Disclaimer: Its on my Birthday List guys, but so far it aint looking good...
Summary: It hurts hurts hurts and I hate hate hate that. [angst, mentions of what could be onesided BL and het
SLoW and STeaDY SeLF-DeSTRuCTioN
It hurts when you smile at me, because I know its a false smile.
It hurts when you kiss me, because I know you don't really want to.
I hate it all because I love you, and I hate you too - because you don't love me.
I hate myself mostly, because I can't find the courage to end this, don't have the guts to say 'go to him' when I don't want you with anyone but me.
I hate that you close off, and what you show is what you think I want to see, because I know that's all you're showing.
I hate that I can't sleep anymore... sleeping is dangerous when I know you'll just wake me up with your dreams and your nightmares, even though they never wake you up.
I hate everything. I've never felt more like hating exsistance, and i've never had so many homophobic thoughts in all my life.
I hate crying myself to sleep, but it's the only way I seem to be going lately... with you murmuring at my back and my tears soaking through the pillow in front of me.
It hurts when you touch me, because I know you wish my breasts were his chest.
It hurts when you make room for me, because you always make to much, as though you were making room for him to slip beside you instead of me.
I hate that I can't NOT see it, that I can't just pretend and beleive that you're with me because you love me and we can live happily ever after.
I hate that he tortured you, and you let him keep torturing you because you can't say 'im going to him'... just like I can't tell you to.
I hate that I don't really want this to end, despite the fact that we're just killing ourselves and each other one tiny bit at a time.
And it DOES hurt, and I DO hate it, but its not solving a goddamn thing because you won't just outright say 'I dont love you' and I can't stop hoping that you will never say 'I want him instead'.