DISCLAIMER: Sensitive material! It's really sad and depressing.
I do not own Glee unfortunately!
I'm sorry this one is so sad. I just couldn't help but write it. I bawled the entire time. Hope you 'enjoy.'
ALWAYS PUCKLEBERRY!
Oh! Songs are… Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne and I Will Not Say Goodbye by Danny Gokey… and a smidgen of Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond
When I planned my future I always imagined her by my side. I imagined my proposal after prom, leaving for New York together the day after graduation, surprising her with a bouquet of lilies after her first Broadway show, watching her as she walked down the aisle in a white wedding dress, sitting next to her hospital bed while we stared at our first child together, crying with her as our last child is dropped off at college, sitting on our front porch, hand in hand, drinking homemade lemonade while watching the sunset. We promised each other forever, and now here I am, staring at her coffin as it's lowered in the ground. It's not fair. It's not fair that I'm the one left alone. There are so many people here who don't deserve to share this. People who treated her like shit, people who couldn't have cared less about her only ten days earlier, but I'm forced to be surrounded by them. I feel like I'm suffocating in their presence but she would have been happy. She would have loved to know that these people actually showed compassion at some point in their miserable lives. It should have been me in that wooden box. She was too good; she had too much heart to leave this world now.
I was broken from my thoughts by Finn's nudge. On top of dealing with the death of my Star, I was forced to sing a song to this group of strangers. I know Rachel would have been happy about it, but damn it if it didn't make this that much harder. I grabbed my guitar and walked to the spot I was supposed to take. I couldn't look up; I couldn't see the emptiness in her father's eyes, or the heartbreak in everyone else.
Na na, na na na, na na The day you slipped away Na na na na na na na I didn't get around to kiss you Oh The day you slipped away I had my wake up Now you are gone, now you are gone The day you slipped away Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere you're not coming back
Was the day I found it won't be the same no..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that I found it won't be the same oh...
I miss you
As I ended the song I felt the tears pour down my face. It was the moment that it became real. My Rachel was gone. I would never be able to hear her voice, hear her sing, feel her arms around me, smell her hair, hear her laugh, kiss her lips, or hear her say 'I love you' ever again.
I couldn't handle it. I couldn't take the thought of her not being there. I had to get out. I ran. I had no destination, I just had to run. I ran as long as my legs and dress shoes would take me. I had no idea where I was, I just laid on the ground where my legs had given out and sobbed. My whole body shook with the pain of losing her. Rain began to fall and still I couldn't move. I couldn't bring myself to stop. I know I caused a scene at the funeral but I couldn't take it. It didn't matter anyway. Nothing mattered. The only thing that mattered to me was now buried under layers of dirt for eternity.
I don't know how long I laid there but eventually I felt myself being lifted. My feet were back under me and I felt them moving, walking, but the rest of me was dead. I didn't look to see who was helping me, I didn't look to see where I was going; I just let them lead me. They could have led me to the edge of a cliff and I wouldn't have noticed, of course, I probably would have jumped. I had nothing. No hope, no care for my life, no care for anything. I was hollow. The only thing running through my body was regret and loneliness.
I woke later with no concept of time. I was in a bed, dry clothes on, but had no idea how or why I was there. I opened by sore and swollen eyes and realized I was in Finn's room. He must have been the one who picked me up last night but I still didn't have the heart to care. My Ma picked me up later in the day. I know she talked to me but I couldn't hear her. I saw everyone's mouths moving but I could care less what they had to say. It was probably more of the 'I'm sorry your girlfriend is now a corpse' or 'I'm sorry you now have no one in the world that gives a shit about you.' It took a few days before I began to hear people again, but it didn't change the fact that I had died with her and everything that I was, was buried six feet under in her coffin.
I went back to school a week later. It was still the same building, same kids in the hallway, same lockers slamming but it was empty. The one thing that brought that school to life had had hers snuffed out. I went to my classes like I would on normal days but don't remember being in them. The Glee kids kept coming around asking how I was, like I would magically be better or some shit. The moment I lost it was when Finn came to me after lunch.
'Hey man, how ya holding up?' he asked. I assumed if anyone would understand how I was feeling it would be him, so I was honest.
'I feel like my life is over dude. I can't eat, can't fucking sleep, I just can't do this shit.' I told him, trying to hide back the next round of tears I could feel coming. Of course, his next reply blew that to hell.
'She wouldn't want you to live like this Puck. You have to let her go. You have to live your life.' He replied.
'Fuck you! You don't know what the fuck Rachel ever wanted! You didn't know her! I can't just let her the fuck go! She meant EVERYTHING to me! She still means everything to me!' I yelled, tears pouring down my face. I never let him reply, I just slammed my locker shut and walked away.
I knew Glee would be awkward. The one's who didn't see my freak out sure as hell heard about it by the time school was over and I knew they'd be waiting to try and make me feel better. Not that I didn't appreciate the attempt, but really, unless they could raise her from the fucking dead, I was done. I walked in to the choir room and avoided the stares from everyone as I sat down.
'Considering the events of the past few weeks, why don't we take today to sing about our feelings? Does anyone want to go first?' My hand shot up.
'It's good to have you back Puck, come on up.'
I walked up and walked straight to the piano. I put every ounce of emotion I had into the song, hoping that everyone would understand what I was trying to say.
Sometimes the road just ends I don't want to feel better Cause I don't wanna feel better I will curse I will laugh
Changes everything you've been
And all that's left to be is empty
Broken, lonely, hoping
I'm supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye
[ Lyrics from: .com/lyrics/d/danny_gokey/i_will_not_say_ ]
They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying
If I can keep on holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye
I will pray
I'll relive everyday
I will shoulder the blame
I will shout out your name
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say
Will not say goodbye
Will not say goodbye
Will not say
Oh, whoa, whoa, oh
I looked up when I finished seeing everyone's tear stained face mirroring my own. I stood, grabbed my bag and left. I heard everyone calling my name but I didn't turn around. I was never going back.
I got to my house and went straight up to my room. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, knowing that if I left without leaving a note, my Ma and sister would never forgive me.
Ma and Naomi,
I always wanted to be better than Pops. I never wanted to leave you two alone like he left us. I tried to be a good man, a better man, but I'm not. I'm worse than he'll ever be. I might have stood a chance with Rachel's help. Hell, she even got me excepted into NYU. But all that's over. I'm not going to NYU. I'm not going to give you a house full of Jewish grandbabies. I'm not going to marry a good Jewish woman. I'm not going to walk across that stage next May at graduation. I'm done. I would have done all of those things. Hell, there's a ring in my sock drawer I was going to give her after prom in April. But things have changed… I can't learn to live half a life. I thought I was strong but I'm not. I hope you both will forgive me one day. I hope that you will remember the good years that we had and forgive me for all of the ways I messed up. Please give Finn my guitar, Artie my Xbox, and the rest you can trash. Please tell Quinn that I'm sorry I screwed up her life but that I love Beth very much and I would have done anything for that little girl. I love you both so much and I'll see you again some day.
Love you forever,
Noah
I folded the letter and placed it on top of my guitar on the living room couch. I grabbed the picture of me and Rachel off of my dresser; grabbed my favorite sweater of hers that still smelled like her, downed the bottle of sleeping pills from my ma's medicine cabinet and laid down in bed. My tears came back as I smelled the light smell of vanilla mixed with the intoxicating scent that was Rachel. I snuggled into the sweater as much as possible. I began to sing softly, pretending she was the object in my arms…
Sweet Caroline, good times never seemed so good…
Slowly my world began to darken and for the first time since she'd left, I smiled. I was going to have My Rachel back…