heartless
unrelated drabbles.
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Ritsuka comes back from the battle coated in dirt and a bit of blood and even more lies and deceit and questions. Submerged in sudsy water he scrubs the offending filth (naiveté stupidity wanting needing ignorance) off himself, leaving himself rubbed raw and red and scalding.
He can feel innocence being torn from him.
He can feel the burden of adulthood hanging heavy on his back like expectations and obligations.
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When Seimei thinks about it, he pities Soubi, for he is broken in all manners and by some wicked magic is still able to move and kill for his master.
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Ritsuka hatesdetestsloathes when Soubi says "I LOVE YOU". Because love is weakness. Because love is pain. Because saying you love someone is holding out your heart in your palms, raw and vulnerable and pumping vital fluids, and telling them to cherish it. And then watching them tear it to bloody chunks with their bear hands, grind it to dust under their feet.
Saying "I love you" is making yourself easy to hurt and expecting them not to hurt you despite that.
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Yuiko, deep down inside- swimming in her mind no matter how hard she forgets. Whenever she looks at the way HE looks at HIM- whenever her heart clenches and skips a beat, two beats- whenever he adamantly refuses to believe it's true- whenever he forgets her- no matter how much it pains her- she has lost him to the strange (but oh so cool) older man with the wicked crazy killer smile.
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Seimei loves being depended on. He is the one Ritsuka depends on; he is the one Ritsuka runs to; he is the only one Ritsuka loves and that is what Seimei loves the most.
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Before Soubi, Ritsuka hated anyone but Seimei touching him. Deplored it. Loathed it.
Ritsuka thinks this (a little sadly at how much he's changed- a little angrily at how naïve he used to be). Ritsuka thinks this as he stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, hands (still childishly small) prodding the patch of scalp where his ears used to be.
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Sometimes Seimei lies awake late at night, unable to go to sleep because the phantom sensation of a smaller body curled up against his side leaves him with such a burning want he can think of nothing else until the sun rises again.
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Kio is blindingly, overbearingly obvious and he knows it and that makes it all the more rejecting that Soubi doesn't seem to give a shit.
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"Where did she get you?" Seimei's voice is soft and gentle and loving and Ritsuka's pain is momentarily forgotten.
"It's not so bad," he says, but he's already lifting his bleeding hand because he knows his brother will patch it up anyway.
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Ritsuka knows his brother isn't really dead. He knows this, but it doesn't get rid of the corpse tied to his desk, reeking of charred and peeling flesh and kerosene. It doesn't destroy the memory ("oh my god my brother's dead he's never coming back no no no") and the pain and the funeral and the crying. It doesn't make him forget any of that and despite the love he has for is brother (spilling over the edges of himself and onto everything he is; claiming his brain; claiming his heart, still sluggishly beating in his chest), he knows a part of him will never forgive him for what he did.
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end