I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.
...
I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.
...
Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
...
In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.
-I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You
by
Pablo Neruda
"Miss Evans! Would you mind coming back to class?" screeched Professor McGonagall.
Lily's quill fell from her mouth, and she sat upright, tearing her eyes from the window. "Sorry, Professor McGonagall. I promise I won't get distracted again," she said, flushing.
Mary Macdonald nudged her in the ribs. "What are you dreaming about?" she hissed, "She's teaching Steelclaw transfiguration, pay attention!"
Lily was a little taken aback by Mary's reproach, but then realized she would probably copy Lily's homework word to word, so Lily was required to learn it accurately. She rolled her eyes, and pressed the top of her quill- she had chewed it badly.
Lily could hardly wait for the class to be over and barely paid attention to Professor's anecdotes. However, she looked like she was absolutely engrossed in the lesson, so she did not earn another reprimand.
On their way to the Great Hall, Mary said, "Lily! What on earth is the matter with you? You didn't take a single note, and you didn't pay attention at all!"
"Nuh-uh. After she scolded me, I was all ears in the class."
"Don't lie to me, Lily Evans, I know an act when I see one. Your mind wasn't anywhere near transfiguration today," said Mary gravely.
Lily giggled. Maybe it was time she told Mary, after all she was her best friend in Gryffindor.
"Okay, I'll tell you, but promise you won't tell anybody, not a soul."
Mary looked around, making sure everyone was out of earshot before turning to Lily smiling gleefully, "What is it? Rather, who is it?"
"Okay, prmoise you won't shout!"
"Oh, out with it already! Why would I shout- wait.. it's not Pettigrew, is it?"
"Eew, no! But you'll be shocked anyway."
"Try me."
Lily took a deep breath, and smiled. "It's Sev."
Mary's smile flickered a bit, but she looked as if she had missed something. "No, seriously, who is it?"
Lily made a face- how typical of Mary to be the cynic! "Shut up, Mary."
Mary's eyes grew round. "OH REALLY? YOU AREN'T JOKING!" she squealed, as Lily tried to clamp she mouth shut with her hands. Almost everyone's eyes were on them now.
She smiled awkwardly, "Uhh, she won a- a bet."
Everyone shook their heads as if they were the world's biggest lunatics, but went on about their own work.
"Mary! I told you not to shout!" hissed Lily.
"Oh, but how could I not? I mean you and him... you and him... you and him!" said Mary, who looked like an emotional mother who had just found out her daughter was getting married.
Lily laughed, "I got it the first time, Mary."
Mary seemed to have recovered from her initial shock, and she dragged Lily to the library. Finding a perfect table, hidden from madam Pince's view, she sat facing Lily, ready with her arsenal of questions.
"So, since when?" she asked eagerly.
"Not long, but we have been friends since we were nine. That's almost six years now, I guess this was meant to happen sometime," said Lily, almost talking to herself.
"Does he know?"
"No! No he doesn't, but I think he feels the same way. You know how he gets all agitated he gets when James or Dirk make passes at me, don't you? But he is too reserved and shy, so I have decided to tell him this Valentine's Day," said Lily, giggling at the prospect.
"Aww, that's so romantic! Are you going to tell it in Hogsmeade? You know, in front of the whole village, declare your love?" said Mary, dramatically.
"I'm sure none of us are that big of a drama queen, Mary. I'll tell him before going to Hogsmeade, in the morning, so we can have the first official date after that."
"I am so happy for you, Lily. I know he is not a conventional choice- wait, let me finish! Even if he isn't Prince Charming, I know he loves you a lot too," said Mary.
Lily beamed at the happiness bubbling in her voice.
x x x x x x
Lily stayed up all night, fiddling with the 'roses'. She threw in a spell or two every now and then, smiled satisfactorily, but then in ten minutes felt unsure again. She had partially transfigured a bunch of gardenias to look like a bunch of red roses and one white rose. A dozen reds for passion of her love and one white for its purity... But they all smelled heavenly, like gardenias. Lily hated the scent of rose- it smelled bitter to her. She couldn't speak her heart with that! She could trust Sev to appreciate all the work she had done on the flowers for past five weeks. Yes, they would never rot, dry or fall off. She had also, with quite a lot of difficulties, written Severus' name on a small card using her wand. Not wanting to write in her own untidy handwriting, she went great lengths in mastering the InscriptoCharm.
When the first rays of daybreak played at the foot of her bed, sneaking in through the folds of the curtains, Lily got up and headed for the shower.
Lily decided to take the roses covered in a light cloth- she didn't want attract everyone's attention. Well, at least not till she has made her declaration.
She briskly walked down the steps into the Great Hall, carefully avoiding the rest of the Gryffindors. James saw her crossing the Hall, and called out, "Lily!"
Lily would have boxed him in the ear, if it came down to that to get to Sev, but Mary came to her rescue. She winked at Lily and mouthed a 'good luck' before pointing the huge posse of chirpy Sirius and James admirers towards them to create a distraction.
Lily snuck off towards the corridor that led to the Slytherin dungeon- she knew Sev would be the last one to leave for Hogsmeade on Valentine's Day. He detested the hype on which everyone else swam on this particular day. Well, not anymore, Severus Snape, thought Lily and blushed at the thoughts that were prodding her.
She was about to turn the corner, when she heard some voices. Quickly, she ran for cover behind the tapestry hanging from the wall. The voices stopped before they reached her, and she heard the clang of a door shut. Peering through the tapestry, she realized they had entered the Potions classroom. With an inkling that one of the voices may be Sev's she tiptoed towards the door, and tried to hear what they were discussing.
The voices belonged to Sev and the odious Mulciber. Lily couldn't believe the wretch was keeping her from confessing her love for Sev.
Scowling, she listened intently to catch their conversation.
"You're sure about this, aren't you, Snape?" spoke the thick voice of Mulciber.
"Yes, I am." Sev's voice was unrecognizable- so calm and cold.
"Well, the Dark Lord was impressed with your potions. He said he would gladly welcome you to the Death Eaters' ranks whenever you choose fit to. Lucius says he would personally initiate you once you pass out your O.W.L.s."
Lily felt as if the ground below her had shifted. She was amazed that she was still standing, as her knees buckled and her whole body trembled uncontrollably.
"No, I would like to complete my N. E. W. Ts too."
"What is the use of one degree or another when you will be joining the glory of the Dark Lord's army?"
"It's not the degree, I want to learn everything there is to learn about Potions. I am sure, the Dark Lord would want his supporters to be well- educated in all the arts of magic."
Tears rolled down Lily's cheek and her heart seemed to have stopped beating. She wanted to scream more than anything else, but even that strength had left her.
"Well, whatever you say, Snape. I sometimes doubt your loyalties, the way you stick to that Mudblood."
"My loyalties lie with the Dark Lord, and it's not your position to doubt it."
"The Dark Lord would not like his supporters to be associated with Mudbloods, for sure."
"I am not cozy with her. She's just someone I know, nothing more. I have no intention of being associated with her. She is just another Muggleborn, after all. An accidental entry to the wizarding world means nothing to me."
The roses slid off Lily's hand. Her ears were ringing and she felt nauseus. The walls around her vibrated, and she felt as if they would all collapse on her any moment. Just like her world had...
x x x x x x
Mulciber opened the door and walked into the deserted corridor.
"Woah, looks like everyone's in Hogsmeade wearing frills and drinking strawberry smoothie," he grimaced. Casting disgusted glance at a couple of giggling first years, he made towards the Slytherin dungeon, when something made an odd squashing sound under his feet.
"Bollocks! Who left these flowers here?" he exclaimed, picking up the now trampled roses.
Snape bent down, and picked up the few, still undamaged ones. "Strange. The roses smell like gardenias!"
"No kidding. These were left for you, Snape. That's a first for you," sniggered Mulciber, showing a card he had picked up from the bunch. Snape was surprised- his name was written with slanting letters and brandishing loops that only the perfect Inscripto Charm can accomplish.
He stood up, tossing the flowers on the ground.
"Stupid. Everyone knows my favorite is lily."
"Of course," snorted Mulciber.
x x x x x x
The moment she returned from Hogsmeade, Mary rushed to the Gryffindor girls' dormitory. She had been serving detention for returning an hour late, and everyone was in bed. But she couldn't wait to hear from Lily. She hadn't seen her and Severus in the village which meant they had their first date right here in Hogwarts. Now that she thought about it, it was better than Hogsmeade, with all the teachers off the corridors, and almost the whole school deserted.
She covered the distance between the door and Lily's bed in few steps. She knew Lily wasn't sleeping- she must be over the moon!
That is why she doubled back, when she heard her sobbing under her eiderdown. Mary gently pulled at her quilt.
"Go away!" whimpered Lily.
Lily sat on the edge of her bed. She knew how to handle this. There have been many hearts broken in the past five years, and everyone had learned to transfer their unrequited love to someone else. Lily would learn it too.
"Lily, did you eat?" she asked, as gently as a mother. "Come on, there are some pastries and treats left in the common room. We had a party there in the evening, why didn't you come?"
"I can't go back," sobbed Lily.
"There'll be many others, you know. If Severus is a git, let him be. Don't shed tears over someone who doesn't appreciate you."
Lily didn't answer her. Mary sat silently for a few minutes, then asked, "What did he say?"
"He didn't say anything. I never asked."
"What? I don't understand! Why didn't you tell him that you love him?" Mary was shocked.
Her eyes filled up with tears when Lily whispered, "I don't think he cares."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Maybe all Severus needed was to take the first step, meet her halfway. But he missed his chance. He broke her heart first. AU.
Inspired by Neruda's poem.
Written for Prompts:
"I don't think he/she cares"(Tuesday 10th August)
"I can't go back," (Wednesday 11th August)