Panty Passion – A DUET FANFIC
by Ako_Kanmu and Rowiez
Summary:
ROWIEZ NOTES: yeah this chapter is
mostly just full of nonsense and how Draco is crazyyyyyyy and yep ^-^
AKO NOTES: Uh.. Sorry if this offends people. But IT'S TOTALLY BASED ON OUR RETARDNESS.. Rowiez basically wrote it out and I… added stuff… mostly the things that are most stupid.. AKA…stickmen? O_o
ENJOY
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"Okay, spread your legs and take off those pants" The gynecologist told Draco while thrusting some gloves onto his hands.
'Boy, is this one a hottie. He's going to make one good lay,' he thought.
"WHAT!?!?" Draco stood up and smacked the gynecologist across the face, "HOW DOES TELLING MY PROBLEMS TO A PSYCHIATRIST SUDDENLY TURN INTO A STRIP TEASE?!?!"
"Err… I was testing how angry you are," the gynecologist said quickly.
"Oh," Draco said and sat back down. He began to tell the doctor his story.
"I used to be normal ---" Draco Malfoy said as he moved his butt around his chair, as if he was trying to hump it.
"Used to? Draco Malfoy..." the doctor licked his lips as his eyes wandered down to Draco's crotch.
"--- but only until the incident...I had never enjoyed dropping glass bottles twenty-five stories, and watching it break into a thousand little pieces." Draco started to laugh wickedly at the thought, "Hah! Isn't that quite funny? A bottle breaking! Bloody hell I'm funny! Imagine that bottle being Harry Bloody Potter ---"
"Uh... please explain more about this 'incident' you were referring to." The doctor began to draw little stickmen without clothes on with crayons.
"DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING DAMMIT!" The sudden yelling caused the gynecologist to drop his crayons on to the floor.
"Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Malfoy." He coughed and picked up his crayons and began sketching again.
"Well," Draco cleared his throat, "It all began on a beautiful Saturday morning..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Draco Malfoy, also known as Hogwarts' sex god, was the hottest guy in school. Every girl in the wizardry world would have died to meet him, or would have fainted in his presence. He was quite a charmer!" Draco exaggerated.
The gynecologist sat with a puzzled expression on his face, 'Hmm… His mother was right...he is crazy....and… crazily sexy'
"Well anyway, he had many girlfriends in his years in Hogwarts. Lots of them were beautiful girls that every guy goggled over. They had the looks, the body, and ...well... not quite the personality, but their good shag sure made up for it! Well, he thought he could have any girl he wanted --- but he was wrong. There was a girl...well I wouldn't say she had the package but Draco Malfoy actually liked her for other reasons than determination of getting into her pants before you could say Wingardium Leviosa."
"Hmm, interesting..."
"You see, whenever she smiled it lit up the whole room! Her beautiful juicy lips accented her face. Oh - and don't forget about her braces... Every time I saw her eat, I wanted to lick every inch of food out of her braces… boy, was she hot." Draco felt drool dripped out his open mouth while he sat there, beginning to get a bit big down there.
The doctor, curious of what girl made Draco so horny; asked him, "Mr. Malfoy, what was this girl's name?"
Draco stopped drooling for a second to answer, "Gee, she went by the name of Melinda Flint."
Dr. Flamand's eyes widened, 'F..F...Flint?!'
"There was a huge problem though.....Melinda hated Draco Malfoy - CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! - and well... she had a boyfriend." Draco frowned in disbelief.
"You're kidding me!" said Dr. Flamand as he started to stroke Draco's leg.
Draco cocked his eyebrow at the doctor's sudden movement and stood up, "No, I'm not kidding... but I sure wish I were. You know that bloke Longbottom? --- What was it...Ned? Nathan? Nimsy? Oh… yeah Neville --- well he was going out with MY woman!" Draco hit his fist on Dr. Flamand's table, causing it to dent.
Draco began circling the Doctor's office and stared at his pictures. He turned so that his back faced, to get a better view of the pictures, giving Dr. Flamand a nice view of his buttocks, "Why are there so many pictures of men?"
"Oh, um just personal...uh reasons you know. But please go on with your story." Dr. Flamand covered his crotch with his clipboard to prevent Draco from seeing.
"Well the two were going out for most of the year, I EVEN FOUND THEM SHAGGING IN A DAMN BROOM CLOSET! Hmm… Melinda is quite a moaner, you know I heard those kind of woman are ---"
"Oh, don't get out of topic now Draco," Dr. Flamand interrupted while trying to hide a pile of 'Play Men' magazines.
"Well I was quite angry and wanted Melinda! I did everything I can do... Tried seducing her - and no that didn't work -" Draco was interrupted.
"S-s-seducing?" Dr. Flamand loosened his tie a bit. He felt himself get very hot all of a sudden.
"Yep, covered myself in whip cream and ONLY whipped cream, and asked her if she wanted a little treat," Draco said casually as he sat down again.
Dr. Flamand nervously started to lick his lips, "u-u-uh...."
"Blackmailed her, well...EVERYTHING... she still didn't leave Longbottom for me! So I remembered what my father told me when I was little, 'Malfoys resort to drastic measures when wanting something,' and that's exactly what I did! I attempted to make a love potion! First I ---"
"And did that work?" Dr. Flamand wanted to know how exactly to make a love potion so he can try it on the young man in front of him.
"What did I say about interrupting me?" Draco retorted, "oh, and did you know that your chair is quite uncomfortable?"
"Yeah, I know but ---"
"Well anyway, I went up to Snape's potion room rounding up the items for the love potion: Fluxweed, Horn of Bicorn, Knoxgrass, Lacewing Flies, Leeches, Skin of Boomslang, and Cat Claws. It was quite scary how Mrs. Norris kept on following me around, but I wasn't scared...if you were wondering...--- oh write that down! 'Draco Malfoy not scared of cats!' "
Dr. Flamand rolled his eyes as he began to write DRACO MALFOY IS NOT SCARED OF CATS on his clipboard with a bright red crayon.
"I obtained most of the ingredients easily except for the bloody cat claws! So there I was searching around Snape's room when I find two old containers. They seemed quite ancient so the labels were worn out. One old jar was labeled 'cat aws' and the other was an orange box called 'Koh's Original Kitty.' I decided to take the box since there seemed to be a picture of a cat on it."
"That was quite stupid," said a man as he entered the room, holding a sketch of a house. He seemed to be in his early forties and wore a tight purple shirt that showed off his chest. From head-to-toe, he wore a designer outfit. He even had a fluffy pink scarf to match his shiny shoes. "Hi, I'm Mr. Norbert. You could call me, well, Mr. Flamand's partner in crime," Mr. Norbert winked.
A shade of pink appeared to overwhelmed Dr. Flamand's face. "Um y-yeah," Dr. Flamand stuttered, "I'm happy you could join me and Draco Malfoy."
"I'm glad to. Please go on with your story." Mr. Norbert smiled flirtatiously at Dr. Flamand.
'Am I missing something?' thought Draco, "Well umm... where was I? Oh yeah well I added all of the ingredients to the potion and I was finished! The only next step was for me to slip it into her pumpkin juice at dinner. But... that's where the story twists a bit. Well there I was cleaning up in the Potion room when suddenly Mrs. Norris hops onto the table and jumps into my bloody cauldron! I couldn't do anything since I didn't want to touch that filthy cat! Bloody cat thinks I can save its ass! Who does she think I am? Bloody Harry Potter?!?! Why I can --"
Dr. Flamand started to clear his throat loudly.
"Well I found this broom on the floor so I started whacking it, waiting for the cat to grab on so I could pull it out before it ruined my potion."
"Did it ever occur to you that the cat jumped in because you added CATNIP and not cat claws?" Mr. Norbert laughed, or more like - giggled.
Draco felt himself shudder after hearing him giggle.
"Ugh no don't be stupid," Draco snorted, "Anyways, soon the cat stopped moving and just floated there."
The 'couple' broke out in laughter, laughing so hard they had to hold onto their sides. "AHA YOU AHHAAH KILLED THE CAT?!?! AHHAHAHAHA!"
"WHAT?! It's not funny!" Draco started jumping up and down, causing the building to shake.
"Yes it is!" the two crazy men laughed while holding each other and trying to stop the laughs.
After the two stopped giggling, Draco continued his story. "Soon Snape came in... followed by Filch and then everything turned hectic. They thought I killed the cat! ---"
"But you did." The two men began to fight which stick man that Dr. Flamand drew looked most realistic.
Draco glared at them, making them stop.
"---Filch was SO angry that he quit! That damn bloke quit! Can you believe it? So to learn my lesson, Dumbledore decided I would take his spot until they find a replacement. Draco Malfoy, as a school custodian? Who would think we'd see the day."
"Sad...very sad," said Mr. Norbert, trying to hide his laughter.
"So I never really got the chance to give the potion to my dear Melinda, and to make matters worst - on the last day of school Longbottom proposed to her!"
"He didn't!" They both tried to act astonished but failed.
"Oh yes he did!" Draco exclaimed, "Now I'm left with nothing...and having to stay back in Hogwarts for probably another year."
"That is really sad!" They accidentally dropped the sketch of their houses on the floor.
"Exactly! And from that moment... I started to do 'odd' things. No, I'm not mad... just - you know!" Draco huffed and put his hands on his hips.
"Gay?" They started to laugh again...laughed more...and more... until they were rolling on the floor not able to control their laughter.
"STOP LAUGHING AT ME!" Draco growled and stood up. He then grabbed the chair he was sitting in and threw it out the window. He left with the last word, "Did I not tell you that this chair was uncomfortable?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
ROWIEZ A/N: hehe I hope you liked that first chapter! Just shows how uh weird Draco is o.O yep! Please be kind R/R! XD
AKO A/N: I think I liked this chapter better before I edited it and made it all… screwed up.
ROWIEZ A/N: NO YOU DIDNT :o ako made it better =)
AKO A/N: eww… o_o no…