Title: To Sleep, Perchance…

By: Amanda

Feedback: sweety167@yahoo.ca

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Post Butterflied

Disclaimer: I don't own them, I just like to take them out and play with them…and I think they like it too.

Summary: Grissom realises just what happened, in true Grissom fashion.

Completed: January 17, 2004

Catherine says I should go home. Insists on it. Go home and finally sleep, and shower. And to be honest I can't handle triple shifts anymore. I'm just not that young, or that energised any longer…if I ever was. Though I can't remember a time that I was. I can't remember many times that I was something else. But I can't handle sleep either, not now. If I go to sleep, I'll dream. And if I dream she'll haunt me. Her face will be there, over mine. Filling the silence and darkness.

Not Debbie Marlin.

This one is always there, now more then ever. Like a living ghost of a future I can't touch.

Sara Sidle.

She always haunts me. Day and night. I close my eyes and she's there. Her face, her voice and her smile. I've been able to push her aside, to block her. But tonight would be too much. I wouldn't be able to escape. I don't think I ever could again. Is it possible for a dream to kill you?

It is possible for it to kill others. The good Dr. Lurie proved that. His dream killed Debbie and Michael. But can I blame him? When I looked across the table at him, I saw me. It's hard to deny, even to yourself, when it stares you in the face. Two men who share the same sad destiny. But I could never actively kill Sara…then what have I been doing for these past years? I've been killing us both. Slowly and painfully.

But it's strange how I can't bring myself to blame the doctor, but I can blame myself. Blame myself for not taking the chance on Sara, on the second chance. He took the risk. Lost, but could still say he took the risk, the chance. But Debbie had broken him. She had taken away the new life she had given him, and worse given it away. Did she even care or notice? She was young and beautiful and had used that.

But Sara's not Debbie.

She's proven that she's different. She was the one taking the risk. She came here to me. She tried to reach me. She saw a new life…with me? But I couldn't do anything. Dreams create fear.

Is she not worth the risk? Yes, of course she is. But am I? What good would it do to risk our lives for some possibility. If I wouldn't risk it for her, why should she for me? There's still too many unanswered whys.

Sleep would be evasive today.