The Darkness in My Heart
She was standing with her family and friends on Platform 9 ¾. She looked around and saw many familiar faces in the crowd. With a shock, Hermione's eyes locked with Draco's. It had been years since they had seen each other, but she remembered the shades of grey as clear as day. She remembered how soft his hair had felt in her fingers, how a kiss made her forget all her pain and troubles. But looking back now, that was probably the reason they never became more.
It could have been a love story. She could've fallen for him, but destiny wasn't so kind. It took them through the darkest places in existence and left them broken in a burning world. It all had started so innocent. A roll of the eyes from him when her friends where being jerks. A look of comfort from her, when nobody saw his mask crumble. They challenged each other to strive for greatness, fought to make the world less black and white. It had even grown to comfort them with their teenage problems.
But the war had ruined it all. What could've grown from a respected rivalry to love, had turned into a bitter resentfulness. Resentfulness what could've been if they had fought for each other. They had used each other to forget their pains, their nightmares and their reality. And when there was nothing left to run from, when there was only living the rest of their lives was left, they didn't have a reason anymore to look for comfort in each other's arms.
"It's LeviOsa, not LeviosAR." She heard him mock her. She huffed, she had just been trying to help! Tears formed in her eyes, when they fell on the blond Slytherin. He was looking with a disgusted look on his face at Weasley. When he turned his head to her, he shook his head a bit. Embarrassed, she wiped the tears of her face and looked at the Weasley boy haughtily. In the corner of her eye, she saw him smirking.
A torn page fell on her book while she was studying spider behavior. Surprised she looked around and saw white-blond hair vanish behind the bookshelves. She frowned and looked back at the page and her eyes grew wide when she read the characteristics of Basilisks.
Her arm was painfully twisted behind her back while he pushed her against the wall and he was hissing in her ear. "Life isn't fair. The rich shouldn't control the poor, but they do. Blood shouldn't determine your social status, but it does. The good should not be taken advantage of by the bad, but they do. And a professor should not let a student be attacked by a wild animal, no matter how much he antagonized it. If you want to survive in the Wizarding World, I suggest you lose your naivety. It doesn't suit you anyway." And with that he pushed her off and left her in the corridor, mulling over his words.
She had finished her essay for Professor Snape, but she was unsure what to do with the conclusion she had drawn. "Figured it out, did you?" a voice whispered in her ear. She closed her eyes. Draco Malfoy had become the most frustrating and infuriating person she ever met. He would taunt and bully her, but he did it in a way she felt like he was preparing her. Preparing her for how she would be viewed the rest of her life. He would warn her for the dangers she could face by wishing for her death or to come harm to her. And just a few weeks ago, he had overpowered her. Had her made see his reason for telling on Hagrid. It wasn't just a grudge. It was a safety issue, and she had come to realize, looking back on the last two years of her life, that Hogwarts was anything but. And now she realized that a man she liked, a man she admired, was a werewolf. She just did not know what to do with that piece of information. "I did. Does Dumbledore know?" He nodded. "Yeah, Snape has been brewing potions on his orders." She nodded and he walked away, leaving her to digest this information on her own.
He found her crying, huddled in a dark corner of the castle. He rolled his eyes and sneered at her. "Can't believe you let a dim-wit like the Weasel bring you down." She huffed. "Just let me be, Malfoy. It's healthy to show emotion once in a while, if you don't, you'll explode." She stood from her spot, tears still dropping from her cheeks, and walked up to him, pushing her finger in his chest. "I dare you to lose that mask. To show how you really feel. Or are you to scared?" Never one to back down on her challenges, his mask dropped and a look of pure lust took over as he swiped his eyes over her body to her eyes that sparked with fire. Without thinking it over, he pushed her against the wall and captured her mouth with his. She returned his enthusiasm by grabbing his shirt and pulling him closer. After a few minutes he slowly pulled back, catching his breath. He grinned at the ravished witch and whispered in his ear: "Freaking delicious." He straitened his robes and backed away. "Guess you're right. Losing control once in a while feels bloody fantastic." And with a smirk he vanished from sight.
She found him staring out of the window in a long forgotten corridor the day everything went to shit. The day after Harry had brought back Cedric's dead body. "Is it true?" he whispered. He didn't turn around to look at her, not needing to. He would recognize her anywhere. A few weeks after the Yule Ball she had been studying late and he could see the stress radiating of her. "Didn't your boyfriend show you how to relax, Granger?" She had looked up and narrowed her eyes, before her lips formed a smirk that could rival his own. Without warning she had run up to him and pressed her lips to his, pushing him into the bookshelf behind him. He had been surprised for a few moments before he just laughed and took her hand to lead her to a more secluded spot to snog her senseless. Their snog-sessions had had quite a few repeat sessions. But now, he was afraid he would have to find himself another snog-partner. One that wouldn't get him killed if anyone found out. She took his hand in hers and leaned against his shoulder, looking out of the window with him. "Yes, it's true." She sighed.
He had told himself that she was dangerous. That he was dangerous for her. But it had been a rough summer and he needed to get rid of his frustrations. He knew he would find her in the library. He also knew she would be the only one there, since it was the first day of school. With a whip of his wand all of her stuff went neatly into her bag. He grabbed the bag, before tugging her along with him, ignoring all the protests she was huffing behind him. Slipping into the Restricted Section, he went straight to the forgotten couches in the back. Dropping their stuff, he plopped down on the couch and pulled her onto him. She responded to his kiss eagerly, but when he started to open up her blouse, she pushed him back. "Draco, what is going on? You haven't even greeted me," she grinned, "or insulted me." When he didn't grin back, she became worried. He sighed, knowing that she was the only he could drop his mask for. He looked at her then, scared. "He came to my home, Hermione. He was there with his followers. I wasn't allowed in the meetings, but I heard it. I heard screaming, so much screaming." She looked at him shocked, cupping his face. She gave him a sweet kiss on the lips. "It's okay." She whispered, even though they both knew that wasn't true. But with her, he could forget he thought when she started kissing him again. When she started to unbutton her shirt, he stopped her. "You don't have to." She gave him a wicked grin. "I know." All bad thoughts left his mind when he saw the lacy bra under her robes, and for a moment he wondered if she had planned this, before he realized he didn't care and just licked and kissed every bit of free skin he could find.
She was lying in the infirmary again and he just cursed. How often did he already visit the girl here? Too bloody many times, he thought bitterly. He lifted the sheet from the sleeping girl and when he saw the wound he had trouble keeping his composure. How often had he kissed her there? How often had he trailed his tongue over her breast until she was moaning his name? He gritted his teeth, vowing that she would not receive another scar. Years later, he would hate himself for not keeping his silent promise to her.
They were in the Room of Requirement and he led himself forget the past summer. She hadn't spoken a word to him, just followed him to the 7th floor and pushed him to the wall after closing the door behind them. He wasn't sure if her aggressiveness came because she knew his summer had sucked, or because hers had sucked too. In the moment he didn't care. He just led the witch attack him and rip of his clothes. He was kissing her frantically when she suddenly stiffened. Confused he looked at her and saw her staring at the mark on his arm. There were tears rolling down her cheeks and he stepped closer to wipe them away. He brought his lips hesitantly to hers and gave her a chaste kiss. She looked up at him and he could see the questions forming in her eyes. He winced when he saw the question roll of her lips, but she seemed to stop herself. Instead she just pushed him back to the wall and started undoing his trousers. When she took his throbbing cock in her mouth, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he wondered how he could've been so lucky to find her.
Snape was behind him, hurrying him through the corridors. Suddenly, he saw her mane of hair out of the corner his eye. His eyes widened when he saw her point her wand at him and suddenly he blew through the air, through a classroom door and several desks. He grunted in pain and tried to stand, but he was having trouble finding his way with all the stars in his eyes. He heard explosions and fighting out in the hallway, and he knew the Order had found them. He was barely standing when she came blazing inside. She crossed the room with a determined stride and he pulled out his wand, holding it weakly in his hand. She pulled on his tie and kissed him furiously. He waved his wand, blocking the entrance to the room before pushing her onto the desk. He kissed her hard, desperately, delaying their end as long as possible. When he finally pulled back, he dropped his forehead to hers. "You're my salvation, Granger. Please be safe." He gave her another lingering kiss, then turned and left her without waiting for a reply.
It was over. The war was over. He was strolling around, looking for forgotten victims, when he saw her, huddled over a body. He pulled her to him and she started crying, while he was stroking her hair, too exhausted to cry with her. She looked up when he kissed the top of her head. "I kissed Ron." She confessed. He just nodded, kissing her temple and pulling her back into the hug. She sighed in relief and they stood there, happy to be in each other's embrace.
She was at the platform, ready to go back for her final year at Hogwarts with just Ginny this time. A few tears escaped as she said goodbye to Ron and Harry. "Scared to go alone to Hogwarts, Granger?" a voice next to her drawled. She looked up surprised. She hadn't heard that voice directed to her in years. She suddenly realized how weak she must look to the outsiders. Not even being able to go to school without her best friends without crying. She took a deep breath and her appearance changed. With her mask back in place, the mask she learned from Draco to never show weakness, she looked like the warrior she had become, instead of looking like a frightened schoolgirl. Ron was cursing him, but Harry looked confused as he saw them exchange a small grin.
The school year had barely begun, but Hermione was exhausted all the time. She barely slept with the nightmares playing on repeat and during the day she had trouble not looking skittish. Draco was there every night, in their place in the library or in the Room of Requirement. They always found each other, but just staring at the fire place with the occasional conversation, it wasn't the same as it had been more than a year before. They still found comfort, but she didn't feel as alive. Hermione had to remind herself multiple times she had a boyfriend in order not to jump on Draco, just to feel their passion, to forget their grief and to live once again. Instead she just curled up at his side and fell asleep before going to class together the following day.
It was beginning November in her eight year at Hogwarts, when Hermione received a letter from Ron. He told her he loved her, but this long distance wasn't working when they had barely been together before she left. Even though she agreed with him, it still hurt. She took to drinking, feeling the burden of the war and feeling as if her friends had left her alone. Draco was there for her, drinking with her, holding her hair back while she threw up, until she didn't turn up in class one day, favoring the Hogshead bar instead. Draco had made her quit cold turkey. They stayed in the Room of Requirement for the entire weekend. She had yelled at him, calling him a Death Eater and then she had just sobbed. He held her until she had cried herself to sleep.
Christmas was coming and Hermione was one of the few staying for the holidays. She had been sober for more than two weeks and she felt better. She had been bickering with Draco that morning in potion class, but for the first time in a long while it hadn't felt forced, but rather teasing. She found him later that night alone in the library looking at some of the destroyed books from the Final Battle. She walked up to him and hugged him from behind. "Thank you." She whispered in his shoulders and she felt him relax in her arms. He slowly turned around and hugged her close to him. "Good to have you back, Granger."
Even years later she would think back at that holiday and declare it the best she ever had. It certainly had been the wildest. After finding their rhythm of bickering and taunting again, they enjoyed the holidays together, just the two of them. After one very heated argument about how Hermione did not lift a finger while she knew Draco was marked at just sixteen, which Hermione countered by saying he just stood there and watched her get tortured, the sexual tension had just snapped. Hermione still blushed when she remembered the day in the restricted section, on the couch, the floor, against the bookshelf and the wall. It had been one of the most emotional days of her life, where lust, anger, grief and relieve had clashed, all while being very, very naked.
Draco woke up on his graduation day very satisfied. He smirked as he looked at the witch peacefully sleeping next him. He smiled even wider at that. Her, just as his own, nightmares had lessened considerably. Both of them felt alive again, the empty shells after the war long gone. His smile lessened a bit when he realized that today was probably the last day she would wake in his arms. No one knew about their relationship. He wasn't even sure how that was possible. People saw their spats as arguments between enemies, instead of a way to release stress and frustration. Or, on some occasion, even foreplay for the night that followed. But their time was coming to an end, he knew it. They were no longer lost and in need to find some comfort after the war. No, they had both found their path, career-wise at least. He was going to France to oversee the Malfoy company, and she would start her job at the Ministry. His mother would start forcing him into marriage, she would be reunited with Weasley. He wondered shortly if he should fight for her, but he dismissed it quickly. Their relationship had always been based on need and release. As the past few months had passed by, however, their fights had lessened. Their passion hadn't left, but their dreams and expectations differed. Their friends and family didn't know, and their sanity would shatter quickly if they would be taken away. He knew he would find solace in her, but he just couldn't deny her the life she deserved. He could never love her like she was supposed to be loved, because he barely knew what it meant.
Hermione woke up to kisses and with a pang in her stomach she realized this would be the last time she would wake up like this. She grabbed his hair and pulled him to her. She looked into those stormy grey eyes. The eyes of the boy, now man, who made her strong, made her better. They had told her how she could conquer the world, had showed her what passion meant and had laid out her darkest wishes. But she feared those wishes, her ruthlessness to take whatever she wanted, no matter the consequences. She squashed those desires and instead smirked up to him. "We better make it count today." The wicked smirk he gave her, made her accept how some part of her, would always belong to him.
As her eyes stayed glued to his she realized that in another life he could've made her feel complete. For as much as she loved her husband, he just didn't understand her. Didn't understand her passion to fight for equal rights, her love for books or how she wanted to make a difference in the world.
But most of all, he and her friends, they didn't know and would never understand the darkness the war had left in her heart. They seemed to brush off her streak of vindictiveness, her ruthlessness. The way she manipulated people in obeying her wished. They preferred to forget about it. But he had seen it, accepted it and had embraced it, even going so far as to help her develop it.
It was the reason why he would've completed her. It was why they could've been a power couple. A statement to the Wizarding World. It was the reason why they had let each other go, fearing the impact they had on each other.
And now, he was standing there with his wife and son on the same platform as she, and she wondered if they could've been more than coping mechanism to bury their darkened soul.
It was the reason why they weren't standing here together with their child. Because they both knew the darkness of each other's heart, a darkness they accepted in each other, but refused to acknowledge in themselves.