Emmett's Mom, a twilight fanfic

Disclaimer: This will be the only disclaimer I bother to add to this story. So you'll just have to be smart cookies and remember that I don't own anything that you recognize and the stuff that you don't recognize… I probably don't own that either. But I can tell you that to the best of my knowledge this is an original fanfic. Well, as original as a work of 'fanfiction' can be anyway!

Author's Note: This work of fiction is brought to you by the use of imaginary crack and the song "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne. And for the record, this chapter contains the entire bastardized version of "Stacy's Mom" as reworded by me just for this story. I'll add the whole 'lyrics' portion separate from the musical portion at the end of this chapter. This is being posted as a One-Shot with potential to expand. I don't write much anymore and it entirely depends on fan support as to if this story will continue.

Chapter 1 - AKA the Prologue

Emmett's Mom: the Musical

Eighteen-year-old Emmett McCarty leaned against the rear end of his jeep in the Forks High School parking lot and waited for his girlfriend to arrive. He had already heard the rumble and purr sounds that accompanied the arrival of his best friends and knew they would be beside him shortly. For now, he idly watched as his mother took a few items from the passenger side of her beastly truck before heading back into the school. She was subbing for one of the teachers today and he knew instinctively that his friends were going to give him shit about that fact.

Just as he was about pull out his cell phone to call his girlfriend, he felt a light thud against his bicep and looked to the side. One of his two best friends was now leaning against the rear of his jeep next to him and staring in the same general direction Emmett had been staring. He rolled his eyes; such a fact was common with his best friends. He reached out and knocked his knuckles gently against the shaggy blond head of his friend.

"Hey Jazz-Man."

The blond head turned toward him briefly, gray eyes reflecting a murky purple off of the heavy clouds above before narrowing almost dangerously. "You didn't tell me that she'd be here today…"

Emmett rolled his eyes Heavenward, muttering a quick prayer for strength to survive the day. "So sorry Jasper." His voice practically dripped with sarcasm. "I completely forgot that I'm supposed to report the daily activities of my mother to you."

Brightening immediately, Jasper Whitlock gave a wide grin before turning his gaze back in the direction in which his friend's mother had disappeared. "You're forgiven! Just don't let it happen again."

"What aren't we letting happen again?"

The voice belonged to the third member of their rather Musketeerian arrangement: Edward Masen.

Jasper leaned enough to peer around Emmett's bulk to Edward and said in a rather significant tone. "She's here today."

The reaction was automatic. Edward had no need to ask who 'she' was as he straightened up and narrowed his bright emerald eyes at Emmett. "And you didn't warn us?"

"Oh for crying out loud!" Emmett tossed his hands up in the air and thankfully, was saved by the arrival of his girlfriend. "Thank God you're here!"

His obvious relief and excitement at her arrival caused his girlfriend to beam before bouncing over and pulling his head down to plant a kiss on his lips. "Are they laying into you about something already, baby?"

Emmett nodded, "Mom's here today; subbing for Mason."

His explanation was all it took to have his girlfriend giggling. The fact that his best friends were both head over heels for his mother hadn't exactly been a secret since summer camp two years previously.

"Poor baby…" His girlfriend cooed, reaching up to brush her soft palm against his cheek. "Don't let the big buttheads ruin your day."

Emmett almost allowed himself to relax, but he knew better. His best friends were not going to allow this to drop so easily. And just the fact that he could hear them whispering behind him and start snickering was all it took for Emmett to know that his day was going to be Hell. Turning around, the six-foot-five giant gave his meanest glare to his best friends.

"Just drop it, guys."

Edward and Jasper rewarded Emmett with their most innocent and angelic expressions. Emmett groaned at the sight and turned, starting to walk toward the school entrance to walk his girlfriend to class. He cringed as he heard them start to hum a familiar tune as they followed him and his girl Alice.

"Guys, seriously… Don't."

Jasper gave a wicked grin toward Emmett's back and started singing to the tune of the song… "Emmett's mom has got it goin' on…"

Emmett's steps faltered, but he recovered quickly. He picked up his pace in an attempt to put more distance between him and the duo even as Edward picked up the next line.

"Emmett's mom has got it going on…"

Emmett's snarl was accompanied by his girlfriend's giggles.

On the next line both Edward and Jasper were in synch… "Emmett's mom has got it going on…"

And loud enough to catch the ears of the nearby students, the boys of which joined in on the next repeat! "Emmett's mom has got it goin' on!"

Suddenly Jasper was on Emmett's back, singing in his ear. "Emmett, can we come over after school?"

Emmett almost fell for it. "You guys always come over…"

"After school!" Edward added the affirmation of Jasper's question, cutting off Emmett and causing the ox-sized teen to huff with irritation before closing the door to his and Alice's first class in the duo's faces.

Just as Emmett was about to sigh in relief, he heard a voice from behind.

"We can hang around by the pool!"

Emmett turned, coming face to face with Mike Newton who was flanked by his regular cronies Tyler Crowley and Eric Yorkie. It was Mike's cronies that picked up the tune to Mike's sung line.

"By the pool…"

Alice laughed, walking to her seat even as Emmett crossed his arms and looked sternly at the trio of retards. "You guys know we don't have a pool…"

"Class, settle down…" Mr. Banner called them to order.

Emmett sighed with relief, hoping that it was over for the day. But he hoped too soon…

Tyler popped up as Emmett was heading out of the class with Alice. "Did your mom get back from her book signing tour?"

Tyler soon became aware of his girlfriend's nearby presence as Lauren Mallory smacked him upside the head at hearing his question.

While this was happening, Mike and Eric perked up at the question and asked Tyler, "Book signing tour?"

Emmett's expression turned confused as he focused on the boys. "Dudes… You didn't see that she was here today?"

Emmett may as well have said nothing, because Jasper was back and had heard that the goon squad was still singing. He laughed as Mike turned to Emmett with another sung question.

"Is she here, or is she trying to give me the slip?" There was an almost stalker level light in Mike's eyes as he made his inquiry.

But that didn't stop Emmett from hearing Jasper's rather sleazily sung along comment of, "I'll give her the slip…"

Getting frustrated, Emmett did the first thing that came to mind and grabbed both Mike and Jasper by their heads, roughly clonking their skulls together before letting go and walking Alice to her next class.

Jasper rubbed his head as he followed Emmett into gym where they met up with Edward. He gave Edward the thumbs up sign and mouthed a line while tilting his head at Emmett's back. He winced slightly, rubbing his hand through his shaggy blond hair again.

Edward smirked and waited until the boys were out of the locker room and working on that day's segment of the school's weight training block before singing out the next line. "You know I'm not the little boy that I used to be…"

Emmett lost his grip on a free-weight, almost crushing Demetri Volturi's head in the process. Thankfully Coach Clapp hadn't been paying attention. He turned to glare at his friends just in time to see Jasper flexing for Angela Weber and Demetri's younger twin sister Renata as he sang. "I'm all grown up now, baby can't you see?"

"Knock it the fuck off already!" Emmett growled.

"McCarty!" Coach Clapp yelled. "One more word like that out of you and you'll be staying after class!"

Edward and Jasper knocked their fists together and snickered at Emmett's misfortune. But they at least waited until after class to harass their friend some more.

Out in the hall, they met up with Jasper's younger brother Peter and his girlfriend Charlotte Denali. Jasper smacked Peter's shoulder and nodded toward Emmett.

Charlotte, catching the gesture, giggled.

Peter grinned and sang out loudly, "Emmett's mom has got it goin' on!"

Emmett's hand made a nice slapping sound as it connected with his own face. He groaned with frustration and continued walking, managing to ignore his best friends as they sang in unison.

"She's all I've wanted and I've waited for so long!" Jasper and Edward got the attention of the nearby boys again and other voices picked up what had quickly become 'Harass Emmett Day.'

"Emmett, can't you see?" Eric, Riley Hunter and Demetri's twin brother Felix joined with Peter's voice.

Jasper and Edward answered, "Your mom's just the girl for me!" They seemed to realize what they were doing and a minor competitive glare was shared between the two.

Not noticing what was going on, the earlier quartet continued, "I know it might be wrong…"

Edward, still glaring at Jasper, joined his blond best friend on the next line. "But I'm in love with Emmett's mom!"

"I seriously hate you guys, just so you know…" Emmett slammed the door to Jefferson's class, the one class he thankfully had without annoying pesky friends… Ah, and that he did have with his sweet little Mary Alice!

For the next hour Emmett had blissful silence, holding hands below Jefferson's line of sight with Alice as he did his schoolwork. Alas, his peace did not last long for his friends were waiting for him as soon as he emerged from the room with Alice at his side!

"Emmett do you remember when we stayed the night?" Jasper seemed very intense as he stared Emmett in the eye.

Startled, Emmett actually tried to think of which time that they had stayed the night before Edward ruined it with the added, "Stayed the night..."

"Your mom came out with just a towel on…" Here Jasper's attention seemed to drift off as he reminisced.

Edward nodded enthusiastically, saying the "Towel on" repeat just a bit too loudly as it caught the attention of male ears all around.

All the guys within earshot stopped and listened intently even as Emmett ground his teeth together. "Shut… The… Fuck…"

Emmett never got a chance to finish because Jasper snapped out of his memory.

"I could tell she liked me from the way she stared…"

Edward glared at Jasper before recalling that Emmett's mom had also looked at him that night and he added his line. "The way she stared."

Jasper leaned against a locker, eyes drifting closed. He seemed to drift into the memory again and took long enough for Edward to take over.

"And the way she said, 'Please move the bed over there…'"

Jasper gave a dreamy sigh as he affirmed Edward's words, "Bed over there…"

Something in the air warned both boys in time to dodge out of the way just before Emmett's beefy fist slammed into a locker and left a good-sized dent in the metal. They split, heading to their next classes in silence as quickly as they could…

Emmett was safe.

At least until lunch!

Alice was telling Emmett over lunch about something she had purchased that he would really appreciate when his peace was once more shattered; this time by Edward!

"And I know that you think it's just a fantasy!" Edward was wearing a crooked grin and was about to sing the next line when Jasper butted in and stole it from him!

"But since your dad's been gone your mom could use a guy like me!"

Before Emmett could even process that his friends were still hung up on irritating him, Edward was chasing Jasper around the cafeteria for stealing his line!

Alice rubbed Emmett's arm in a soothing gesture and gave him an apple. "Don't worry, my bear. They'll get over it soon."

But her words were not to come true yet as the dastardly duo had rallied support on their romp around the room! Suddenly, male voices broke out everywhere!

"Emmett's mom has got it goin' on!"

Edward and Jasper cut in with, "She's all I've wanted and I've waited for so long!"

The other guys added, "Emmett, can't you see?"

"Your mom's just the girl for me!" Jasper and Edward shared another glare.

"I know it might be wrong…"

Emmett really wondered how his buds got the other guys to risk his wrath in this way…

Speaking of buds… "But I'm in love with Emmett's mom!" They were certainly getting more open about speaking their feelings on the matter of his mother…

After lunch, Emmett headed off to Trigonometry with Mr. Varner while Alice headed to home economics. He wouldn't see her again until after classes. He sighed, slightly bummed at the separation as usual. He didn't have long to be bummed when Jasper's brother and the eldest of the Volturi siblings sang out from nearby.

"Emmett's mom has got it goin' on!"

Emmett was so sidetracked by conking Peter and Demetri upside their heads that he didn't hear Jasper as he wandered by.

"She's got it goin' on…"

Edward actually looked kind of heartbroken when he sang the next line, leaning sideways against the lockers as he watched Emmett's mom head into Mr. Mason's room. "She's all I've wanted and I've waited for so long…"

His pose didn't last long; Edward turned a frustrated glare toward Riley, Mike and Tyler as they added, "Waited and waited!"

Heading out of Varner's room, Emmett's face was stuck in a glare. Edward and Jasper flanked him as they all headed for their last class of the day and softly sang along with the louder and more rambunctious boys who sang the next line.

"Emmett, can't you see? Your mom's just the girl for me…"

Mike sang out loudly, "I know it might be wrong!"

Edward sighed, taking his seat. "I'm in love with…"

Tyler butted in, "Emmett's mom… Oh, oh…"

Jasper looked wistful. "I'm in love with…"

Eric piped up. "Emmett's mom… Oh, oh…"

Both Edward and Jasper suddenly jerked around, some internal sense kicking in and they unintentionally added the next line of the song. "Wait a minute!"

All of the guys in class, except for Emmett, Edward and Jasper, ignored the glares of the girls to sing. "Emmett, can't you see? Your mom's just the girl for me…"

Edward and Jasper, unable to help their selves, added their voices softly to the next line. "I'm in love with Emmett's…."

"MOM!" Emmett's loud yell knocked sense into everyone just as his mother opened the door to the classroom. He immediately turned red as his mother blinked her large brown eyes at him and crickets could have been heard for all the noise there currently was in the room.

Making her way into the class, Emmett's mom paused in front of her son's desk. "Now sweetheart… You know I've asked you not to call me mom when I'm substituting for a class you're in. It just isn't fair to the other kids." She condescendingly took a handkerchief out of her pocket and used it to wipe an imaginary spot from Emmett's cheek causing the large teen to burn an even brighter red.

Emmett cleared his throat, restraining the urge to roll his eyes while everyone else in class snickered at his misfortune. "Sorry, Mrs. McCarty…" He promptly planted his face on top of his desk, trying his best to hide the fiery blush on his face.

His mother grinned at him, making her way up to the front of the room. "Now… As everyone should recall, my name is Isabella McCarty. Today we're going to be taking turns reading passages from A Midsummer Night's Dream, as Mr. Mason will be returning tomorrow…"

After classes, Emmett headed out toward his jeep with Alice at his side. Edward and Jasper were with them and all four were silent. Emmett because he was giving the silent treatment to his best friends and them because they knew he'd hit the first one that said anything to him. Thus Edward was doing some strange eyebrow wiggling at Alice trying to get her to instigate a conversation…

Alice, after deciding Edward might need to check into some anti-anxiety medication, turned to Emmett. "So… Why were they giving you grief today?"

Emmett sighed, resigning himself to his fate. "Apparently it was my punishment for not telling them that mom was going to be here today."

His traitorous girlfriend laughed at his misfortune. "Is that all?" She giggled some more, waving to Angela as she brought her boyfriend Ben Cheney over.

Angela greeted everyone in her usual demure manner, linking arms with Alice as the headed for their various vehicles. "What's wrong with them?" She tilted her head toward the boys, all four of whom were following quietly, being the silent and broody types…

"Emmett's upset because Edward and Jasper got almost the entire male school population to sing about his mom today."

A peal of laughter came from Angela, which she quickly stifled. "Is that what was going on? Thanks to those two bozos, I've had that tune stuck in my head all day…" She exchanged a quick glance with Alice before adding. "Not that I can blame them. I'd totally do Mrs. McCarty if the opportunity arose!"

There was suddenly absolute silence from behind them, enough for Alice's response to be clearly heard. "I know, Bella's a total MILF if ever there was one!"

She and Angela looked back just in time to see the all four boys fall over their own feet, glazed looks on all four faces. Both girls burst out laughing and continued to their cars as if they hadn't just fried the brains of their boyfriends and friends.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town…

A pale hand reached out to adjust the radio station. Suddenly, older lyrics filled the dark interior of the car as it twisted down the tree-lined road.

'Stacy's can't you see, your just not the girl for me…'

Before anything else could be done, another pale hand swatted the first away from the radio and turned it off. "Please, Uncle Carlisle… We're almost to the new house, can't we just have some quiet for a while?"

A soft sigh was heard before the assent was given. "Of course, Kitty. Whatever you want…"

Emmett's Mom: The Lyrics!

Emmett's Mom has got it goin' on…

Emmett, can I come over after school?

(After school)
We can hang around by the pool

(Hang by the pool)

Did your mom get back from her book signing tour?

(Book signing tour)
Is she here, or is she trying to give me the slip?

(I'll give her the slip)

You know I'm not the little boy that I used to be
I'm all grown up now, baby can't you see?

Emmett's mom has got it goin' on.
She's all I want and I've waited for so long!
Emmett, can't you see?

Your mom's just the girl for me…
I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Emmett's mom!

Emmett's mom has got it goin' on…
Emmett's mom has got it goin' on…

Emmett, do you remember when we stayed the night?

(Stayed the night)
Your mom came out with just a towel on…

(Towel on)

I could tell she liked me from the way she stared!

(The way she stared)
And the way she said, "Please move the bed over there."

(Bed over there)

And I know that you think it's just a fantasy,
But since your dad's been gone, your mom could use a guy like me!

Emmett's mom has got it goin' on.
She's all I want, and I've waited for so long!
Emmett, can't you see?

Your mom's just the girl for me…
I know it might be wrong, but I'm in love with Emmett's mom!

Emmett's mom has got it goin' on.

(She's got it goin' on)
She's all I want and I've waited for so long!

(Waited and waited)
Emmett can't you see?

Your mom's just the girl for me!

I know it might be wrong…

I'm in love with…

(Emmett's mom oh oh)

I'm in love with…

(Emmett's mom oh oh)

Wait a minute…

Emmett, can't you see?

Your mom's just the girl for me!

I'm in love with Emmett's mom!