Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling loves the Marauders and keeps them in a cupboard under the stairs next to the kitchen. I snuck them out for this little ficlet using a cob of corn and three matches (I cannot remember if I put them back properly though...).
Author's Note: This is a response to the prompt: 'Sirius sings on a table' that must feature 'Marauders + Severus Snape + Lucius Malfoy'. Thank you Cassie.
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Happy Birthday Remus
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"It's your BIRTHDAY?!" James stared for a moment and then glanced at Sirius, who had huge grin plastered on his face. Peter was busy chewing on a chicken wing, holding the thing with both hands and nibbling with concentration. Remus suddenly looked worried and tried very hard not to bite his lower lip in his nervousness. Despite his sense of foreboding, he kept his voice steady.
"Yes, James. It is."
"Well, this is cause for celebration, isn't it?" Sirius pushed his chair back rather violently so it clattered on the stone floor. Remus winced and looked at James in desperation to see if this was one of their pre-planned exhibitions. Sirius then took a long swig of chilled pumpkin juice and shook his head, which started to hurt because the juice was so cold. Peter put down his chicken bones and reached his greasy fingertips out for a large piece of very deep fried pork ribs.
"SIRIUS! NOOOOO!" Remus howled just as Sirius jumped upon the dinner table, still holding his pumpkin juice with one hand, the other outstretched towards the Dais, where the Headmaster and Professors were dining. His taste for dramatic flair was satiated only when he bellowed, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! I believe an announcement is in order!"
The hall became silent for a moment.
However, the school was so used to Sirius Black's extravagant behaviour that chatter began again immediately after this pause in their regular dinner conversation. Sirius found himself ignored. Looking affronted, he raised an eyebrow and downed the rest of the pumpkin juice. He ignored the dirty look Peter was giving him, which had resulted due to the fact that his mud-spattered robes covered the chicken wings.
He cleared his throat and then roared, "MY GOOD PROFESSORS AND MINIATURE NON-MUGGLES!" That kept the hall quiet for a long enough time that he could continue to yell uninterrupted. Remus had his head in his hands. James contemplated jumping up beside Sirius, but changed his mind when he remembered that he had caused the deduction of twenty House Points in Potions class earlier. He had purposely cut a lock of his hair (his excuse being that he had read "lock of hair" rather than "block of eclair") and put it into the brew. This had caused his cauldron first to melt and then spill its contents onto an unsuspecting Lily Evans (who he sat behind in every class) when she turned around, and gave her some very unattractive pimples. He could have smacked himself right there, but Sirius got to his face first.
"Mr. Black." A Prefect sneer with (what Sirius considered dyed) platinum blonde hair looked at him disdainfully and then gestured to the fallen chair. "Please seat yourself."
"Not done yet." Sirius waved him off and then hollered, "IT'S A VERY SPECIAL BIRTHDAY TODAY! HE'S TURNING THIRTEEN!" Sirius then looked around for Remus, but frowned when he realised that the latter had ducked behind a chair. "Remus, stand up!" He hissed and then returned his attention to himself. With a swish and a flick of his head to ruffle his hair, he yelled, "EVERYBODY GIVE IT UP FOR REMUS LUPIN!"
James cheered and clapped loudly. Peter glanced at Remus and then at James and gave a few claps hesitantly. A few Ravenclaws gave a couple whoops although Sirius suspected that they were members of the Transfiguration club. Or the Potions club. Hell, it might have been the History of Magic club.
Sirius smirked despite the fact that he was losing the crowd. Looking at Snape, his favorite scapegoat, he said loudly, "Well, Sev, the reception's terrible! What should I do now?"
Snape said nothing, but continued to work on his coleslaw. Lucius barked, "Mr. Black, come down at once, or I shall report to your Head of House!"
"She's watching, Lucy." Sirius growled and then glanced at James, who nodded. He then took out his wand from inside his robes and held it like a conductor's baton. Taking a deep breath, he bellowed, "HAAAAAAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOOOOO YOUUU!" James helped, and the chorus was taken up by the rest of the school just for good measure. Remus, who had resorted to sitting under the table, poked his head out in sheer horror when he realised what Sirius was up to. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the Headmaster singing along too, which definitely made him feel a tiny bit better about the whole situation. The only people who didn't join along were Lucius, who looked like he had just bitten into a lemon and Snape, who was still working on his coleslaw. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR REEEEEEEEEEMUS! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOOOOO YOUUUU!"
What little color in Remus' cheeks had left when he reseated himself. He took a drink of water, realised that it was the fingerbowl, gagged and then tried to empty his oral cavity discreetly. Sirius, still atop the Gryffindor dinner table, bowed towards the Dais and saluted Lucius, who had retreated to the Slytherin side of the hall, with his middle finger.
"Never again." Remus muttered. Peter reached for the chicken wings. James sighed as Sirius got up to help himself to Slytherin coleslaw.