Everyone knew Jake Peralta wore long sleeves. He'd been doing it for so long no one questioned it anymore, even when he did so in the hottest days of summer. They all assumed it was just a Jake thing, like the way he avoided deep conversations and used sarcasm to mask how he really felt. Jake put up walls to protect himself, and it made sense to everyone that his long sleeves were just another wall.
Jake came in to work two days after Amy had told him that she wasn't going to date cops anymore. It was actually four days, since there had been the weekend, but he had also missed Monday. He came into work, late as usual, in his jeans, long sleeved button up, and jacket. He also wore his signature grin, both genuine and guarding. There was nothing unusual about his entrance, except for the fact that he had taken an unplanned vacation day for the first time in years.
"Where you been?" called Rosa from her desk. Everyone turned to look.
"Oh, you know, I went on a date with a super hot model, had lots of sex, and got a wicked hangover" Jake replied. Everyone accepted this, if only because they saw his smile waver and realized that whatever happened to him was not something to talk about in front of a crowd, which meant it wasn't something he would want to talk about. Everyone went back to work.
"Jake, you'll join the case Santiago and I are working. Meet us in the briefing room in five minutes" said Terry.
"Okay Sarge" Jake said.
Five minutes later, Jake was sitting with Amy listening to Terry talking about the case. Apparently their perp worked at a gym, they were going to go stake it out, and see if they could find any evidence. Amy kept sending questioning looks in Jake's direction, which he pointedly ignored. "It's unlike him" she thought "I wonder what happened. I hope it's not about what I said. I hope he's okay"
Terry drove the trio, and parked them across from the gym. "Time to get into character. We'll go as a group of friends, and I'll be the one who is trying to get you two to be more fit. We'll ask for a tour of the gym" he said.
"No one told me that we were going undercover" said Jake "I'm not prepared".
"I decided now since there is a limited view of the gym from out here. Don't worry about clothes, I brought you a tank top and gym shorts" said Terry.
"Alright. Alright, alright, alright, alright. Cool, cool, cool. Noice" said Jake, visibly nervous.
"Jake, what's wrong?" said Amy cautiously. She could see him trembling a little bit. "Does this have anything to do with why you were missing?"
"Okay fine, I'll tell you guys. Just don't interrupt me. You can ask questions at the end but if you stop me I don't know if I'll be able to finish. Okay?" He was shaking. Amy and Terry nodded their heads. "I don't know if you know this but I was a little messed up after my father left. I blamed myself for what he did, and I just sort of spiraled to the point where I just thought I was horrible and worthless and didn't deserve to exist, and I would hurt myself just so that I could feel something other than the endless emotional pain. I did some pretty stupid things, but nothing bad enough to leave a mark, so that my mom wouldn't find out. Last Friday I had an exchange with Amy that left me a bit disappointed, but then my dad cancelled plans on me that we'd had for a long time, and a bunch of little stuff happened, and eventually I spiraled and did something stupid. It's not too bad, but it would be visible in the outfit Terry has"
Amy and Terry looked at Jake. "I'm so sorry Jake" Amy said after a while.
"It's not your fault, you couldn't have known" said Jake.
"Are you still willing to come with us into the gym" said Terry "I know this must be difficult for you, so you don't have to if you don't want to".
"I'll do it" said Jake, turning around to change.
A few minutes later, Amy and Terry waited outside for Jake to finish changing. More accurately, for Jake to gather the courage to leave the car. When he finally left the car, the two couldn't help but stare at the multitude of scars covering Jake's thighs, or the long vertical scar down each of his forearms. All the scars were obviously pretty new.
"Jake, I thought you said that it wasn't that bad. I knew you didn't want us to worry, but I didn't expect this" said Terry, still staring.
"Jake, did you, did, did you try to kill yourself?" asked Amy. She wasn't even looking at him anymore. She was looking down at a flower growing in a crack in the sidewalk. "If you needed help, if you felt this bad you could have let us know. Does anyone else know?"
"Holt, I told the captain when I asked for a vacation. He told me to take the week off but I couldn't be by myself for that long. I can't stand myself right now and I'm afraid that I'd-"
"Get changed Peralta. You are going home to rest after we get back to the precinct. I'll talk to Holt about having someone with you at all times so you're not alone" said Terry.
"Thank you" said Jake, barely audible, tears running down his face.
Amy hugged him, her eyes full of tears. "It'll be okay Jake. You're not alone. We'll help you get through this. Everything will be alright"