Security Blanket

"All I know is, if I let you leave tonight, I'll regret it. I'll regret losing you. I'll hate myself for not making you stay. And trust me, I don't need to hate myself any more than I already do."

Teddy had paged Cristina to an on-call room, as a final, desperate attempt to make her stay. Her flight to New York was in two short hours. It wasn't enough time. It would never be enough.

"Teddy..."

"I get too attached, Cristina. I loved Owen, and he chose you. Then I fell in love with Henry, and he died on your OR table. And now, you're leaving me too. Nothing works out, Cristina. Ever. Not for me."

"You're saying that's my fault?!"

Teddy sighed in frustration. "Yeah, Cristina, I think I am. And the thing is, you have complete control this time. You can go, or you can stay. If you leave me tonight, that's on you. That's your choice. You'll be the one leaving me alone, for the third damn time in a row."

Teddy was yelling now, caught up in emotion. She knew she shouldn't guilt Cristina into staying, but what other choice did she have? She already tried everything else.

"Look, Teddy, I never asked for Owen to love me, and I never wanted Henry to die. And I also didn't ask for you to love me. You chose that. And now, that's your problem. And I'm sorry, but I'm going to Columbia, because that's what I want. And I know what you want, but we don't get to make each other's decisions. So I'm going, because this is an amazing opportunity and I won't let you keep me from that." She had to stop for a second to catch her breath. "And I'm sorry," she said, trying to make up for how harsh she sounded. "But I already took the job. It's mine, and I want it. That's my choice."

"Cristina, I know it is. And I know you want to get better, but you can do that here. I'm not done teaching you. I'm not done spending time with you. I'm not done! I don't care about anything else. I just need you here."

Teddy felt tears welling up, and soon enough her control had drifted away, and she was crying loudly with her hands over her eyes.

"Teddy, just stop it. Come on. Stop." Cristina knew if Teddy didn't cut the sappy, annoying, "I can't live without you" crap, she'd be over there in two seconds cuddling her and rubbing her back to calm her down. And Cristina didn't want to do that. Not now. Not while she was fighting like hell to get away from her. "Teddy, shut up. Just shut up."

Teddy sighed and sniffled a bit, trying to regain her composure. Why did Cristina always do this to her? Things were so much simpler before they met.

But now that she knew her, she didn't want to go back. She'd almost rather have things screwed up but still have Cristina, than to just have a normal, carefree life without her. And Teddy hated herself for that. And she damn well hated Cristina for it, too.

Cristina. Why Cristina? Why did it have to be her? The woman who took away both of the men she loved? Why the actual hell did she want Cristina?

She didn't choose it. She never would've. But it was too hard to avoid.

She admired her, she adored her sense of humor and the conversations they had, all of their inside jokes and OR dance parties, the passion they shared for surgery.

Most of the time, Cristina didn't seem to care that much, but Teddy could tell she felt it too. She'd probably never admit it, though.

Cristina never said "I love you," or kissed her first, but Teddy knew. Cristina was always there for her, always around to wipe her tears, or make her laugh, poke fun at April, or whatever else. She was more than just a good friend. So much more. Teddy didn't know what to call them, but she knew there was a 'them.' For sure.

Maybe, though, they could just exist as they were. As long as Cristina stayed, Teddy could have her. But Cristina was leaving.

"Cristina," she said, her voice pleading. "Come here." She made room on the bed and motioned for her to come closer. Cristina just stared at the ground.

"I'm sorry. I can't." Cristina shook her head. "Just stop. You know if I come over there, that's it. I'll stay here. And I can't, I can't, I have to go." She felt her voice getting shakier. She kept her eyes on her shoelaces, knowing that if she looked up at Teddy, she'd start crying. And that'd just be bad news for everyone.

"Cristina," Teddy said, tears beginning to fall again. "I don't have anyone here. I have you, and that's it. You know me. You get it. Please."

"Oh, please. Like you have it so hard," Cristina said, resorting to sarcasm to prevent her tears from falling. "Everyone here loves you. Arizona's pretty much your bestie. And so is Callie, right? And...Bailey?"

Teddy laughed at Cristina's sentiment, and for a moment, forgot that she was about to leave. "Don't get me wrong; Arizona and Callie and wonderful. And Bailey is...well, she's Bailey. But Cristina, they're not you. It's not the same thing."

Cristina was close enough to the door to just run out of there and be done with this, but something was keeping her there, in the darkness of the on-call room. She couldn't move. She couldn't leave. There was no way. Teddy was sitting in bed, just a few feet away from her, being all teary-eyed and stupid. Cristina couldn't leave her. Not now.

"Teddy, I can't stay," she said, even though everything, in that moment, made her want to. But she knew that deep down, leaving would be the best thing for both of them. Cristina could advance her career. And Teddy could recover on her own. Grieve a little without Cristina there to fix her. Teddy needed to learn independence. They both did.

"You can."

"You know what? I can. I could. And everything would be easy. But we both know that's not the right thing to do. Easy isn't always right. You taught me that, but you're still trying to make me stay. Stop being so damn desperate and start living by your own freaking advice." Cristina knew she was being harsh, but if she started acting all sappy like Teddy was, she'd cry. She couldn't let herself do that.

Teddy wiped a few tears away from her eyes, before more streamed down her face. "I'm sorry. I just want you to be happy, Cristina."

"Columbia would do that for me," Cristina told her, letting out a long sigh. "And frankly, so would you. But I can't stay here."

Teddy's eyes lightened up. It may not have been much, but it was the closest thing Cristina had ever said to "I love you." And that counted for something.

Teddy nodded, deciding she was too tired to fight her anymore. "Okay. Go. Go to Columbia."

Cristina sighed in relief, gazing into Teddy's eyes. She had Teddy's permission now. It was comforting, but she didn't need it. Cristina had always put surgery over anything else, and nothing could change that. It was in her blood.

"Okay."

"Okay," Teddy echoed, smiling through her tears. "Go."

Cristina looked at her, contemplating what to do next. She couldn't just turn around and leave. Teddy was still crying. She couldn't leave her like that. Whenever Teddy was upset, Cristina was there for her. And today was no exception.

Cristina finally caved, and she made her way over to the bottom bunk, slowly, and crawled into bed with Teddy. Teddy stroked her face, planting a kiss on her forehead.

"Columbia's going to be great for you," she said, smiling at Cristina. "They're going to love you there." She ran her fingers through Cristina's hair, and slowly kissed her on the lips. "I'll miss you, but you'll be happy. You go there, and you be great. That's all I want."

In reality, there was so much more that Teddy wanted. She wished for a life with her, for a future. She wasn't exactly sure what that would entail, but she just wanted Cristina somewhere within arm's reach.

New York was a little far for that. Cristina could never call her again, and there wasn't much Teddy could do about it. Not when she was on the opposite end of the country.

It was her worst fear to never hear from Cristina again. "Please, just don't forget about me. Don't forget about this place."

Cristina buried her face into Teddy's chest, feeling tears roll down her cheeks. She wrapped her arms around Teddy, slowing shutting her eyes. She listened to Teddy's heartbeat, and tried not to think about saying goodbye.

"I...I'm not doing this to hurt you. If there was a way I could be at Columbia with you, I would do it in a second."

"I know." Teddy planted kisses on her cheeks and wrapped her in the blankets.

She wanted Cristina to stay, yes, but in that moment, there was nothing else she could ask for. She had her. And they were okay.