Cigarettes…

Matt continued to frown at Mello across the coffee table strewn with paper documents, cigarette ash and the occasional electrical wire. Mello merely stared complacently back taking a bite from his chocolate bars every few moments. There wasn't really reason for the surveillance video to be muted, but now that it was Mello thought that it was too late to change it, as I would murder the awkward silence.

The PSP sat abandoned on Matt's sofa beside him, the last sound it had made was the jingle of 'game complete' two days ago, and after that, it lived no more. Now all attention, good and bad, was all directed at Mello, whom to be honest, did not all that much care. After all, Matt couldn't do anything except glare and blow smoke in his face which most certainly no longer bothered him since the chance of him dying of a heart attack were now over 67% anyway.

"Why don't you get fat?" Matt snapped into the dark, dark silence as Mello snapped yet another chunk of chocolate.

Blankly, Mello calmly returned: "Why don't you have lung cancer?"

Matt growled very inwardly. "I hate you. It's ok for you to get more chocolate, but no, not stupid little servant Mattie- he can't have anymore fucking smokes-!"

"Shut up, Matt. It's not my fault you didn't think ahead and buy stocks! Is that what this has all been about? You and your bloody cancer sticks? Gawd, you're such a whin-"

Before he could finish the sentence, the other man threw the PSP with full force down at the coffee table, shattering the device and sending shards of metal, plastic and ash over the room. The blond uncoiled and opened his eyes staring in shock and confusion at Matt's shaking white fists.

"Goddammit, Mel! Why do you have to be such a hard bitch? Always with the cold shoulder, you're always right," Matt slammed his hands on the table his face now red with anger and eyes screaming of sadness. "Always the most important, always about you for fuck's sake!"

With every slam of his fist upon the table, Mello flinched and sunk a little further into the sofa torn between fear and outright anger.

"It's not my fault Near beat you; not my fault you refuse to let anyone help you or give up your stupid-fucking-arrogant-pride! Mello, Mello, Mello- always, always second," both boys' eyes began to water, Matt's face screwed up in a gargoyle-like tension as he screamed at the blond on the sofa, "well guess who's always third! Just a nobody that's who! Isn't that right? Never good enough for you, always that little bit thicker than you- second to the second! You don't see me brooding over it, barking orders to my friends; I don't have a fucking inferiority complex!"

As the tears flowed from his eyes creating pools of salty water in the bottom of his goggles, Matt heaved a great snarl into the stunned, dead silence and snatched the other boy's hair. The sudden offensive caused Mello to kick out, only to destroy the laptop on the table instead. The two struggled for a moment, both lost deep in a fight neither really wanted to win.

Mello sat at the kitchen table, puffy eyed and compressing a cut on the burnt side of his forehead. Though Matt's outburst had placed him in a state of shock, he had known something was coming. He'd been quieter, more brooding, less than keen to help out or even look at him much. He had noticed straight away of course, but being the person he was, Matt's emotions hadn't been a priority in the fight against Kira. He knew he should not have neglected his one and only friend. Matt was one of the only two people in the world who understood him, put up with him, and even sacrificed their own well being for him when no one else could or would: and the other one was his arch rival!

He didn't like this feeling. He felt in the wrong; it made him pennant. He felt out of time.

Hot stinging tears dropped from his eyes as he thought about how scared- how cowardly- he was to be shaking with shame. The sobs overwhelmed him. Matt was right- honestly right- for the first time he'd shown Mello a mirror. And the truth scared him more than a thousand Kiras...

Matt stood at the end of the table watching Mello cry guiltily. He reached out his hand to Mello's blood smeared fist but at his light touch, the table clunked and the chair flew backwards with a scraping that made his fingers tingle.

Mello stood against the counter catching his breath, both he and Matt perfectly still. He considered - fleetingly - leaving but he was barely standing as it was, so they merely stood for a few minutes, eyes continuing to return to the gun on the table and the door. But never at each other.

Mello felt such a coward in himself, the man who had conquered the American mafia mercilessly; had acquired the murder notebook without breaking a sweat; had blown himself up in pure stubbornness. Now, he could not look his best and only friend in the eye. What was wrong with him? His high blood pressure started the head wound bleeding again.

Matt didn't even know what to say. He wouldn't apologise for his words because he was right. Mello had injured him pretty badly too, so he couldn't apologise for the fight. He couldn't ask for things to go back to before: he didn't want to just be friends again. What was he so angry about? Even he couldn't answer. Though his outburst had been the overflow of built-up truths, it was not those issues which had upset him in the first place. Nor the chocolate or stupid cigarettes. It's not like he wasn't used to Mello's personality and attitude. Hell, that's why he was so able to be his friend- he didn't mind Mello…

Then why? Why was he angry? Why had he felt so helpless? So stuck? So alone?-

"Why did you leave without saying goodbye?"

Mello raised his eyebrows. "I didn't."

"You left Wammy's that day leaving nothing but a..." He clenched his fists to stop them shaking, "did you mean what you said in that note?"

The bleeding blond was taken aback by this new attack in the form of nostalgia. "…Of course I did. I always meant it, Matt."

"Which bit-?"

"All of it!" He stepped forward, incensed by the doubts. "I meant it all."

Matt smiled, small and hard. "That we would be as one again? That we would be happy together once more?" Matt scoffed at the irony of it all. "Oh yeah, that part about 'I promise you, once this whole kira thing's over- when the time is right- I will contact you and then you can join me in our new life.' Oh, the insincerity!" His tone was mocking, arms waving dramatically; it hurt him to repeat the words that had caused him so much pain.

"Matt, I…" Mello blushed slightly with embarrassment at his fifteen year old self's words.

"Yours for eternity, eh? Is this what you call your happily ever after? Is this the right time?" his voice began to rise though he spoke with clenched jaw and he advanced as Mello stepped back (thankfully, there was a considerably larger table in the way this time).

"Matt, it-"

"Can we be happy now, Mello? Do you know how it felt to hear your voice again after four fucking years, only to hear that you've blown yourself up!" Mello began to taste the blood in his mouth, "that wasn't even the problem…I mean, I was glad to help you, glad you were alive really- didn't care how or why, just…we would be together again…" Matt sniffed as his voice broke. "The only thing is…we aren't, are we?"

There was a long painful silence, even the world outside seemed to sense the atmosphere in that room. Neither of them really knew what would happen next.

"I…guess not…not until… K-Kira…" Mello needn't go on. He could feel what little was left of Matt's feeble hope fading into nothing and Mello's last promise was broken. A sigh broke the following silence and next Mello knew a battered, torn, scrunched piece of paper sat before him on the table. He recognised his own handwriting.

"I'm sorry, Mel." For the first time in the conversion they looked at each other. "I wish…it's not…" he sighed, defeated, "I hope you can do it Mello- capture Kira. Do what's right. Use me however you see fit. I've nothing to lose anymore." With that, the red head smiled sadly at his soul mate and walked out of the room and out of the flat.

Mello didn't move 'til the darkness settled through the flat and when Matt came back home, a packet of cigarettes sat beside the carefully folded letter.

Matt,

L is dead, Kira killed him, and though I left Near to succeed L, I will beat Near to vengeance!

I can't stay here, now that Near is named. Please understand that I have to leave and carry on my own life, my own way.

Yes, I've left Wammy's but I haven't left you behind so please don't think that. You've made this place bearable and you're the only person I'm fond of in this world. Know that I would be with you forever once Kira is dead. I will not rest until he is finished and then we can be happy together once more.

I promise you I will not fail and will not lose to Near. I swear that once this is over and Kira is dead-when the time is right- I will contact you and you can join me in the new world. I'll need you in it, Matt.

So I'm not saying goodbye.

Yours forever,

Mel