Author : Cypres
Beta : gloaming grove
Couple : IchiRuki
Disclaimer : I don't own Bleach.
Summary : He was so young and foolish and innocent, and she was so old... Rukia knew from the start that their relationship was doomed to fail, but Ichigo always made her feel so alive. Now, she has to make a choice. And she would do anything for him.
AN : Past events
Present time
Nameless
"Ichigo, we can't. You're only fifteen....
"You know my mind isn't the mind of fifteen year old boy anymore, Rukia."
"We're in the middle of a war..."
"And then? This way, we can take care of one another and comfort each other," Ichigo cut in again. "We also can protect each other. You know I will protect you, Rukia." His hand had moved to Rukia's neck and caressed her cheek.
"…"
"Please Rukia. If you say no, then I'll stop at once and we'll never mention it again."
Rukia looked long into the amber eyes of the young Shinigami before answering. "Yes."
He smiled at her answer. "Thank you, Rukia."
#^¤^¤^#
She knew… She knew from the start that this oh-so-innocent seeming deal was doomed to fail. She knew Ichigo was young –so young- and foolish and innocent… She knew she was old –so old- and dull and tainted…
Yet, she also knew how she craved his presence, how she liked to be with him without somebody around, how he made her feel alive… And she wanted to make-believe he felt the same way.
So when his hands touched her further and further down, when his kisses became more urgent and melting-hot, she let herself go. And forget. And she believed Ichigo's words of love to be more than they were.
"Is our agreement still effective now that the Winter War is over?" Rukia asked after they broke the kiss.
"Of course it is!" He kissed her cheek while she stared up at him.
"Then what are we going to do?"
Ichigo thought for a moment. "Well, I think we'll settle down and find a job. But first thing first, we should move out from the kitchen. Do you mind?"
" It's fine with me."
She checked for the last time if all his suits were all clean and neatly tidied up in their designated closets. He always was a clean freak; the thought made her chuckle. The laugh died in her throat when she saw a strange empty place between all the photos glued inside one of his closets.
Before, during, and even after the Winter War, Ichigo had taken some pictures of her and put them on display around the house. She had quietly slipped them into her own album almost a month ago. He never noticed.
Rukia just had poured the ingredients into the waffle maker when Ichigo entered the kitchen with a little grin.
"The guys called; Ishida, Chad and Orihime." He plopped down on the chair, not aware that Rukia had stilled when he said the girl's name. "They would like to come and spend a week with us, just for old times' sake."
"That's good." She pulled the first batch of waffles out and placed them on a plate. "An idea about what we could do?"
"Don't worry; we would go with the flow." Ichigo grinned. He reached for Rukia's waist and pulled her to sit on his lap. Nuzzling her neck, he explained further. "They will arrive this afternoon; so I invited them to come to dinner tonight."
#^¤^¤^#
Maybe it was just an impression to Rukia but she felt like Orihime didn't expect to see her at dinner. More than once, the auburn-haired girl looked at her like she was some curious specimen in a freak gallery.
The week was nice; meeting again and joking like when they were in high school was refreshing. Ichigo seemed to thrive in their friend's company. Rukia enjoyed the week too, but couldn't help but feel a cold shudder every time Orihime stared at her longer than usual. As if Rukia wasn't where she should have been, as if she didn't belong here.
When the week ended, Rukia noticed that Ichigo had started to talk often about Orihime. Then, she learned that Orihime had moved a few blocks away from them.
#^¤^¤^#
"Rukia, I'll drive Orihime home. Don't wait for me."
"Okay. Please be careful." Rukia glanced at the untouched dinner on the table and left for the bedroom.
As the car wheels screeched on their gravel driveway, Rukia sat on the chair near the bedroom's French doors. She knew she would stay awake until he came home.
#^¤^¤^#
And this was just the beginning…
#^¤^¤^#
"Rukia! Orihime and I are going out! Will you come with us?"
Rukia dutifully noted that the 'us' that Ichigo referred to wasn't the 'us' of Ichigo and Rukia anymore.
She smiled softly, ignoring the knife-like pain slashing deep everywhere inside her chest. "I'm sorry but I can't tonight; I have some late reports to finish for Ukitake-san."
Until a month ago, Ichigo would have noticed that where she usually kept said-reports was free of any paper; or that the faint spark of light she used to have in her eyes disappeared whenever Orihime was mentioned.
But a month already passed by; so Ichigo just nodded and hurriedly walked toward Orihime's car.
Rukia waited until they were out of view to let the first teardrops fall.
#^¤^¤^#
Back then, Rukia knew that the things she believed in were changing right before her eyes. She was becoming obsolete in a world that wasn't hers to begin with. And she called Ichigo the foolish one…
She knew then that she wouldn't be an actor of the piece anymore. And like a spectator intrigued about a bad show, she felt the agonising need to watch it until the very end, even if it meant her own utter destruction.
#^¤^¤^#
Rukia answered the phone after putting down her laundry basket. "Rukia's speaking."
"Hello Rukia".
"Hello Orihime." Rukia's smile cracked, even if Orihime couldn't see it. "Ichigo isn't here. Will you leave a message?"
"Actually I want to talk to you." Rukia heard her intake of air. "Don't use Ichigo as your sex toy. If you want someone to have sex with, you can find other people to satisfy your needs."
Rukia's gripped the phone tightly and reminded herself to stay calm and collected. "I don't think you have a clear…"
"Cut out the act for me, Rukia. If it wasn't for you and the on-going shit that follows your every step, Ichigo would have been a 'normal' boy. Seen his scars? I wouldn't have had to heal all those wounds from the Shinigami crap and what ever." When Rukia didn't answer she continued. "Tell me, what can you give him? I can give him a family. A normal life. And you? What can you give him? How can you deserve him?"
When the silence became obvious, Orihime disconnected the call. But even as seconds, then minutes, passed by, Rukia just stood there holding the phone in her loosened grip. She stared blankly at the wall until she heard the time-switch beeping sound.
Rukia hurried to do her laundry and tried to push this conversation to the back of her mind until she had finished dinner.
Ichigo will be home in just a few hours.
#^¤^¤^#
Orihime repeatedly called every day, always when Ichigo was at work. Rukia settled for listening to her rants, which sometimes lasted for fifteen minutes, sometimes less. And sometimes, Orihime would just spit "You don't deserve him" before hanging up.
Ichigo never knew about those calls; Rukia never told him. Moreover, he was so tired after his days he usually ate with her before taking a shower and going to bed.
Rukia wasn't a fan of physical contact, but she would honestly admit that she missed cuddling with Ichigo or even making love with Ichigo… Or was it having sex…?
She missed him. That was the one and only truth.
#^¤^¤^#
"You don't care about him like I do! I love Ichigo, and without your licentious presence he will love me back soon!" Orihime gasped in fury and Rukia stayed silent.
She was taken out of her musings as Orihime voice resonated. "I had put my life on line for him. And you? Where were you when he was bleeding to death after killing Aizen? With your brother? Or with" she almost spat "Renji-kun?"
"I care about Ichigo, and I will-"
"There're so many people waiting for you in Soul Society. So, why can't you leave him!? He is the only one for me; I knew it since we've met. I waited after the Winter War; you were supposed to leave him and go back to your world! But you didn't…He… He's the only one…"
She sounded so hurt that Rukia's protests died on her lips.
#^¤^¤^#
She spent this whole night looking at Ichigo's sleeping face longingly. Did he really want her even if she wasn't fully human? Would he still care for her when everything will settle again? Human were so changeable… By staying with Ichigo, she was hurting their friend. Maybe she was the only thing that was tying him down. But thinking about leaving Ichigo was not even bearable…
Rukia then decided to accept what fate threw in her way. If he wanted her, she would not refuse. Ichigo might not think of her as his lover, but for Rukia, Ichigo was her lover. She would do anything to protect Ichigo and make him happy. Even if that meant leaving…
#^¤^¤^#
Rukia was reading for a bit in the living room when the earthquake hit. First, everything inside was shaking lightly, then she felt like something large and metallic was trying to destroy the house back wall. When it stopped, she roamed around the house to see what suffered from the quake and the phone rang.
Ichigo's voice started as soon as she picked up. "Rukia, Orihime's landlord will need some time to repair everything the earthquake damaged. I told her she could live here for a while, is that okay with you?"
The pain she felt this time was unlike the other times; this time, the knife was already so dull that it felt agonizingly slower yet still more excruciating than before.
"Of course it is, Ichigo."
This night was the first night Ichigo didn't come back home.
#^¤^¤^#
Some may have thought she was being stupid; she could have told Ichigo everything about those damned calls back to the first time Orihime saw her all those years ago. She should have fought against Orihime…
But Rukia knew what those kinds of confessions would achieve. The result would make Ichigo unhappy. And the last thing she would ever think to do was to be the cause of Ichigo's depression. Especially after all she put him through.
So she didn't say anything about this night out and waited for him as always for breakfast. And even so, she still couldn't believe anything bad about him. Ichigo had meant those sweet whispers at the time… But, thinking of this evening she could no longer pretend to herself anymore. She feverishly threw all her grooming products in her valise. She already had re-organized the closets and cleaned everywhere, in order to leave nothing of herself behind in the house.
#^¤^¤^#
"Ah, Rukia!" Ichigo grinned at her and Rukia felt elated. "I don't know if the guest's room can actually be slept in so Orihime will sleep in the main bedroom, okay?"
Orihime smiled and Rukia felt like she had a huge lump stuck in the back of her throat. But she did live up to the Kuchiki's name.
"Don't worry I cleaned the main and guest bedrooms yesterday."
"You didn't have to, Rukia. I'll sleep-"
"No. I want to do that. Besides, I have to visit my brother in Soul Society."
Rukia felt stabs of pain in her heart, but she steeled himself. She was used to the pain. Pain of being rejected, abandoned, or treated like animal. This was not as bad as those... wasn't it?
In the end, she was lucky that Ichigo cared for her. It was enough for her. More than enough.
#^¤^¤^#
Sitting on the freshly made bed, she looked around. It took her a while to make sure she was done as tears shimmered in her eyes every time she stopped on a once-special place. Nothing was left to show she had ever lived there. She had stocked the refrigerator enough to last him a month, the dishes were made and everything was clean… She didn't have an excuse good enough to linger any longer like she was currently doing.
She smiled bitterly, her hand on her forever flat stomach.
A female Shinigami. Never a woman.
Ichigo needed a fresh start, and with the one who was right for him from the beginning.
By the time she gathered herself together and left, the clock upstairs struck two pm.
*-*-*-*
When Rukia found herself throwing up her breakfast three weeks later and for the fourth day in a row, she couldn't help but wish to turn back the hands of time.
A/N : I'm still not sure what I think of it... I'm still a bit skeptical but my lovely beta told me a sequel would be nice. So please let me know if you like it and if I should continue by reviewing. Thank you for reading.
A/N : I almost forgot!! Kuchiki Rukia 7, please send me a mail on fanfiction(dot)cypres at gmail(dot)com!