Disclaimer- everything belongs to Kotor except my personal image of what Revan looks like. I make no money by writing this…

Prologue

I didn't want him to go. I knew this was a battle that he had to face alone but it did not stop me from wanting to help him. I was so afraid. I haven't felt this way in years…not since my wife died. The thought of this life in danger made my heart race. I wanted to protect him even though he could easily best me in pretty much anything! He didn't need my protection or anyone else's but it didn't stop everyone who followed him, even Canderous, from attempting to keep him safe from harm. When Revan left for the star forge, vowing to bring back Bastila from the darkness and defeat Darth Malak, I had never been more scared. I knew he had to do it though. I believed he could.

Revan. A man with no last name or full memories. He was surprisingly optimistic at times even though he couldn't remember his past and at one point, even his true name! Even so, He'd put his problems aside to help a random stranger down on his luck or any of us who had a problem. He helped me in more ways than one and never asked for a thing in return. That, I admired about him. He could also be a smart ass, which I also liked. He was easy to talk to, easy to smile and joke with and he was always up for a good laugh. He just had that natural ability that made everyone love or despise him. There was no in-between. He could be your best friend or your worst enemy. For me, he is the best friend I will ever have.

As I waited for him to return, my mind wandered. I thought of all the things Revan and I went through together. He had seen me at my worst and I like to think I saw him at his. He was devastated when he found out he was Darth Revan. I was devastated also. I thought that he was the cause for all my grief and all my suffering. I realized that he was not the same Revan that took control of the sith and destroyed so many. I wanted to hate him, to blame him for everything….but he was my best friend. I couldn't bring myself to hate him. One night forever changed my disposition about my best and only friend. I remember him coming to be late one night. His dark hair was unbound and hanging about his shoulders down to his lower waist. His deep green eyes were full of sadness and grief. I had never seen him like that before. His skin was paler than usual and he looked so cold standing in the doorway to my quarters. He must have had another nightmare. I called him over to the bed and made room for him to lay beside me. Revan immediately took the offer. He had waited for me to call out to him instead of just getting in. It was there I knew something was horribly wrong.

He crawled under the covers with me and snuggled close to me as to steal the warmth that my body provided. It made me smile to see the mighty Revan act like a small child looking for their mother. I knew he needed comfort and I was honored that he came to me for it. He could have easily crawled into one of the female companions beds, but he chose mine. I wrapped my arms around his trembling form and held him close. He clung to my tank top and buried his face in the crook of my neck. His long wisps of jet black hair tickled my arms and chest but not in a bad way. What happened next startled me.

He cried.

He cried like a baby who had lost their parents. I wasn't sure what to do so I just held him tightly and let him cry. I told him it was okay and to just let it all out. He muttered in his hysterical cries about how "it was all his fault!" and "How could I have done that!?" I soothed him the best I could. I told him that he wasn't that person anymore. He was no longer lord of the sith, Darth Revan. He was simply Revan. A man given a second chance to make things right.

That had calmed him down. His wracking sobs became sniffles as he uncharacteristically snuggled with me. I noted Revan's figure as I held it close to me. He was hard enough to feel like a man, yet soft and supple at the same time. Revan was shorter than all the men on our crew, me and Canderous being the tallest. He was skinny too but with a fine layer of soft but distinguishable muscle in his arms and torso. Now that I took notice of it, while he laid within my embrace, Revan was a lot like a woman. His hands were soft, his fingers long and thin with perfect nails. His legs were long and hairless and looked to have all the gracefulness as a gazelle. His long hair did not help define his masculinity. I ran my fingers through it as I held him. It was soft and silky like the hair of my late wife. Now that I noticed it as he looked up at me, he had the same eyes as her too. Big green eyes. Inquisitive and mischievous green eyes. The same shade of deep endless green that I always used to get lost in.

I found myself getting lost in Revan's eyes since then. The next day, Revan was back to be the same old Revan. I think he wanted to forget about his weakness that night and I respected that and didn't bring it up again. I found myself unable to forget though. All I could think about was the feel of his skin, the scent of his hair and the depth of his eyes. I knew I shouldn't feel this way. It was wrong to feel these things for another man. I tried telling myself that I felt nothing for him in the way I would a woman. But I found myself seeking his eyes out more often. I wanted to see and be near him, even for a moment. I found myself wanting him to smile only at me. I wanted him to show me a real smile, not the one that he showed the world and to everyone else. A real, undeniable smile.

I was becoming obsessed. My blood boiled anytime I saw him with Bastila or the shy Juhani, whom I knew both had deep feelings for Revan. Everyone knew it. Everyone except Revan that is. If he did know, he made no motion to show that he did. He went along his business, blissfully unaware of the two females vying for his attentions. I kept telling myself that I shouldn't be jealous of them. They had every right to try and win Revan's heart. I knew this…and yet….I couldn't let it go. My eyes always followed him, my heart would beat fast when we'd meet eyes and then he'd smile so beautifully at me that my blood would pump faster. He was so beautiful…I think that I fell in love with him the night he came to my room. Maybe I had loved him all along. Maybe It took me till that moment to realize it, but when I did it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I spent two days in my quarters, only leaving for food and the facilities. I always made sure to hurry so I wouldn't run into the object of my affection. I just wanted this stupid mission to be over with so I could go home and reunite with my son and leave this whole thing behind me. I wanted to believe that I could live without him and I had resolved to do so.

Before Revan left for the star forge he said his goodbyes to those who would listen. Mission hugged him and told him not to die. Revan and Zaalbar talked for a few in the wookie tongue that I couldn't understand. They shook hands though, so I could only assume it was good. Revan held out his hand to Canderous, who just grunted but had a smile on his face. Revan smiled back at him and nodded. The old Jedi, Jolee Bindo and Revan shared a few words about the force and the flow of things. I never really liked that Jedi mumbo jumbo. T3-M4 just beeped and HK-47 mumbled something about his 'stupid meat bag master.' Juhani took Revan aside and it made my eye twitch. I watched them from a safe distance. I could see there faces but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I could only assume it was a love confession by the blank look on Revan's face and the blush on Juhani's. I had no idea that I was clutching my fist so tight that my knuckled cracked and turned white. After what seemed like forever, Revan bowed to her and made his way back. I caught the look on Juhani's face. It was utter disappointment.

Then Revan called to me. He wanted to speak to me in private. I was instantly nervous. Why did he wasn't to talk to me privately? He took me aside to his room and gestured me to take a seat. I sat down on the edge of his bed, it's strings protesting with a squeak. Revan looked so serious that it startled me slightly. He walked over to me and looked down at my sitting form. His face was devoid of emotion but I knew he was thinking about something that had to be difficult for him to come to. After an age, he finally spoke to me.

"You've been avoiding me." His voice sounded cold but with a small underlay of emotion that I couldn't pinpoint.

"I'm just nervous about the battle." I lied. "I know you must be too. I didn't want to get in the way."

His eyes softened and he sighed. I tried not to look into his eyes but I kept getting drawn into them.

"I need all my companions more than ever…" He crossed his arms over his chest to show his displeasure. "Exspecialy since Bastila's change of heart."

"Revan…." I began, "I know you blame yourself but I know you can get her to come back."

Revan blinked a few times and regarded me curiously. "You sound so sure."

"I am sure!" I spoke standing up and now and looked down at Revan. "If anyone can do this, you can! I believe in you!"

"Well, I need you near to tell me this then! Not locked in your room trying to avoid me!" Revan snapped his soft look turning to a light glare.

Oh, the arguments. I smiled inwardly. Revan and I have had our share of these. We were both stubborn and one might mistake us as being two people who couldn't stand each other. That was far from the truth…when it came to me anyway.

"I already told you that I wasn't trying to avoid you!"

"You're lying!" Revan unfolded his arms and clenched them at his sides. His voice echoed off the white walls and around the room.

"Revan…..I-"

He held up a hand and cut me off. "No. No excuses. I want to know the truth! I might die tonight! I need to know the truth so I can be at ease!"

I grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him closer so our noses almost touched. "Your not going to die! Your going to win, Revan! Your going to bring back Bastila, defeat Malak and destroy the star forge because you are fucking amazing Revan! You are the only one who can do this and you can't be afraid!"

Revan stared at me with a blank look. His hand came up and rested on my cheek. I jumped a bit, startled at the feel of his skin touching mine. It set my body on fire at that simple touch. "I'm not the one who scared….am I?"

I sighed. "No." I looked down at our feet. I couldn't face him right now.

"I need you to tell me these things. I need your support and your feelings about this. Know that I will be victorious and you've no need to fear."

I nodded, still refusing to look up. All I could concentrate on was his soft hand on my cheek.

"Carth…"

The sound of his beautiful voice calling my name made my head snap up. I realized now how close our faces were. I stared at that slightly feminine face for what seemed like hours. I wanted to kiss him so badly at that moment. I wanted to hold him, run my hands through his hair, devour his mouth with my own and let my hands run sinfully all over his body. My face must have been bright red with these thoughts running through my head because Revan smiled a completely different smile that made my heart race. For the rest of my days, I'll never forget it.

"Revan…" I spoke breathlessly as he smiled that devilish smile.

He backed away and I mourned the loss of his skin and scent. He was suddenly serious and his smile dropped from his perfect face. "I need you, Carth." He spoke barley above a whisper. And then he was gone and I was left in his room, completely dumbfounded.

When I worked up enough courage I went to the room where Revan had left everyone else. Mission was consoling Juhani about something. When Juhani looked up and saw me, she rushed over.

"oh, Carth! You are best friends with Revan, no?"

"I-I guess."

"She finally worked up enough courage to tell Rev how she felt." Mission began rubbing the distressed woman's back.

"And the boss turned her down!" Canderous boomed with a laugh and Jolee glared at him and nudged him to be silent.

"He said he couldn't return my feelings…" Juhani mumbled, just barley above a whisper. "It doesn't matter though. I cannot stop loving him. I will not stop loving him, even if our love is impossible."

I knew exactly how she felt.

"What did Revan talk with you about anyway?" the old Jedi eyed me curiously.

"Well…" I began. "He wanted to say good bye. In private." I lied.

Jolee didn't seem to believe me but Canderous spoke up.

"Yea, you are boss man's best pal I guess. You and that Bastila seem to be the closest to him. Plus, she just abandoned him for the dark side, so he needs you exspecialy!"

Revan's words finally made sense and I'm ashamed to admit that my heart sank. I wanted those words to mean more. I wanted to be more than friends with him. But like poor Juhani, I could only hope one day that my feelings may be returned, even though we both knew it was impossible.

The next time I saw Revan, the star forge had been destroyed and he was walking toward us on Lehon. Bastila at his side, one of her arms around his shoulders helping him stand as they walked. I was the first to race toward them. Bastila looked ashamed when I approached. Revan's head was down and his bangs covered his face from my view. I instantly knew something was wrong by the look in Bastila's eyes.

I grabbed Revan by the shoulders and felt him tense under my touch. Bastila scowled as I ripped Revan from her and supported him myself. Then I saw something that made my heart drop. Blood. A single drop fell from somewhere on Revan's face to the sand below. My stomach lurched and my breath caught in my throat. "Revan…"

He looked up at me and it was worse than I thought. The right side of his face was completely covered in blood. I could see a couple gash's over his shut right eye that expelled his life essence down his face.

"Revan!" I called louder.

He smiled, ironically. "I can't see." he spoke with a small laugh.

I instantly called out for someone to get a medic and I ripped off a piece of my favorite jacket to hold up to Revan's eye. I held Revan close to me and I put pressure on his wound to try and halt the bleeding. "What happened?"

I received my answer from Bastila. "Malak did. In a last effort to kill Revan, he pulled out a boot vibro- blade and cut Revan across the eye a couple of times."

My eyes widened. "A couple of times?!"

She scowled. "Do you know how fast that man could move? It was literately a split second! Revan barley dodged enough to keep his face from getting ripped off!"

I was angry. Not even at Malak but at her. She failed to keep him safe and she didn't even help him when he was bleeding all over. He swooned in my arms a bit and I had to shake him so he wouldn't pass out. Fear ran up my spine in a rush. I wouldn't loose him! I refused to loose him!

"Stay with me Revan…"

Revan smiled at me a bit groggy. "I never left…"

Before I could ask him, a medic came and I followed them to a medical tent where a master Jedi waited inside to help heal him with the force. I, of course wasn't allowed in, which fuelled my anger even more. Everyone could tell as I paced back and forth furiously, wanting word of Revan's condition.

Bastila finally approached me. "Carth, sit down."

"Don't tell me what to do, traitor!"

She looked greatly offended and scoffed. "I guess I deserve that, but that is behind us. Revan has forgiven me."

"So it's okay now?! Just because he forgives you, doesn't mean the rest of us do!"

Bastila looked around at the rest of the group. I could see that there expressions were full of uncertainty and the lack of wanting to get involved with this fight.

"I know I may never get your trust back, Carth. But all I need his acceptance."

"Only his?" I snapped. "So the rest of us mean nothing to you?"

"It's not that!" she snapped back. "I care about all of you! I just care for him the most."

"Nothing can justify what you've done! You betrayed all of us and him! If you cared for him you wouldn't have done it!"

"I love him!" she screamed, her voice boomed over mine. "I love him more than anything! I gave into my emotions and fell to the dark side!"

"So you blame him!" I screamed back my fists clenched in rage. I could of sworn I heard Canderous whoop something about a fight.

"I would never blame Revan! I was of my own weakness! I love-"

"You keep saying you love him, but did you tell him?!"

She looked slightly startled and blushed either furiously or embarrassedly. Maybe a combination of both. I was slightly startled at my own boldness.

"I-I don't know why that should matter!"

"You didn't, did you?"

She sighed. "No. But I plan to."

I almost growled at her. Almost. I could only assume how horrible that would look, if I didn't look like a complete fool already.

"listen Carth. I'm not asking you to trust me. But know I did all that I could for him."

I scoffed. Yea, right. "Forget it." I sighed. "Lets drop this."

I was glad that for once, she did.

The Jedi came out of the tent some time later and took his leave without a word. I almost went after him but the medical personal called out to me.

"Mister Onasi?"

I looked back at the startled medical girl. "What?!"

"He wants to see you."

I didn't hesitate. I pushed past the poor girl and into Revan's tent before violently shutting the flap behind me. I made it clear that I didn't want anyone in there with me.

Revan laid out on a small medical bed, bandages wrapped around his head and medical gauze placed over the right eye, the makeshift bandages holding it in place. The whole left side of his face was visible though and his remaining eye was closed. I could see that his lip was busted but healing. I looked down to Revan's hands and saw the piece of my jacket clutched in his palm. As I approached, his visible eye snapped open and immediately locked on him.

"Carth…" His voice was rather raspy and tired.

I walked to his bedside and grabbed a chair nearby. I parked it right next to his bedside and sat down, leaning over the side of the bed to get a good look at him.

"How's the eye?"

Revan smiled and laughed bitterly. "I'm blind in that eye now. I'll never see out of it again."

"Oh Revan…." I sighed. I didn't know what to say, so I took one of his hands in mine.

"I'm also going to have some ugly scars there." Revan continued. "Malak May be dead but I'll always carry a reminder of him and it shall haunt me till the day I die…"

He tried to sit up but I saw him cringe. I helped him into a sitting position. He smiled at me but I could tell he was in a lot of pain. I placed his pillows behind his back to help support him up.

"Carth, when this bullshit is over, I want us to remain friends."

I nodded and squeezed his hand. "Absolutely." I didn't let off how much the word 'friend' stung.

He smiled and reclined back on his pillows. "You know…I just realized that I have no place to go after this. The Jedi enclave was destroyed so I can't go there."

"Don't worry." I smiled instantly and squeezed his hand again. "I have no where to live either. I've been in the army since the destruction of my home. I was thinking about settling on Dantooine. You can live with me."

Revan smile deepened. "Really? That's great…but why Dantooine?"

"Well, when we went there I couldn't help to notice how quiet and peaceful it was out there. I think after saving the republic, we deserve some nice quiet time away."

Revan itched at his bandages lightly. "True. Plus I still have all the credits we earned on our journey. It's more than enough to buy a nice house and settle down somewhere nice." he squeezed my hand. "Lets do it."

For the first time in days I was overjoyed.

Since then I've been keeping busy. Our home was getting built so we caught up on things we needed to do. Revan went to give specific instruction to the army, while I went to Telos IV and met up with my son. Revan was never far from my thoughts though and I worried about him constantly while he was away.

We eventually moved into our new home in the lush rolling plans of Dantooine. Revan was as radiant as ever and now wore a scarlet eye patch over his right eye. I could still see the hints of his scar underneath. I did not ask to look at it because that would be rude of me. I was pleased to find out that he hadn't seen Bastila within that time we were apart.

I couldn't bring myself to tell him how much I loved him. I would watch him from afar for now, waiting for the right chance and moment….and when I wasn't such a coward.