A/N: I got the idea for this fic while RPing with HPontopoftheworld. It's angsty and fluffy in equal parts (I hope). It takes place before Ukitake and Shunsui go to the Academy. Review and Enjoy! n.n
Cycle
Kyouraku Shunsui trudged down the dusty road away from his family's estate. The setting sun's last dying ray lanced through the gently swaying trees and he shaded his eyes against the obnoxious glare. A hat would be nice right about now.
The large pack on Shunsui's shoulder was weighing heavily on his mind and body. He carried on his back all he'd wanted to take from his former residence. All his personal belongings, no matter how useless, had been packed up and stuffed into the bag.
It was completely dark now and Shunsui knew he'd need a place to stay or the night. And not just for the night either; he needed a place to call home. I won't think about that yet, Shunsui told himself firmly; I'll figure out what to do about that tomorrow.
He arrived in the small town and quickly located the inn. The innkeeper took his money without question and showed Shunsui to a room. It was a far cry from anything he'd ever slept in before, but it would do.
Shunsui discarded his pack carelessly and went back out to the street. Tonight he needed to not think, and the only way he could think of was sake. It wasn't a perfect or permanent solution, but it would do for now. There was a bar across the street from the inn and so he entered the small place. It smelled of alcohol and smoke, like any typical bar did. Shunsui sat at one of the rickety stools and ordered a jug of sake. The night was still young, so the place was nearly deserted. The only other inhabitants were two men who looked as though they'd been there all day.
The jug and dish were set on the scuffed wood before him and Shunsui quickly poured himself a helping. The opaque liquid burned slightly as it coursed down his throat and he relished it as the beginning of forgetting. As he finished the dish, he willed himself not to touch on the memories lurking in the back of his mind. The recollections crept to the foreground and he downed more sake to chase them away. This cycle repeated itself until Shunsui couldn't take it any longer. The shouting match with his parents resurfaced and he heard their words echo in his ears.
They had shouted about what a disgrace he was and how he would never amount to anything. His mother had yelled that he would never measure up to even the measliest of his brother's accomplishments. They pointed out every little flaw Shunsui had. His laziness, love of sake, disregard of proper etiquette and propriety. All that and more were thrown into the light and remarked upon disparagingly. Hatred of them burned his throat as the sake no longer did. Shunsui had already lost count of the number of dishes he'd consumed. Did it really matter, though?
Shunsui finished the jug in front of him and yet the simple fact that he was homeless remained in his mind. It took a whole second jug of sake to erase it. By the time he was done with that one, he couldn't remember why he was there. The room swayed gently and Shunsui clutched the bar. Or he thought he did. Yet it was sliding away and then he had a lovely view of the ceiling. Shunsui felt his eyes closing and he struggled to stay conscious.
~*~*~*~*~
The first thing Shunsui noticed when he woke was the pounding pain in his head. Then he realized he was lying in a bed, one that was surprisingly warm. That fact quickly exited through the window as the sunlight streaming in caused even more pain. His eyes were only open a crack but the light lanced into them all the same. Shunsui groaned at the feeling of the worst hangover he'd ever had.
"Shunsui? You awake?" Juushiro's voice came from the space next to him. Shunsui started and looked over, braving the blinding light. What was his friend doing here? For that matter, what was Shunsui himself doing there? How had they gotten there, anyway?
He took in the familiar and very shirtless form. Confusion and apprehension swelled within him as he took in his old friend's wide, worried eyes. Looking down at himself quickly, Shunsui realized he was shirtless too. Oh Kami, what had he done? Might as well apologize now.
"Juushiro, I'm so sorry..."
"What are you apologizing for?"
"I... I mean, didn't we..?" Shunsui left the sentence hanging awkwardly and looked down at himself again.
Juushiro turned bright red as he caught on. "No! No, you were unconscious and I thought I should just put you to bed, so..."
"Oh. Good," Shunsui said, relieved. Then he realized what he'd said. "I mean, not that there would be anything wrong with that, it's just..." He tried futily to rectify the statement and only made it worse. "Never mind." He shook his head but stopped quickly as the motion made nausea churn his stomach.
"You mean you don't see me that way," Juushiro supplied.
"Uh... right," Shunsui confirmed, falsely. He did see Juushiro that way, all the time. The feeling had been growing lately and it was even more intense now in this close proximity.
Eager to change the subject, Shunsui asked; "So, what happened?"
"I went looking for you, because we were supposed to meet yesterday. So I asked around and someone said they saw you at the bar across the street. By the time I got there, you had passed out. The bartender helped me get you in here. That's pretty much it."
"Thank you for you help, then."Shunsui said politely. He was trying very hard not to reach out and touch Juushiro. The delicate planes of his exposed chest really were distracting.
"Is there a reason for all this?" The object of Shunsui's fascination asked.
"All what?"
"The barman said you had two whole jugs of sake. And you didn't meet me yesterday."
Shunsui was silent for a moment. Then he turned away and muttered, "My parents kicked me out."
"They... what?"
"They disowned me. I can't live there anymore."
"But why would they do that?"
"Because I'm useless!" Shunsui burst out, "Because I'm a good-for-noting, lazy, selfish prick who can't fend for himself! Because I have nothing to contribute to the world!" His voice was thick with emotion and unshed tears.
"As suffocating as it was in that house... I was relying on them. I grew up and shaped my life around the guarantee that I could just be the well-off second son who gets some land and doesn't have to run the big estate. I never realized that that view in just what I hated seeing in everyone else. So I'm a hypocrite too. My parents had every right to turn me out."
The room was silent for a long minute and Shunsui was immediately ashamed of his outburst. It wasn't fair of him to dump all this on Juushiro. It was yet more unnecessary proof of his selfishness.
Shunsui started as he felt a pair of strong arms wrap firmly around him. He felt Juushiro's warm breath on the back of his neck. Wherever their skin touched, Shunsui felt an electrifying sensation. The feeling made his breath catch.
"You have to forgive yourself. Everyone has their faults," Juushiro consoled him, "You have to accept them to be happy with who you are. And no matter what, parents shouldn't cast away their children because the child didn't turn out the way they wanted. That's wrong." Juushiro's voice had a steely, angry edge to it as he spoke the last two sentences.
"If I wasn't the way I am, this wouldn't have happened."
The arms around Shunsui's chest tightened forcefully. "No. You can't blame yourself for the way your parents run their household. Be fair to yourself, Shunsui."
Shunsui sighed. Part of him wanted to heed Juushiro's advice and let himself off the hook, but part of him wanted to be stuck in this cycle of self-hatred. It wasn't an easy pattern to break.
"Please, Shunsui. I don't want you to think those things about yourself."
"But what if they're true?"
"They're not, Sui. Really. You've overlooked all the good things about yourself. Your kindness and eloquence. Strong sense of justice. Things like that." Juushiro's speech was halting, as if he were afraid to reveal too much.
Shunsui sighed again, but more contentedly this time. "I'll believe you," he whispered.
"Good." Juushiro said nothing more, but didn't pull himself away from Shunsui. He found his childhood's friend's warmth to be very comforting. Even so, he didn't want to make things awkward between them, no matter how he personally felt. So he pulled his arms back gently.
To Juushiro's surprise, Shunsui stopped him by grasping his hands.
"Wait. I need to tell you something." Shunsui began to confess. He turned over ad their faces were only inches apart. Juushiro felt his heartbeat quicken at the proximity and struggled not to blush. Shunsui wasn't sure why he was about to confess how he felt. Maybe it was the after-effects of the sake. Maybe it was the way they'd woken up. Maybe it was the fact that Shunsui desperately needed something to hold on to.
"I lied to you before... when I told you how I see you."
Juushiro frowned in confusion. "Then how do you see me?"
Shunsui reached out hesitantly and touched Juushiro's face. His fingertips ghosted over the pale skin of the cheekbone and down to his jawline. "How do you think?"
Juushiro's eyes widened and he blushed. "I... I don't know how that's possible."
"Why not?"
"I always wished... wished you would say something like this. I just never thought you really would..." Juushiro smiled shyly.
It was Shunsui's turn to be surprised. "You feel the same way?"
"Of course." Juushiro reached up and out his own hand over Shunsui's, making the contact between their skin more concrete.
Shunsui stared into Juushiro's eyes and the white-haired man felt almost hypnotized, frozen by the intensity of that gaze. The emotions and depth of those stormy gray eyes made his heart race. He was unable to move as Shunsui slowly closed the gap between them.
The dark-haired man felt a tingling sensation run up his spine at the feeling of Juushiro's lips under his. He had wanted this for so long, it almost didn't seem real. But it was real, and wonderfully so.
Juushiro's lips moved tenderly against Shunsui's and he wove his finger through Shunsui's hair. Shunsui gently pulled him upright, breaking the kiss briefly so they could touch more of each other's skin.
They closed the distance again as quickly as possible. Hands moves over heated skin with a fervor neither had quite felt before. Shunsui relished the feeling of Juushiro so close, finally accessible to his long-hidden desire.
Finally they broke apart, neither able to catch their breath yet. Juushiro rested his forehead against Shunsui's and the bigger man wrapped his arms around the lean, pale torso. They stayed there in comfortable silence until Shunsui whispered;
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"Accepting how I feel. Accepting me."
Juushiro smiled; the smile that always warmed Shunsui no matter the circumstance. "It's the least I could do after all you've done for me."
"Like what?" Shunsui honestly couldn't think of anything he could give Juushiro that the young man didn't already possess.
"You've accepted me, too. Whenever I'm sick, people back away out of fear or worry. But you never did that. You always stayed with me, even though you were worried. And you were always letting me push myself. So we've helped each other." He smiled again, with that same radiance.
Shunsui smiled back and disengaged himself so he could lay down. Juushiro followed, settling comfortably into Shunsui's warm arms.
"How's that hangover?"
"The worst I've ever had!"Shunsui exclaimed dramatically.
"Sorry I didn't get there more quickly, then." Juushiro said with a laugh.
"S'not your fault."
The silence stretched again and Shunsui thought the man in his arms had fallen asleep.
"Sui?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you come live with me?"
Shunsui looked down at him in shock. "Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure. You need somewhere to go and I can provide it. My parents won't mind and my siblings adore you. What have you got to lose?"
Shunsui laughed. "You make a very convincing argument. Okay, I'll come live with you."
"Good." Juushiro smiled again.
The rest of the day passed in comfortable companionship. The two young men waited for Shunsui's hangover to pass and when it did; they set out for Juushiro's house by the sea. The welcome they received was warm and loud and no one protested to the new member of the family.
Whenever Shunsui felt the weight of his faults crushing him, Juushiro was always there to lift them away. They balanced each other out and would stay that way for many, many years.