Disclaimer: Supernatural isn't mine, but I really really wish Dean was. : P
AN: Angsty. Implied child abuse. Dean Winchester hates his reflection.
...In the Mirror...
Dean Winchester hates his reflection.
He knows he's good looking, uses his charm often enough, and flirting is second nature.
But when he looks in the mirror all he sees is the boy that was never good enough. All he can see is the mistakes he made, the lives those mistakes cost. All he can see is his father yelling at him, belt hanging loosely in the older man's hand as Dean knelt on the ground, fingernails grinding into his palms as he fought back the tears, stilled the trembling lip, tried to be strong.
When he is away from the mirror he can pretend his father loves him. He can pretend he's good enough, strong enough, quick enough. He can pretend he can protect Sammy, protect all the hundreds of people that need protecting.
But the mirror is his traitor. The mirror shows a distorted reflection created by over two decades of beatings, punishment, fear, belittling, contempt, and ridicule. Some days he tries not to believe, fights to convince himself he is worth something. Is someone. Oftentimes he will stare at himself in the glass and then turn away, feeling once more the ache deep inside.
He was once defiant for the sake of being defiant. Hated others because he could no longer hate himself. Angry because someone had to be.
But he does not think he ever believed.
He learned to clean guns for his father, learned to throw a knife, learned to shoot, and learned to expect the always hovering punishment. He would go days without eating, miss school to take care of Sammy, all to stumble backwards with the taste of blood on his lips and his cheek stinging with the remembrance of his fathers hand.
But he remembers when he was once loved.
His father would tell him, remind him, screaming almost incoherently, the scent of alcohol strong on his breath, of his mother. Of how she died. Of how she had to be avenged.
His father would remind him that it was Mary that wanted children.
Remind him that Dean would have to prove himself if he ever wanted to convince John he was worth the effort. Worth being loved.
Dean remembers when he was once loved, but it was long ago, and years have passed between then and now. Years of heartache and desolation, obedience and desperation.
John told him he had his mother's eyes. John made him close them when he was punished, waiting fearfully, not knowing when or where the next strike would come from. And John was right.
Dean had learned to school his features, expressions, words to show indifference. Nonchalance. But he could never change his eyes, never hide the ache, never vanquish the depths of emotion.
So Dean avoids the mirror. When he looks in he sees he is handsome, can force the cocky smile, the smirk; he can force it all.
But he can never change his eyes.
John Winchester has always been haunted by Dean's eyes because they reminded that he was once loved and happy.
Dean Winchester is haunted by his eyes because they remind him he never will be.