She felt hollow.
She felt like shed been cut down the middle and split in two.
She couldnt breathe.
Half of her was missing. Lost forever, never to be seen or found again.
Buffy
She refused to leave.
Leaving meant that it was real. That he was really gone.
Its dark, pet.
She looked nothing like the girl hed come to know and love over the last few years. Buffy Summers was a ghost of her former self.
It was evident that shed been crying non-stop since the ceremony 2 weeks ago. Her eyes were swollen red and puffy and her skin pale. She had dyed her hair back to its natural dark brown a few days after the ceremony and her body, even though it was hidden beneath the oversized football jersey that looked a lot like her brothers, was gaunt and very thin.
Spike let out a sigh. She looked so fragile.
Your mom called me again, luv. He slipped his hand into hers, just like he had the day her brother had been lowered into the ground. You cant keep running off in the middle of the nigh like this.
Hes gone
Hearing her voice made his heart break.
I know, luv. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze and followed her gaze to the tombstone she was staring at blankly.
Liam Angel Summers
Beloved Brother and Son
1984-2009
Who gets to decide? She couldnt stop the tears that slipped down her cheeks.
Spike was at a loss for words, not knowing how to respond to her question.
Who makes the decision of who stays and who goes? He was young and he was happy. Her shoulders were shaking with the force of her tears. Why didnt they take me instead?
Buffy dropped to her knees, tears falling from her face onto her brothers grave. She raised a hand up and traced his name.
It should have been me.
Buffy. Spike knelt down beside her and met her teary eyes.
Is there something wrong with me?
Pet?
That I should want it to be me in there instead of him. It should have been me. She reached up and lightly touched the A on the tombstone. I was supposed to pick Mom up at the gallery that night.
You cant keep doing this to yourself, pet. Spike stood and gathered her into his arms.
It was the third night this week that Joyce had called him to help find Buffy, the third night this week that hed found her staring blankly at her brothers eternal resting place. He wasnt surprised that Joyce had turned to him for help; after all he was her deceased sons best friend. Spike had spent enough time at the Summers residence over the last few years to be practically family now.
For as long as he could remember he had spent every other weekend with Angel at his house, whether It be to train for soccer or just hang out. Over the years Spike had grown quite attached to if not completely besotted with the younger Summers, not that she ever knew his true feelings.
Angel, his fellow team-mate and best friend had died in a nasty car accident a little over a month before, leaving his 19-year-old sister and mother behind. Buffy had been absolutely devastated, completely withdrawing into herself and not leaving the house at all.
His visits had become less frequent over the past weeks; the Summers werent the only ones who had lost someone close.
Joyce still rang him though, making sure that he was doing ok and to give him updates on Buffy and her ever-decreasing status. After every phone call, his heart sank just that little bit further.
Cmon luv, les get you home.
This had to stop.
...............................
Is that Buffy?
Spike couldnt believe what he was seeing. Hed finished training with the boys half an hour earlier and had agreed to spend the night hanging out at the Bronze. He didnt know what to expect coming here tonight but it certainly wasnt what he saw now.
He was stunned into silence at the image before him.
This was the last thing he had expected.
But there she was, up and out of her house and at the Bronzedancing andwas that a smile?
She hasnt left her house since it happened. Xander, forever Mr. Obvious, pointed out as Spike made his way to where Buffys friends were sitting. Except to attend classes of course.
She got here before us! Willow sounded surprised and Spike spared her a glance. She was making with the laughing and being overly giddy.
Thats the dance of one brave little soldier, Xander noted, nodding in Buffys direction as she giggled and swayed to the beat.
Are you kidding me? Cordelia, Xanders girlfriend, snorted as she took a sip of her drink.
She looks like shes doing better, Willow insisted, glancing from Cordy and towards Buffy who was laughing andstumbling towards them.
Shes holding on by a thread-
Hey guys. Spike! Buffy squealed and barrelled into him for a hug, pushing the stool her jacket was laying on onto the floor. When did you get here?
Any ninny can see that, Cordelia continued as she raised her eyebrow in point as Spike picked up the two empty bottles of beer that had fallen from Buffys stool.
Are you drunk?
Thats a very strong worddrunk. Buffy stumbled away from Spike and his quizzical gaze. Tipsy maybe, but drunk. Nooooo.
Buffy,
What! She snapped, snatching the empty bottles from his hands. So what if I am, huh? Im allowed!
Youre 19 for Chrissake!
Maybe we should Willow stood and grabbed Xander and Cordelia by the arms and pulled them towards the dance floor.
It numbs the pain, ok?
Buffy, you cant turn to alcohol to solve your problems.
Here you go, babe. A dark haired man walked over and handed Buffy another beer, oblivious to Spike glaring at him.
Who are you?
Parker, and you are?
So going to kick your ass! Did you know shes only 19? Spike growled as he attempted to grab the beer from Buffys hand.
19! You told me you were 21!
Oh for Petes sake! Buffy growled as she grabbed her jacket and stormed past the two glowering men.
She took a few more swigs of her beer before dumping it on a nearby table and walking out the exit and into the night. She didnt get far before Spike caught up with her, looking not at all happy.
What are you playing at?
He grabbed her arm and spun her around to face him.
Excuse me?
How did you even get him to buy you alcohol? Scratch tha, I dont even want to know. Im driving you home. Spike dragged her across the lot and helped her into his DeSoto. Why are you doing this to yourself? Hes gone, luv. Hes not coming back. Spike watched Buffys shoulders sag and knew she was still as broken as ever. You need to move on with your life, pick up the pieces and carry on. Angel would have never wanted to see you like this, pet.
He turned the ignition on and turned to meet her eyes, his own filling with unshed tears at the look on her face. She didnt say a word as he pulled away from the parking lot and drove the short distance to her house.
Wheres Joyce?
L.A. Buffy wiped the tears from her cheeks and stared up at her empty house. Joyce was the owner of Sunnydales best art gallery and was constantly driving back and forth between her L.A. suppliers and home.
I though-
Just because hes gone doesnt mean her work load stops. Before Spike could reply shed exited the car and was halfway up the driveway, staring up at the dark house.
Angel always kept the lights on for her when she came home from a night out.
Buffy He turned off the ignition and walked after her. Are you going to be ok? He tentatively reached out and touched her arm as she placed the key in her front door. If you need anyone to talk to, you know Im here, luv. Whenever you call
Hes been there my b whole /b life. Her bottom lip was trembling as she met his eyes. Ive always had a big brother, Spike and I dont know how to live without one. Her hands were shaking as she brought them up to run through her tussled brown locks. It hurts to talk. She brushed away her tears and met his eyes. It hurts to breath. Her whole body was shaking. So unless you have any idea of how to make all of this better, then I dont want to talk right now.
She turned the key in the lock and was stopped from going inside by Spike who grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to him. Buffy felt his tears on her shoulder as she cried into his chest.
I cant handle anything right now. I feel so lost all the time, Im not me without him here. She pulled back and walked inside, turning to let him enter after her and meeting his sad gaze. Is there something wrong with me? She choked the words out with a sob as she hugged herself, her dark locks falling over her face.
Theres nothing wrong with you. Spike took a step towards her after shutting the door and brushed the dark locks from her face, lifting her chin so her eyes locked with his. I cant understand why youd want to change or hide anything. He stroked her cheek and smiled sadly. I wouldnt want you any other way.
Buffy couldnt take the intensity of his eyes and, a few tears slipping from her eyes, she turned away. How am I supposed to go on without him?
Please dont turn away, Buffy.
It scares me, she turned around again. I feel numb all of the time, except when youre near.
Dont fight it, pet.
Youre the only one that makes me feel. How can I even-
Spike took a step forward and cupped her cheek. She looked so torn.
How can I-
Im here, pet. He lowered his head and gently kissed her on the lips. The kiss was short, like a peck. Whenever you need me. He kissed her on the cheek and wiped away her tears. Whenever you call.
Buffy was sobbing as he kissed her cheeks and held her against his chest.
Whenever you fall, he kissed her full on the lips again, for longer this time, before pulling away. Ill always be by your side.
Buffy couldnt fight off the feelings anymore. She brought her head up and met Spikes lips in a tender kiss. This time when he came to wrap his arms around her waist she didnt fight him off, didnt fight what she was feeling. She welcomed it.
Please, she met his eyes. Will you just hold me?
Spike nodded his response and followed her up the stairs into her room. He slipped his boots off and laid down on her bed opening his arms and smiling when she snuggled into his side. Her eyes closed when he began idly running his fingers through her hair.
For the first time in weeks Buffy felt content. She felt safe and warm. More importantly she felt loved.
Spike kissed her forehead gently before closing his own eyes and drifting off into a peaceful sleep.
i
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Here at my side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
/i