A Silent Hero

by IndigoWerewolf

Closely follows The Stick of Truth, with my own personal touches added in. Rated M because it's South Park. Zaron and Larnion are locked in war with one another, and only one New Kid can bring peace to the land. Can she resolve the conflict between humans and elves, while still keeping the friendships she's formed among the children of South Park? Sorry if it's bad.

1. Chapter 1

Hello everyone this is IndigoWerewolf with my newest story, A Silent Hero, from the South Park video game, The Stick of Truth. Before you go on any further, I just want to apologize to all of my readers because, when I started writing my other three stories, I had no idea where I was going with them and had no clear plot in mind. In addition, I am not a very good writer and have no sense of paragraph spacing. One story I managed to tie up nicely, but the other two are still ongoing and I am currently stuck as to where to take them, and I am writing this story to try to figure out where to go with them, and to show all of the people that like my stories that I haven't given up. Rest assured, this one will have a plot, and I am trying to space my paragraphs better, so without further ado, I do not own TSOT or South Park, and let's read!

"Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard. For a thousand years this battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human's most treasured relic – the Stick of Truth. But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a 'new' kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid – before the drow elves can manipulate his mind and USE him, to take the sacred relic from human hands. For whomever controls the Stick… controls the universe…"

I jerked awake in my seat, my dream of elves and humans already fading from my mind as I panted, trying to recover from being woken so suddenly. I looked out the car window to see that we had just arrived at our new home, a two-story red house with a garage next to it. I yawned silently, and seeing that it was still nighttime through the window, closed my eyes and drifted back into dreamland, my ears burning like someone was talking about me.

I woke up again, in a bed this time, with my Terrance and Phillip pajamas on.

'My mom must have carried me into my room.' I thought to myself.

I got out of bed and put on my glasses, which were large and nerdy, and got dressed in my usual clothes, a dark purple T-shirt with a white skull in the center and black pants and shoes, finding four dollars and thirty-four cents in my pocket, then ran my fingers through my (natural) cotton-candy blue hair in a vain effort to straighten it, then looked in the mirror to check my appearance. My hair was a mess from not having an opportunity to straighten or comb it for a few days, and the pale skin of my face was marred only by a scar on the left side, and a small cut on the right, which looked fresh. Figuring my mom had probably bumped me against a railing or something, I put a Band-Aid on it and looked around my new room, not having a lot of time as I could faintly hear my parents talking.

I pressed my ear to the door to hear what they were saying, and could just make out their conversation.

"Well, I think that's everything." I could hear my dad's voice say.

My mom then replied with, "We did it, hon, we're really moved in!"

My dad then told her, "It's a new beginning for us. Things are finally going to be good!"

However, my mom asked him, "Do you really think it will be better for… him?"

Sighing without a noise in relief at the close call, there was a pause in my parent's conversation as I felt their eyes boring into me through the walls, until my dad said, "They won't look for him here. We just need to make sure he doesn't draw any attention to himself. Come on, let's see how he's doing."

As I heard my parent's footsteps come up the stairs, I quickly moved back to the bed so that they wouldn't know I had been eavesdropping, and turned back to the door just as my mother knocked on it, and my mom asked, "Sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?"

Not responding, knowing they would come in anyway, the door opened, showing both my parents standing there with concerned looks on their faces. Almost immediately, my dad asked me, "Hey champ. How do you like your new room?!"

My eyes scanned the room, seeing that it was large but sparsely furnished, and my dad didn't wait for a reply before telling me, "I know it's a big change for all of us, but… son, do you REMEMBER why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?"

I stared at him with a deadpan look, thinking to myself, 'It only happened three weeks ago dipshit, how could I NOT remember?' Oblivious to my mental sarcasm, my father quietly said to my mother, "He doesn't remember."

Going along with the act, my mother quickly whispered back, "He doesn't remember at all."

"That's good. That's good he doesn't remember." Was my father's response, again spoken quickly and in a semi-hushed voice.

As I mentally face-palmed at my dad's stupidity, my mom told me, "Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?"

Almost immediately, my father told me, "Right, get outside and PLAY, son. Like… like normal kids."

My mom told me, "We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just… be back before it gets dark."

I simply stared at them both some more, and my dad put his hands up and sarcastically told me, "Yeah, we love you too."

He then left the room, but Mom stayed, making sure Dad was gone before she walked over and sat on my bed, me doing the same next to her, seeing that she wanted to talk to me in private. She looked nervous as she told me, "Sweetie, I know you don't want him to know just yet, but maybe you should consider telling him."

I looked at her directly in the eye, knowing what she was talking about, and mentally told her, 'He already treats me differently Mom, the last thing I want right now is him being weirded out by me even more.'

Although I knew she didn't receive my exact words, she did get my meaning and replied to me, "He has a right to know sweetie, and you know you can't keep it from him forever. And will it really be that bad, him knowing that you're a girl?"

That's right, I'm a girl. My dad doesn't know, as my mom took on all of my care when I was a baby, and I purposefully kept it from him as he already acted like I was a mental patient. I silently told my mother, 'I will tell him someday, but not now. Just give me a little time, okay?'

Sensing my meaning, my mother smiled and told me, "Okay, but don't wait too long, okay?"

I smiled and nodded, and she left the room. I went to follow her before I remembered something, and opened my closet to see my backpack, and pulled a baseball card and fifty cents out of it. I then left the room, exploring the house a bit, picking up the money mom had left on the counter along with a few pieces of junk and some change, and a wig styled into pigtails for some reason, before Dad chased me out of the house, firmly telling me, "It wasn't a REQUEST, it was a COMMAND. Now get out there and MAKE SOME FRIENDS!"

After the door had been slammed, I stuck my tongue out at my Dad, exploring the garage for a bit before deciding I might as well try to make friends in this new town and walked down the street to the right, seeing a blonde boy in a strange costume tell another boy, "You shall die by my warhammer, drow elf!"

The second boy, dressed in bluish green ranger clothes with a feathered cap and fake pointed ears, replied angrily, "Nuh uh."

The blonde, who I could see was holding a ball-peen hammer, exclaimed, "I banish thee to the forest realm!"

The boy in ranger clothes told him, "No way, I banished you first!" He then exclaimed, "Ha HA! You can't hold out much longer."

The blonde then parroted, "HELP! I can't hold out much longer! HEEEELP!"

The ranger boy then started wailing on the blonde with a wooden dagger, and after I got over my shock, I walked up to him and turned him around, then hit him in the forehead.

At my attack, the ranger told me, "Hey, no fair. That's cheating. I'm gonna tell my mom."

He then ran off, leaving me alone with the blonde kid, who came up to me and said, "Thanks, kid. I didn't realize he had a health potion."

Looking at the blonde's clothes, a teal shirt and pants with a gold shield on the front along with a navy blue cape, and gold gloves and a gold circlet with a purplish gem in the center on his head, it all made sense now. Those two had been playing a game, one I had interrupted, but before I could try and figure out a way to apologize, the blonde told me, "My- my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin."

Butters then continued, "I live right next door to you! We should be friends!"

He then gave me a warm smile, which I returned, nonverbally accepting his offer, and I heard an alert come from my phone. I pulled it out to see that Butters had sent me a Facebook friend request, which I accepted, but my heart sank as I read over my profile, and seeing that it showed me as a boy, I mentally asked myself, 'Why did Dad have to make my new profile?'

Moving on from the error, I saw that Butters had posted a message on my page, saying, "Hey, everybody! There's a new kid playing with us, and me and him are friends! That way nobody picks on him."

I didn't let Butters see my despair as I put my phone away, and he told me, "Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival!"

Butters took a few steps down the street, then told me, "The wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there."

He then proceeded to lead me down the sidewalk towards the house he had pointed out, asking me a few questions that I didn't answer. 'Not that I could.' I thought to myself sadly.

I didn't let Butters see my sadness again, and once we had reached the green house next to Butters', he turned to me and asked, "You don't talk much, do you?"

Giving him an apologetic smile, I shook my head no, but it didn't seem to faze the young paladin as he smiled and told me, "Well that's okay, I can talk for both of us!"

He then walked up the steps to the door and knocked on it, then stepped back down. After a moment, the door opened to reveal a really fat kid with a second chin wearing a dark pink bathrobe that had a teal belt with a pouch on it, and a pointed teal hat with a gold ring on the rim and a gold star on it that had a smiley face in the center, and dark yellow gloves, holding a stick with a big knob at the top. Once he had opened the door, Butters turned around and exclaimed to no one in particular, "All hail the Grand Wizard!"

The fat boy, who Butters whispered to me was named Eric Cartman, said to me, "So, you are the New Kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King."

Cartman then continued, "But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom."

He then led me through his living room and kitchen, passing his mom who apparently wasn't part of the game, then opened the back door to reveal his backyard. Once there, I caught my breath. "Welcome… to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!" Cartman told me, and I looked over the backyard in surprise.

It had been fully converted into a fortress, with a huge cardboard castle at the far end, a tent beneath the cardboard towers, a stand with a banner that read 'Armory', a set of stables with a grey cat in it, and a few other things made to look like something out of a fantasy novel. Cartman walked up to the Armory and told me, "Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level fourteen warrior."

He then gestured to the kid standing there, who was wearing a huge lopsided metal helmet that exposed a little bit of brown hair, a red shirt and brown pants, and blue gloves and a blue cape, with scissors tucked into his belt. Cartman then walked over to the stables, and gestured to a boy petting the cat who had his tongue hanging out of his mouth, a black headband, a green shirt and blue pants, a dark green cape, and a grey bandolier with syringes and phials of white liquid duct-taped to it, and told me, "Here you can see our massive stables. Overseen by the level nine ranger… Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes."

I raised my eyebrow at the words, "Power of diabetes." But Cartman moved on to the last person in the yard, a girl with blonde hair and a gold crown, wearing a purple and white dress over an orange coat that concealed her face, and I inwardly smiled as I realized it wasn't a total sausage fest, but was quickly corrected as he told me, "And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom."

I was still wondering what Kenny could be short for when Cartman leaned in and whispered, "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now…"

I cried mentally as I realized that not only would I be the only girl in the game, but that the others didn't even know it, and saw a lone Daffodil at the corner of the yard, and, deciding to try something, walked over and picked it, then presented it to Kenny, who giggled and said something in a falsetto voice that I couldn't quite make out due to his coat. I then went up to both Clyde and Scott, and learned that not only did Cartman give them lines, but withheld snacks from them if they didn't stick to them. As I walked up to Cartman, I noticed that all three of them had sent me friend requests, which I accepted.

Once I had reached him, Cartman explained to me, "You have been sought out, New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very excited. It's time for your first quest, but first, please tell us thy name."

I simply stared at him, not responding, but after a moment, he asked me cheekily, "You entered 'Douchebag.' Is that correct?"

I stared at him blankly and shook my head no, thinking to myself, 'Douchebag? Really?'

Disregarding my response, Cartman smiled slightly and asked me, "Are you sure you want to keep the name 'Douchebag?'"

I shook my head more vigorously, but once again ignoring me, Cartman said, "Very well, Douchebag. You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew."

Butters then pulled out four small mannequins from behind the castle, each with a different costume on them, labeled with the classes he had told me. Since I wasn't Jewish I ruled the fourth one out right away, and after a moment's deliberation, picked the Mage class, since I liked the idea of being able to use magic, even if it was just pretend. Before I knew it, I was dressed in a silver circlet, a silver ring, and a light blue bathrobe with a dark blue shirt and brown pants. I was puzzled as to how they had gotten on me without my notice, but since none of the others looked particularly shocked I figured it wasn't one of them who had changed me and decided to ask Butters later.

Cartman then exclaimed, "We welcome to our kingdom Douchebag the Mage."

Butters then let out a, "Hooray!" Seemingly to make me feel better about being named Douchebag. Meanwhile, Cartman told me, "Now, please go and visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight!"

Walking up to Clyde, he asked me, "Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler. Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars?"

Deciding against the tips and rumors, I shook my head, and Clyde handed me a stick and told me, "The Grand Wizard has instructed me to present you with this Magic Wand. That'll be two thirty-four."

I rolled my eyes but gave him the money anyway, and started to look over his other wares before he whispered to me, "You'd better get back to the Wizard. He doesn't like to wait for too long."

I nodded and smiled in thanks, then walked up to Cartman, stick in hand, and looked down at it, thinking, 'This is a twig.'

Once I had walked up to him, Cartman told me, "Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight – beat up Clyde."

He pointed to the warrior with the last part, and I raised my eyebrow at him, starting to dislike the fat child, as Clyde asked, "What?!"

Cartman then urged me, "Kick Clyde's ass, New Kid."

Clyde asked him, "What'd I do?!"

Cartman then turned to him and responded, "I'm the KING, Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused." He turned back to me and told me, "Go on, New Kid, kick his ass."

Clyde sighed and walked to the ring of rope in front of the castle, and I shrugged and walked to the opposite side facing him. Clyde then looked to me with an irritated expression and told me, "I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Cartman however, told him, "Clyde, you have to wait your turn!"

Clyde apparently didn't like that, as he told the fat wizard, "That's lame."

Cartman then replied to him, "No, Clyde, it's like olden times. You have to wait your turn. Like in the Middle Ages, Clyde! I know it's lame, but that's how we're fucking doing it!"

He then told me, "Alright Douchebag, bash Clyde's face in! Don't be shy."

Looking at Clyde standing at his side of the 'arena' I shrugged and thought to myself, 'I guess combat is turn-based in this game.'

Clyde then held his sword in front of him defensively, and I ran up to him and hit him lightly twice with my stick, and I could strangely tell I had dealt some damage, despite not seeing any visible injuries, however I could also tell that it wasn't much. At my assault, Cartman commented, "Oh hell yeah! Clyde's your bitch!"

He then explained to me, "All right, Clyde's wearing armor. In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can."

Running up to Clyde, I did a pirouette and slammed my twig as hard as I could in his face, doing about the same amount of damage as I had with my first attack, and looked down at the stick, surprised it hadn't broken. Once I had retreated, Cartman remarked, "Oh shit, dude, I think I see blood! Fucking nice, brah! That's exactly what you do to guys with armor like that."

He then explained to me, "Okay, listen up. The key to surviving in battle is to not get hit in the balls. Clyde, it's your turn to attack. Douchebag, protect your balls!"

I smiled inwardly, amused at his words, and as Clyde ran towards me, yelling, "Prepare yourself." I blocked his attack with my twig, feeling a bit damaged despite the unsuccessful attack. Shrugging off the strange sensation, I thought to myself, 'So blocking only lessens damage, it doesn't prevent it.'

Cartman then told me, "Yes! You're already way better at this than Clyde. All right, it is time to use your heroic powers. Using your abilities takes power points, or PP for short."

Clyde then chuckled and said to himself, "PP…"

This seemed to aggravate Cartman, as he told Clyde, "IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER NAME FOR THEM THEN FUCKING SAY IT, CLYDE! FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M THE KING, AND I SAY IT'S PP!"

He then pointed at me and said, "Douchebag, use your Mage abilities to make Clyde pay for insulting the King!"

I didn't know what he was talking about at first, but as I rummaged through the pockets of my bathrobe, I found a lighter and a Roman Candle. I have no idea how I hadn't noticed the explosive before, or how it fit in my pocket, but I shrugged and lit the firework, then rushed at Clyde and sprayed it at him, dealing a massive amount of damage and setting him on fire in the process. Once I had finished, I somehow could tell that something besides my health had depleted, presumably my PP.

I panicked and was about to go over to help, but before I could, Cartman told me, "Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Douchebag. Now… do it one more time. Finish him!"

Hearing this, Clyde asked in disbelief, "What? I was going easy. Take this, New Kid!"

He then ran at me, ignoring his flaming helmet, telling me, "This is unblockable!" As he ran at me. Despite his claim, I blocked both strikes with my twig, only sustaining minor damage. Unfortunately, he remembered that he was on fire once he got back to his spot, and started running around in place trying to put it out.

Thinking fast, I took out my Roman Candle again, which somehow was still usable, and lit it, then ran at Clyde and sprayed him in the face with it, the two sources of fire choking each other out and extinguishing him. I sighed in relief as he was defeated, but felt bad as he started to sob.

Before I could apologize however, Cartman burst out laughing, telling me, "Ha ha haaa! Dude that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was all like 'AHGHG NOO!' Ha ha ahaaa!"

Clyde picked himself up and started dusting himself off as Cartman composed himself and told me, "Okay, okay. You've proved yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic."

As Cartman led me into the castle, I looked over my shoulder to see that Clyde's burns were currently being treated by Butters, and smiled as I knew he would be okay. I entered the tent below the castle and Cartman told me, "Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die…The Stick of Truth."

On a marble pedestal, sitting on a red cushion, and with a lamp shining brightly on it, was…a stick. An ordinary stick, a tad thicker than the one I held, and with a small branch that had been almost sawed off. I looked at it awkwardly for a second before Cartman explained, "Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe."

I thought to myself, 'Okay, so whichever side has the Stick, gets to make the rules in this game?' My thoughts were interrupted by Cartman however, who looked away from the Stick and told me, "Don't gaze at it for too long! For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!"

At that, Cartman began leading me out of the tent, telling me, "Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible-"

Before I could give him my best 'Really?' look, I heard Butters' voice exclaiming, "ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!"

Stating the obvious, Cartman said, "Someone has sounded the alarm!"

Just then, Butters entered the tent in a panic, still shouting, "Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!"

"What is it?" Cartman demanded, and Butters told him, "The elves are attacking!"

At this, Cartman took on a panicked look and shouted, "Oh my God! Defensive positions!"

He then rushed out of the tent, and I followed him to see that he was giving orders, "Man the gate! Don't let them through!" I looked to the fence to see that a large number of kids had gathered at it, all wearing fake pointed ears, and a blonde kid in the front shouted, "Give us the Stick, humans!"

Cartman then replied to the boy, telling him, "Fuck you, drow elf! Come and get it!"

He then turned to Clyde, who was somehow already healed, and told him, "CLYDE! GUARD THE STICK OF TRUTH WHILE WE DEFEND THE FORTRESS!"

At his response of, "Aye aye!" Cartman looked at him quizzically and told him, "Aye aye? We're not playing PIRATES, Clyde!"

He then turned to me and told me, "Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. HOLD OFF THE ASSHOLE ELVES AT ALL COSTS!"

Looking around the yard, I saw that the elves had already defeated Scott Malkinson, who was on the ground motionless while an elf kicked him. My main focus however, was on Butters, who was struggling in a battle against an elf, and Cartman wasn't helping with his cries of, "Butters! BUTTERS! You're LOSING! STOP LOSING!"

Butters replied, "But I don't wanna make 'em feel bad!"

As the elf swung his sword down at a prone Butters' face, I dove and intercepted it with my Magic Wand aka twig, and took on a fighting stance as the elf jumped back. Seeing this, another elf came to join the fray, this one holding a plastic bow and arrow. From the sidelines, Cartman urged me, "Do it, Douchebag. Kick these elves' asses!"

The first elf took on a blocking stance, and the second quickly pulled back an arrow and shot it at me before I could block, giving me a bruise on my cheek and dealing a good chunk of damage as I glared at him. Seeing this, Cartman told me, "You're wounded, Douchebag! Potions will heal you! Here!"

He then tossed me a bag of Cheesy Poofs, which I caught, and looked at him curiously. Seeing him urge me on, I shrugged and ate a few of the Poofs from the bag, saving the rest for later. Strangely, I felt completely healed, and when I looked down at my cheek, the bruise was gone, as was all the damage I had taken. Cartman told me, "The rules say you can have one potion every turn. I asked for five but this was a compromise." I decided to roll with it and shifted my focus back to the battle.

He then pointed at the guarding elf and told me, "This guy's fast, Douchebag. Try to block all his attacks."

The elf shouted, "Suck it!" As me as he rushed at me, and sure enough, he was fast, but I managed to block both his attacks. After I did however, he fell to the ground and dropped his sword, then sat there for a moment, looking over his shoulder at me as if waiting for something. Feeling a bit uncomfortable with the position he was in, I looked to Cartman, who told me, "Okay, if you block all the attacks you get a counterattack."

Understanding now, I looked to the boy as Cartman told me, "Look at your enemy on the ground, weak and helpless. KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!"

Shrugging, I goosed him with my twig, causing him to lurch forward and retrieve his sword, then run back to his spot. Cartman told me, "Awesome! You kicked his helpless ass. Now finish off these elves in the name of the Wizard King."

I quickly dispatched the Archer Elf with two light strikes, then blocked both attacks and performed a counterattack from the remaining elf, and did another heavy strike against him, ending the battle, prompting a, "Great job, Douchebag!" From Cartman.

I looked to him to see that Butters was hiding behind Cartman's back, and by now it was clear neither he nor Kenny had any intention of helping me, so I simply sighed silently and went over to the elf beating up Scott Malkinson to defend my new comrade, but I then saw Butters gesturing wildly to the fallen elf's plastic bow, and so I walked over and picked it, then looked to Butters for confirmation, who smiled and gave me a thumbs up. I nodded and smiled back, then went over to the fallen human once more and hit his attacker lightly with the Magic Twig.

Again, an elven archer joined the fray, this time standing behind his ally, who did a strange maneuver with his sword, switching it to his other hand and holding it like a fencer would as the elf launched an arrow at me, which I blocked. From the sidelines, Cartman told me, "What are you waiting for Douchebag? Go kick his ass."

I could sense something strange about his tone, but couldn't place it, and so went up to the elven swordsman for a heavy attack, but was repelled and received some damage. Surprised, I moved back to my spot as Cartman laughed and told me, "Hahaha! Aw, man, he was totally waiting for you, dude. You can't just hit him like that."

I glared at the boy, angry at being tricked, but he didn't get the message as he told me, "You need to try a different tactic to damage him. Look at that archer, hiding behind his friend like a wuss. Switch to your arrows, Douchebag. Snipe that little bitch."

Now realizing why Butters had told me to pick up the bow, I unslung it from its place on my back and pulled an arrow from the quiver, then held it at a ready stance as I waited for instructions, which Cartman gave as he told me, "Sweet, now you can hit the guy in the back. Go for the pink mist!"

Not knowing what he meant by "Pink mist" I simply drew back my arrow as far as the flimsy string would allow and let it fly, knocking out the archer and prompting Cartman to tell him, "Yeah, bitch! That's what you get for fucking with the Wizard King."

I then looked to my other opponent to see that he was now holding his sword like a baseball bat, and Cartman warned me, "Careful Douchebag! That guy's ready for your arrows now. You gotta try something else."

Quickly, I pulled my twig from my belt and initiated two light attacks toward him, dealing massive damage. He didn't respond however, still blocking a ranged assault, so I shrugged and simply attacked again, this time pirouetting into a heavy attack and felling him, prompting Cartman to congratulate me with another, "Great job, Douchebag!"

I scanned the yard for more elves and saw that a third one was engaged in combat with the cat from the stables. I went over to them, but before I reached them, Butters pointed towards a pouch on the fallen elf's belt, so I went back over and pulled it off, causing Butters to give me another thumbs up.

Curious, I looked inside to see a few random items and a little change, and I realized it must be loot. I shrugged and thought, 'To the victor go the spoils I suppose.' I discarded the pouch and put the junk in my pockets, which were seemingly bottomless, and went over to the elf assaulting the cat. Hitting him in the head, another elf joined the brawl once again, this one with a green bike helmet and a brick duct-taped to a stick. I looked over my opponents and realized that they were far better equipped than the ones I had faced before, but I had no time to come up with a plan of action as Cartman told me, "Let's do this, Douchebag."

The elf with the brick-hammer got in the melee-repelling stance, which Butters mouthed to me was called "Riposting" while his fellow pulled out a shield made from small boards and tape and held it in front of him defensively. Seeing this, Cartman told me, "Okay, that guy has a shield. Shields are super weak. Just hit them with your simplest hit over and over again to wear them down quickly.

Doing as he advised, I rushed the defending elf and hit him with two light attacks, breaking his shield and doing no damage with the first, and striking him directly with the second, knocking him down and defeating him.

Cartman congratulated me, "Hell yeah, that's how you do it." He then told me, "The other elf let his guard down! Now's your chance. Power Attack his armor!"

I looked to my second opponent to see that he indeed was done Riposting and was waiting for me to do something, and so I went up to him and Power Attacked him as hard as I could, dealing a moderate amount of damage as Cartman told me, "That's it! Now finish him!"

The elf came up to me and swung his hammer downwards, which I blocked and counterattacked, then gave him another Power Attack, dealing more damage to him. I blocked another attack and counterattacked, almost defeating him, which I did a second later with one last Power Attack, causing all of the elves to retreat as their leader shouted, "DROW ELVES! FALL BACK! FALL BACK I SAY!"

As the elves retreated, Cartman taunted after them, "YES! Awesome, dude! TAKE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! NA NA NAAAA NA! WE STILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! HA HA HA HAAAA HA!"

His celebration was cut short however, by Clyde emerging from the war tent/castle and telling the chubby Wizard, "It's gone."

Cartman abruptly stopped celebrating and looked to Clyde, asking him, "What?" In disbelief.

Reluctantly, Clyde told the boy, "The Stick of Truth. The elves got it."

Pausing for a moment, Butters, Scott, and I all stepped back as Cartman laid into the boy, "THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!"

He stepped back and looked down, seemingly trying to think of a punishment, and looked back up as he thought of one and delivered it, telling Clyde, "Clyde… you are hereby BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!"

I raised my eyebrow in shock at the harsh punishment, and Clyde seemed to think it was overkill too as he exclaimed, "What?! NO! You can't do that!"

Cartman, still pissed off, told him in response, "Yeah I can! You're banished, and lost in time and space!"

Butters backed up his King, telling the helmeted boy, "Yeah! Go home, Clyde!" However, immediately after he gave the boy an apologetic look, signaling that he couldn't do anything and was merely obeying Cartman.

Cartman then turned to me as Clyde walked off and told me, "You fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag."

Scott Malkinson walked up to the spot Clyde had just vacated and agreed with him, saying, "Yeah, this New Kid may be a douchebag but he sure can fight!"

Cartman then told Scott nonchalantly, "Shut up Scott, no one cares what you think. Anyways, we have a bigger problem now!"

I thought to myself, 'Bigger than what? Nobody mentioned a second problem.' As Cartman told me, "The Stick of Truth has been stolen, and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back."

Butters interjected, telling Cartman, "But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my king!"

Cartman responded to the blonde boy, "Our newest member can take care of that!"

He then turned to me and pulled me away, telling me, "Douchebag, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my three greatest warriors. Token, Tweek, and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now…"

I heard an alert on my phone, and opened my messages to see pictures of the three boys Cartman had told me about, along with their houses' locations. I put my phone away as Cartman told me, "But beware… the lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now go! And send my warriors here!"

He then told Butters, "Butters, go with him!"

Cartman then walked back into the war tent as I got another alert on my phone, telling me that I had leveled up to level two. I opened my Facebook profile to see that it confirmed the information, even having an experience bar that was currently empty. I also saw a tab marked "Abilities" And saw a list of five powers, three of which I hadn't unlocked yet. One was the trick with the Roman Candle, which I saw was named "Dragon's Breath" And another was called "Dust of Dreams" I looked in my robe to see that I did have a little pouch of sand, which according to the screen, would stun my opponent. I saw that I could upgrade one of them, so I chose Dragon's Breath, increasing its damage.

Butters then told me, "Come on, we should get some equipment for our quest." He then led me to the Armory, which was now being manned by Scott Malkinson.

Scott greeted me, saying, "Guess I'm minding the shop now. You need any weapons or armor?"

I looked over the weapons and armor for sale, noticing that Clyde's helmet was among it, and picked out a better wand called the "Lightning Wand". I gave him two dollars for it, and held it in my hand, watching the electricity spark off it. I then looked back to the stand, noticing some stickers and patches. I picked one up curiously, and Scott told me, "Those are Weapon Strap-Ons and Equipment Patches. The Strap-Ons give special benefits to your weapons, and the Patches are for your armor." I shrugged and bought a sticker shaped like a lit match for two dollars, which would supposedly allow me to deal fire damage with the Lightning Wand.

I tried to stick it on, but Butters stopped me, telling me, "You have to be level three or above to equip that."

I shrugged and put it in my pocket, then sold Scott my Magic Twig, along with all of the junk I had accumulated along the course of my journey, bringing my savings up to sixteen dollars and thirty-six cents. I then went to leave the yard, but before I did I noticed a strange orange flag with a bike horn taped to it. Curious, I honked the horn, causing the flag to raise to the top, and Butters explained to me, "That's a fast-travel point. If you activate it, Timmy can take you there anytime you want."

I nodded in understanding and went back into Cartman's house, getting a friend request from his mom along with some junk I found looking around, including the key to his garage. On the way out, I saw a post from Kenny on Facebook telling people to like if they thought he was the fairest maiden in all the kingdom. I saw that it already had fifteen likes, and a comment from Cartman saying he didn't have to keep doing that. Shrugging it off, I dyed my shirt purple with the dye I found and went into Cartman's garage.

Before I could unlock the door, I got a message from Clyde on Facebook, telling me, "Fuck you, New Kid! Things were going fine until you showed up. I'll get you back for this, I swear!"

Raising my eyebrow in shock, I asked myself mentally, 'What did I do?'

Seeing my face, Butters told me, "Don't worry about it Douchebag. Clyde'll forget all about it soon."

I sighed and put my phone away, getting a bad feeling for a moment before it was gone. Shrugging it off, I unlocked Cartman's garage, taking some dye and a fake beard, along with a Pengin Chinpokomon. Seeing it, Butters told me, "Those are Holy Icons from the Orient. Legend has it that he who can collect enough will be rewarded…"

I snickered silently at Butters' explanation, and figured as long as I was playing, I might as well see how many I could collect, and even found a Chu-chu Nezumi in a tree by Butters' house. He introduced me to his unofficial squire and his parents once we went inside, who all sent me friend requests. Once I had accepted all of them, I got an alert saying I had a new perk. I opened the Perk tab to see a bunch of different icons, each representing a perk that could help me in combat. I chose the "Mauler" perk, increasing my weapon damage, and saw I needed five more friends for the next one.

"We should get back to the quest at hand, my lord." Butters told me, and I smiled apologetically and checked my map to see who was closest to us. I saw that Craig's house was just down the street, so we left the house, after picking up some junk and a Monkay Chinpokomon, and set off down the street. In Butters' garage, I found a pair of bear gloves that I had to be level four to equip.

Coming to a barrier at the end of the street, I knocked it down with my Lightning Wand and moved on, seeing that there was another fast-travel point. I honked it and suddenly heard horses coming, but after a moment I saw that it was just a kid in an electric wheelchair with a tape recorder taped to it, along with a wagon behind him and a stuffed horse in front. He yelled, "Timmy!" As he pulled up, and Butters explained to me that Timmy could only say his name.

Timmy showed me a map with all of his fast-travel points, but the only one I could go to right now was back to Cartman's house, so I declined and the boy went off again. Continuing down the street, I didn't get five feet before four elves burst out of a snowman and took on fighting stances. Butters and I did the same as the boys shouted taunts at me, the first telling me, "These lands hold many dangers, New Kid!"

The second backed up his friend, telling me, "Yeah, you moved to the wrong realm!"

I was infuriated by the third's comment however, who told me, "Nice hair, douchebag." Sarcastically.

Glaring at him, I had no time to take revenge as the first elf who had spoken rushed at me. I blocked his attack and initiated a counterattack, dealing some damage. The elf who had commented on my hair increased his armor, telling me, "Die asshole!" Before he ran at me and swung with a hammer.

I blocked the attack, along with his second one, and counterattacked, taking down his shield by one. Seeing the damage I had taken, Butters turned to me and said, "You're hurt! This looks like a job for Paladin Butters!"

He then went up to me and patted me on the back, telling me, "Yeah, that's it, little buddy."

I was surprised at first, but smiled at the kind words, and indeed felt like the damage had been reversed. However, the act seemed to tire Butters as he said, "Hoo, I'm beat. I better wait a turn before I do any more healing."

He then went up to the first elf and held his hammer in the air for a bit, before knocking him in the head with it, defeating him and prompting me to wince at the strike. Before I could react however, the last elf nocked two arrows and shot them at me in an arc. I couldn't block them, and the fishhooks taped to them sliced my flesh, causing me to hiss and clutch my arm as I mentally shouted, 'Barbed Arrows!'

Seeing my blood drip to the ground, Butters exclaimed, "Hey look, you're bleeding!"

I examined the cuts and saw that they were long but not deep, and would probably heal after a few minutes. Butters however, threw me a bottle of water and told me, "It looks bad. Here, take some of this magic cure potion!"

Looking down at the water, I hesitated for a moment before Butters gestured for me to drink it, which I did, shrugging my shoulders. Looking down at my cuts, I saw that the blood had stopped and they even looked a bit fainter. I looked down at my arm in shock, and thought to myself, 'Okay, Butters and I need to have a serious talk later.' I had no time to ponder it further however, as Butters told me, "Make sure you always carry a few potions with you. Just don't get grounded for raiding the apothecary's pantry like I did."

With my wound healed, I rushed the elf with a shield and hit him with two light attacks, demolishing his defense. I then hit him with a third attack, as my Lightning Wand apparently has three, shocking him and dealing a good amount of damage. An elf in a robe then threw flowers over himself and the other two, and Butters gasped as he told me, "That's Wild Power, now their attack has gone up!"

I looked to the elves to see that their weapons were all tinged red, and the archer shot his Barbed Arrows at Butters. He blocked them both but still got cut, and guzzled the other bottle of water after blocking an attack by the elf who had previously held a shield. He then went up to the elf who had buffed his friends and yelled, "By the hammer of Butters!"

He then spun around in a circle for a bit before nailing the robed elf in the head with his hammer, and I winced and turned my head as he was defeated. Butters didn't seem to have any remorse for it, saying, "That was the most perfect throw I've ever seen!" He then picked his hammer back up and went back to his spot.

Seeing that it was once again my turn, I glared at the elf who had insulted my hair and went up to him, pulling my Dream Dust out of my pocket. I threw a handful in the elf's face, and, seeing that it had no effect, thought to myself, 'Fuck it.' And simply socked him in the face, dazing him as he stood with his hands on the ground and his eyes closed. The archer launched two arrows at Butters, who blocked both and pulled a small Chocolate from his pocket, apparently a Healing Potion, eating it and restoring his health. He then walked up to the prone elf in the robe and smashed his hammer down on the boy's hand, causing him to shoot up and say, "I don't wanna play anymore!" As he left.

Surprised at Butters' cruelty, I shrugged as I sprayed the insulting elf with my Dragon's Breath attack, dealing a lot of damage and almost defeating him as his head caught on fire. The archer shot two more arrows at Butters, who barely blocked them, and the elf I had hit with Dragon's Breath succumbed to his wounds and fell down. Seeing this, Butters went up to the now defenseless archer and hit him with his hammer, causing him to run away as he was defeated. Butters seemed disappointed however, as he said, "Aw, I wanted to show mercy."

In disbelief, I looked to him with a raised eyebrow, then pointed at the elf whose hand he had smashed, and looked at him with a questioning look. Sensing the meaning, Butters shuffled his feet and told me, "Well, I didn't wanna hit the other guy, since you seemed kinda pissed at him and wanted to do it yourself."

Now understanding his actions, I smiled and went up to the Paladin and hugged him in thanks, surprising the boy. Butters got over it quickly however, and hugged me back with a smile on his face. After a moment, we separated and looted the fallen elves, then continued on our journey to Craig's house. We looted some garages along the way, and accidently walking in on a woman checking herself out in the mirror. I received and accepted a friend request from a girl who claimed to be faster messaging on Facebook than speaking, and another one from a boy hiding in Clyde's garage, where I also found a bear crown, which I also couldn't equip until level four.

Finally reaching Craig's house, I opened the front door to see a balding man in a blue shirt, who, seeing my robe, told me, "Ya lookin' for Craig? Well, he can't play. He's in detention. Something about flippin' off the principal."

He then shut the door, and Butters told me, "We better get to the other guys first."

Going further down the street, I unlocked another fast-travel spot, and got a quest from a kid in a Vulcan costume to get his dad's iPad from the church. After promising him I would via Butters, I looted his house of junk and change and moved on, accidently walking in on some guy masturbating to a porno. He screamed and shut the door the same as the woman had, and I fast-traveled to the spot of the ambush by the South Park sign, as it was closer to Token's house. Butters and I went into the town proper, greeting a police officer in sunglasses who Butters teased, "Hey, Officer Buttbaby!"

The policeman corrected him, "That's Buttbrady! Wait…"

I then got a friend request from the officer, learning that his name was Barbrady, and went into the building labeled, "Tom's Rhinoplasty" As Butters had told me they had face-paint. Walking inside, I went up to the receptionist, who handed me a brochure with all of the office's procedures. I simply bought a pattern for some tribal face paint however, prompting a friend request from the receptionist, named Sharon Marsh, who told me, "I'll add you to our e-mail list. Sometimes we do two-for-one specials!"

I disregarded the statement and looked to the picture of the pattern, but before I could start to apply it, Butters commented, "I don't know, I think you have a NICE nose. I would worry more about your hair if I was you."

At Butters' words, my blood turned to ice. The sweet, caring boy who had befriended me when he barely knew me, introducing me to his game, had just touched on the biggest sore spot I had. Sensing this, Butters came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder, asking me, "Hey, are you o-" Before he could finish however, I ran out the door of the doctor's office in tears, simply running, trying to get away from all of the past insults that were echoing in my head. My chest heaved with silent sobs as my vision blurred with tears, and I didn't pay attention to my surroundings as I simply ran, running even faster as I heard Butters chasing me. I didn't stop until I reached a pond with a sign labeling it, "Stark's Pond" I didn't pay any attention to the name however, as I collapsed and curled up on the bench on my side with my head buried in my knees, my chest heaving with sobs despite my throat making no noise. I sat there for a while, simply crying, until Butters ran up to me, huffing and puffing until he had regained his breath.

"Douchebag, what was all that about?" Butters asked me, but I looked to him only for a second before returning to crying. Butters got a thoughtful look on his face as he said to himself, "That other kid…" He then got a face that suggested a light bulb had just went off above his head and asked me, "You don't like it when people talk about your hair?" I glared at him for stating the obvious, tears still spilling from my eyes, causing him to back up defensively, before asking me, "Well, what's the matter? How come it upsets you so much?" I turned my head away, not wanting to explain it to him, but Butters wasn't deterred as he came closer and told me, "Come on, you can tell me."

Sighing as I realized I wouldn't be able to explain this with a look, I sat up straight and pulled out my phone, then turned on the speech app, typing as the speaker said in a monotone, "My hair isn't this color because I dye it. It grows naturally this way, and at my old school, the other kids always made fun of me because of it. They would call me a freak every day, and once, a group of boys even physically assaulted me, yelling at me and calling me a monster the entire time." Butters gasped at my phone's words, and I continued with my explanation, "It got so bad that I had to move to a different school, not this one, it was before I moved here, and my parents had to talk to the new principal to make sure none of the other kids made fun of me. It still hurt when people talk about it, though, and after a while, I got really sensitive about it, and now I get really upset when people say anything negative about it."

Butters got a remorseful look on his face, and hopped onto the bench and put his arm around me, holding me close as he told me, "I'm real sorry, Douchebag. I wasn't talking about the color or anything, I just meant 'cuz it's really messy and all." Smiling up at him to let him know he was forgiven, I snuggled into his side and merely enjoyed the contact for a moment, closing my eyes as I calmed down in Butters' arms.

Once my breathing had steadied, Butters asked me, "Hey Douchebag, do you mind if I ask you one more thing?"

I opened my eyes and looked up at him with a smile, signaling that it was okay, and he asked me, "Why did you tell me all that with your phone, instead of just talking?"

Sighing again, I pulled out my phone once more and used it to tell him, "One night when I was a baby my dad was watching me while my mom went out with friends, and he mopped the living room floor while she was away. He used way too many chemicals, though, and left me in there for a long time, and by the time my mom got home, the fumes had permanently damaged my throat, so now I can't speak."

Once I had finished, Butters looked down at me and hugged me closer, telling me with tears of his own and a cracked voice, "I'm real sorry about that, Douchebag."

I smiled at his words of sympathy, and we sat there for a while, simply cuddled up on the bench, until I decided we should probably get back to the quest and hopped off. Upon walking back to town, I saw that we were right by the church, which was where the Vulcan kid told me he left his dad's iPad. I retrieved it from behind a tree and fast-traveled back to his house, returning the device to him and getting a friend request and a snowball in return. I wasn't a high enough level to equip the snowball however, and simply put it in my pocket along with all of the rest of the junk I had, which amazingly, all fit comfortably.

I saw that I had gotten another perk earlier, so I chose Pyromaniac, allowing me to deal greater damage to enemies that were on fire. I then fast-traveled back Downtown, which apparently I had unlocked fleeing, and got a friend request from a woman on a bench. I looted some of the buildings, which strangely no one seemed to mind, and continued down the street, looting buildings along the way. I got a friend request from a girl smoking behind the abortion clinic and saw Tweek Bros. Coffee just ahead.

Along the way, I shot down a Fatdactyl Chinpokomon from the top of the movie theater booth, and upon entering the movie theater, got a friend request from some kid saying he was the Antichrist. I got some junk from a couple bags and left, passing a guy in gag glasses on the way to the coffee shop. He wanted me to come over and I probably would have if not for Butters desperately gesturing for me to not to. Walking past him, I entered the shop, where a man with a nametag identifying him as "Mr. Tweak" greeted me, saying, "Welcome to Tweek Coffee. Coffee made with ingredients supplied by local organic suppliers. It's local coffee. Brewed locally."

He then called to the back room, "TWEEK?! TWEEEEEEK!"

A reply came from the door, simply a strangled sound like someone gasping, and Mr. Tweak asked, "Have you picked up the fresh local ingredients?!"

Another strangled gasp came from the back, and a stressed-sounding voice replied, "NOT YET DAD! I'M STILL TRYING TO DO ALL MY CHORES!"

Mr. Tweak told his son, "Well hurry up, son, the family business is relying on you!"

Another scream came from the back room, and I bought what Butters called a "Speed Potion Ultra" from Mr. Tweak, prompting friend requests from him and his wife. Ignoring his speech about spammers, I walked into the back to see a blonde twitchy boy with wild hair and a shirt with the buttons done wrong, and walked up to him and handed him the letter from Cartman.

Upon seeing it, Tweek quickly asked, "What's this?! AHGHGHGH! NOW?! The guys need me now?! Oh there's no way man! I have WAY too much to do!"

He then freaked out and grabbed my shirt, asking me, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?! Wait- YOU!"

Tweek let me go and asked me, "Could you go and get the four o'clock delivery for me?! If you do then I can finish here and then- and then I'll still have time to play!"

He begged me, "PLEASE! Would you?! It's at Kenny's house – like always! Y-you give them THIS – They'll give you the delivery!"

Tweek then handed me an envelope and an order, then went back to sweeping and drinking coffee. I left the store and walked down the other side of the street to avoid the man from before, and saw that there was a storage unit there. I walked down to a side of town that had more houses, and opened the garage of the first one to see that it was broken. Shrugging, I opened the front door to see a man in a mask having sex with a horse, who screamed and slammed the door. I walked into the next house to see a man in leather sitting on the couch, who asked me to retrieve a package for him at the post office, saying it would probably be bouncing around.

I told him through Butters that I would and kept exploring, somehow getting roped into a game of hide and seek with a bunch of preschoolers, who took forever to track down. Once I had however, they all sent me friend requests. Along the way, I took care of some bullies for a girl, released some kid from the police station, picking up a RabbiTech from the police station and a Sna-kat Chinpokomon near the mayor's office in the process, and got Mr. Slave's package back. I also found a key for the news office at the post office, and when I went there I got a friend request from some self-absorbed girl.

I got friend requests from all of the people I had helped, bringing my friend total up to 27, along with a whip from Mr. Slave, who told me to crack it if I ever need help in a fight. I also got friend requests from a man named Gerald Broflovski, and a kid named Francis after I destroyed his snowman. In the garage next to Mr. B's house I found the final piece to the Druid armor, which was what Butters told me the bear clothes were. I also got a Furrycat Chinpokomon near his house.

Walking down the street, I saw it turn derelict and run-down, and went up to the only house, presumably Kenny's, and knocked on the door. A woman with red hair opened it and asked me, "What?"

I handed her the order, and she looked at it and told me, "Ah, this isn't for ME. This is for the nice people who are renting the guest house out in the back."

She then gave me the key and I went to the garage, activating the fast-travel point along the way, and unlocked it, then went through the door to see what looked like a meth lab. There was a ton of beakers and test tubes inside, along with three guys, one of whom asked me, "Yeah, yeah. We got the package for Tweek Coffee. You got the envelope?"

I handed it to him, but the man looked at me suspiciously and said, "Hey… that's not the usual kid who picks up the package."

The guy next to him asked him, "Huh? Oh shit. IT'S A COP!"

They all then pulled out weapons, consisting of a broken bottle and a grimy toilet plunger, and faced us menacingly. I started to get nervous, since these people weren't playing a game, but Butters had no fear as he took out his hammer. I did the same with my Lightning Wand and the battle started. As they bore down on us, ready to strike, I looked through my pockets frantically and took out the Speed Potion Ultra, which I gulped down. Instantly, I felt invigorated, and the Lightning Wand turned red.

Acting swiftly, I rushed the first Meth Head and struck him three times, causing him to collapse. I then nocked two arrows and hit the other two square in the foreheads, knocking them both out. As the caffeine wore off, I realized I had probably just broken the rules of the game, and turned to Butters with an apologetic look. He simply shrugged it off however, telling me that Speed Potion Ultra gives you two attacks, and we got the package, making sure that it didn't have any drugs in it. I then met Kenny's mother and sister, who both sent me friend requests. I got a new perk as well, and chose Apprentice, giving me 20% more PP.

Heading back to the coffee shop, I went into the back, where Tweek and his dad were waiting. Seeing me arrive, Tweek came up to and said to me, "You did it! YOU GOT THE PICKUP! OH THANKS, MAN!"

He then turned to his father and asked him, "Dad! I finished my work can I go play?"

Mr. Tweak, before letting him go, asked his son, "Where's today's delivery?"

Tweek told him, "Right here!" And handed him the bag.

After tasting the beans, Mr. Tweak went into a long metaphor, which I ignored, and Tweek told me, "Thanks, kid. I gotta go get changed then I'll meet you at the kingdom!"

He then left, but not before giving me a friend request and a key to the chest nearby. I noticed I had leveled up, and chose to upgrade Dragon's Breath again, making it so that I could hit enemies above and below my target, increasing my spread. Inside the chest, I found some Friar clothes and some junk. I then switched out the Skull sticker I had gotten at the police station for the match one I had bought before, adding fire damage to the Lightning Wand, sticking the Skull one onto my bow to increase regular damage.

It was then that I noticed I had an unused Perk, so I chose Marksman to increase my ranged damage even more. I then left the coffee shop and went past the movie theater, ignoring the snarky comment of the booth operator, and walked up the street to the gated community where Token lived. I then walked up to the security guard manning the guard post and waved up at him to get his attention, but before either Butters or I via phone could ask to get in, he pulled out a canister of pepper spray and shook it up before spraying it right in my face, burning me with the volatile spray. I thrashed around and silently screamed as he poured it on, my glasses no help as I fell to my knees and vomited from the pain.

As I lay there in agony, I felt Butters' hand on my back, and heard his voice asking me, "Douchebag, are you okay?" I looked around, but couldn't see him or anything else as the burning in my eyes intensified and I could barely open my eyes, and began to tremble and sob silently at the pain. Butters told me, "Hang on, Douchebag, I'll take you to my parents, they'll know what to do." He then helped me up and threw my arm over his shoulder so that he could help me walk, then led me that way through the town, me in horrible pain all the while. Once we got to his house, Butters opened the door, and seeing the state I was in, Mrs. Stotch asked him, "Butters, what happened?"

Although I couldn't see what was going on, I heard Butters tell his mother, "Me and the New Kid were playing out by Token's house, and the security guard workin' there pepper-sprayed him." I heard Mrs. Stotch gasp and say, "Oh my."

Mr. Stotch told his wife, "Oh boy. Linda, why don't you help Butters' little friend? I'll take Butters to his house and we can tell his parents what happened."

Mrs. Stotch agreed with him, and Butters and his dad left while she led me into the kitchen, where she instructed me to sit in a chair, which she put a towel down around. She then told me to take off my glasses and hold my eyes open, which I did with some difficulty. Through the blurriness, I could see her take something from the fridge and pour some liquid into a glass, then she came up to me with it and said to me, "This might feel a tad strange, but it'll help. Now please just hold still and keep your head up and your eyes open." I nodded, tears still streaming from my eyes, and Mrs. Stotch poured the liquid on my face and in my eyes.

Almost immediately, I felt the pain recede as the liquid washed the pepper spray from my eyes, and I silently sighed in relief the blurriness lessened. Without my glasses I still couldn't fully see, but I could make out enough to see that the liquid she had poured on me was milk. As I rubbed my eyes and they throbbed with the aftershocks of the pain, she told me, "I'll clean off your glasses. Why don't you go lie down on the couch, sweetheart?"

Graciously, I nodded and allowed her to lead me to the couch, where I lie for a moment before blackness overtook me.

When I woke up, I saw Butters and his dad come inside, and seeing me wake up, Butters walked up to me and asked, "Hey there Douchebag, how you feeling?"

I pulled a face, my face and eyes still throbbing, and upon seeing my glasses on the side table, put them back on, seeing Butters' face come into focus. The boy smiled and hopped on the couch next to me, cuddling me into his side again as he told me, "My dad and I told your parents what happened. They came over for a bit, but didn't want to wake you up."

I smiled at the boy, but then got an alert on my phone, and opened it to see that Cartman had posted something on my wall, saying, "HAHAHAHA! Dude someone just posted a video of you getting pepper sprayed! Hold on I gotta watch that again. AHAHAHAHA it's even better when you know what's coming!"

Seeing that Butters had liked the post, I glared at him, hurt slightly. Seeing this, the boy shuffled his feet and told me, "Yeah, sorry about that. The Grand Wizard gets pissed off if we don't like his posts."

I smiled at him in understanding and saw that someone named Jimbo had posted a comment, reading, "Jimbo's Guns carries a selection of gas masks that render pepper spray totally useless as a self-defense. Come visit."

Seeing the comment, I nodded determinedly and hopped off the couch, with Butters following behind me. Along the way, I got a quest from a priest named Maxie to find Jesus. At first I thought he was just being preachy, but Butters told me I could literally find him at the church. As it turns out he was hiding behind a pew, but he immediately hid again. I found him again after talking to the priest a second time and he gave me a string of rosary beads, which apparently I could summon him with, along with friend requests from him and Maxie, bringing my total up to thirty-five.

I saw that I had another perk, so I used it to get the "Growing Boy" Perk, increasing my health by 20%. I also cleared a tower of Mongolians for the owner of a local Chinese restaurant, who was named Mr. Kim, getting another summon and friend request, along with a new bow and a Lambtron Chinpokomon. I made sure that the arrows didn't have actual points, since I didn't want to actually hurt anyone, and went over to Jimbo's Guns, sticking some new Armor Patches on my clothes, one shaped like a flaming sword to my circlet and two more shaped like a magnet and an action hero badge to my robe, making it so that I would regain PP when I defeated opponents and deal fire damage, along with increasing the money enemies would drop.

When I walked into the gun store, Butters greeted the two men with, "Hello there, Jimbo and Ned!"

Jimbo, who I recognized from the comment, said to the boy, "Well! What brings you here today? Business or pleasure? Or vengeance?"

'Definitely vengeance.' I thought to myself, and Butters verbally confirmed the statement, chirping out, "Vengeance!"

Ned, using a voice box, told me, "You've come to the right place."

When I walked up to the counter, Jimbo greeted me, saying, "Howdy there! Haven't seen you before. You must be the new kid that moved to town – and you're into huntin', huh?! Well, my boy you've come to the right place! South Park is chock FULL o' things to shoot that would delight ANY Taxidermist, Survivalist or Weekend Animal Death enthusiast!"

'Animal Death enthusiast?' I mentally asked, but Jimbo disregarded my mental question and told me, "Ain't much I can sell to a minor – thanks to the stupid Democrats – bu-but if you can prove yourself a REAL hunter I might be able to get you some better stuff. You should buy a copy of the Hunter's Guide to South Park Wildlife! This book thingy here!"

Jimbo held up a booklet, but I simply pointed to a gas mask hanging on his wall. Getting the message, Jimbo brought it up to the counter, and remarked, "Now I remember where I've seen you! The pepper spray video! Well, just slap this on and that guard won't be able to do shit to you, I guarantee it!" He sold me the gas mask, and I sold him all of the junk I had accumulated since I had last visited a shop, and as an afterthought, bought the book he had told me about.

Afterwards, Jimbo told me, "You kill anything in that guide, you come back and see ol' Jimbo and Ned! The best part about huntin' is bragging about it to other hunters!"

Jimbo also gave me a few things I would need to attract the animals I was supposed to kill, and looking through the list, I saw I could only get to the Farm Cow and Rabid Junkyard Dog, so I went to Kenny's house and took care of the dog, then tipped over the cow at the farm without harming it and went back to Jimbo and Ned. He gave me two Patches, one shaped like a suit of armor and the other like a studded dog collar. I attached the armor one to my ring, giving me five more armor, and the collar to my robe, making it so enemies who attack me with melee weapons take ten damage. I had to take off the action hero badge to equip the collar, however.

While I was there, I took care of some rats for the bartender next to Jimbo's shop, prompting friend requests from him and the bartender, along with one from Kenny's dad, who was passed out in the trash next to the bar. I also found a Flowerpotamus Chinpokomon in the bar, and leveled up, putting the upgrade into Dragon's Breath again, making it so my attack would increase when I did it right. Butters and I set off down the street towards Token's house, me putting on the gas mask once we got past the mall and unfortunately having to unequip my circlet. Seeing me approach, the guard pulled out his canister of pepper spray again and sprayed me in the face, having no effect due to my new mask.

Seeing it was ineffectual, the guard exclaimed, "What the fuck?! Oh NO!"

Using his shock to my advantage, I quickly jabbed Lightning Wand as hard as I could into his groin, causing him to be both burned and electrocuted as he doubled over in pain, and was defeated. I took his nightstick for good measure and took off my gas mask, reequipping my circlet as I went into the community, which I saw was just Token's house. I got some loot from his garage and shot a Velocirapstar Chinpokomon down from his window, and knocked on the door.

Token opened the door, asking me, "Yeah?"

I simply stared at him for a moment, and Token asked me, "Can I help you?"

I pulled out the letter Cartman had given me and handed it to him, and Token asked me as he read it, "What's this… oh, the elves took the Stick again? Hang on a second."

He then closed the door, only to open it a second later dressed in character, with a purple coat with white sleeves, a Nike headband, orange pants and a red cape, brown gloves with gold snowflakes on them, and a black belt with plastic knives taped to it. Token told me, "Thank you for thy message, traveler! I shall make haste to Kupa Keep!"

He then turned and went back inside, asking, "Mom! Can you drive me to Eric's house?"

Leaving the residence, I got a friend request from Token, and as we passed the guard post, the security guard told us, "Move along, sir. I can't even look at you without feelings of deep personal shame."

Smiling at his words, Butters and I fast-traveled back to Kupa Keep. Once there, Token, Scott Malkinson, Butters, Tweek, Kenny and I all gathered in front of the castle, and Butters told Cartman, "ALL SOLDIERS REPORTING FOR DUTY, GRAND WIZARD!"

Emerging from the tent, Cartman told me, "Nice work, Douchebag. Now all my men are here and ready to fight for the-"

He then stopped, looking around the yard and asking, "Wait a minute, where is Feldspar? Where's my level twelve thief?"

I had no idea who he was talking about, but Butters got the hint and asked agreeingly, "Hey yeah, where's Craig?"

A light bulb went off in my head, and I thought to myself, 'Oh yeah, he's the one who got detention, right?' Confirming my thoughts, Token told the group, "He's in detention."

Disbelievingly, Cartman asked us all, "What?!"

Nervously, Tweek told the Wizard, "He flipped off the Principal, so he's in detention again."

In shock, Cartman looked to the ground and muttered, "Oh my god…"

He turned his back on all of us and said, "…If they've locked away our thief in detention we have no hope of getting back the Stick of Truth. We have to break him out!"

Tweek made his nervous noise again and told him, "Agh! No way man, last time we broke Craig out of detention we ALL got in trouble!"

Cartman pointed at him and told the coffee addict, "Getting into trouble is a risk that Douchebag is willing to take."

At his words, I thought to myself, 'Wait, what?' Cartman then walked up to me and told me, "You have to break out our thief, Douchebag. But don't worry, I will not let you go unprepared, I am going to teach you how to use magic. Meet me at the training barracks. It's time for you to learn 'Dragonshout.'"

He then walked off toward a section of the yard filled with dummies, and I shrugged my shoulders and followed him, figuring it would be useful to learn a new technique. Once we had both reached the 'Barracks' Cartman told me, "You fight well, Douchebag, but to truly succeed in combat you must learn to harness the power… of your farts."

His words truly shocked me, making me think to myself, 'Is this a joke?' Cartman seemed completely serious however, as he told me, "Farting on an opponent at precisely the right time is key to battle. I shall show you how it's done, but FIRST, you must take the Gentlemen's Oath."

Cartman was completely solemn and serious as he told me, "You must promise to NEVER, EVER fart on anyone's balls. Okay? Farting on an opponent is necessary, but farting on someone's balls is NOT COOL. Do you understand? All right, then let's begin your training."

He then stood there, waiting for me to agree, and while he did, I thought to myself, 'So magic in this game… is farts?' Once I had gotten over my shock, I nodded to Cartman, figuring it made about as much sense as anything else in this game.

Seeing my agreement, Cartman then walked up to a dummy and explained to me, "To conjure Dragonshout, you must first clear your mind and take in a deep breath… through your butthole. Like so. HRRNGGHH!"

He then started straining, taking in air and grossing me out a bit, and he told me, "Then… let it rumble inside you… and… DRAGONSHOUT!"

Cartman then pointed his rear towards the dummy and fired the air at it, rocking it a bit. Even though it was a little gross, I had to admit that it was impressive, and Cartman told me, "I'll show you one more time. Suck it in… let it rumble… DRAGONSHOUT!"

He then demonstrated the move again, and afterwards told me, "Now you. Ready? Dragonshout?"

Cartman moved to the side to allow me to try it for myself, which I did, getting the hang of it quickly and even rocking the dummy more than Cartman did, surprising him and prompting him to tell me, "My god that was… incredible. A man could live a hundred years and never again witness a spell so… boisterous."

Cartman had a thoughtful look on his face as he pondered, "Could it be that the prophecies are true? Could it be that the Dragonborn has come at last in our hour of need?"

At the word 'Dragonborn', I thought to myself, 'Oh no, don't go using my dad's stupid nickname for me.' Getting over his funk quickly, Cartman told me, "Now let us try your skill on a REAL opponent."

He then called over Kenny, telling him, "Hey, hey, Princess Kenny, could you come here a sec?"

Cartman snickered as he whispered to me, "Shhh! Don't tell him. Okay." As Kenny came over to us, the fat boy told him, "Just real quick, Princess Kenny. Sir Douchebag wants to show you something. All right, you two – SPAR!"

Kenny took on a defensive stance as Cartman told me, "Sir Douchebag, show Princess Kenny the magical powers I have taught you."

Giving him the mother of all 'Really?' faces, I rolled my eyes and reluctantly went up to Kenny, unleashing a mild Dragonshout directly to his face, causing the princess to wave her hands in front of her (I decided to think of Kenny as female since she herself apparently did) and Cartman to shout with glee, "HA! HA HA HAAAAA! THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! HA HA AHAHAHA! DUDE THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!"

He then composed himself and told me, "O-okay, Sir Douchebag, that was sweet. Thanks, Princess Kenny. That's all for now."

Forgetting to heighten her voice, Kenny stormed off, telling him something that I couldn't quite make out, but I was fairly certain was her calling him an asshole. Cartman then walked up to me and turned completely serious as he told me, "HA hahaahaa! Okay, but dude, seriously remember, don't EVER do that on someone's balls. Okay, seriously."

I thought to myself, 'Wow, he's actually serious about the whole fart magic thing, isn't he?' He then told me, "You have mastered Dragonshout, from now on it will be easier for you."

My tutorial done, Cartman told me, "Princess Kenny will assist you in your quest, Douchebag. Now go get Craig while I rest and relax upon my throne."

Going over to the Princess, I apologized to her using the speech app on my phone, but she dismissed it, Butters translating her response as, "It wasn't your fault. Cartman was the one who made me spar with you."

After apologizing, I sold Scott all of the junk I had collected along with the guard's billy club and the other weapons that were inferior to the Lightning Wand. I also bought a staff that I would be able to equip at level eight called the "Staff of Winter." Butters reminded me that I could now equip the Druid Armor, so I tried on the crown and gloves, but sold them to Scott when I decided that my Mage Gear was better. I changed into the Druid Robes in Cartman's bathroom while Kenny and Butters stood watch, but broke into a huge blush when I realized there were no pants and the shirt barely reached down to the bottom of my hips, leaving me with my underwear exposed.

I went to change back, but before I could, Butters knocked on the door, asking me, "Sir Douchebag, are you ready yet?"

Not waiting for a reply, Butters and Kenny entered the bathroom, and I blushed even further and covered my lower half desperately. Seeing my robe in hand, Butters told me, "Douchebag, you should keep those on. They're a lot better than that stinky old robe. It has six armor, and enemies who attack you take up to thirty damage. Even if does only have one Patch slot, it's still way better than your old armor."

I paused as I realized that he was right, as the only perk my robe gave me was some increased fire damage. I hesitated however before agreeing, but didn't have time to think about it long before Kenny giggled and told me, "I think they make you look cute, Douchebag."

I briefly registered the fact that I was getting better at understanding Kenny and sighed in resignation and pulled the cape on, recognizing this as a battle I couldn't win. I switched the magnet Patch from my Mage Robe to my Druid Robe. 'At least the cape covers things in the back.' I thought to myself consolingly. The Druid Robe's pockets, which were in the cape, had the same infinite capacity as my old robe, and I transferred all of my possessions to it and set off towards the school. Along the way, I got a friend request from a girl on a bench, and Dragonshouted a barbecue out of the way to reveal a chest with some "Mana Potions" aka hot wings and hot pockets.

I also Dragonshouted a lantern near City Wok, freeing a Brocorri Chinpokomon from a block of ice. Strangely, I received no stares for my Druid Robes, everyone simply ignoring me for the most part. I also went to the movie theater, even though it was out of my way, wanting to try something. Seeing me approach, the ticket guy mocked me, telling me, "Ha! As IF you could see this movie!"

Any second thoughts on what I was about to do vanished, and I gestured for Butters and Kenny to back up, then faced away from the Ticket Guy and charged up a Dragonshout, then unleashed it directly through the window, causing him to sputter and shout, "Ah, oh god! There's no ventilation in here!" Kenny, Butters and I roared with laughter, me not actually making any sound of course, and continued on our quest once again, picking up cash and junk along the way.

Once we reached the school I activated the fast-travel point, and all three of us looked through a first-story window into the detention room. I saw the kid Cartman had sent me a picture of, Craig, looking at his watch. Seeing this, the teacher on duty, a man with a gigantic head and spindly body, told him, "Craig… Craig this is DETENTION! Mkay, stop looking at your watch because you are here for THREE HOURS, BUDDY! Mkay!"

Disregarding his words, Craig simply told the man, "Whatever."

In response, the huge-headed man told him, "Don't think your friends are gonna come bust you out this time, Craig!"

Craig then told him in response, "My name is Feldspar and I'm a level six thief and the humans will soon rescue me from this tower."

Angrily, the man told him, "No, your name is fuckin' CRAIG TUCKER and you're in DETENTION! Start doing your homework! Mkay, I've got all the doors and windows SEALED and I've got hallway monitors working overtime – nobody is gonna save your ass today, Craig! Mkay?!"

Kenny, Butters, and I left the window, seeing the verbal exchange was over, and tried the front door, finding it unlocked, and Butters commented, "Looks like Mr. Mackey missed one."

Noting his name for later, we opened the door to see a pasty kid with red hair and freckles wearing a hall monitor's sash, who told me, "Excuse me but school is OUT and no students allowed on the premises until tomorrow at 7:30 AM."

Seeing that he wasn't going to let me pass, I went up to him and hit him with Lightning Wand, engaging in battle. I hit him with three light strikes from my wand, setting him on fire and shocking him, causing his attack to go down, as well as inflicting massive damage. Afterwards, Butters hit him with his hammer, defeating him and knocking him to the ground.

On the ground, the kid pulled out a walkie-talkie, speaking into it, saying, "Officer down! Officer down! Send backup! I repeat, officer down! All hallway monitors to the right hallway!"

A voice that I recognized as Mr. Mackey's came over the walkie, saying, "Oh, god dammit."

Craig/Feldspar's voice then sounded over it as well, saying, "Heeere they come."

Mackey then shouted at him, "They aren't gonna get you, Craig! You're NOT getting out of detention!"

Calmly, Craig/Feldspar told Mr. Mackey, "I'll be out of here in ten minutes."

Before we moved on, Butters warned me, "Careful Douchebag, these dungeons hold many secrets. For centuries, these halls went unmonitored, but then the evil Overlord Mackey rose an army of gingers to protect his precious after-school detention."

Almost immediately afterwards, I got a message from Cartman over Facebook, telling me, "I forgot to mention that the school has gingers on hall monitor duty. If you get bit, you're already dead so don't come back here and infect the rest of us."

Rolling my eyes at the warning, I thought to myself, 'Yeah right, like they're going to try and bite me.' Going through to the hallway, I saw that two Hall Monitors had created a barricade. Thankfully, there was a flaming piece of paper in front of it, so I simply created an explosion with Dragonshout, destroying it and knocking out the Hall Monitors in the process. Once I was past it, I shot open a loose air duct, causing a Poodlesaurus Rex Chinpokomon to drop down, which I picked up. Approaching the door to the detention room, I saw that it was locked, and Mr. Mackey's voice sounded out from inside it, taunting me, "You're not gonna get through this door. Mkay. You might was well give up because I have hidden the key somewhere and you'll never find it in my office. Aw, dammit… mkay."

Smirking, I went further down the hallway, only to see that the door to Mackey's office was locked with a huge padlock. Seeing another Hall Monitor, Butters told me, "There's another one of those soulless bastards. Take him out…" Seeing a loose light fixture above him, I shot it down with my Mongorian Bow, hitting the Monitor in the head and knocking him out.

After the Hall Monitor was unconscious, Butters whispered to me, "Legend says there is a sixth grader hall monitor who has a ZILLION freckles and a clipboard made of human bone. They say he has a freckle for each kid he's suspended." The story seemed to frighten Kenny, but I paid it no mind as I looted the Hall Monitor's unconscious body and moved on, hearing another Hall Monitor exclaim, "Search him!" from the teacher's lounge.

Suddenly, another, more frightened voice shouted out, "No. NO! Get away from me you freaks!"

The familiar word touched a nerve with me, but I put it aside and walked up to the accordion barricade blocking our way forward, trying to figure out how to get past it. Seeing me approach, a Hall Monitor exclaimed, "The protectors of the brass key will never surrender!"

Before I could figure out how to get the blockade open, Princess Kenny stepped forward and pulled down her shirt, exposing her flat chest as she giggled. The sight seemed to entrance one of the Hall Monitors, and he walked over, muttering, "Ooooh! Wow…boobies…"

He folded up the barrier and approached Kenny, making grabbing motions with his hands and muttering to himself, "Must have…must touch."

As he got closer, Kenny pulled her top back up and giggled again, then pulled out a mirror from behind her back, and as the kid kept muttering about boobies, she clocked him in the head with it, rendering him unconscious. I simply stared at the girl in surprise for a moment, thinking to myself, 'I cannot believe that just worked.'

We then went over to the remaining three Hall Monitors, and I knocked down a bulletin board with an arrow, knocking out two of them. I then ran at the final one, who was using a lunch tray as a shield. We engaged in battle, me destroying his shield with a barrage of Dragon's Breath, dealing a lot of damage and setting him on fire in the process, the Patch on my headband completely restoring my PP once the attack was over. Butters then hit him with his hammer, defeating him and sending him running. The last hall monitor pulled out a walkie-talkie and told Mr. Mackey, "MORE OFFICERS DOWN! WE'RE TAKING HEAVY CASUALTIES OUT HERE!"

I then heard Mackey's voice over the walkie, telling the boy, "Dammit, you hallway monitors need to stop playing around!"

The boy then replied to him, "He's got the brass key! He's some kind of Dragonborn!"

At his words, I frowned and thought to myself, 'Why do people keep calling me that?' It was then that I heard Mr. Mackey tell the boy, "Now look, this is detention time, not time to play Dungeons and Dragons! And besides, he's never going to get inside here because to open the door, you need the gold key and the only way to get the gold key is by getting the silver key, so even if he HAS the brass key, he still hasn't made it past the boss level. Mkay."

Curious, I searched the Hall Monitor, indeed finding a key made from brass in his pocket. Going back and trying it on the teacher's lounge, I found that it did indeed unlock the heavy padlock keeping it shut. Entering the room, I saw no less than four hall monitors, one of whom exclaimed, "He's here! Guard the key!"

I then looked to the table and saw an ashtray full of cigarettes on it, and seeing a box of fireworks directly beneath it, got an idea, so I shot down one that was still lit, knocking it into the box of fireworks and sending them screaming across the room, damaging a table and knocking out a hall monitor. After the destruction, one of the Hall Monitors told his comrades, "Forget the key! Protect the front lines!"

Butters then chipped in, commenting, "Good thing there was a box of fireworks just sitting there."

Looking around the room, I saw a precarious pile of books teetering near where a hall monitor had moved to, sending it crashing down on top of him and knocking him unconscious. Turning back to the other two still blocking the way, I saw that the box was still on fire, so I Dragonshouted it, causing an explosion that knocked the two ginger kids out and clearing the way. Destroying the burnt table, I went up to the kid in the corner, covered in darts and crying. Butters then walked up to him and patted him on the back, telling him, "Yeah, there you go, buddy."

As he comforted the boy, I almost thought I could see a green light escape from his palms, but had no time to ponder it as the boy stood up and told me, "Thanks. I thought I was a goner! There were too many of them. They were too strong, their hair too red…"

Once again, the hair comment ticked me off, but I didn't let it show as the boy gave me a silver-colored key and told me, "Maybe you can take this silver key and find the gold key. You can succeed where I have failed! Free Mackey's prisoners!"

At that, the boy ran out of the room and fled the school, leaving the three of us there, me holding a key. Before leaving, I looted the room, strangely finding a lot of sex toys, before going back to the door to the detention room, Butters saying along the way, "I sure hope the gold key is in there, or the quest for the silver key has been all for nothing."

I opened the door to the Counselor's office and saw the gold key on a stand sitting on a shelf, so I shot it down, knocking it to the ground. Butters warned me, "Careful Douchebag. This is Mackey's lair. One wrong step and we could end up in detention."

I merely picked up the gold key, Butters saying in awe, "The gold key… No human has ever laid hands on it before. Let's hope it holds the power to unlock the cafeteria door."

I raised my eyebrow at him, mentally asking, 'Didn't Tweek say you guys had done this before?' Shrugging, I looted the office before moving on, finally getting to the cafeteria. Before I could open the door however, a voice behind me said, "That's far enough, intruder!"

I turned around to see a big Hall Monitor wearing brown armor, with a grey sash. He then asked me, "Where's your hall pass?"

Not having one, I simply stared at him, and after a moment he told me, "No hall pass? Then it's time to write you a referral."

He seemed to have something very different in mind however, as he pulled out a dodgeball attached to a chain and swung it around, and behind me, Mr. Mackey's voice said, "Oh yeah, that's the boss. Good luck fighting the boss, mkay. You still think this is a game, young man?"

I took a defensive stance as the Boss called for backup, then roared before hitting Butters in the face. Angrily, I sprayed him with Dragon's Breath, the firework seeming less chaotic than before somehow. The Boss took a bit of damage, and the Hall Monitor above him took even more as they were both set on fire. Running up to the other boy I had hit with my attack, Butters hit him with his hammer, defeating him and causing him to flee. I gestured for Kenny to attack, but she told me that only two of us could battle at a time, and Butter would have to switch out on his next turn.

Speaking of Butters, he got hit with various sports balls by the third Hall Monitor, and then the Boss started charging up an attack, almost glowing red with how much he was concentrating. Seeing this, Butters told me, "Use your power on him! Hurry!"

Quickly, I ate a hot wing, restoring my mana, and went up to the Boss and unleashed a Dragonshout in his face, the flames helping to damage him even more. He looked like he was about to throw up, and looked dazed at the same time. Deciding not to use up the turn, I gestured for Butters to stay in the battle. Nodding, he ate a Large Health Potion, restoring his health, and went up to the last Hall Monitor and spun around with his hammer again, a move which he had told me was called the "Hammer of Justice" and hit him in the face with it, angering him and almost completely depleting his health.

Yelling, the last ordinary Hall Monitor threw his dodgeball at Butters, who blocked it, as the Boss threw up. Quickly, I Power Attacked him, almost defeating him. Butters took out the last hall monitor with his hammer, who fled, and the Boss simply lay on the ground on his hands and knees, so I Power Attacked him one last time, defeating him and causing him to mutter, "I wasn't worthy of…the sash."

Looting the Boss' body, I found a key to a locker, which I found after a moment, and opened to see that there was a Mace inside, which Butters told me was call the Mace of Restoration, apparently because when you hit enemies right, it healed you. I didn't equip it since a Mace wasn't really a Mage's weapon, and simply opened the cafeteria door.

Once the door was open, all the kids inside cheered, streaming out of the room while Mackey yelled out, "DAMN YOU CRAAAAAAAAIG!"

Once we were outside, Craig told me, "Thanks for busting me out, kid. My name's Craig, but you can call me Feldspar. Who are you?"

Not responding to him, I stared at him like I always do when people ask me questions, and Feldspar asked me, "What's your name?"

Butters chimed in, telling him, "This is Douchebag, the newest member of our kingdom."

Feldspar said in response, "Oh, okay. I'm heading to Kupa Keep. See you there I guess."

Once Feldspar had left, I saw that I had leveled up, and chose to unlock the final tier of Dragon's Breath, causing it to lower enemy's armor when it hit. He also sent me a friend request, so I accepted and Kenny, Butters, and I moved on, fast-traveling back to Cartman's house.

Once there, Cartman addressed the kingdom, telling us all, "Gentlemen, thanks to the new kid, our entire army is assembled! It is my belief that the new kid deserves to rank up in level. To honor his efforts, he will no longer be called 'Douchebag.' New Kid, I hereby dub thee – SIR Douchebag! Congratulations."

As soon as he was finished speaking, I was back in my Mage Robe somehow, but it was different. The ends of the sleeves were gold with red dots, and the shirt was now a richer blue than before. It also had a light blue belt with a brown pouch in it, and my circlet now had a blue star on the forehead. The ring didn't seem much different, however. Before I could ponder the strange and instantaneous costume change, everyone started clapping, and Cartman told us all, "But now it is time to take back that which is rightfully ours. A carrier Raven has come with news that the Stick of Truth has not yet been taken to the Elven Forest. It is in the possession of… the Bard."

At his words, everyone gasped in fear, and Scott Malkinson gasped out, "The Bard?!"

Tweek then chimed in as well, yelling, "Oh God, not the Bard!"

Next to me, Butters whispered in explanation, "The Bard is a level ten drow elf who can use music to enchant and destroy his enemies."

Everyone dispersed suddenly, going off to different corners of the yard, and Cartman came up to me and asked, "Are you ready to continue your training?"

'Please, not another fart spell.' I thought to myself, but it seemed that way as Cartman told me, "Then make haste to the training grounds."

I walked over to the spot where Cartman had taught me Dragonshout with him following me, and once we had both reached it, he told me, "I'm going to teach you how to use a RANGED magic attack. It's not easy, but being able to cup-a-spell from a distance can save you in battle. Allow me to demonstrate."

Cartman then farted into his hand and made a throwing motion at the dummy we had practiced on earlier, sending his fart at the construct and making it rock again. Again, I couldn't help but be impressed at the way he wielded his "Magic."

He then showed me again, telling me, "Let me show you one more time. Watch closely."

Cartman performed the spell once more, making the dummy rock again, and told me, "You see how it works? Now you try. Way back from where you're standing. Cup the magic, throw it at your opponent."

Sighing silently, I figured this too would come in handy at some point or another and cupped my hand, then farted into it and threw it at the dummy, making it rock more than Cartman's had. Seeing me successfully use the spell, he exclaimed, "Yes! YES! But, now let us see how you fare against a REAL OPPONENT!"

'Oh no.' I thought to myself, and Cartman called Scott Malkinson over from the Armory, telling him, "Hey, hey, Malkinson! Malkinson, could you come help us with something?"

He then turned to me and urged me to be quiet, telling me, "Shh, shh! Don't tell him – this is gonna be sweet."

As Scott came over, asking, "Yes?" Cartman told the boy, "Oh hey Scott, could you um, spar with Douchebag real quick? He's gonna try out a new move."

Scott then moved over to face me in a defensive stance, and exclaimed, "En garde!"

Cartman shouted at me, "NOW, DOUCHEBAG! CUP A SPELL!"

Reluctantly, I did as he said and cupped a fart, then threw it into Scott's face. At the assault, he waved his hands in front of his face, screaming, "Aghgh! AHGHGGHHG!"

Once again, Cartman laughed in amusement, and exclaimed, "HAA! HA AHA AHA AHAAA! Dude, that was sweet! You threw that shit RIGHT in Scott's face! HAaha! All right, Scott, back to your post. Thank you. Hahehe."

Scott didn't say a word as he left, and I immediately felt bad for hitting him with the spell, but before I could go to apologize, Cartman came up to me and said, "Use it wisely in battle, Douchebag. And never on a man's balls."

He then moved back in front of the castle and told us all, "If the carrier ravens are correct, the Bard is hiding out at the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. We must find him before he's able to take the Stick back to the Elven Forest."

Next to me, Butters held up his hammer and screeched, "Let us find the Bard and bring him to justice!"

At his words, Cartman shouted out, "MAKE HASTE TO THE GIGGLING DONKEY!"

Everyone left the castle and marched towards the Inn, but before I left, I made sure to apologize to Scott, who apparently was staying behind to guard the base. He accepted my apology, saying he was used to it, and I got some potions and sold him all my junk, including the Lightning Wand, as I had gotten one that dealt more damage when all of my clothes had changed, called the Wand of Wizarding, although from what I could tell was just a big glow stick. It already did fire damage, so I bought a Lightning bolt-shaped sticker and stuck it on, allowing it to deal shock damage, and a small piece of broken glass, increasing the damage it would do, then changed into my Druid Robes in Cartman's bathroom again and headed off for the Inn of the Giggling Donkey.

As the entire human army hid in the bushes in front of the Inn, Cartman told us all, "There it is. The Inn of the Giggling Donkey." I looked up to see that it was just someone's house, remembering it as one I couldn't get into earlier.

Cartman then turned to Butters and asked him, "Paladin, are you sure the Bard is hiding out in there?"

In response, Butters told him, "That's what Twitter says."

'Oh, so THAT'S what the carrier raven is.' I thought to myself, but Cartman didn't seem happy about the answer as he snapped at him, "CARRIER RAVEN, Butters!"

I glared at Cartman for the outburst, but he didn't even see it as Butters corrected himself, saying, "So-sorry, that's what the carrier raven says."

Cartman then turned to Feldspar and Token and told them, "Craig and Token, guard the back door. Butters, Kenny, Sir Douchebag... let's go inside."

At his words, the four of us walked up to the front door and opened it, seeing that the living room had been decorated to look like a medieval tavern, with kids dressed in costumes sitting at tables, and another kid in front of the couch with a bunch of sodas and Gatorade sitting on it. He was apparently using the coffee table as a counter and was currently cleaning a glass. As we walked in, Cartman told me, "Stay close, Sir Douchebag. The Inn of the Giggling Donkey harbors the scum of all Zaron."

I looked around the Inn and saw that a lot of the kids were wearing mercenary or bandit costumes, one even wearing an eyepatch. Cartman then walked up to the counter and told the bartender, "A glass of meedlewine, please."

Looking at him, the bartender told him, "No meedlewine today, only Fairy Ale."

Conceding, Cartman told him, "A pint of Fairy Ale, then."

The bartender then handed him a plastic cup filled with green Gatorade, which Cartman sipped before asking the tavern, "So… has uh… anyone seen the Bard lately?"

The sound of a record stopping sounded out inside the bar, and literally everyone in the room glared at Cartman, and I mentally face-palmed at his stupidity. Looking around, Cartman realized that all eyes were on him, and waited a moment before holding up his cup and saying, "A cup of Fairy Ale isn't much if not accompanied by some bardic poems and songs."

As everyone continued to stare at him, the bartender told Cartman, "Sure, he's here, all right. He's got a room down in the cellar."

Grateful for the excuse to leave, Cartman quickly said, "Ah, and I shall pay handsomely for his services."

He then downed his drink and threw some change on the counter, asking me to follow with a, "Sir Douchebag."

The three of us following him, Cartman told us, "Butters, Douchebag, go down and flush him out. Princess Kenny and I will be waiting here to murder him. Remember, the Bard can use songs to enchant. Don't let him get to you."

Butters then opened the door to the basement and we entered, seeing that it was very poorly lit. Getting a bad feeling at our situation, Butters and I cautiously followed the winding path through a variety of junk, only the glow of my Wand guiding us. Along the way, I switched out the glass on my Wand for a small needle, to be able to ignore some of my opponent's armor. While we were walking, Butters asked me, "You think the Bard's really down here?"

I didn't respond however, and continued down the path, and Butters told me, "I think I hear him."

Straining my ears, I didn't hear anything, but Butters apparently did as he called out, "Hello?" To the dark room.

As we neared the end, we suddenly heard the sound of a lute being strummed badly, and Butters and I both covered our ears as the noise assaulted us. Suddenly, Butters gasped and cried out, "Oh, Jesus, it's the Bard!"

I looked to where he was pointing to see a boy in a newspaper hat with a feather in it, pointed brown shoes, blue pants, a yellow shirt, and a green cape. I was surprised that he had crutches, but didn't express it as he told us, "Prepare for battle, w-w-w-weaklings."

I was surprised again at his stutter, but again didn't express it as he said, "Elves, fall in!"

Suddenly, we were surrounded by elves, and from the top of the stairs, Cartman cried out as he and Princess Kenny were being taken away, "DOUCHEBAAAG! IT'S A TRAAAP!"

'What exactly was Cartman's plan when he led us here?' I asked myself.

The Bard commanded our attention however, as he told us, "You should have never come here, h-humans. I am a level ten bard, and with my lute I shall power up my elven guards with magical songs of ench- With magical songs of encha-"

He continued stuttering for a while longer, killing some of the drama, until he finally told us, "Magical songs of enchantment."

The elves all then all got into battle positions, two archers hiding behind a swordsman. Before the battle could start however, the Bard climbed up onto a box and started singing, "There once was a maiden from Stonebury Hollow. She didn't talk much, but boy did she swallow."

At his song, the elves came aglow with a green light that dissipated as soon as it came, and Butters told me their defense had just been raised. Deciding that now was as good a time as any, I hit the gong Mr. Kim had given me. Suddenly, he appeared in front of me, jumping in dressed up in a strange costume, and told us, "I'm gonna do my war dance now."

He then pulled out a sword and started dancing around, slashing at the first archer and causing all of the elves to flee, Mr. Kim going along with them. Seeing his guards leave, the Bard got down off his box and left the basement, saying, "Wow, what a butt kicking…"

Once the Bard got to the top of the stairs, he opened the door to reveal an elf, who he told, "Get down there and finish them off. I will protect the Stick of Truth."

Two more elves went down with the first one, and started prowling around, preventing our escape. I looked for a way out, and saw a broken lantern hanging on a barricade. It was too high for me to reach with Dragonshout, so I used the Cup-A-Spell Cartman had taught me and demolished it, defeating an elf hiding behind it. After I moved on, I saw that Feldspar was looking through the basement window, and upon seeing me, told me, "Hey, Sir Douchebag, over here!"

I defeated the elves before letting him in, shooting the lock on it, breaking it and allowing Feldspar entry into the basement. Upon entering, he told us, "I'll handle this."

He then walked over to the fuse box, knocking over a lantern in the process, and pulled a few wires, disabling the electricity that made the puddle of water in front of the stairs impassable, electrocuting himself as he fell to the ground with an, "Ow."

Getting up and dusting himself off, Feldspar clutched his foot and exclaimed, "Ow! My ankle! I think it might be broken."

Examining the injury, I saw that there was only a small amount of swelling, most likely just twisted, but Butters went up to him regardless and told him while patting his shoulder, "There, there, buddy. You're gonna be okay." This time I was sure I saw green light come from his hand, and Feldspar's ankle returned to normal as he got to his feet.

He told Butters, "Thank you, noble paladin. My wound is healed."

In response, Butters asked him, "Can you get us upstairs? I think they locked us out."

Feldspar went up to the door and told us, "Nothing a level twelve thief can't take care of! You guys go ahead!"

After he picked the lock, Butters and I opened the door, to see an elf with a wooden board who shouted, "FOR THE ELF KING!"

In the kitchen, I could see Cartman on the ground getting the shit kicked out of him, and I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, 'Some Grand Wizard he is.'

Regardless, I went into the kitchen and fought the elves alongside Butters. While we were fighting, one hit me while his weapon glowed with blue light, and instantly I felt like I was freezing cold, and shivered in place while Butters dealt the final blow. Once they were defeated, I felt immediately better however, but before I could ask about it, Butters asked me, "Your word is my command my lord. Shall I heal the king, or just let him suffer a bit more?"

While the thought was tempting, I decided we needed to get the Stick back as soon as we could. So, after looting the elves and the kitchen, I pointed at Cartman to tell Butters to heal him, which he did with another glimmer of light. Once Butters was done, Cartman sputtered, then told me, "His powers were too strong – the Bard. He's up in one of the rooms."

While pouring ketchup into his mouth, then spewing it out as if it were blood, Cartman told me, "They took Princess Kenny! They took her upstairs. I'm sure they're going to rape her. Don't let them rape Princess Kenny! Mehhh…"

Cartman faked passing out, and as he did, I looked at him skeptically, asking him in my head, 'Don't you think you're jumping to conclusions just a little quickly?' Seeing my look, Butters told me, "Well, Kenny is dressed as a Princess, Douchebag, and they did take her upstairs to a bedroom. We should probably hurry just in case."

Not registering his words, I simply stared at Butters incredulously, asking myself, 'Can he understand me like my mom can?' Upon seeing my expression, Butters told me, "I-I don't know how, but when I look at your face, I can kinda tell what you're thinking. Or at least, what you mean to say, I-I guess, I can't hear what you're actually saying in your head."

I smiled widely, overjoyed that another person could sort-of understand me, and embraced Butters in a tight hug, tears of joy leaking from my eyes. He returned the hug graciously, but after a moment, remarked, "No hurry, Douchebag, the princess is just being raped."

Smiling, I pulled away, and ignoring Cartman calling us gaywads, we went back into the living room, which had been completely converted into a barricade as the Bard, on the stairs, told everyone, "The Wizard King is done for! Take out the New Kid while I go upstairs and make contact with the King of Elves."

I blew up a candle with Dragonshout, destroying their spike trap, and when we got to the far end of the room, we saw Tweek in the window, who frantically told us to open the door. Butters told me, "Use your magic on the front door, Douchebag!"

Looking to the door, I saw that a lit lantern was directly in front of it, so I shattered it with an arrow and used Cup-A-Spell to create an explosion that destroyed the front door, and knocked out the elf guarding it. As soon as it was clear, Token and Tweek ran in, Token shouting, "For the KKK!"

He then broke down the pet barricade blocking us from advancing, so we destroyed the cracked dresser blocking the way and engaged in battle with a Boss, an elf wearing a gas mask that would protect him from my fart magic, deepening his voice as a side-effect. The Anti-Magician pulled out a lighter and set his sword on fire as Butters told them, "I'm Butters the Merciful of the—well, of the Knights of Kindheartedness."

Ignoring his words, the Elf Anti-Magician ran up to him and hit him with three light attacks, Butters blocking and managing to avoid being set on fire. Taking out my arrows, I launched three of them at an Elven Priest hiding behind an Elven Sentinel that had joined the battle, defeating him and sending him running. Butters then slammed his hammer down on the Sentinel, dealing a good amount of damage. The Sentinel armored himself and swung his hammer at Butters, who blocked it, and the Anti-Magician started channeling an attack. Going up to him, I pulled out my Dust of Dreams, then threw some on him and socked him in the face, dazing him and interrupting the channeling.

Butters hit the Sentinel with his hammer again, who came at me this time. I blocked, taking little damage, him taking a considerable amount from my Druid Robe's effects. In response, I hit him with a Power Attack, barely doing any damage due to his increased armor, and Butters delivered a follow-up attack, almost defeating him. The Sentinel then rushed Butters and hit him again, almost completely depleting his health. Acting quickly, I got out a box of Snackey Cakes, aka a Large Health Potion, and tossed it to Butters, who ate some and regained his health.

I then finished off the Sentinel, farting to give me a boost before slamming my Wand down on him, defeating him. Our attention shifted to the Anti-Magician, and Butters hit him with his hammer, dealing some damage. In response, the Anti-Magician asked him, "You want some of this?" Before running up and delivering three light attacks.

I dealt a Power Attack to him, and Butters struck him with the Hammer of Justice, making him angry and dealing a lot of damage. The Anti-Magician then called Butters an asshole as he hit him with three more light attacks, and seeing that he was low on health, I tossed him another Health Potion. I then hit the Anti-Magician with three light attacks, barely doing anything, and Butters struck him with his hammer once more, doing some more damage. After the Anti-Magician hit Butters again, I started to get angry that he was targeting him so much, and as the anger built inside me I could feel something else build inside me as well, an energy that I couldn't identify, and it traveled down my arms and into my hands, where it burst out in a stream of flame shooting from my palm similar to my Dragon's Breath attack, only without a Roman Candle. I directed the fire towards the Anti-Magician, washing him in flames, burning him and dealing massive damage until he finally collapsed.

Once my attack and the battle were both done, I looked down at my hands in shock, still seeing a tiny wisp of flame before it sputtered out, and Butters cheered at our victory. He then told me, "Come one, Douchebag, we have to save the Princess!" He went to go up to the second floor, but I grabbed his arm and stopped him before he could, and he turned back to me and asked, "Douchebag, what are you doing? We have to save Princess Kenny!"

Looking at him dead in the eyes, I thought as hard as I could, 'I don't care. I want to know about all of the weird stuff that's been going on. The flames, my clothes changing by themselves, all of it.' Sensing my meaning, Butters told me, "Douchebag, I know you have a lot of questions, but we really don't have time."

Disregarding his words, I thought, 'Tell me now, Butters. That's an order!' Sensing my meaning once again, Butters sighed and explained to me, "All right. Sometimes, when we play a game, and especially if we put a lot of work into it, it starts to become real. The powers, the enemies, even the weapon and armor effects, all of it comes to life. It doesn't happen all the time, but whenever it does we always know that we have to see it through to the end, no matter how long it lasts. This game turned real for us about two weeks ago, and ever since, we've been treating it like it's real life. I don't know why or how it happens, but it does happen sometimes. And it looks like since you've done so much in it, it's started to affect you, too. That's all I know, promise."

Looking down at my hands, I realized that Butters doesn't know any more about the strange events in this game than I do, and my expression softened as I told him with a look, 'I'm sorry I yelled at you Butters. Thank you for trying to explain it to me.' At my thoughts, Butters nodded and told me, "Apology accepted. Now let's go save the princess!"

Just then, Token and Tweek walked up to us, Token asking, "Where's the King?"

Feldspar pointed to the kitchen and told him, "He's over there! He's hurt bad!"

In response, Token commented, "Good thing my Medicine skills are plus four!"

The thief turned to me and told me, "We'll revive the Wizard. You guys get upstairs!"

The three of them then went into the kitchen to help Cartman, while Butters and I went up the stairs. When we got to the top, we heard a loud thumping noise, and Kenny crying out in a falsetto voice. Butters looked horrified at the sound, and even I was having my doubts at this point.

Butters shouted out, "Wait a minute! Listen! They're raping the princess RIGHT NOW. We have to bust in there!"

Nodding my head determinedly, I went up to the second door down the hall and Butters and I tensed ourselves with our weapons ready and burst in, and we both sighed in relief once we saw that it was just an elf jumping on the four-poster bed next to a tied-up Princess Kenny. In order to make up for the embarrassment of overreacting earlier, Butters exclaimed, "He's keeping her prisoner!"

Looking around the room, I noticed that the light fixture directly above the elf was loose, so I shot it with an arrow. Unfortunately, it snagged on the bed frame and pulled the wire out of the ceiling instead. Making a face at the failed attempt, I noticed that one of the screws on an upper shelf was loose, so I shot at it as well, getting an idea. The shelf tipped over, sending the bowling ball on top of it rolling down, knocking off the fake head on the lower shelf and tipping over a wavy purple-and-blue wall ornament, sending it down onto the dresser, looking a lot like a ladder. The bowling ball then crashed onto a table beside the dresser, damaging one side. I went over to the table and broke off the damaged half, creating a ramp that I climbed up, climbing the ladder ornament and going up the shelves to the wire for the light fixture, clearing some debris along the way.

Taking off my cape, I slung it over the wire and zip lined down, kicking the elf in the head as I fell on the bed, breaking it in the process. I untied the ropes binding Kenny, prompting her to giggle and say, "My hero." In a breathy tone. Blushing, I tied my cape back on and went over to Butters, who was standing there with a shocked look on his face. My face burned as I realized I had just flashed my underwear at him as I went down the wire, and as Butters got over his shock, he pointed at me with a shaking finger and stuttered, "Y-y-y-you-you-you're a g-g-g-g-g-" My eyes widened as I realized he had learned my secret, and in a panic I pushed past him out of the room with both Butters and Kenny following me, running smack-dab into Cartman and the others, and Cartman asked us, "Princess Kenny! How badly did they rape you?!"

In confusion, Kenny told the fat boy, "They didn't rape me."

Before Cartman could respond, Feldspar told us all, "I can't get through! The door appears to be enchanted so I can't turn the knob!"

Walking over to the door, Cartman tried the door, and after he was unable to open it, he hit it with his staff and shouted to the room's resident, "YOU CAN'T HOLD THE DOORKNOB, BARD! THAT'S CHEATING!"

From inside the room, we all heard the voice of the Bard tell us smugly, "Yeah, I can. I have the Stick of Truth which means I control the universe, and I say holding the doorknob is okay."

In aggravation, Cartman asked us, "Ungh, can he do that?"

Calmly, Feldspar told him, "He has the Stick of Truth, he can do whatever he wants."

Cartman cursed and tried the doorknob again, unsuccessfully, and then told us, "There's GOT to be another way into this room!"

Noticing an elf in the attic, Token told the boy, "Hey! Let us up!"

In response, the elf boy told him, "You're not getting up here. The ladder's up here with me. And I'm sure as shit not coming down there."

Once again getting an idea, I gestured to the elf, looking at Kenny while I did so. She seemed to get the message, and walked up below the attic and pulled her top down again, shaking her flat chest and hypnotizing the elf, who put the ladder down and walked up to her, muttering, "Well, lookie what we got here. I'm coming for ya, baby! Oh, yeah! Yeah, those are some big ol' bitties."

Getting out her mirror, Kenny hit him in the head with it, and Cartman remarked, "Good job Princess Gone Wild. Double D buddy powers."

Kenny then went up the ladder, and I went to follow before I noticed Butters standing there with shock still written on his face. Looking away, I climbed up the ladder, making sure Cartman and the others couldn't see up my robe as I went. Once up there, I saw a candle in front of some boxes, and Dragonshouted it, destroying the boxes and knocking out the elf near it. I then blew up a couple lanterns to knock out a rat and another elf and grabbed a Roidrat Chinpokomon and some other loot. I then walked up to a metal shelf to see that a big chest was perched on it precariously, and shot the corner of it, destroying the shelf and sending the chest crashing into the room below, which I knew was the one the Bard was in.

I jumped down through the hole and let the others in, and once were all inside, Cartman told him, "You've nowhere to run, Bard! Give me the Stick of Truth!"

In response, the Bard, who Token called Jimmy, told him, "Take it from me if you can, W-Wizard King. Step forward now, and fulfill your de- de- and fulfill your de-de…"

Once more, Jimmy went into a long series of stutters before finally finishing his speech with, "And fulfill your d-d-d-destiny!"

Cartman then advanced on Jimmy and told him menacingly, "You are no match for a GRAND WIZARD!"

Defiantly, Jimmy told him, "The Stick belongs with us! And I shall use every bardic power in my class to keep it from you!"

Dropping the dramatic talk, Cartman asked him, "Fine, you wanna throw down, brah?" He then turned to me and commanded, "Kick his ass, Douchebag."

In confusion, Jimmy asked, "Who is Douchebag?"

Cartman then corrected him, "That's SIR Douchebag to you! And he's about to teach you some manners, Bard."

Instantly, Jimmy and I both got into fighting positions, as did Kenny. I looked around for Butters, but he had taken off to some place, so I decided to just fight with Kenny. Before anyone could act, Jimmy piped on his flute and summoned three mice wearing jester hats, which I dispatched all at once with my new Dragon's Breath. Kenny then shot three arrows from her pink bow at him, all accompanied by glowing hearts, and Jimmy then started strumming his lute and singing a lullaby, which I barely managed to stay awake through. Turning, I splashed a Cure Potion on Kenny's face, waking her up. I then used Dragon Breath on Jimmy, destroying most of his armor and setting him on fire.

Kenny then shot three more arrows at Jimmy, and in response, he took out a crossbow and shot a rock at her. I used Dragon's Breath on him again, destroying more of his armor, and Kenny surprised me by summoning a wave of rats and sending them at Jimmy, dealing a good amount of damage, but he recovered quickly and pulled his cape over his face, strumming his lute while channeling an attack. Acting fast, I ran up to him and threw my Dust of Dreams in his face, dazing him without punching him, although I did do it anyway in order to deal some damage.

Kenny then shot more arrows at Jimmy, and I then ran up to him and hit him with three light attacks, dealing some damage and causing him to insult me with, "Oh you dirty w-wench!"

He then pulled out a flute and started to play a long, deep note on it, causing Kenny and all the others to yell and cover their ears. Not knowing what they were doing, I simply stood there in confusion, but quickly learned why they were afraid after a tangible wave of sound hit me, damaging me slightly and increasing my mana. I didn't understand why he would use a technique that helped me, but soon learned why he had done it when the mana inside built to be too much, and my stomach rumbled as I shat my pants, causing all of my mana to deplete.

In shock, I simply stood there for a moment, before I angrily gathered up almost all of the PP left in my body and decided to try a new ability I had gained recently, Lightning Volt. Going up to Jimmy, I sent electricity shooting from my fingertips, striking him and making him call me a wench again as he was defeated.

Cartman then went over to Jimmy's motionless form and took the Stick from him, exclaiming, "THE STICK IS OURS!"

All of the others cheered and left the room, and Cartman joked for me to find his running shoes on the way out, but I didn't even hear him as I stood there, trembling, ashamed at my accident, even if it was caused by Jimmy. I then heard someone clear their throat behind me, and turned to see Butters standing there. My cheeks burning, I tried desperately to conceal the fact that I had crapped myself, but it would seem Butters already knew as he told me, "I-It's okay, there's no need to be embarrassed. Jimmy's gotten all of us with that at one point."

I turned away from the blond Paladin, still humiliated, and he walked up to me and took my hand, and told me, "Here, I'll help you clean up."

He then led me to Jimmy's bathroom, taking down the picture of trees, and I entered as he stood outside the door and told me, "Just hand me your robe and I'll wash it. You can clean off in the shower."

I then took off all of my clothing, handing Butters my Druid Robe without letting him see me, and he went downstairs to wash it. Taking Butters' advice, I started up the shower and stepped in once it felt like a good temperature, and liberally washed myself with the soap that was there. Unfortunately however, I dropped it while I was washing my back, and when I bent down to pick it up, I heard a hushed voice whisper behind me, "Oh hamburgers."

Shocked, I whirled around to see Butters peeking through the door, and covered myself and silently screamed while he screamed as well, and flung my clothes at me, exclaiming, "HERE'S YOUR STUFF!"

He then ran out from the bathroom, and cheeks burning once again, I dried off and put on my armor, then walked downstairs to see Butters there panting. When he saw me, he awkwardly rubbed his neck and looked away. I angrily grabbed his chin and pulled him to face me, asking him mentally, 'Butters, would you like to explain to me WHY you were peeping on me in the shower?'

Getting the message, Butters fidgeted nervously as he told me, "Well I- What happened was- What I mean is-"

He then sighed and started over, quickly telling me, "Look, I don't know a lot about boy parts and girl parts, but I know that boys have something girls don't and when you were rescuing Kenny I could see your undies and I saw that you don't have what boys have, and you were acting weird back there so I wanted to see if you were a girl so I looked at you in the shower, but I wasn't perving on you, honest!"

I smiled as I could tell that he was telling the truth, and released him as I mentally said, 'Thanks for being honest with me Butters.' Sensing my meaning, Butters then asked me, "You're welcome, but… why does it say you're a boy on your Facebook profile?"

Sighing, I nonverbally told him, 'My dad made it, it's a long story. For now though, we should get back to Kupa Keep before Cartman notices we're not there.' Nodding, Butters cheekily told me, "Ladies first." Silently giggling, I punched him in the arm lightly as we left the house, arriving at Kupa Keep just as Cartman was giving a speech.

Cartman addressed everyone who had fought at Jimmy's house, telling them all while in the war tent, "The Stick of Truth is back where it belongs!"

He then left the tent and faced us all, and continued, mostly addressing me, "Great job, men! Douchebag, for your heroic deeds and valiant self sacrifice at the great Battle of the Giggling Donkey, I hereby make you an official member of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep. Welcome to the KKK!"

As everyone clapped around me, I had mixed feelings at his mention at the name, but before he could continue, Cartman's mother stepped into the yard and told him, "It's getting late. The Grand Wizard needs to go night-night."

Rolling his eyes, Cartman face-palmed as he told her, "Okay, Mom – thanks for pointing out bedtime for everyone."

Mrs. Cartman then told him, "It's a school night, hon. You and your little Druid friends need to-"

She was rudely interrupted however, by Cartman screeching at her, "WE'RE NOT DRUIDS, MOM, WE'RE FUCKING WARRIORS AND WIZARDS!"

Getting upset, Mrs. Cartman told her son, "That's it. You're going to bed. The rest of you better get home too."

She added the last sentence to all of us, and we all dispersed, heading towards our respective homes, Butters and I walking together for part of the way, and waving at each other as we entered our houses. When I got inside, Dad greeted me with, "Well, there he is!"

Mom sweetly asked me, "You make any new friends, sweetheart?"

Mentally responding, I told her, 'Yes, a lot actually. They even invited me into a role-playing game they're doing.' Getting the gist of my words, she smiled, but before she could say anything, Dad sarcastically asked, "Nothing to say, huh? What a surprise."

Glaring at him angrily, I decided I was in no mood to deal with his bullshit tonight, since it was his fault everyone thinks I'm a boy in this town. Turning to Mom, I mentally told her, 'Tell him.'

Getting the simple message easily, she gasped and asked, "Are you sure, sweetie?"

I then mentally replied to her, 'Yes, thanks to him, everyone in this town thinks I'm a boy. He needs to understand that so that he can stop being an asshole and stop screwing up my life.' Understandingly, Mom nodded, and I went up to my room, where I put on my Terrance and Phillip pajamas and went to bed.

*Mom's POV*

My husband watched our daughter go up the stairs, and when she had vanished from view, he asked me, "What the hell was that about?" Sighing, I told him, "Honey, this is going to be very difficult for you to hear, but our baby boy isn't a boy, she's a girl."

Shocked at the statement, he asked me, "W-What?! What are you talking about, of course he's a boy!"

I then replied to him, "No, she isn't. You just assumed that she was and since I always took care of her when she was a baby, you never found out, and I never even knew you didn't know until she was five, and then she asked me not to tell you."

Angrily, he asked me, "How the hell did he do that? He never says anything!"

Starting to get angry myself, I told him, "She CAN'T say anything!"

In shock, he asked me, "W-what?"

Sighing and starting to realize why my daughter thought so little of him, I asked my husband, "Do you remember that night I went out and left you in charge of the house, and you mopped the living room floor with too many chemicals?"

Remembering that incident, he replied, "Of course I remember, you made me sleep on the couch for six months afterwards."

I explained to him, "Well when I got home, our daughter looked like she was crying but she wasn't making any noise, so I took her to the doctor and he said that the fumes from those chemicals damaged her throat, and she hasn't been able to speak since!"

In shock, my husband got up from the couch and walked over near the window, muttering to himself, "Oh my god."

Driving the point home, I told him, "And ever since then, you've treated her like she was crazy, and now you've alienated her so much that you don't even realize she's a girl, and the only reason you know now is because thanks to you, everyone in town thinks she's a boy, and she doesn't want you messing up her life any more than you already have!"

In even deeper shock than before, he slid down the wall to sit on the floor and put his head in his hands, and asked himself, "What am I going to do?"

Going up to him, I put my hand on his shoulder and told him, "You can connect with her. Get to know her, learn about things she likes. And for Christ's sake, stop calling her 'him'."

Nodding determinedly, he got up and said, "You're right, first thing tomorrow I'm going to connect with my daughter!"

*Douchebag's POV*

I heard Mom telling Dad the truth about me, but didn't pay it any mind as I got under the covers and drifted off to sleep.

Holy crap, this thing is long as balls. I know I've said some of my other chapters have been long, but this one is honestly the longest one I've ever written. If you don't know already, this chapter covers the entire first day of The Stick of Truth, and all the side quests you can do at that time, with a little bit of my own drama thrown in, which is why it's so long. I am trying to space my paragraphs better, mostly with the dialogue, and I'm sorry if it's still bad. The next chapter will be the first night mission, so it will be shorter, but it will probably still be a while before the next chapter is up, so until then, read and review, but no flames!

*Bonus Lemon Scene*

It's ten years later, and Butters and I are once again trudging up the stairs of Jimmy's house, in another attempt to retrieve the Stick of Truth. While we walked up the stairs, I contemplated on the fact that none of the others but Butters knew I was a girl, and I thought to myself, 'I know I'm flat, but I'm not THAT flat.'

As we reached the top of the stairs, we heard moaning and creaking coming from Jimmy's parents' room, and Butters and I looked at each other with a sense of dread, knowing that we wouldn't find Kenny's captor jumping on the bed this time. Bursting into the room, we saw Kenny and her elf captor fucking each other, Kenny on top riding the elf's cock in a cowgirl position. She moaned and groaned unhindered, having discarded her coat long ago as the elf's cock plunged into her pussy again and again.

Speaking of which, I should probably explain. Due to a strange twist of our game's magic, she had developed curves and breasts growing up, and had even formed female sexual organs, keeping her male ones as well. Her seven inch penis bounced up and down in time with her sizable breasts she fucked the elf, who groaned out as he reached his orgasm. At this, Kenny groaned in disappointment and lifted herself off the elf. Blushing, Butters rubbed his neck and looked away as he told her, "W-we need to retrieve the Stick of Truth from the Bard m'lady, shall we give you a minute?"

Looking over at Butters, Kenny licked her lips and walked over to him, dropping to her knees and rubbing his crotch as we both looked down at her in shock. "Wh-what are you doing?" Butters asked.

Kenny looked up at him as Butters' cock grew in his pants, and told him breathily, "I don't know if you noticed, Paladin, but I didn't get to cum just now. I'm still horny though, so how about you be the virtuous warrior you claim to be and let me have my fun?"

Without waiting for a response, Kenny then pulled his pants and underwear down and pulled his cock out, and I briefly noted that it was about eight inches before she took it into her mouth, sucking on it eagerly. Butters moaned at the stimulation and let her do as she pleased, not having any room to argue at this point. I glared at Kenny, cursing her out in my mind for being so slutty. Seeing this, she beckoned me over with her finger. I obeyed with a sense of trepidation, and as I neared her, Kenny pulled my underwear down, exposing my hairless pussy. I caught my breath as her eyes widened at the sight, and she pulled off Butters' cock and said, "Looks like you've been hiding a little something from us."

I covered my face in the shame of having my secret exposed, but Kenny smiled sexily and led me down to the bed, where she pushed the fallen elf off and sat me down, then started to lick and suck on my pussy. I shuddered at her ministrations and Butters walked up behind her and started to do the same for her, eating her out a little less skillfully. Moaning, Kenny suddenly pulled off of me after a few minutes, causing me to give her a disappointed look. It didn't last long however, as she disrobed me and maneuvered me into a doggy-style position on the bed. I shuddered as Kenny rubbed the head of her cock against my entrance, and opened my mouth in a silent gasp as she slid herself inside me.

Coming to my hymen, Kenny leaned in close and whispered, "If you want me to stop, say so now, because once I start, I'm not going to be able to stop."

Desperately, I shook my head no, turning back to her and begging her with my eyes to continue. Smirking, Kenny shoved her cock as deep inside me as she could, tearing my hymen and causing tears to spring from my eyes as she thrust inside me vigorously, the pain receding as she fucked me deeply. My breath hitched as Kenny told Butters, "Come one Paladin, I've still got a hole that needs filling."

At Kenny's request, Butters disrobed as well and came up behind her, then thrust his own cock into Kenny's awaiting pussy. Groaning at his touch, Kenny thrust even harder into me, the thrusts from Butters adding to her force even more. My eyes rolled in my head as I panted in time with their thrusts, the pleasure completely blowing my mind, and as my pleasure rose to its peak, Kenny leaned down and bit down on my ear, sending me spiraling into my orgasm as Kenny reached her own as well, pumping her cum deep inside me. Kenny continued thrusting into me, prolonging both of our orgasms even as Butters came to his own peak.

Panting, I felt Kenny pull out of me, and as her cum leaked from my pussy, she shuffled forward in front of me and thrust her cock into my mouth, and I shuddered as I began to suck her off. Before she could finish however, she pulled out and told me, "Come on, we need to clean off before the others get here."

Nodding, I shakily got to my feet as Butters checked the hallway, telling us, "It's clear!" After seeing it was empty.

Quickly, Kenny and I got into the shower while Butters kept watch outside and waited for his turn. While we were cleaning ourselves off however, Kenny came over to me and engaged me in a heated French kiss, pinning my arms on either side of my head. Shuddering, I wrapped my legs around her waist as she rubbed her cock against the entrance to my pussy again. Suddenly, she thrust into me, and I gasped and grabbed her shoulders as she fucked me with reckless abandon, our breasts rubbing against each other as our tongues danced with one another, and I quickly reached my peak again as I opened my mouth in a silent scream.

Once we had both come down, we continued to kiss each other for a while, simply enjoying our respective afterglows until we cleaned each other off, and as we were leaving the bathroom, Kenny grabbed my ass and told me, "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me."

Let me know if you liked this, no flames.