'm not really helping, am I? I'm sorry, man. I really am. But I need you to know I never blamed you for this. Any of it. I need you to know that, to believe it. Especially now. Promise me that much?
You've got to be going mad right now. I know you, remember? I grew up with you, man. I know how much you're hurting, and for that, I'm sorry. I don't think I can say it enough, but in the end of everything, I'll never be sorry that you're alive. I just can't. That's the only good thing out of this: that it was me that was going to die, and not you.
You'd kick my ass if you could. I know you would. Then you'd raise hell and the hue and cry while you're at it, but you can't undo this one. I know you tried. Man do I know you tried. But I need you to pay attention. This is the important part.
You made me a promise when we were kids. Do you remember that? Some little rest stop in the middle of nowhere, and you promised me with big wide eyes that we'd grow up together and die together one day. Because that's what brothers do. We did grow up together, that much of the promise came true, but I swear if you follow me into death, I'll kick your ass. Don't you dare.
You'll get through. You always have. Just don't do something stupid, please? You're smarter than that. I know you are.
And for the record, I always knew you loved me. I hope you know how much I loved you, too.
Take care, big brother.
Sam