One day, in the foggy town of Silent Hill, a man named Kaufmann decided he fancied a walk. So, after smacking his bitch Lisa around for a bit, and basking in his awesome glory, he left Alchemilla hospital to go for said walk. He encountered a few monsters on the way, but they all took one look at him and were instantly blinded by awesome. Dahlia Gillespie practically jumped our poor awesome hero and tried to feed him some Godly mumbo-jumbo, but he just pimp-slapped that bitch and told her he was 'done with that shit'.
He walked for about 10 minutes, and was about to head home when he heard a choking noise. Turning to his right, his awesome eyes rested upon a bloody gurney, abandoned in the middle of the road. Curiosity took over, and Kaufmann found his awesome feet carrying him over to said gurney. As he neared the interesting object, it stuttered some more. Kaufmann decided it was trying to say 'Heather', which was, of course, right. Because Kaufmann's awesome ears do not decieve him.
Ever.
Reaching the gurney, he reached out with one of his awesome hands and pulled off the bloody sheet covering it. A look of awesome shock spread across Kaufmann's face as he registered what lay in front of him. A bony, pale man lay across the gurney, bloody and dying. A doll was clasped in one of his bony hands, and, as Kaufmann had thought, he was attempting to say Heather. Kaufmann gasped. My God, he thought, this man is awesome!'
"What is your name?" he asked the frail man. Said man coughed.
"S-stan-leey C-c-cole-m-ma-nn.. h-have you se-en m-my H-hea-therrr?"
Kaufmann pointedly ignored his question, and his awesome eyes widened, sparkled, and exploded (not quite literally, friends, as Kaufmann is too awesome to die).
Pulling Stanley up off his bloody deathbed and holding him up by his shoulders, Kaufmann squealed like a little girl.
"Mr Stanley Coleman, your awesomeness radiates from you like a rather awesome radiator!" Stanley Coleman looked understandably confused. Kaufmann continued.
"Which is why, with no further interruptions, I pronounce you.." he threw his arms up to the sky for dramatic effect (forgetting that Stanley, alas, could not support his own weight, thus collapsed to the floor like Pyramid Head down a large flight of stairs.), threw his head back, and announced with glee,
"MR . STANLEY KAUFMANN!!!!!1!!!1!1SHIFT!1!1!!!!!" Reaching into his suit pocket, he pulled out a shiny badge with his face on, kissed it, and proceeded to stick it to poor Stanley's forehead. And, ignoring Stanley's yelps of pain, Kaufmann cheered himself on, and skipped all the way back to his beloved hospital, to carry on his reign of awesomeness.
(And to smack Lisa around some more, of course.)