Dis/Claimer: I do not, nor will I ever, own Yu Yu Hakusho because the great Yoshihiro Togashi-sama is the genius responsible for creating this masterpiece of an anime. However, I do own the poem Like the Butterfly, so if I find anyone plagiarizing my poem, there will be hell to pay!
Summary: The butterfly's a symbol of the stages of life from birth to death, so isn't it just a bit too fitting that Shizuru finds a butterfly as the one guiding her into the afterlife? Showing her her entire life before she goes? Or is it just right because she's just like the butterfly?
Warning(s): Character death(s). Angst. The OC Hishizu. Slightly AU-ish.
Genre(s): Tragedy/Spiritual
Rating: K+ to light T
A/Ns 4/11/12: I know it's taken forever to put this one-shot back up...but yeah here it is. Finally. Oi, this old thing is also in Shizuru's POV. -scratches head- I'm not sure what else to say. Enjoy?
A/Ns 4/15/12: This one-shot is now heavily edited because I've decided to write a mini-multichaptered sequel to it in Yukina's POV for my scifibigbang challenge at LJ. I won't be able to post any new chapters of the sequel for at least two months (June-ish) because I'm not allowed to—part of the challenge's stipulations. But here's your forewarning! In the sequel, I hope to address what happened to some of the others as well as some of the plot holes found in Like the Butterfly.
Like the Butterfly
By Yo's Subordinate
Reposted & Lightly edited 4/11/12
Heavily edited 4/15/12
The soft creak of my rocking chair is the only sound heard this early in the morning around Genkai's temple, for the sun has yet to grace me with his radiant presence, nor will he for at least another three or four hours. The annoying squawking, tweeting, and chirping of those damn birds is absent for some strange reason. Hell, even the wind deems me unworthy of her gentle breeze.
I sense something's amiss, that something's not quite right. Why such stillness?
I may be 98 years old, but I'd be a fool's fool not to trust my intuition since I am psychic and sensitive to things a normal human wouldn't know was there, even if that something was licking them in the face (like a demon?). I just have this feeling that something's about to happen. But whether it's good or bad, I can't tell.
To be honest, I'm really too tired to care, and no, the exhaustion's not physical. It's more like being drained from life itself.
Though, I have been up all night…
I suppose I should have given up a long time ago, but I could never do that, not when I'm a fighter and, generally, a stubborn ass with an iron will to the very end. I know that's how I'll be heading to the other realm, and I know I won't have this thin, gray hair, this wrinkly skin that feels so leathery. Nor will I have this frail, withered body.
I know that I'll look like the long haired brunette with deep, chocolate brown eyes, a lean figure, and a fist that can knock the hell out of a demon in one punch from my days of youth because that's the time I found real purpose in my life. That's when love scared me shitless and yet became my greatest strength, my will to live, and those two purposes saved me again and again. And I know without a doubt they will be waiting for me, too.
A sad smile crosses my lips, and the all too familiar pain of loss tugs at my heart. How could I ever forget the day my mate died in my arms? How could I ever forget losing my only child in such a horrific way?
There are things a person, no matter how old she becomes, can never forget.
I suddenly have the urge to go see their graves, and I do no other than stand to my feet slowly. I refuse to use a cane, even if our little cemetery is a bit far.
Yeah, I said "our." It basically is since the majority of our little rag tag team is dead, including my baby bro. I'd say that about three of us are left?
Though, I'm not too sure if Yusuke's still alive. He might be, and I bet Demon World's where he took off to such a long time ago. He left the same day of Keiko's funeral, and no one's seen him since…
Yukina and I are the only ones at the Genkai temple, though we do get the occasional apparition seeking sanctuary. But that's not often.
Speaking of Yukina, she's not going to be too happy with me. Oh well. I'm about halfway there anyway.
Another thirty minutes pass by, and I'm short of breath. I rest against the large maple tree that shelters my two loves, that has watched over their spirits for so long.
And there's no way I'm going to mention everyone that is buried in this cemetery. Don't get the wrong idea that I hate them. Quite the opposite actually. I just don't feel like bearing the memories of the people I had to watch die over the years. Dealing with the deaths of my mate and child is enough for me right now.
I'm breathing better, but now I'm lying on top of the grave that he shares with our son. Yes, I had them both cremated and their ashes buried together at this serene place of rest. Well, I think it's the most peaceful place to be.
Darkness is still like a veil shrouding the sky in the nothingness of her vast sea of black. There are no stars, but the moon's pale, silver light is enough for me to see by.
Suddenly, I feel something land on my unprotected neck. I think it's some sort of bug because it kind of tickles me when it moves. I want to raise my hand and squash it, but something tells me not to do that. And then I get that feeling I got earlier. Only this time the feeling is much, much stronger. I wait for something to happen and then…
A startling white butterfly with the most brilliant wings I've ever seen before lands right on my nose. How could such a tiny thing be so bright? It looks like it's shining, and even shimmering.
"Why hello there, little one. Are you the cause of the disturbance here?" I lamely ask the butterfly like it might talk back.
And I'm right. The little bugger just looks at me.
I place my finger in front of my nose, and the butterfly actually hops on.
"You certainly brighten the place," I say with a smile, admiring its delicate beauty.
This butterfly seems different for some reason. Well, butterflies in general have always represented the different stages of life. At least to me, anyway. But this little white one also seems…familiar for some reason. I remember reading about spirit animals who serve as guides of a sort. Maybe she's mine?
I don't get long to think about that because, out of the blue, the whole entire left side of my body goes numb—it's the side the butterfly's on. Why am I so calm about this? I'm just laying here. Shouldn't I be freaking out?
Another five minutes pass, and now my limbs are tingling. And then a piercing cry wrenches itself from my lips as an indescribable pain grips my heart like an iron fist. A heart attack…
My breathing is rapid, and I'm gasping for air. My heart hurts worse by the second.
I see that white butterfly on my nose again, and then the world goes black. I go to a place in my mind where my entire life plays out before my very eyes…
Born into this world so small and shy
Like the baby butterfly
I open my eyes, but I can't see or talk. Why can't I? And why is it still so hard to breathe?
"Get her to NICU pronto! She's not breathing!" I hear an unknown male voice shout.
The frantic man's big, warm hands are able to hold the entirety of my tiny body. Wait. How can that be possible? Unless I'm a baby again?
"She's so small! Do you think she even has a chance, doctor?" Another—familiar—male voice asks—it's my father's voice.
The one with the big hands —now identified as the doctor—is running somewhere with me really fast. My father must be running alongside him.
I finally register that I'm in a hospital, and then I remember Father telling me not even a few days after Kazuma's birth and Mother's death that I nearly lost my life when I was born because I was extremely premature. When Father told me that, I was 16 years old, so why I am I going through this experience as an infant again?
And then the white, nearly transparent butterfly comes to mind, and I remember the heart attack I'm having in the real world…
"It's very slim, but there's always room to hope," the doctor states.
They're soon placing something over my face—an oxygen mask—but why is it still so hard to breathe?
I suddenly hear this long, drawn out, beeping siren-like noise. It's an annoying sound.
"We're losing her!" The doctor yells again.
And then there's nothing but a dark tunnel leading toward light. It's so tempting to go toward that light, but the radiance from the butterfly is brighter and stops me. I follow the creature back toward the darkness…
My eyes open. I can see, and the brightness of the room is blinding.
"Aww! Look honey! Shi-chan's being shy!" My mother—so excited, yet so tired—exclaims.
Mom? But I thought she was dead?
I feel her embracing me in her arms. It's a touch I haven't felt in years, and I haven't been called Shi-chan since I was 16.
I hear my father's laughter and immediately gaze his way, but he's so very blurry.
"I'd have to agree, darling, but she sure knows who we are," Father speaks softly, as he always did.
"Yes, you do. Don't you, Shi-chan?"
I put my tiny hand up to Mom's cheek, and she still has such beautiful and warm skin. I can't help but smile, and Mother just gets excited again, responding with, "I'll take that smile as a yes."
"Hon, she has your smile and looks just like you, and I think she has your smarts, too!" Mother cries, happiness ringing from every syllable she speaks.
I hear Papa laugh again in response.
"We love you so very much, Shi-chan. You gave us quite a scare. We thought we were going to lose you," Father whispers, taking me into his arms before continuing to speak, "Never forget, that no matter where you are or where we are, we'll always love you."
"Yes," Mom croons to me in agreement, nuzzling her cheek against my own.
And then there's darkness…
Curiosity of a tot
Wanted to explore the world
Lessons were taught
And my little wings were unfurled
The little butterfly leads me through a door, which appeared out of nowhere, and into the house I grew up in and where I raised Kazuma and Hishizu.
I notice that I'm much closer to the ground, which is kind of aggravating, and then, I see my reflection in the ceiling mirrors of the living room. I'm a toddler again! I even have the pigtails and the big, brown eyes…
Something very interesting to my right draws my attention. Guess what it happens to be? A damn light socket! And my fingers just seem to have a mind of their own until Daddy pops my hand, keeping me from reaching the socket.
I glare at him for reprimanding me and turn my back to him, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Hn!" I answer snidely.
He gives me a pop on the rear end in retaliation, which only pisses my four-year-old self off more.
"Do not disrespect your elders, especially when that elder is your father. Do you understand me, young lady?"
My father's deadly calm voice sets off alarm bells in my head.
He continues, "That means you will look at me when I'm talking to you, Shizuru."
I instantly face him, looking up. He starts to calms down.
"Sorry, Papa," I apologize because now I feel bad.
"Oh, just don't do that again!" He says, scooping me up into his arms.
"You do know that curiosity killed the cat, right?" He asks.
I nod, snuggling against his chest and wondering what dead cats had to do with light anything.
"Well, that light socket could have killed you, baby, and then what would your mother and I do? We would be heart broken. Don't ever do something like that again."
Papa squeezes me tightly.
"Okay, Papa," I reply softly, and he lets me go, placing me back down on the floor.
He gives me a big grin as he grabs the newspaper off the coffee table before turning away and walking out of the room.
I glower at my fingers until the butterfly lands on my nose. It likes to do that, doesn't it? Oh well. I guess I learned a very valuable lesson about light sockets and that sometimes curiosity can be a dangerous thing (Though, this never stopped my curiosity as I got older).
Gah! The butterfly's wings are so bright! Hey! Am I flying?
And, indeed, I am.
I have no clue how anyone or anything can fly through pitch black nothingness…
Authority I fought to defy
Like the wild butterfly
I'm suddenly running, but from what?
And why am I dressed like a punk? I mean I never liked dresses or skirts, but why the tight, matching, black leather pants and jacket and stiletto high heels? Why the red tube top beneath the jacket? I must be 15 again.
And then I hear the police sirens…
Okay, this is my rebellious stage and the time period I started smoking (I stopped when I found I was pregnant with Hishizu later in my life). I wouldn't listen to anyone, not even my parents. I remember those days well. I don't think anyone could ever outsmart the police like I could (Maybe Yusuke?).
Grinning, I find my hidden motor cycle behind a huge dumpster in an alley. The moment the cops drive by and are out of range I rev up the Harley.
"Awesome!" I scream in triumph over the engines.
In this rare moment of absolute abandon, I ride like the wind, wild and free. Well, that is, until I get home to very pissed off parents.
And, again, comes the darkness and the white butterfly…
Not doing what I was told
Daring and unafraid of danger
Believing I'd never get old
Just being a teenager
The days of grade school are past
Like junior high and the need to fit in
To high school at last
Then to college I went
There's nothing but blinding light for about two seconds. And then, I'm at the hospital again. Except this time, I'm in the waiting room.
What am I so anxious for? Why am I even here? Oh, I'm 16 again.
"Oh, no. Not this again, "I think to myself, remembering this particular hospital trip a little too well…
I gained a brother and lost a mother. And not even a month after Kazuma's birth, Daddy killed himself. I was stuck raising a kid brother, trying to make it through high school and college.
It was a very painful part of my life, but I don't think I would've had it any other way because I had Kazuma. Yeah, that idiot of a brother I raised like my own… that idiot of a brother who had to go and get himself killed the day he was going to ask Yukina to marry him! Yeah, he died young. Too young. And it's Koenma's fault!
Definitely another wound that didn't need to be opened…
"Shi-chan? I-I've got some good news and some bad news…which first?" My father asks, his voice unsteady.
I refuse to look at my father's face because I know I will see the same look I had when my mate and son were killed. I would see a broken heart pooling in his dark eyes. Such desolation, so much pain…
"The good," I mumble.
"You have a new baby brother! Do you want to go and see little Kazuma?" He asks me, a fake, tender smile in his voice resounding with unshed tears.
"After you tell me the bad news," I whisper hoarsely, knowing what's coming…
"Well…uh…you…your…m-mother…didn't…make..i-it…" His words break off into choking sobs.
For the first time I ever remember in my life, my daddy cried, and I held him. I held him until his tears couldn't come anymore. I never shed a single drop.
That painful memory fades to darkness. And soon, soft, wavering light is shed upon a pale blue room with kitten wallpaper border…
"Kazuma's baby room. He's only four months old," I murmur to myself, trying to block out that this memory means Papa killed himself barely 3 months ago.
I walk over to the crib to watch him sleep, but I find him awake and giving me the sweetest look. I had to pick him up then, and, man, is he a big baby. Lucky I'm strong or otherwise I'd have been in a world of shit trying to raise him.
"I wuv you…" Kazuma says, shocking the hell out of me.
He is so precious. At least he is while he's a baby.
"I love you, too, Kazu-chan." I say, unable to help myself when I smiling down at him in my arms…
That moment in my life sparked my strange love for rocking chairs because from that day forward I rocked Kazuma to sleep or read to him as often as I could.
I sold my Harley for cash and ceased to be a teenager. I quit being a daredevil and putting my life on the line. I quit being rebellious. I quit making a fool of myself. I quit being me.
I lost a huge piece of myself that never completely healed after my parents' deaths. I became an adult with a huge responsibility to bear, and I still worked and went to school. I was left with the broken pieces of our livs, and I had to put us back together again. I had to create a new life from those broken pieces for the both of us. It was so damn hard.
But, at least, I had my baby bro.
The butterfly lands on my head this time, and then, there's an explosion of silver-white light…
Aiming for a dream so high
Like the soaring butterfly
The light dazes me for about five minutes and leaves me with a horrible headache.
After I regain some composure, I find that I'm in Kazuma's bedroom, and he's sleeping with that fuzz ball cat of his. He's fourteen years old in this memory. And like I've done since he was brought him home from the hospital as a baby, I watch him sleep…
"Kazuma," I whisper his name before saying, "I miss you, bro."
Around this time, Yusuke becomes a Spirit Detective, and my little brother gets involved in all that demon fighting crap. I want to say I wish Yusuke had never died and became Detective, but if that hadn't happened, I never would've met the love of my life.
I smile when Kazuma says something about pummeling Urameshi to death and then starts talking about kitties and evil socks—He always was a sleep talker.
The dreams that I set for myself had nothing to do with college—though, I did receive a bachelor's degree—but, to me, they were every bit as high…even higher, perhaps.
I wanted Kazuma's happiness more than anything, and I guess, in a way, my dream for him did come true. As for myself, I guess I wanted to true love, and I definitely achieved that for the brief time I had it in my life.
The white butterfly appears again, but this time it feels like I'm suddenly enfolded within wings and lifted skyward somewhere above all the darkness…
I have learned
And I have grown
I have yearned
For the things unknown
Those wings let me go, and I find that I'm in my bedroom upstairs of my family home. Why here of all places? This must be about the time Kazuma sets off to college, still slaying demons. That means I'm about 35 now.
It's won't be too much longer before he loses his life because of a case Koenma should never have given to him. He's only 19 when I lose him…
Gah! I hate Koenma because of that case. I haven't talked to the toddler since Kazuma's death. Though, I've talked to Botan on several occasions that have, ironically, involved dead loved ones.
I sigh.
At least I've learned a lot from enduring so much. Like inner strength and acceptance of some things I can't change. I grew to love, to open my heart…but long after I lost my baby bro.
My heart closed off completely to everyone at this time in my life. Until he came along battering and ramming and shattering his way past the thick, icy walls of my heart.
He just had to be as stubborn as I was. Just as cold, but just as fiery. Both of our hearts were closed and neither of us knew shit about how to truly love someone. Him, even more so than me.
At first I wanted to hate him, but his mystery drew me to him like that stupid cliché—I was the ugly moth enthralled by his beautiful flame. Over time, I found out that we had much more in common than I ever wanted to admit.
I yearned for the unknown, and, well, he would come to be the greatest puzzle I ever had to try and figure out. But I was never fully able to unearth all of his truths, even after all the years I knew him. All the years I loved him…
The butterfly comes through the bedroom window—like he used to do—and a cloak of darkness chases the creature's blazing aura, thrusting me into my next memory…
My darling in my arms as we lie
Like the loving butterfly
I'm thrown into one of my most treasured memories…
The rain is pouring down on me, a deluge from the heavens, a raging waterfall. But I still continue to dance and play in the storm. This was something I secretly enjoyed doing, even if I didn't get to do it often.
I would've never let another soul see this side of me, yet he did. He watched me…watched for hours fascinated, even a little awestruck. And I strangely let him.
When I sit beneath his tree soaked to the bone, I decide it's time to call him out.
"Enjoy the show, Hiei?" I ask as emotionless as possible.
I try not to laugh when he falls out of the tree. I don't succeed because I burst into a fit of uncharacteristic laughter.
From the beginning, the fire demon seemed to have this odd ability to make me act and think in ways I normally wouldn't.
"Hn. Baka onna. What makes you think that?"
The passion in Hiei's crimson eyes hold all the answers I need to know for now—he wants me just as much I want him.
"Ah. What the hell." I say, standing up, a seductive smirk curling on my lips.
I watch his eyes, noting the exact moment he seems to get the hint. He growls and ravishes my mouth, claiming my lips as thoroughly as he comes to completely possess me later that same night…
My favorite little bug with its beautiful wings lands on my nose again. I swear it does that on purpose.
And again I fade into black…
A career to maintain
A family with needs
Such gifts I obtain
Simplicity the key
Giving my all
In everything I do
Even when I fall
and I'm feeling so blue
This time the white butterfly stays with me as the memory materializes…
At the age of 45, which is late for a woman, I safely bear a son. Both Hiei and I couldn't have been prouder parents.
Besides being granted Hiei's love, having Hishizu was the greatest gift the Gods ever gave me. He looked just like Hiei, but he strangely ended up with Yukina's gentleness. And my holy heavens that boy was a hand full. I damn near started smoking again!
It's not that Hishizu was a bad child. He was just way too curious for his own good. Maybe that's normal for abnormal children or something? Hishizu was half ningen, a quarter hi youkai, and another quarter koorimie…not to mention the powerful psychic abilities from the Kuwabara bloodline he gained.
I hated it when Hiei left to work for Murkuro, but he had his obligations to the Makai demon lord. I always missed his warmth and his cute, little smirk and those sweet lips and those beautiful eyes…
Gah! Who am I kidding? I always missed him, even if he was just in the next room.
Neither of us liked to live lavishly, unlike a certain fox demon—who died of old age as his human self in my 96th year. Simplicity was kind of like our unsaid motto. Why complicate our life when it was already complicated enough?
No matter my mood, though, I gave my all to make sure my two loves were happy…
My unique, little bug friend suddenly blinks me out of the memory in little pixels…
For many things I need a why
Like the inquiring butterfly
The butterfly drags me into a very dark place. I can't see anything or feel the creature anywhere. Such anguish grips my spirit…
Why did the Gods curse me so? Why did they take my friends? Why did they take my beloved? My boy? Why do I have so many whys without any answers? Why?
The barrage of questions pounding in my head are like the deluge that poured down on me that first time Hiei watched me dance in the rain…
Those questions were the kind that cluttered my prayers each night. If there was any deity listening during that time, the god never answered me.
The butterfly abruptly appears, shading the blackness of the world to dark blue hues, and then the creatures carries me to the last memory…
Searching deep in my soul
Wondering my purpose to live
I bear this life's toll
With hardly anything left to give
The butterfly is slowing down quite a bit, and why has it shaded this memory the color of blood? Oh wait, I know…
I was 70 years old when the most tragic part of my life transpired…when I lost everything I had come to live for.
I remember that I awoke shivering and sweating that night, choking on the fear that I'd lose Hiei and Hishizu. Within five hours, the premonition came true, and I never hated being psychic more than I did at that point in my life. My baby boy was barely 25…
Hiei and Hishizu went to check out the security of the perimeters surrounding the house, but unbeknownst to them, an assassin had been hired, by only the gods know who, to kill Hiei and his family.
I found my son horribly mutilated, and although Hiei managed to kill the S-class assassin, the fire demon was not spared harm. He bled to death in my very arms...
The 28 years since their deaths, I've searched my soul so deeply for something else to live for, but the burdens and cares of my life have truly worn me down. I'm an old woman with hardly anything else to give the world. Except my strength. Yes, I suppose that will do nicely. Hiei would want that just because he's my stubborn pain in the ass.
The butterfly looks sickly as it sits on my shoulder using the last of its strength to bring me back to reality…
I know the time will soon be nigh
Like the wise butterfly
"Shizuru! Don't you dare leave me! I'll be all alone..."
I hear Yukina's frantic, desperate calls to keep me here in the living world. I hear the clanking of her precious tear gems hitting the stone of Hiei and Hishizu's grave. I feel her agony and sorrow as she holds me in her arms trying helplessly to heal me. And I'm so very sorry she hurts. I can only hope that someday she is able to forgive me for leaving her.
The pain in my chest doesn't seem so bad now, even though I know I will soon breathe my last breath…
The hearing I might lose
The sight just may leave
Memories might go leaving me confused
I might just need a reprieve
Though my life was much pain
I could always rise above
And as my lifeforce wanes
I know I was in a never-ending circle of love
Heartache has been something I've always known, always bore. But my strength has helped me to lift myself above all that pain. If I can leave behind one thing, let it be my strength that sees Yukina through.
"Shizuru!" She screams my name, but I'm can't open my eyes, so I whisper to her to be strong.
"Shizuru, you're all I have left of my brother and Kazuma and my nephew. You're all I have left of everyone. Please don't go," The koorimie sobs.
I'm only able to slightly shake my head and smile sadly as I weakly place my hand over her heart and murmur quietly, "Here, always."
One day, sweet Yukina, we will meet again,I think to the koorimie silently, my hand falling to the earth.
In my mind's eye, I see a dying butterfly laying her eggs, even as the creature slowly withers and fades away. She dies giving life, and that's what I call a never ending circle of love.
You've done well, little one, you've done well, I mentally whisper to her spirit.
I somehow know that she smiles in reply before heading onto the Reikai, where I will soon follow to meet my own circle of love (and unfortunately Koenma).
And then I shall go to die
Like the tired butterfly
Owari
4/15/12 Ending A/Ns: That's all for this one-shot, but you can bet your pretty rear there's going to be a sequel now that I've done all this editing to this thing. Please look forward to A Cold Wind Blows in the next few months.