For those of you reading this without reading any of my other works.

Thranduil is married. His wife lives, her name is Gíl-wen/Gíl for short.

His moose is named Aglar.

He is nothing like the character in the movie. Also assume that this Thranduil is alive and well in modern times.

This is my own interpretation of Thranduil. While I admire the work that Peter Jackson did, I do not agree with his version of Thranduil. (Check out my Fanfic, Proud, Beautiful and Strong, and you'll see.)

So this is just I, venting ;)

L'chaim… Philosophie88

Dear PJ,

I am writing to express my feelings, as they say in these modern days, about your recent Hobbit movie. My wife says that I do not adequately express myself in the written word, so bear with me as I try.

First of all, I look magnificent! Save for those eyebrows, they don't really match my face, but I can forgive you because you got the wardrobe correct. Naneth says you really shouldn't encourage me. But between you and me, encourage away.

Secondly, Aglar (my moose, in this case, war moose) was majestic in every way. I think he was the 51st in a long line. Ah, the good ole days when you could ride a moose around and no one would think anything about it.

And last but not least, well, I tried to think of three things you did right. I mean I am not talking about the hobbit or the dwarves or Gandalf, or the orcs or goblins or Lady Galadriel, not at all. As usual I am talking about my temperament, my son and the subjects of my esteemed nation. I wish I could add them to the list of compliments I render, but alas I cannot.

I would at this point like to address the matter of father-son relationship that seemed quite lacking, i.e. non existent, in your version of things. I would like to affirm to the general public that I am quite a good father, doting, loveable and practically perfect in every way. Oh wait, that last bit is Mary Poppins… But I am not cruel nor am I cold towards Legolas. He is my first born, my tithen las, and all throughout the movie, I was like: "Come on, Lee, just give your boy a hug." Nope. Never happened. All turned up nose and sad eyes. Las had to keep reminding me that he understood, and knew that I really loved him—totally reassuring, but rather disturbing for the other patrons of theatre who kept looking at us, perturbed.

I suppose you assume that such is the nature of things since apparently my wife died in Gundabad. Well, that was news to me. Gíl obviously didn't get the message, and spent the whole night reassuring me that she was quite alive! (I suppose I should thank you for that one.) Then in the morning my not dead wife reassured me that if she should ever have the misfortune to die or to go on an extensive vacation without me, and I were to treat our elflings thus harshly upon her absence, she would haunt me till the day I joined her in Mandos' halls. So yes, PJ, once, just this once, everybody lives! (And we didn't even need the Doctor.)

Now that I have defended my paternal role and my wife, I shall defend my subjects! If you must now, Maefaron is the Captain of my Guard and he does a rather swankin job. There never was, nor will there ever be a she-elf named Tauriel in charge of the defense of Eryn Lasgalan. Actually if you must know, Tauriel is my daughter. She hates dwarves, well, beards in particular, dislikes green spandex, and would never run away from home without telling. She is a warrior, but not my head warrior. She considers herself Sylvan, but is definitely not a lowly Sylvan and most assuredly not in love with her brother, nor is her brother in love with her. (They both did a very loud EWWWWWW sound in the theatre when they found out.)

She also did not rush to Kili's (may he rest in peace) defense. As much as I dislike dwarves, Kili died rather nobly defending his beloved uncle, Thorin Oakenshield, (may he rest in peace), and I think that is a better love story than the one you concocted.

In conclusion, I state rather firmly that I did not retreat from the BOFA. My elves and I fought with honor alongside men and dwarves and Beorn and the Eagles (not the band). We did not leave until it had concluded, Thorin and his kin properly put to rest, Dáin assumed the throne and of course, he bequeathed upon us the jewels. Good thing too, or my wife would have been furious had I come home empty handed.

So, as sorry as I am to ruin your Yuletide with my thorough dissection of your work, I believe that is a necessity. Now you know the truth, and the Greenwood elves can rest a little merrier for it!

Besides, it's Christmas and they have toys to make! Oh wait, that's Buddy.

If you are ever in the area, we can discuss these matters over a cup o' vino, and you can observe first had my enigmatic, yet astoundingly handsome, merrily regal and considerably flawless character.

Yours truly,

Thranduil

King of Eryn Lasgalen