Author's Note:
I got this idea from reading a one-shot
called 'Die Voldie Die!' and decided to
put out a one shot based on that, I plan
to do at least one more, also, if you wish
to learn more about the two main characters
please read 'Global Justice File X 767 0051'
Enjoy!!
It was an unusually warm night in Godric's Hollow, especially for Wales in October, but the tall deathly pale individual making their way into town that night could honestly care less, he was far more concerned with the task at hand.
Tom 'Lord Voldemort' Riddle had come here to do something that all would-be tyrants have to do quite frequently, that being the elimination of threats to his power. Serverus had come to him with the first half of a rather interesting tale he had overheard in the Three Broomsticks some time the previous day, and while the it did seem rather vague, Tom had never been one to overlook potential threats.
Thusly, after a few moments of consideration, he had decided that perhaps erring on the side of caution would be prudent, and really, the list of individuals that fit the prophesy requirements was rather small. It seemed it would either be Frank and Alice Longbottom, or James and Lily Potter. He had sent Bella to deal with the Longbottoms, while he had selected the Potters.
He almost chuckled at the blindness of old man Dumbledore, he trusted the safety of two of his biggest fans to an old spell like the Fidelious, and then failed to realize that he had allowed the traitor Pettigrew to be the secret keeper, one would assume that Dumbledore himself would choose to be their secret keeper, but honestly, who knew how the senile old fool's brain functioned.
Still it had made finding the location far easier and that was at least a blessing. It seemed the Potters chose to do their hiding in a small cottage not to far from the Potter family ancestral burial grounds, to which Tom got some degree of humor from, after he was done, the authorities wouldn't have to move them very far.
It was a quiet walk up to their hiding place, Tom had decided to take a stroll there so as not to tip off any watchers that may or may not be around, he could care less if he had to kill off any reinforcements, as he knew he could deal with all but the most powerful of wizards with ease, he was more concerned with allowing the Potters the opportunity to escape, making the trip fruitless, which was an inconvenience he wasn't willing to abide by.
He had made it through the outskirts of the small township and slunk his way toward a small cottage on the edge of town, he had just made it to the opposite side of the road, and was just about to enter the cottages property line, when he heard a fizzing noise off to the left and behind him.
FWWSHHH!!
Tom reeled around prepared to destroy whomever had dared get the drop on him and had to stop for a moment.
Two men were standing side by side, leaning up against the home he had just passed, the shorter of the two appeared to be around five feet, ten inches tall, and maybe two hundred pounds, blond haired, and possibly of German ancestry. He was was wearing a muggle business suit, black in color, with the jacket removed and he had an odd vest over it with a number of pockets and also had what was unmistakably a muggle handgun in a holster on his belt.
His associate was quite the opposite in appearance, he was at least six feet, four inches in height, and must have been at least three hundred fifteen pounds, he had long scraggly black hair, and a goatee, and might have been of eastern European decent (he certainly looked like a Cossack) and wore opposite fashion, that being jeans and a tee shirt, except for the dark vest that was identical to what the other man wore, but he had a muggle pump action shotgun in his left hand.
The source of the noise Tom heard was the blond haired man lighting a road flare and lifting towards his face to light a cigarette before passing it to the larger man, who used it to light up a cigar, and then tossing said flare off to his right, which clattered against some trash cans, and elicited a loud meowing from a cat, to which both men chuckled, before the dark haired one began to speak.
"Hi dick head!" he said
"Evening Tommy boy." the blond one said while smiling
Tom who had planned to kill them both instantly, decided to hold off for a few moments so as to figure out how these two muggles could have learned his well hidden birth name.
"How dare you speak to Lord Voldemort in such a fashon!" he told them in his most condescending and commanding tone, they both looked at each other and chuckled again.
"He thinks he's a bad ass or something" the tall one said
"Well Walter did say his sources told him this guy had a couple screws loose" the shorter one said before they both turned to face him again and spoke.
"Well sunshine, allow us to introduce ourselves, I'm Chris" the tall scraggly one said.
"And I'm Andrew," the shorter one said, "and we work for the Hellsing Order."
Tom was suddenly very worried, while he had taken measures to ensure that wizards and muggles could only destroy his physical form, he had no idea about what the Hellsing groups pet abomination could do to him, considering he devoured souls and all. And if these two muggles brought the No Life King with them he could be in too deep for his own good.
Though he didn't feel anything that would indicate the presence of that monster, he decided to be careful, get some more useful information out of these two, kill them and leave quickly, he could always send Lucius to do the deed in his stead.
Raising his wand he pushed down his nervousness and used his commanding tone again, "Do you believe that intimidates me? I am the single greatest wizard of our time, your Order means nothing to me!"
Chris spoke up first. "You're a bad liar Tommy I saw a little panic there, I'd worry too, but don't fret, Big Al isn't with us tonight, he's off doing more important stuff."
Despite being insulted that they believed he was of such low importance, Tom's confidence shot up ten-fold at hearing that, now he could kill these two, kill the last of the Potter clan and be done, so it was more forcefully that he spoke his next words. "I've decided to be more generous since you've chosen not to inconvenience me with a mere vampire, you will tell me how you know of me, and I will make your death's relatively merciful."
Andrew spoke next, "Cocky one aren't you? we're not going to be doing the dying tonight, but we were going to tell you that anyway," he looked to Chris, "may I?"
Chris nodded "by all means, feel free."
Andrew nodded back and turned to look at Tom, "One of Hellsing's contacts on the wizarding side of things said you'd probably be here tonight, and considering what a wonderful track record you people have of not having your shit together, we have to solve the issue of you before we get back to doing more important things, so with you we decided to take the advice of a true monster, a 'muggle' named Josef Stalin, who once said 'no problem can not be solved with death, no man, no problem'.
Tom laughed, "and you two muggles intend to kill ME!"
Chris smiled and shook his head. "No, we brought someone to do that for us, the most powerful, misunderstood, terrifying fighting group ever known."
Tom blanched for second, "The Israelis?" he ventured.
It was Andrew's turn to smile, "about as bad. BOYS!?" he shouted the last word as though summoning someone.
Suddenly there was the sound of drunken marching in all directions, as Tom saw he was indeed facing the most dangerous force the United Kingdom had ever known:
Drunken Soccer Hooligans.
There must have been hundreds of them, all of them brawler sized men, and the lightest armed one amongst them was carrying a three foot length of Iron pipe, and the worst part is that they were a collected group and all for one team. Specifically, they all wore some article of something that proclaimed them to be Manchester United fans.
Tom was about to hex the first wave of them and beat a hasty retreat when he noticed for the first time that his wand was no longer in his right hand and that he was instead clutching a Liverpool scarf. He looked back to the two muggles who started all this, only to see both Chris and Andrew with Manchester Scarves wrapped around their necks, and noticed that Andrew was using his (Tom's) wand to pick his teeth.
Tom looked around only to see that he was surrounded and that the hooligans were all staring angerly at the Liverpool scarf in his hand, and then he heard Chris shout a sentence to the crowd that filled Tom with dread:
"Look Boys, a Liverpool fan!"
The screaming crowd was on top of him before he even had a chance to apperate, the last words Tom said that were heard before Chris and Andrew lost sight of him was a cry of "Not the face! Not the fa..."
At this point one James Potter stuck his head out the door long enough to attempt to see what was going on, and ducked back inside once a Whiskey bottle smashed against the siding accompanied by a cry of "Sod off ya piss ant!!! He's ours!!" ducking back into the house, he was met with the concerned eyes of his wife and first born son.
"What's going on James?" Lily asked clutching her son tighter.
"No time to explain love, get into the basement!"
"Is it death eaters? The Dark Lord?" she said.
"Worse, hooligans!" He almost shouted.
Soon both of them were running for the cellar.
Meanwhile Outside:
The crowd parted a bit and allowed both Chris and Andrew to see what remained of their target, it appeared that there was a puddle of red Jello wearing black robes in the middle of the road.
Both men smirked as they eyed the corpse, and decided it was a job well done.
"Well that's done, what should we do about those things the contact told us about, you know, the soul vessel things?" asked Andrew while rummaging through the former Dark Lords robes, looking for valuables
"We need Alucard to destroy 'em, lets get to it tomorrow." Chris suggested.
"Deal, hello what's this?" Andrew said, standing back up with the Dark Lords money bag. Both men looked inside it, and promptly whistled.
Andrew looked to the crowd of rowdy soccer hooligans and spoke, "you done good boys, drinks are on this wanker!"
"OY!!" was the collective response of the assembled crowd.
As they marched off to the nearest pub, both men had a thought, 'London's never gonna know what hit it when this party is done.'
-END-
Author's Note:
There you go! PS: as far as I'm concerned, Hellsing and Harry Potter exist in the same
universe, and besides, this is meant to be funny.