I Know…I have other stories that's in progress and I'm starting another…*slaps myself* It's my first parody so I have no idea how good it will be…it probably won't follow the storyline of Chobits to entirety since my stories take on a life of their own once I start writing…oh well, enjoy!

Consider this a present to you readers from me…

Disclaimers: I do not own Hetalia or Chobits!

Chapter 1

Hello all you unawsome peoples. I'm the awesome Gilbert Beilschimdt. I AM PRUSSIAN. No, not German. PRUSSIAN. Yes, there's a difference. Basically, I'm 20, albino, and dirt poor. Anything else? Let me think, nope, not really. Only that I really want one of those new humanoid computers called persocoms. Why didn't I buy one already? DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING EXPENSIVE THEY ARE? I'M DIRT POOR! So here I am, walking down the street from my job as a bar tender at 12 am, talking to myself like an old geezer.

I sighed. Why, oh WHY? Did Ihave to the one sent from Germany to Tokyo by my cheap ass parents? Why couldn't I be shipped off to Italy as well like my bruder Ludwig? It seems he's living the good life down there near the Mediterranean Sea and had found a blooming lovey-dovey relationship with this cute Italian boy. To put it bluntly, my life sucks and I suck at life; especially at my love life.

I sighed and walked past a dump of trash outside my apartment complex while mumbling to myself,

"I wanna buy a persocom so bad! The awesome me shouldn't need to go through this type of torture! Hell, I would totally steal one if it wasn't so unawsome. But if I'm going to legally buy one, where am I gonna get any money? It's not as if they come free in the trash you know!"

And while griping to myself, I was tripped (I didn't trip –too awesome to-but was tripped!) which resulted in an untimely faceplant.

"What the fu-"the words caught in my throat while I rubbed my forehead and started to get back up.

In the dump.

Wrapped in Bandages.

WAS A DEAD BODY!

I screamed (quite a manly scream) and scurried away from the murder victim as if some type of mutant crab. After calming down, and observing the girl in the trash closely, I let out a sigh of relief. Half covered by her auburn hair were the tell-tale persocom ears. This girl was a persocom, NOT a dead body.

An idea suddenly clicked in my mind. Here laid a persocom. I want a persocom. She's in the dump which means someone didn't want her which means she is free. The awesome I want her but have no money and needs to get one free. I gave myself a literal pat-on-the-back for my epic reasoning skills and attempted to pick her up…only to fall again.

Damn! What were these computers made of!

Setting: Back in my dingy apartment.

Time: About 3 am

Situation: Epically tired from carrying the machine that weighs about 600 tons and now trying to find the reboot button on the my new persocom

Status? Absolutely fucking frustrated.

I flopped back onto my floor with a sigh of exasperation. Frustration was a complete understatement.

"Piyo, Piyo!" my pet chick, Gilbird, nuzzled my nose.

'What do you want?" I snapped.

"Piyo! Piyo!" he pointed a beak towards the persocom lying on my apartment floor.

"I'm sorry! But the start button isn't anywhere! I've been at it for 2 ½ hours now!" My voice dripped sarcasm as I sat up and started counting off on my fingers, "I have searched both ears, all 10 fingers and toes, her neck, her nose, her mouth, her eyes, and belly button, and there is NO WHERE ELSE IT CAN BE!"

Gilbird puffed out his chest and hopped towards her feet.

I groaned and face palmed.

"I said I looked there already!'

"Piyo!" Gilbird angrily chirped and motioned between her legs with a wing."

I froze.

"WHAT! I absolutely refuse to look between there! Even though my room is filled with dirty books and porn (most of it stolen from my bruder…) I am NOT that perverted and neither am I a sexual harasser!"

If a bird could've face-palmed, Gilbird defiantly did.

"Nuh uh uh! No, no, NO! I will not look there much less touch! You do it if you wanna but you can't make me!" I stuck out a tongue to emphasize my point.

Gilbird shook his feathery head and hopped towards the XXX spot.

Seeing that the featherbrain was actually serious, I began to panic…awesomely. I scrambled up, trying to grab the yellow fuzz-ball before he did anything too inappropriate. In my mad scurry, I accidently (KEY WORD: ACCIDENTLY) brushed, barely brushed, her…unspeakable.

For the second time of the night, I scrambled backwards like a total retard/mutant crab only this time with my face bright read like a tomato.

I ducked underneath the coffee table while chanting "no" like some type of mantra.

First thing I do after obtaining a persocom is rape her. JUST. FUCKING. AWSOME.

What happens next is even awsomer (note the sarcasm). Putting it bluntly here, my room blew up.

WHOOSH! FLASH OF BRIGHT LIGHT!

When the smoke cleared, I notice two extremely troubling and awesome things.

#1: My room was a total war zone with half of my stuff charred to nucleic bits.

#2: The persocom had activated and the bandages had fallen off, revealing everything- EVERYTHING-underneath.

Number two troubled me the most.

AN: So here you have it! The first chapter of Hetabits! Any guesses on who the persocom is? Also, most of the other characters have not been decided yet so if there is a certain pairing or character you wish to appear, LET ME KNOW and I'll take it into consideration!

See ya!

Reviews maybe? For spreading good cheer?