A/N I do not own Harry Potter, nor will I ever. I hope you all get my AVPM references, if you do not, that will be upsetting. Read and enjoy, also review, that would be very nice.
The characters in it are purposely OOC to make it funnier, otherwise this story would not be as humorous, so stick with me, they still are like themselves but different. Don't get mad at me for it.
Thank you
Miss. Caroline Potter
Bothering Snape and Bad Habits
By Miss. Caroline Potter
Harry groaned and mopped around the Gryffindor common room. He had planned a fantastic Quidditch practice for his team this evening, but sadly, Snape gave the Slytherins permission to use the pitch instead. Also, Malfoy, his arch-nemesis next to Voldemort, had walked up to him earlier, and had sent an unexpected farting spell at his face. The smell would not go away, no matter how hard Hermione tried to get rid of it for him.
Ron sat on a comfy red chair, which matched his ginger hair, near the burning hot fireplace. He wore a dumb look on his face while studying Harry, and contemplating what he should do next. Hermione sat in the corner at a desk working on a Potions essay on Amortentia, which was not due until the next month. She had already written twenty-five feet of work, when the requirement was only two feet.
Harry looked up at Hermione and said pleadingly, "Hermione can you do my History of Magic essay on the Goblin Wars?"
"No problem Harry," Hermione said. Harry grinned and walked over to Hermione and said, "That's a girl." He slapped her cheek playfully and gave her a full on kiss on the lips. Ron's face and ears blared red and tears started to stream down his freckled cheeks.
"Harry!" He shouted through his tears, "You can't do this! I called dips on her! We are supposed to be madly in love next year and in the future we were going to have one boy and one girl named Rose and Hugo!"
"You what! What?" Hermione shrieked, for she was both confused and ticked off. Ron looked down glumly and continued to cry, while Harry proudly wore a smirk on his face.
"You know what! I am not doing any of your homework for the rest of the week, both of you! Harry, you are going to have to deal with Malfoy's farting curse by yourself!" She shouted at the two boys who were helpless without her. Harry and Ron's faces looked at her with shock and dismay. They ran to her and began kissing the top of her shoes, pleading with her to do their homework. She stood there and crossed her arms, shaking her head no.
Then Harry realizing a fact, stood up and said with a smirk, "Hermione, you have to admit, that was the best snog of your life. Even better than Viktor Krum."
Hermione blushed and stared at her feet uncomfortably.
"Winning," Harry said victoriously.
"How about we do something else," Ron suggested, trying to change the subject from one where Harry was stealing the woman of his dreams. His tears cleared up, and he was no longer crying. He headed to the couch where Harry and Hermione followed plopping down on either side of him, while they were both thinking of ideas.
"We could do our homework and study a lot," Hermione announced with a bright gleam in her bright brown eyes and a huge grin.
"Shut up Hermione, only you would want to ever do that crap," Ron said cruelly, since he was still angry about Harry kissing Hermione. Hermione looked down in shame.
"Gobstones?" She persisted looking up once more.
"Shut up!"
"Um, we could play chess."
"Shut up! We never played that again after the first book. Too many bad memories. I almost died! God Hermione!"
Harry had remained silent this whole time, for he was deep in thought. He looked up, stood up, and with a mischievous gleam on his face and a huge smile playing with his features, said, "Let's go bother Snape."
Hermione's eyes widened, and Ron's mouth gaped open.
"But Harry-," Hermione started to say.
"Shut up Herman!" Ron shouted meanly.
"Harry, it's such a bad habit. You don't want to start again. It took us forever last year to get you to stop," Hermione protested.
Harry let out a huge sigh, "Do you want to be my girlfriend, Hermione, or what?"
"Yes but-."
"Then we bother Snape," Harry demanded.
"Oh fine," Hermione said accepting defeat. She wanted more than anything to snog Harry again.
Ron looked at Harry with pure envy, the Boy-Who-Lived, he thought, should be called, the-Boy-Who-Gets-Anything-Ron-Wants.
"Come children, let us go bother Snape," Harry commanded his friends.
"Harry, do you have any ideas?" Ron asked curiously.
"Yes, as a matter of fact I do," He said as a smirk filled his face.
Professor Snape sat in his office daydreaming about his make believe life with Lily Evans, the muggle-born girl of his dreams. He was skipping in a meadow running to her, and just as they were about to snog, he was reminded of the Potions essays he had received yesterday from those insolent children. He then wondered why he assigned essays if he was going to have to grade them. He sighed, took them out and began sifting through them. He skimmed through them, only checking that his students had the correct facts and dates. Writing a D on Ron's essay gave him great pleasure, for there were only two sentences on the scroll. He came across Hermione Granger's twenty foot long essay; he sighed and immediately wrote an O on the paper. There was no way he was going to read all of that.
Harry's essay came next in the pile; it was obviously Granger's work. The same handwriting on her essay was on this one, and so. he wrote a T on the top. He laughed mischievously and shouted to the ceiling.
"You see that Potter, I gave your son a T, which stands for troll! That's what you get for marrying Lily!"
He cackled loudly and annoyingly. Then, Albus Dumbledore appeared at the door and looked at Snape in shock at Snape's rage. He had obviously heard Snape's rant, and felt uncomfortable about the whole thing.
"You have some issues to work out, I see. Well, I will be going now; I have coincidentally forgotten what I wanted to tell you Severus. Till I see you again," Dumbledore said and quickly snuck out of the Potion's Master's Office. He walked through the dungeon's corridors and saw the Golden Trio heading in his direction. They saw him and immediately put their arms behind their backs. Guilty looks formed on their faces, of which Dumbledore did not even care to notice.
"Harry Potter!" He exclaimed happily, "My favorite student of all time, come here!" He came to Harry and opened his arms for a big and loving bear hug. Hermione and Ron snickered on the side.
"Professor Dumbledore! You see I cannot hug you now for my arms are arm-locked behind my back. Rather unfortunate and Hermione promised to unlock them for me, so we better be going back to the common room," Harry said quickly taking a few steps away from Dumbledore.
"You have nothing to fear, Albus Percival Brian Wulfric Dumbledore's here. I can un-jinx you right now Harry, for you are my favorite student of all time," Dumbledore said proudly as he took out his wand and pushed back his sleeves ready and prepared to say the counter-jinx.
"Hermione promised!" Harry whined, "You can't break a promise, it's a magical bond."
"Magical," Hermione and Ron said in Luna Lovegood dreamlike voices, in order to add to the emphasis of what Harry had just said.
"I suppose," Dumbledore said sighing, "You can't break a magical bond. Good luck Granger. See yah Harry."
Dumbledore strutted away with more swag than anyone could beat, and Harry, Hermione, and Ron stared after Dumbledore in awe of this fashionable walk.
"Great excuse Harry," Hermione praised looking at him with a grin, obviously waiting for a victory snog.
"Harry," Ron moaned. "I'm hungry."
"Then get some food," Harry said, obviously annoyed with Ron's utter stupidity.
"Well, duh," Ron said, "Accio Double stuff."
A package of unopened Double Stuff Oreo cookies came flying their way and it landed in Ron's sweaty hands, he opened the package and began snacking down on the delicious and non-nutritious cookies.
"Well, well, well, look who we have here," a new voice drawled announcing itself from behind the trio. They turned around and there was Draco Malfoy sopping wet in his Quidditch uniform. He was apparently heading back to the Slytherin's common room after his Quidditch practice. That was the practice Harry wanted to practice in before with his own team. Ron did not notice Malfoy's appearance in the scene, and instead continued eating his Oreo cookies.
"Oh looked it rained! Karma sucks doesn't it Malfoy. So shove off, we don't want you here." Harry said nastily.
"Where are you off to? Are you going to go bother Professor Snape again? If you are, and if with just one slip of the mouth to my father, I could get the message to Snape. I could also fire another farting curse at your face with double the smell than my original farting curse," Draco Malfoy threatened. Harry's beautiful green eyes grew ablaze in fear that he would now have to endure double the smell of a farting curse.
"You wouldn't dare!" Hermione suddenly shrieked taking her wand out and pointing it at Malfoy, "You will not tell on my boyfriend to your father and you will not fire another farting curse at him!"
"B-b-b-boyfriend!" Both Draco and Ron stuttered. Ron kept eating his cookies, but this newfound discovery gained his immediate attention. Not even food could stop the shock and jealousy he was now feeling. Harry plastered a smirk on his gorgeous face that was sucking up the victory of getting a new girlfriend, who coincidentally was who both Draco and Ron wanted for a girlfriend and future wife.
"You cannot be his girlfriend!" Draco shouted while Ron stared dumbfounded while still eating his cookies.
"Well, why not!" Hermione demanded with venom in her eyes.
"Because I love you! That's why I have always called you a mudblood, don't you see, we are meant to be!" Draco shouted pleadingly.
"Shove off my girlfriend Malfoy. Jelly-legs jinx!" Harry said carelessly with a flick of his wand that he recently took out. Malfoy's legs went out of control, and he spun everywhere until he fell flat on the floor of the cold and wet dungeon, with his legs still moving about sporadically.
"Now see me snog Hermione," Harry said devilishly as he grabbed Hermione and started snogging with her. Hermione obviously enjoyed it as she sank deeper into their snogging session. Malfoy screamed in terror as though he was placed under the cruciatus curse at the hands of Voldemort because of this sight. Harry broke the snogging off and dragged a dreamy looking Hermione with him while Ron scurried behind them. Malfoy still lay screaming on the floor.
"Stupid selfish prat, that stupid Malfoy," Harry muttered under his breath along with a few more insults that no author should ever type or mention.
"I'm going to tell my father about this!" Malfoy called out from behind them when he regained part of his composure.
"Draaaacooo," Hermione drawled seducingly as she turned around to face him, "That's such a bad habit."
"Good one Hermione," Harry praised her and kissed her on the cheek.
"Do I get another snog?" She asked with joy as she ruffled her hand through Harry's messy jet-black hair, which she intensely preferred over Ron's ginger hair.
"We shall see, we shall see," Harry said with unnecessary repetition. Hermione sighed and began skipping merrily along the dungeon floor with her unruly bushy hair flopping behind her.
"Come on guys, we have to go bother Snape!" Harry demanded, and Hermione and Ron fervently nodded their agreement. The Golden Trio kept walking towards Snape's office. They all had their supplies ready behind them. Harry had planned five waves of annoyances. He desperately hoped he would be able to do all of them before Snape caught on and left the office.
Harry slyly approached the door to Snape's office. He sat down in front of the door, and Hermione and Ron did the same. He waved for Ron to hand him the first wave of his annoyances.
Ron passed the explosives forward and Harry slid all of them under the door. Explosions were heard inside the classroom and a girlish scream was also heard, which only added to Harry, Ron and Hermione's snickers. The explosions would not stop, and Snape was screaming like a baby inside.
"Hurry, the Puking Pastilles," Harry said.
"I'm out of cookies," Ron complained showing Harry his empty package.
"Get some more," Harry said looking blandly at his best friend.
"Accio Double Stuff," Ron said and a brand new package of Oreos came soaring his way, "Oh look Harry, these have Halloween themed prints on them! Look there's a bat, a witch, and a pumpkin!" He sifted through the cookies taking out each one and showing them to Harry for his approval.
"Cool story bro, tell it again," Harry said sarcastically with a roll of his eyes.
"Oh, alright, um, what did I say, oh yeah. Oh look Harry, these have Halloween themed prints on them! Look there's a bat, a witch, and a pumpkin!" Ron said enthusiastically.
"He was being sarcastic!" Hermione yelled quietly as to not gain Snape's attention. She was obviously annoyed that Ron brought food, food that he would never share. It was such a bad habit, Ron constantly eating sweets, and not sharing a bit of food with her or Harry.
"Give me the Puking Pastilles," Harry commanded monotonously.
"Oh yeah, those," Ron said and passed them to Harry while a huge mouthful of cookies were in his mouth.
"We got to love Fred and George," Harry commented as he slid the package under the door leading to Snape's office which was still ablaze with explosions of all sorts.
"Yummy, candies," was heard inside the office. Loud and annoying munching and slobbery noises were then heard.
Gagging noises were then also heard inside the room.
Harry, Hermione and Ron laughed so hard, but soon the vomiting stopped. Snape must have eaten the purple side of the Puking Pastilles, which was remarkable if you think about the repeated puking. Footsteps were heard heading to the door, there was no time for the threesome to hide. The door creaked open and Snape was revealed staring down at them with a constipated look on his demented face.
"What the devil is going on heeeeeere?" He demanded out of the Golden Trio.
"I am bothering you, bother, bother, bother," Harry said truthfully as he stood up and began poking Snape in the arm.
"I am going to Professor Dumbledore about this, you have bothered me too many times before, it is a bad habit of yours isn't it Potter?"
"Yes it is, I admit it, take me to rehab," Harry paused dramatically and then grinned devilishly, "Who are you kidding Snape! I'm the Boy-Who-Lived. Goddammit, I am the Chosen One. Most importantly, Dumbledore's my main man!" Harry said too confidently.
"We shall see. I will succeed in getting you sent to St. Mungo's in the Rehab Ward for Bad Habits. Also fifty points from Gryffindor for your annoyances," Snape said as he began to run to the Headmaster's office. Harry, Hermione and Ron followed in pursuit of this crazy man.
Snape cackled joyously on his way to Dumbledore's office. Finally, he would be getting Harry, James Potter's son, locked up in St. Mungo's. He had to reach the seventh floor corridor and make it to the gargoyle before those insolent Gryffindors. He ran up the stairs from the dungeons passing right by a screaming Malfoy lying on the floor, whose legs were apparently insanely spastic.
"Mr. Malfoy, ten points from Gryffindor for being a sissy!" Snape cackled as he passed by the spastic boy.
Then he headed towards Grand Staircase after he exited the dungeons with many students staring after him. By the time he reached the sixth floor, he was panting, and was close to collapsing. Harry, Ron and Hermione were not far behind him. That Weasley boy was slowing them down since he kept complaining about a shortage of food every few minutes, and every few minutes he would get a new package of Oreos. Snape sucked in a breath and continued onward in his mission. He fell to his hands and knees, he was so exhausted.
He saw the seventh floor landing just a few feet away, he crawled up the stairs, but Harry, Hermione and Ron passed right by him on their own way to the gargoyle. Snape sighed, but still persisted to reach the gargoyle. He saw Harry, Hermione and Ron standing embarrassed right in front of the gargoyle statue. He got himself back on his feet and slowly walked towards them.
"Well, it seems you three do not know the password to get inside," He said in a victorious tone, "And I do. Hehehehehe."
He approached the gargoyle and whispered the password, which was lemon drops. The gargoyle turned and revealed a set of stairs which Snape began to ascend in a bat-like manner with his black cloak billowing out behind him.
"Oh come on, it was that easy! We all know that Dumbledore is obsessed with lemon drops, the delicious muggle candy," Harry complained as he, Hermione and Ron began to follow Snape up the stairs leading to Dumbledore's office.
"Hello Headmaster," Snape greeted as he opened the door revealing the Headmaster Albus Dumbledore's office. Inside Dumbledore sat at his desk with Fawkes the Phoenix comfortably perched on top of his head.
"Severus, how great it is to see you, and not a time when you are in a rage like before," Dumbledore said joyously while Fawkes started whistling a happy tune.
"Well, you see, Potter and his hooligans kept bothering me non-stop. I implore you to punish them severely as you are Headmaster, and as I am not Head of Gryffindor House. Also, I implore you to agree with my decision of sending Potter to St. Mungo's in the Rehab Ward of Bad Habits," Snape said as Harry, Ron and Hermione finally entered the room.
"Harry! My favorite student ever, how wonderful it is to see you again after such a short time! What has it been? Twenty minutes?" Dumbledore greeted. He was especially happy because he was now in the room with his two favorite people in the world, "Severus was just telling me that you were bothering him, and he wants to send you to St. Mungo's in the Rehab Ward for Bad Habits because of your bad habit of always bothering him. Why would you bother him? He is the kindest, bravest, gentlest, sexiest men I have ever met!"
"Well you see, those thing may be true, Dumbledore, but he also hates me," Harry said with false sadness and fake sniffles.
"Oh Harry," Dumbledore cooed and Fawkes started to whistle a sad tune, "Severus, how could you! Hate the Boy-Who-Lived, hate the Chosen One goddammit! Hate my favorite student of all time, my main man!"
"I'm sorry Headmaster, I-," Snape started drifting off into thoughts of Lily Evans and James Potter, the vain of his existence. Even though James no longer lived, he lived through Harry's presence.
"Get out of my office Severus," Dumbledore ordered meanly, "Now!"
Snape whimpered and scurried out of Albus Dumbledore's office while Fawkes began to whistle more happily.
"Also Harry," Dumbledore said, "One-hundred points to Gryffindor House because, well, I am in just one of those moods."
"Thanks Dumbledore!" Harry said, and then he grabbed Hermione and gave her another victory snog out of habit. He then looped his arms inside of Ron and Hermione's and they whistled while skipping out of Dumbledore's office.
"All in a day's work," Dumbledore said with a smile.
Suddenly a blonde ferret appeared inside Dumbledore's office. It was Draco Malfoy!
"Professor, can I contact my father through floo powder? There are many things I need to tell him about," He asked most rudely.
"No, that's such a bad habit you ferret! Always going to your father about every little damn thing that you don't like! No wonder you aren't popular! No wonder you are not dating Granger!" Dumbledore shouted, "Get out of here you little shit!"
Malfoy cried and ran out of the room leaving behind a smiling Dumbledore.
"Ten points to Dumbledore," Dumbledore said satisfied with a grin.
"Today was a good day," Harry announced to his best friend and his now best friend turned girlfriend. They were now standing near the fireplace once again in the Gryffindor common room.
"Yes it was Harry," Hermione said, staring up at him, batting her eyelashes fiercely, and hoping for another one of Harry's victory snogs.
"We defeated Malfoy, bothered Snape, I wasn't sent to St. Mungo's in the Rehab Ward of Bad Habits, Dumbledore is still my main man, and I have a girlfriend. Can't get any better than this," Harry said, satisfied.
"I love you, Harry," Hermione blurted out before she could stop herself. Harry smirked and ran up to Hermione seizing her in a wet, but romantic kiss. Ron cried and left the room carrying behind him a huge Hershey's chocolate bar that suddenly appeared out of nowhere.
Harry and Hermione continued snogging. They fell on the couch with Hermione on top of Harry. She broke the kiss, looked at Harry and said, "But you do have to stop your bad habits."
Harry smirked at her and they continued to snog their arses off.
Dumbledore got his ten points and won the house cup because he said so. Harry and Hermione had daily snogging sessions and in the future got married. Ron eventually married Lavender Brown even though he still had feelings for Hermione. Snape grew old and lived alone for the rest of his days, daydreaming about Lily Evans. Draco Malfoy never got to tell on people to his father ever again.
So they all lived happily ever after, if you exclude Snape, Malfoy, Ron and Lavender.
The End
A/N Thank you so much for reading! Please review!
Arrivederchi!
-Miss. Caroline Potter