A/N: Title is, of course, from the Skeeter Davis classic.
Kane woke him out of a sound sleep to give him the news.
"Clarke says she's leaving," the chancellor told him. "I tried talking her out of it but you know Clarke. Better than anyone. She's...not listening. And," his sigh sounded defeated, "Abby's frantic."
Bellamy's heart had dropped into his stomach at Kane's first words. He dressed hastily, the fear coming in waves.
"Why the hell would she do that! After I made O promise that Clarke would have one of the Skaikru places?"
Kane sighed. "She said she doesn't deserve it, and besides..."
"Fuck that! If anyone deserves to live, it's Clarke! Who the hell does she think kept them alive all this time? Who risked her life to defeat ALIE?"
Bellamy's knew he sounded angry, but inside, it wasn't anger at all. He was nearly frozen with terror. "Dammit, Kane, we just barely managed to put down Jaha's rebellion. How the hell could she even think about leaving now? It would be especially dangerous outside now with everyone we had to force to leave this bunker."
Bellamy suddenly found he couldn't meet Kane's eye. Of all the unforgivable things he'd had to do since reaching the ground - and god knew there'd been plenty. He had't lied to Riley when he'd called himself a murderer - forcing out his fellow Arkadians who hadn't been lucky in the lottery was by far the cruelest. Especially when he knew that he was the reason they were being tossed.
But he could never have just left Octavia to die. It would have been...unthinkable.
And he sure as hell wasn't letting Clarke die either.
"Where is she now? I'll...talk to her."
That prospect was nearly as daunting as the idea of Clarke leaving. They hadn't really talked in days. Not since he'd driven back to Arkadia and she'd gone on to the island with Roan and the fuel.
Not since she'd jolted him by telling him that he was special. And what the hell had she meant by that, anyway?
Not since he'd tried to tell her...what exactly? He'd never been sure what it was he'd intended to say at the moment, but in the end it hadn't mattered. She'd stopped him. Hadn't wanted to hear it.
Bellamy had thought he'd have more time. Time to figure it all out. Now that they were finally, finally safe and he could have more than ten crisis-free minutes. But it looked like today was the day he going have to explain to her very carefully exactly how important she was to him.
"Where is she?" he bit out, all at once impatient, scared to death that she'd leave before he could get to her.
Kane nodded his understanding. "She's not leaving in the next five minutes, Bellamy, and...I really don't think this is any kind of...death wish."
"Well, then, why the hell...?"
"She's going after Raven."
"Raven? There's still a way to save Raven? I thought it was impossible. We're a long way from the island."
"Clarke intends to use the truck. She's got one of the engineers trying to figuring out how to seal the cab."
"What? She thinks she can drive all the way to the island before the death wave comes? And back again?"
Bellamy could feel his agitation increasing. When it was only Clarke feeling unworthy, he'd thought he probably had a good chance of showing her how truly important she was, how deserving of salvation. That he could talk her out of leaving. But now that he knew she was on a mission to save someone as important to her a Raven, his confidence in his ability to stop her began to plummet.
"She can't open the damn door!" he declared forcefully, grasping at straws. "We're sealed up now, but if she opens the door..."
Buy Kane was already shaking his head. "She's found another entrance, Bellamy. With a fully sealable airlock. That's where the hazmat suits are."
Bellamy's eyes widened in surprise. "Hazmat suits?"
"Yes. The real deal. Not like the half-assed one you tried to duct tape together in Arkadia."
But instead of making him feel better, the prospect of a hazmat suit increased Bellamy's agitation exponentially. It gave credence to this insane mission. Not that he wouldn't give anything to save Raven, because of course he would. Or almost anything.
He wouldn't give Clarke's life.
"But what about when she gets back. If she gets back." Even Bellamy could hear his own growing frustration. "The Skaikru spots are all taken. Even if everyone agreed to let Clarke back in, how does that help Raven? The grounders are never going to agree to make an exception for an extra Skaikru."
It was when Kane shifted his head, suddenly not meeting his eye, that Bellamy finally got it.
"She's going to try to substitute Raven for herself, isn't she?"
Kane's answer was the tiniest of shrugs.
"Over my dead body."
There was no heat in his reply, no anger, no emotion of any kind. Just a promise. And as soon as Bellamy said it, he knew it was more true on this day than on any of the other danger-filled days that he'd spent on this fucking planet.
XXXXXXXXXX
It was only by sheer luck that Bellamy found Clarke in her newly-assigned - and if he couldn't convince her otherwise, shortly-to-be-forfeited - quarters. She was hurriedly filling a pack with what looked like the most easily-scavenged supplies she could find, apparently having solved her engineering problem in sealing the truck's cab.
"Clarke!"
Her back was to him, but he saw her shoulders go rigid. When she finally turned to face him, her arms were wrapped around her middle in a stance that had become increasingly familiar to him over the past couple of weeks. Clarke gave him a small smile, although her expression was wary.
"Bellamy."
Her voice was low, just like always, but perhaps a little huskier than normal. Or maybe that was just his ears playing tricks on him.
"Are you settling in okay?" she asked, when he continued to be silent.
Bellamy nodded, but he wasn't wasting time on pleasantries.
"Yes, but apparently you're not, since you seem so intent on leaving."
She gave a small, involuntary gasp of surprise.
"What, you didn't think Kane would tell me?" His voice was urgent as he moved more fully into the room to confront her. "Did you think you could just slip away and no one would notice? That I wouldn't notice."
"Bellamy..."
"Dammit, Clarke! How could you do this after all we've been through? After everything we've had to...endure."
Bellamy wanted so much to reach out and touch her, to gather her into his arms. He needed that physical contact desperately. But everything about her posture said touch me not, so for the moment he contented himself with locking eyes with her.
"But that's just it," she said quietly. "After everything I've done, do you really think that I'm one of the deserving ones? One of the ones worthy enough to start a...a new humanity?"
By now her eyes were glassy, and Bellamy felt his heart ripping open. Clarke almost never cried, and when she did...
"Clarke," he said again. Softly this time, gently. Giving in finally to his need to touch her by grabbing lightly on both her arms as they lay still wrapped around her body. "You are the most deserving of all. None of us would have made it this far without you."
Clarke broke eye contact then, shaking her head in disagreement...but she didn't move away, or try to pull his hands from her arms. Bellamy took that as an encouraging sign.
"You can't just expect me to let you do this," he said. "I can't. I...won't. I'll find a way to stop you if I have to"
Clarke looked up at that, surprised, but finally just shook her head.
"Think of it as taking a well-earned break from keeping me alive," she said, giving him a watery little smile.
It felt like a punch to the gut. Didn't she know? How could she not know?
And suddenly he knew exactly what he needed to say to her, exactly how he wanted to end that conversation they'd started days ago on the beach.
"You know, I've spent my whole life taking care of Octavia, worrying about her, trying like hell to make sure she had everything she needed. Keeping her safe."
Clarke nodded understandingly. "I know what she means to you. How far you'd go for her."
He watched her eyes fill with sadness and wondered if it had really only been yesterday. The gun pointing at him, Clarke's hand shaking. Her eyes had been filled with tears, just as they were right now.
"I'm sorry I put you through that." He couldn't stand to see her in such pain.
"No, no, no! You were right. I never should have believed Jaha. I can't imagine how... disappointed you must be in me."
Shit! He hadn't come here to remind her of the one time she'd been wrong, but of all the times she'd been right.
Bellamy shook his head, squeezing her arms just a little more tightly. "That's not why I mentioned Octavia, Clarke. I just...I wanted you to understand how it was for us. For me. She was always in my care."
He watched her nod again, and hurried on before she could interrupt him.
"But now she's grown up, been through hell and learned to live with it. Earned the respect of a lot of people. Found a place for herself. A purpose. I'm so proud of her."
"I'm so glad," Clarke said, her smile becoming more like the real thing. "I'm proud of her, too."
Bellamy's heart lightened just to see that smile. "So, the thing is, while I'll always love my sister very much, worrying about her doesn't have to be my...top priority any longer. I know she can take care of herself."
He cleared his throat, and his confident smile wavered just a bit.
"So if you don't mind, I'm going to shift my priorities a bit. And I'm going to continue keeping you alive for just a little while longer."
Clarke's eyes widened in surprise, but then her mouth firmed and she shook her head even more decidedly. "Bellamy, I know your...your heart is in the right place, but you can't talk me out of this. I'm not leaving just because I think that...maybe I don't deserve to be here. I'm going to get Raven. She's still alive and I'm damned if I'll just let her die after everything she's done for the rest of us."
"Yeah, Kane mentioned that, too," he said. The next words tumbled out of his mouth without thought, but Bellamy knew immediately that it was the only possible solution.
"That's why I'm coming with you."
Clarke was aghast. "You can't! I want you to live, Bellamy. Not die trying to keep me safe."
"Same here," he said. "But I'm still coming, because I'm pretty sure I won't be much good for anything if I have to watch you walk out of this place without me."
Bellamy dropped his hands from her arms, reached around her and grabbed her pack.
"Just a little insurance so you won't try to skip out on me," he said with a nod, while Clarke looked dumbfounded. "I just need to let Kane know and...say goodbye to Octavia. Then I'll be right back."
Clarke continued to stand there silently, as thought she couldn't quite believe the sudden turn of events.
"So should I come back here or do you want to tell me how to get to the airlock where the hazmat suits are?" he asked, still clutching her half-filled pack.
"Come back here," she said finally, her voice at first faint with disbelief. "And, Bellamy," she added, suddenly sounding more like her bossy self, "no more than a half hour. Don't make me wait for you."
Bellamy left the room with both the backpack and a growing smile. Never had he been so happy to see Clarke Griffin in full-on Princess Mode.
XXXXXXXXXX
He ran back to his quarters, giving himself no more than 60 seconds to throw a few personal items into the pack, before moving on to the guard room to grab a rifle. Miller was there, having earned his place in the bunker by the luck of the draw. They hadn't seen each other since Miller had been forced to shock lash him when Jaha had assumed control of the place.
"Uh, Bellamy," he said, a little warily. "About yesterday..."
"Skip it, Miller, no time. You were just doing your job. Right now I need a rifle. Clarke and I are taking off to get Raven."
He saw the surprise on Miller's face and then the smirk.
"Damn! Raven is still hanging in. That's one gutsy lady. And I suppose this rescue job was Clarke's idea?"
Bellamy shrugged and Miller's smirk became a chuckle,
"If it was anyone else I'd be wondering how you could practically be killing each other one day and taking off on a mission together the next. But not with you two."
"We weren't trying to kill each other, Miller. We were just having a...difference of opinion."
"Oh, yeah? Is that what you call it?" His chuckled deepened.
"The rifle," Bellamy barked, unwilling to try to explain to Miller what he barely understood himself.
Miller handed the weapon to Bellamy, along with a box of ammo. "Hey, don't get killed," he said, his snark tinged with sincerity. "Either of you."
"Yeah, yeah, that would be my preference," Bellamy agreed, grabbing the rifle and moving out the door and down the hall to Kane's office.
The chancellor eyed the rifle and nodded his immediate understanding. "You're going with her."
Bellamy shrugged. "I figured if I couldn't talk her out of it, this was the only way. Tell Abby..." Bellamy paused, wanting to send Abby a hopeful but still honest message. "Tell Abby that Clarke's safety will be my top priority,"
"I'm pretty sure she already knows that, Bellamy. Especially now that you don't have to be as concerned about Octavia."
Kane's smile was wry.
"Have you told Octavia you're leaving? She was pretty adamant about you getting a place here in the bunker."
Bellamy shook his head. "Heading there next."
Kane eyed him kindly, clapping him on the shoulder. "Your sister will be fine, Bellamy. You just concentrate on keeping Clarke and yourself alive. And if you can actually manage to rescue Raven...so much the better."
Bellamy nodded. "We'll be in touch the whole time," he promised, holding up his walkie-talkie.
Kane sighed. "I hate to think what kind of shape Abby will be in if you aren't," were his parting words as Bellamy headed out the door.
He was sprinting now, knowing there wasn't much time left to see Octavia and still make it back to Clarke in the allotted thirty minutes. When she wasn't in her own room, he expected to find his sister with Indra, and he was not disappointed.
For most of the nine months they'd been on the ground, Bellamy's relationship with the grounders had been decidedly antagonistic. Except, of course, for Lincoln. But while Lincoln had been his only friend among the grounders, the Trikru leader Indra had eventually earned his grudging respect. She had taken Octavia under her wing, teaching his sister many of the skills that she needed to survive on the ground, skills that Bellamy himself did not possess. He knew that Indra loved Octavia, and that knowledge became a link between Indra and himself.
The Trikru had chosen their own survivors, and Bellamy had been gratified that Indra was among the first. Especially now that he was leaving. He hadn't lied when he'd told Clarke that Octavia could take of herself. But he was still happier knowing that Indra was around. Just in case.
Octavia smiled when he appeared in the doorway, but her eyes widened questioningly when she saw the rifle on his back. But Indra seemed to get it immediately.
"There is some reason you need to leave us, Bellamy," she said directly.
Bellamy huffed, and wondered why he would ever be surprised by Indra's shrewdness.
"What? No. He's not going anywhere. Right, Bell?" Octavia's spoke with confidence, but as she studied his face, he could see the certainty begin to dim.
"O...I'm sorry. Clarke is determined to try to rescue Raven and...I have to go with her. That's all I can tell you. I have to go with her. We have some hazmat suits, so...it'll be fine."
He hoped to god Octavia would understand without him having to spell it out. He doubted he could if he tried.
Octavia searched his face, then sighed, resigned, as she wrapped her arms around his waist.
"I do get it, Bell. I've always understood about you and Clarke." Her words were muffled in his jacket. "It's just...I worked so hard to save you."
Bellamy squeezed her tight. "You did good, O. Look around at everyone who's going to live because of you. I couldn't be more proud of you."
Octavia's breath hitched suddenly. "Listen. Bell. I...I know I said some harsh things to you. I just...I didn't mean them. I was hurting so bad and...I didn't mean them."
Bellamy pulled back and smiled at her softly. "I know that, Octavia. You don't have to explain."
She nodded. "Good. I...I love you, big brother. You'll always fit in with me." Bellamy's heart swelled when he heard her echo his own words. Words from happier times. From what seemed like a lifetime ago.
"Yeah, me, too," he said, pulling her in for a final hug.
"Take care of yourself while you're out there. Don't do anything stupid. And...take care of Clarke, too. Because I know exactly how much you'll hurt if anything happens to her."
"O..."
"And tell her, Bell. Before it's too late. Tell her how you feel."
XXXXXXXXXX
When he returned, Clarke was sitting on her bed, foot tapping impatiently, a small pile of additional supplies gathered around her.
"Do you need to see Abby before we leave?" he wondered aloud, sitting next to her and beginning to stow away the supplies into the pack.
Clarke shook her head. "Did that before you came the first time," she sighed. "If I hadn't, you'd never have found out until after I'd left," she added, like it was a bad thing. Like it was the thing she regretted the most.
Bellamy paused for just an instant, then resumed his packing.
"And how do you think I'd have felt when I heard you were gone?" he said, not looking at her. "At least when you left me the last time, you said goodbye. You didn't try to sneak off like a thief in the night."
"Bellamy, no, that wasn't it." She touched his arm hesitantly. "After yesterday...after what I did yesterday...I thought...you couldn't possibly want to keep looking out for me. I mean, I just didn't want you to feel..." she paused, swallowing convulsively, "obligated. Now that everyone is safe."
Bellamy squeezed the hand on his arm as he said quietly, "I don't blame you for yesterday, Clarke. I know you thought you were doing the right thing. And I'm...sorry it had to come to that."
He sighed.
"And you're wrong about something else, too. Everyone isn't safe. Not if you're outside somewhere. Because you're the one whose safety is...important to me."
Bellamy heard the gruffness in his own voice and closed the pack with a snap. "I think we're ready. So show me where this airlock is."
Unsurprisingly, the multi-section airlock was located on the top floor of the bunker, and century-old hazmat suits were lined up against the wall of the innermost compartment. Bellamy prayed that they were still as viable as everything else in the bunker appeared to be.
"The truck is next door. We'll have some help getting through the airlock itself."
Before he could even ask who'd be helping them, Clarke had grabbed two of the suits, handing him one, and preparing to step into the other. She was facing away from him, and as he looked over at her, at the fall of her blonde curls and the sweep of her back and hips, Bellamy was unexpectedly overwhelmed with longing. And by the realization that he was about to be physically separated from Clarke, even though she'd be traveling right next to him.
Suddenly, it felt like his last chance.
"Clarke, wait!" he said impulsively, bridging the distance between them in two long strides. Before she could even react, he'd wrapped his arms around her waist so that her back was pressed against his chest.
He was barely squeezing her, but he would swear he heard the air whoosh out of her lungs, and she stilled immediately. Then she turned to face him, a question in her eyes.
"Bellamy?"
"We may never get out of these suits, Clarke. This may be my last chance to hold you," he said, unable to stop the words.
Their arms were around each other in an instant and while Clarke's lips turned up into a real smile, there were again tears in her eyes.
"Please don't cry," he said. "We'll get through this."
"No, Bellamy.," she said, laying her head against his shoulder. "You don't understand. These are...happy tears. I've missed you so much. It's seemed like lately you haven't wanted to...touch me at all."
Bellamy groaned, pulling her to him as tightly as he dared. Afraid to say anything. More terrified of remaining silent.
"No, Clarke. What's kept me away was knowing how much I wanted to touch you. Afraid that once I started I wouldn't be able to stop touching you."
She looked up at him, her smile perplexed. "Well, who ever said I'd have wanted you to stop touching me?"
Bellamy laughed. "In that case, is there at least time for a kiss?"
Her hands had moved to his face before the words left his mouth, and then she was reaching up, pressing herself against him. Pressing her lips against his.
The kiss deepened almost immediately as they stood there in that bunker, wrapped in each others' arms, preparing to take on a new apocalypse.
Bellamy knew they had to leave. That Raven was waiting. That there was no time for...any of this. But he was dizzy with desire and, as he'd suspected might be the case, once he'd started he couldn't make himself stop kissing Clarke.
She pulled away finally, her breathing harsh, as her sense of duty and responsibility apparently came to the fore. But there was still a smile on her lips as she shook her head at him.
"You know, your timing really sucks," she said, as Bellamy tried to catch his breath. He nodded ruefully, agreeing.
With matching sighs, they resumed climbing into the bulky suits, the ones that would keep them alive as they tried to rescue their friend. They grabbed some extra oxygen tanks from the shelves and made their way to the door that led to the airlock itself.
"Hell, Clarke, I was beginning to think you'd changed your mind," Kyle Wick said, moving away from the spot where he'd been lounging against the truck. "But I see you've brought reinforcements."
"Wick," Bellamy nodded. Well, Kane had said she'd asked for help from Engineering.
"Blake," Wick nodded in return. "I suppose I could say I'm surprised to see you, but it would be a lie. I'm just glad she's not going alone."
Wick opened the door to the cab, pointing out where he'd reinforced the interior, sealing it off as much as possible.
"Don't open the door unless you have to. The air toxicity is still relatively mild, and you've got the suits. But once the radiation gets inside, without some kind of air scrubber system, it would be impossible to get rid if it. And there just wasn't time to rig up something like that."
Bellamy nodded. "I understand. Thank you, Kyle. For whatever you were able to do."
Wick sighed. "I'd go myself if I thought I'd be any use. Just because Raven broke it off with me doesn't mean I ever stopped caring about her,"
Clarke gave him an awkward hug. "I'll tell her you said that."
Then it was time to don the helmets, Wick demonstrating how to make sure they were airtight.
"Good luck," he said. "If you run into any engineering problems along the way, just page me on the walkie."
They climbed into the truck, while Wick sealed himself in the control room, its glass wall giving him a view of the truck. From behind the wheel, Bellamy picked up the walkie. "Ready," he said, and heard Wick's answering, "Right."
The big doors opened and Bellamy drove out into the day, one with unnaturally bright light. When the bunker doors clanged shut behind them, he looked around, trying to orient himself so as no to waste too much time getting out of Polis.
The streets were deserted as he drove through them, and horror filled him as he imagined those who had not been allowed into the bunker huddled in fear in whatever "safe" space they'd been able to find.
Bellamy looked over at Clarke, wishing he could touch her skin, able only to scrape the tips of her glove-clad fingers with his own. He glanced up at her face, and her eyes smiled confidently back at him.
"It'll be fine," she said.
"Yeah," he nodded. "I got this."
A/N: Part Two will be posted tomorrow.