This is just a little quirky story that popped up out of nowhere. Three men stuck in the jungle, and some beer ...
"So, what where you saying?" asked Steve over his shoulder, his hands busily untangling the ropes of the tent.
"I said we're screwed," mumbled Lou, sitting on a log. He swatted his head, looked at his hand afterwards. "Damn skeeters."
Steve uttered a short laugh. "No, we're not, Lou. We're in a bit of a predicament, but we're not screwed."
"I actually tend to veer towards Lou's description of the situation." Danny emerged from the bushes; he hissed between his teeth as a small branch snapped back into his face. "Is there anything on this fruit-loop island that isn't out to get me?!" He stepped out into the small clearing.
"Hey Danny, did you cover up ..."
Danny threw up his hands. "Yes, Mister Know-It-All. I covered it up. And thank you for wanting to discuss something as intimate as a man's personal needs. Next you'll be asking me what color it was."
Steve lifted a eyebrow. "Well, actually, the color is always a good indication of ..."
Danny held up a hand. "No! Absolutely, no! You will NOT go there!" He sat down next to Lou, wiping his hands on his pants, then staring at the smudges.
Steve continued to turn the heap of cloth and lines into something resembling a tent, something that would actually offer them some form of protection from the encroaching night and the biting, stinging and snapping critters that seemed to follow the line of dusk moving over the forest.
"So how did you find us?" asked Lou, trying his best to sound several beats above the level of desperation he was feeling.
"Simple, I tracked Danny's cell phone."
Lou looked at Steve, then at Danny. "Danny's cell phone? Hold on a sec!" Lou threw Danny a hateful look. "You said 'let's see if we can be like Grace, let's see if we can do what the Girl Scouts do, let's go camping and leave all modern devices at home'. That's what you said, but you brought a phone?!"
Danny shrugged. "Well, had I gone with Super SEAL here" he nodded in Steve's direction, "I would've left it at home. I mean, he can use smoke signals to communicate." He looked at Steve. "You do know how to communicate without cell phones, don't you?"
Steve nodded. "Just not now. It's becoming too dark." Steve's own phone had given up the ghost as he had scrambled to grab a hold of Danny before he disappeared over a ledge. They had gotten themselves into a fine mess.
Lou kept staring at Danny. "But you have a phone, right?" Danny mumbled something. "Say what?" Danny scraped his throat. "Battery's dead."
Lou uttered a groan, running his big hand over his head. "I should've never listened to you, Jersey Boy! It was a dumb idea, and I was even dumber to go with it!" He scooted several inches away from Danny, settling at the very end of the log.
Danny said nothing, staring at Steve who was putting up the tent with deft, purposeful moves. Just a few minutes later the shelter stood in the little clearing.
"There. Now all we need is fire. Danny, do you have anything that would help us out?"
Danny held up a hand, then rummaged through his pocket. Frowning, he put his hand in his other pocket, looked first at Steve, then at Lou. "I, ehm, I had some matches but I think they must've fallen from my pocket when we slid down that hill." He had the grace to look embarrassed.
Throwing up his hands, Lou got up and started pacing the little clearing. "Can anything else go wrong, I wonder?!" Just then, a drop of rain hit his head. "Oh great."
Steve grinned. "Looks like a case of Life telling you 'challenge accepted'. Don't worry, I'll have a fire going in a minute. You guys go look for wood before everything gets soaking wet."
Danny and Lou each went their separate ways, looking for dry branches and small twigs that would help start a fire. Steve meanwhile collected a pile of small rocks, then dug a trench around the tent by dragging a thick branch through the soil around it, completing several rounds until he had a gully of several inches deep. He looked up as he heard the two men come back.
"Why did you do that?" asked Danny.
"Well, hello, even I know that. It's to keep water out of the tent, right?"
Steve nodded, and Lou threw Danny a triumphant look. "You city boys really don't know jack shit, do you?"
Danny dumped the armload of branches and twigs on the ground, not saying a word. He morosely sat back down on the log, watching Steve build a small pyramid of twigs, then surround that by semi-large branches, leaving an opening at the side facing the tent. He then placed the rocks in a circle around the construction.
Next, Steve pulled off the bark from some larger branches, used his knife to shave off some curls of dry wood, placed those inside the pyramid and then took out a small piece of metal. He used his knife again to shave some curls off the metal as well, and placed them on top of the wood.
"Wait, Steve; metal?" asked Danny, looking on in bewilderment. "You honestly are going to start a fire with metal?!"
Steve nodded. "It's magnesium; it's flammable, but more importantly: it's gives off heat. All I need to do now is generate some sparks." He took his knife again, clipped its sheath off his belt and then struck the knife against a piece of iron incorporated within it.
"Huh, you really do come prepared for all situations, don't you?" said Lou.
Steve didn't answer, intent on creating sufficient sparks to start the fire. He struck his knife one more time against the iron, then quickly dipped down and carefully started blowing on the shavings. Within seconds, flames started licking around the branches, and Steve readjusted the pile to allow for maximum draft while keeping the fire going. He carefully started feeding some of the larger branches into the flames, and within minutes the fire was going at a good pace.
"Good, that's that" he said. "Now, please tell me one of you brought something edible on this ill-fated trip?" He looked from Lou to Danny.
"You did, right?" Lou asked Danny.
Danny looked at him in bewilderment. "Me bring the ...? I brought the tent, and the sleeping bags. Why would I bring the food?!"
Steve shook his head. "OK, so no food."
Lou rummaged through his backpack. "Well, I did bring something, just ..." He pulled out two jars, filled with something white and red.
"Would you care to enlighten us on what exactly that is? Because that" Danny said, and stared at the glass jars with a look of utter disgust, "looks like something that came out of an animal's head right after it got shot."
Steve picked up one of the jars, then uttered a content sound. "Hm, good stuff."
Danny threw up his hands. "Brains, I knew it. Let me guess; full of protein and other assorted goodies to make a real man out of you!"
Steve rolled his eyes.
"It's a Korean dish called kimchi, Danny, and it's fermented cabbage" explained Lou.
"Fermented... I see. Not boiled, cooked, or otherwise exposed to heat. No, fermented. You know, if it wasn't for Grace, I'd really head back to Jersey by now. Sun, beach and girlfriend be damned." Danny shoved his hands in his pockets, biting his lower lip as he hung his head.
"Friends be damned as well, Danno?" Steve asked him in an unusually soft voice.
His partner quickly looked up. "What? No! I mean ..." He stared into Steve's hazel eyes, almost mesmerized by the way they seemed to continuously change color in the flickering flames.
"All right, look; if you love birds want some time alone, just tell me, and I'll make myself scarce!" Lou got up from the log he'd sat down on again while rummaging through his backpack.
Steve frowned. "No! No man, come on!" He looked at Lou as if he had suddenly grown two heads. "Nothing like that! I was just wondering how Danny could so easily leave his friends behind. I guess I just got a little, you know ... emotional."
Danny's head shot forward from between his shoulders, the raised eyebrows almost disappearing within the tumble of hair. "Excuse me? Lou, correct me if I'm wrong, but did that man" and he pointed at Steve, "just very clearly use the E-word?!"
Lou grinned, both at Danny's amazement and Steve's exasperation. It was always the same between those two; bickering, making up, some more verbal harassment, etc.
"Anyways" said Lou, and he scraped his throat, "besides the fermented brain" - he chuckled at Danny's horrified intake of breath - "I also happen to have these." He unearthed eight small cans of Longboard lager from the bottom of the backpack.
"Well, seems like you really came prepared for some survival hiking by the looks of it" Steve commented dryly. "The middle-aged male version of marshmallows, I guess."
As Danny scraped his throat, he turned around. The blond detective had his arm stuck inside his own backpack.
"Actually, Lou and I seem to have shared at least one common idea" Danny said, and he pulled out four more cans of Longboard. "Ah shit!" he exclaimed, as one of the cans leaked a steady stream of beer over his backpack. "Almost empty" he mumbled as he quickly put the can to his mouth. Sucking the last drops from the can, his other hand disappeared inside his backpack again.
"As I do not consider myself to be middle-aged, and as I do happen to have a daughter, I also have this" he said while putting down the empty can, and pulled out a bag of badly squished, flattened marshmallows.
Steve sighed, shaking his head. "If I hadn't decided to come check on you, they would've found your decomposing bodies weeks from now."
Danny gave him a silly grin; Lou scraped his throat in embarrassment, then opened one of the jars. He inhaled the pungent aroma, smiled, then offered the jar to Steve. "Want some?"
"Don't mind if I do. This stuff is actually really healthy." Steve dipped his fingers into the jar, pulled out some of the cabbage and propped it into his mouth. "Mm, nice!"
He passed the jar to Danny, who took a whiff and then drew back in disgust. "Sheesh! Really? You guys expect me to eat this?!"
"Come on, Danny, don't be a wuss! You gotta try things at least once to know if you like it or not." Steve smirked. "Like pineapple on pizzas."
Danny threw him a hateful look, dipped his fingers into the jar and took out a small piece of kimchi.
"Go on, try it" Lou egged him on while opening a can of Longboard and offering one to Steve. Both men took a sip of their beers while watching Danny put the cabbage in his mouth.
"Eww ..nnnggg ... YUCK!" Danny spat out the piece of cabbage. "Ooohhh ... hot hot HOT!"
Steve doubled over, laughing hard, while Lou just slid off the log, gasping for air.
Danny jumped towards Lou and grabbed his beer, then poured the contents down his throat in one gulp, tears streaming down his face.
As Steve and Lou proceeded to laugh themselves into a stupor, Danny grabbed another beer, opened it and downed half the contents of that as well. "You guys are crazy; this stuff ..." He gulped, took another sip of beer. "This stuff is deadly!"
Lou slowly sat back up again, wiping the tears from his face. He grabbed another can of beer, watching Danny as he sat down by the fire, hacking and coughing while taking sips in between.
"So, Danny ..." said Steve; "I guess kimchi is right up there with pineapple on the Things Detective Williams Doesn't Like list, huh?" As soon as he'd said it, both he and Lou burst out in another fit of laughter.
"I fucking hate you guys!" Danny mumbled softly.
Lou took a breath of air, then said: "Shit, I think we made the list as well, Steve." Both men started howling again, spitting out beer. Danny just sighed.
Despite the continuing light drizzle, they remained sitting by the fire, having another beer. Danny offered the bag of marshmallows to Steve and Lou, but both men refused. "No thanks, Danno, you have them" said Steve, watching his partner clumsily ripping open the bag, spilling its contents. The beers were obviously starting to affect his partner.
"Yeah Jersey, we're sticking to brain matter" quipped Lou, and both he and Steve sniggered. They calmly continued to dip into the second jar of kimchi Lou had opened.
Danny sighed, then hiccuped. "N'er gets old, huh?" he mumbled, managing to skewer three marshmallows on a stick and then setting fire to them, burning them beyond recognition. He studied them intensely, then threw them stick and all into the fire.
"Want some help with that, Danny?" asked Steve, as he grabbed another beer for himself and gave one to Lou. "Nope, I ehm, I can do this" said Danny as he grabbed another stick. As he impaled some more marshmallows, the tip of the stick ended up in the soft flesh of his thumb.
"Goodie, death by polnesian bugs" he said almost incoherently, watching a trickle of blood run down his hand. He placed the stick in the fire.
"You should pee on it" said Lou. "Urine is sterile." Steve held up a hand. "Actually, that's an urban myth." He scooted over to Danny and inspected the small wound in his thumb. "Best thing to do is just let it bleed, that way it will clean itself. Just make sure you don't get any dirt in it."
Danny continued to stare forlornly at his thumb, then uttered an expletive as his next batch of marshmallows was consumed by the fire again. "Ig'v up." He tried getting up, stumbled and would've fallen into the fire if Steve hadn't leapt forward and grabbed him.
"Sheesh, McGarrett, even alcohol doesn't manage to subdue those SEAL instincts, huh?" said Lou in admiration. He watched Steve put his shoulder underneath Danny's arm, hoisting him up.
"Come on, Danno; let's get you into bed."
Danny mumbled something again. "What's that?" asked Steve, as he guided him to the entrance of the tent. "Sleepbags, y'now, twof'em."
"I took care of it, Danny, unzipped them and spread them out. Now, sit down for a sec" Steve said as he positioned Danny so he sat down just inside the tent. He took off his shoes, then helped him take off his jacket. "Want some help with the rest of your stuff?"
Danny shook his head. "No, grape me." "Excuse me?" Danny scooted further into the tent, flopping face down onto the sleeping bags, and Steve strained to hear his voice. "Grape, ehm ... nuf'n." The next moment he heard snoring.
Lou and Steve took their time nursing their last beers, watching the fire slowly die down.
"What time do you think it is now?" Lou asked Steve. "Ten 'till two." Lou's beer stopped just before his mouth. "McGarrett, you really never cease to amaze me. Down to the minutes, huh?" Steve grinned, then showed Lou the watch on his wrist.
Half an hour later, after Steve had made sure no errant sparks from the fire could cause any havoc, they went to the tent.
"You first, big guy" said Steve, as he unzipped the entrance. "I'll be fine with whatever space is left." He watched Lou sit down somewhat unsteadily, then take off his shoes. Lou crawled into the tent on his hands and knees.
"Hey Steve?" his voice came from inside. "What?" Lou coughed. "I think we may have to move a dead body here if we want some room."
Smiling, Steve took off his boots, unholstered his weapon, made sure the safety was on and then depressed the lock-button of the Surefire X300 attached to the accessory rail of his P226 Navy. He replaced the weapon in his holster and then turned around, switching on the Surefire. The inside of the tent was lit up as if a bomb had gone off.
"Holy shit! You'd never have to shoot anybody with that thing pointed at them; they'd be incapacitated just by being blinded!" exclaimed Lou. "How much output does that thing have?"
Steve grinned as he briefly shone the light in Lou's face. "I believe it's five hundred Lumen." He turned the light towards Danny's sleeping form, hearing Lou breath a sigh of relief as the bright beam moved away from him.
Danny was sprawled out like an octopus on top of the zipped open sleeping bags, arms and legs in every direction. He was snoring heavily.
"OK, let's see how we're going to do this" said Steve. "Lou, why don't you tuck his left arm and leg in towards his body."
Lou pushed Danny's arm and leg in; as he did, Danny let out a loud snore, then mumbled something. "Yeah, I love you too, Jersey" said Lou.
"Now roll the top sleeping bag all the way up towards him. That way we can flip him over and off the sleeping bag" said Steve, as he helped Lou roll up the sleeping bag. "And now" Steve said, then groaned as he used one arm to lift Danny's upper body, "we flip him over. You grab his arm, I'll get his leg".
Together they lifted, then rolled Danny's limp body over the bunched up sleeping bag. He flopped over on his back, totally unaware of what was happening to him.
"Man, he's totally out of it!" Lou looked at Danny's slack features.
"Well, no food and a couple of beers, on top of possibly being somewhat dehydrated after the hours you guys spent wandering around getting lost ..."
Lou gave Steve a sheepish look. "Yeah, guess we didn't do as well as the Girl Scouts, huh?"
Steve grinned. "I'm pretty sure Grace will have a field-day if she hears about this."
Lou looked at him. "And I take it she will be informed first hand by you, right?"
Steve nodded, looking almost happy. "Yup."
They now had Danny positioned almost in the middle of the tent, and Steve threw the top sleeping bag over his body towards Lou, unclipped his weapon from his holster, placed it against the side of the tent and lay down next to Danny on his other side. It was cramped.
"Man, this sleeping bag isn't nearly big enough to cover all three of us!" Lou tugged on a corner, trying to cover more of his body.
"Well, if we all lay on our sides ..."
Lou looked at Steve. "McGarrett, are you honestly suggesting we should spoon?!"
Steve lifted his head, shone the light towards Lou. "Hey!" "Sorry, and yeah, if you want to stay warm tonight, that's exactly what I suggest."
Lou stared at him. "Well, as long as you know I'm not shoving my butt in a guy's crotch!"
Steve grinned. "Fine, you shove your crotch towards Danny's butt then."
Lou gaped at Steve, who was sniggering while he pulled Danny's upper body towards him, then turned over on his right side and pulled the cover over him.
Lou groaned. "Oh man, no matter how we do this, I'm still screwed!"
Steve laughed out loud. "Pretty unfortunate choice of words, don't you think?"
Lou was silent for a second, then started laughing. "Fuck you, McGarrett!"
Steve turned off the light. "We'll have to move Danny if that's your plan, Lou."
He heard something akin to a giggle, then a completely different sound.
"Oh shit" said Steve, as he remembered what he and Lou had been snacking on all night.
Lou giggled for real as he replied: "Nope. Brain fart."
And the two men howled with laughter.
Hope you enjoyed reading this. No literary master piece, just a brain fart ;-)