Title: Guy Talk
Author: Sarah (Fortes in Fide)
Pairing/Character: Edward, Emmett, Jasper
Word Count: About 2, 900
Rating: M
Summary: One-shot. AH. AU. OOC. Emmett wants to get laid. Edward just wants to play video games. Jasper wants everyone to stop telling him to shut up. Pointless, random humor.
Warning(s): None
Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with Stephenie Meyer the creator of Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.
"Fuck!"
"Hey!" Edward exclaimed in protest as Emmett collapsed onto the bed behind him, knocking his arm and the game controller in it. Red blood flared across the TV screen in front of him. "Dude, I had a perfect score!" In a fit pique, he threw the controller at Emmett's head.
"Knock it off, dude!" Emmett complained, shoving at Edward's back. "It's my fucking bed."
"Yeah, well you're supposed to be fucking gone, fucking Rosalie Hale," Edward grumbled, picking up the controller again grudgingly.
"What happened to your date?" Jasper chimed in from the armchair, where he'd been watching Edward play.
"Shut up, Jasper," Emmett grumbled.
Edward laughed. "Dude, she dumped you again?"
"Shut up!" Emmett exclaimed.
"Sorry, man," Jasper offered quietly.
"What part of 'shut the fuck up' do you not understand?" Emmett scowled at him.
"Dude, you didn't even say 'shut the fuck up'," Edward pointed out, clicking madly away at punches and kicks once more. "You just said 'shut up'."
"What are you, the fucking grammar police?"
"No, I'm just telling you you're a fucking idiot," Edward rolled his eyes.
"What? Just because Rosalie fucking Hale dumped me?" Emmett demanded.
"Because you're a fucking idiot," Edward clarified.
Jasper waited for the explosion. But, oddly enough, that comment seemed to mollify his friend. Hell, if he knew why.
Emmett let out an exasperated groan and pressed the palms of his hands over his eyes. "Why can't I get fucking laid?" he demanded of the universe.
"You did…" Jasper began hesitantly.
"Fucking sluts don't fucking count," Emmett hissed.
"It's because you're a fucking idiot," Edward reminded him, chiming in as he passed the next level.
"My own fucking girlfriend won't let me fuck her," Emmett sighed. "What the fuck is that?"
"Ex-girlfriend," Jasper reminded him.
"Shut the fuck up, Jasper!"
"It's because Rosalie's fucking frigid," Edward offered helpfully, ignoring the two of them as they scuffled for a moment behind him.
"Ow!" Jasper complained when Emmett managed to smack him upside the head. He retreated safely back to his chair with a scowl.
"Oh, yeah, you get to talk," Emmett's attention had already turned back to Edward. "Just because your girlfriend's a fucking nympho."
Edward's tone turned dark. "Dude, you did not just say that…"
"Sorry, sorry," Emmett quickly amended. "But it's not fucking fair! Goddamn fucking bitchy fucking Rosalie!"
"And you wonder why you never get laid…" Edward's eyes turned heavenwards.
"What the fuck is that supposed to fucking mean?"
"It means you fucking can't fucking say fucking anything that's not fucking 'fucking'," Edward mocked him.
"Fuck you."
"I rest my case."
"Dude, why are you even here? Go fuck your fucking girlfriend," Emmett ordered bitterly.
"Can't," Edward offered absentmindedly as he chased down a power crystal. "Girls' night out."
"What does that even mean?" Jasper asked curiously. "Is that, like, a pajama party?"
"Bella Swan-on-Alice Brandon action," Emmett sighed wistfully. "Man, I'd kill to watch that."
Edward rolled his eyes. "All they fucking do is paint their nails and talk about guys," he informed them.
"Dude, don't shatter my dreams," Emmett protested.
"What, your own girlfriend—"
"Ex-girlfriend," Jasper chimed in.
"—won't put out so you get to perv on my girlfriend?" Edward finished skeptically. "No fucking way."
"You'd do the same fucking thing, if you weren't dating Bella fucking Swan," Emmett insisted.
"No," Edward corrected, "I'd actually get myself fucking laid so I wouldn't have to."
"Oh, yeah?" Emmett retorted. "And why is it that you can get fucking laid and I can't?"
"Because you're fucking idiot," Edward reminded him. "Dude, how many times to I have to repeat myself?"
Emmett studied him with narrowed eyes. He sure as fuck couldn't see any reason why Edward had never had any trouble getting chicks to put out. The universe was just fucking unfair, and that was it. With a sigh and a whine, Emmett collapsed back onto the bed once more. "Fuck. I'm rich, hot, and I need to get fucking laid. What is wrong with chicks?"
Edward just snorted at that.
Jasper fought not to smile too.
"Shut the fuck up, Jasper!" He chucked a pillow at his friend.
"Dude!" Edward complained. "We're not having a fucking pajama party just because you can't get laid."
"Fucking couldn't even get into a fucking pajama party," Emmett grumbled to himself.
"This isn't a fucking pity party, either."
"Oh, thanks a lot," Emmett glared at him. "Because heaven forbid you actually help a fucking friend out."
"Dude, just jack the fuck off and leave me alone." Edward kicked at him half-heartedly, trying to knock him off the bed and over into the bathroom.
"Shut up!" Emmett groused, scooting away from Edward. "Just because your girlfriend's busy…"
"Oh, so now I'm the one who's pissy 'cause he can't get laid?" Edward asked in disbelief.
"Shut up," Emmett grumbled under his breath, but it was an apologetic grumble like he realized how ridiculous he was being.
"At least you had a girlfriend," Jasper mumbled under his breath when no one had spoken for a few minutes, the only other sound in the room that of Edward's frantic fingers on the buttons and painful blows on the TV screen.
"For all the fucking good it did me," Emmett whined.
"You're so lame, man," Edward just shook his head.
"Fuck, I wish there was a party tonight," Emmett sighed. "Then I could pick up some desperate freshman chick."
"Yeah, 'cause that worked so well last time," Edward laughed.
Emmett punched him in the back. "Shut up!"
"Dude! You made me lose the crystal!" Edward complained, scrambling to retrieve it.
"Boo-fucking-hoo," Emmett countered. "And that wasn't my fucking fault, anyway."
"You hit me, dude. Jazz saw it. Right, Jazz?"
"Right."
"I mean with…" Emmett paused and frowned. "Whatever her name was. She was fucking frigid."
Edward laughed. "Dude, she gave me a lap-dance."
"And Bella wouldn't talk to you for a week," Jasper reminded him.
"Shut the fuck up, Jazz," Emmett punched him in the arm. "And just why was I not lap-dance-worthy, as well?" he wondered wistfully.
"You tried to stick your hand up her skirt," Edward reminded him, eyes turning intense as he entered the boss battle.
"How the fuck am I supposed to fuck her if she's fucking frigid?" Emmett demanded.
He got no response from Edward, whose attention was riveted on the TV screen.
"Dude!" Emmett jabbed him in the back with his toe.
"Knock it off, man!" Edward batted at his foot, before instantly returning his attention to the game.
"Dude…" Emmett whined.
"He's trying to play, Emmett," Jasper chimed in.
"Shut the fuck up, Jazz."
"Can you both shut the fuck up?" Edward demanded angrily. Lucky thing he still had an extra healing potion.
"Dude, I'm trying to get laid," Emmett pointed out. "It's more important than your fucking game."
"To you," Edward retorted.
"I mean, c'mon!" Emmett exclaimed. "What the fuck is wrong with chicks? I mean, you'd fuck me, right?"
"What the fuck?" Edward screeched, leaping off the bed in sudden alarm. "Fuck!"
"Dude, not like that!" Emmett's eyes widened in alarm. "I totally did not mean it like that!"
"Fuck, you didn't," Jasper laughed.
"Will you shut the fuck up?!" Emmett's face flamed bright red. He looked back at Edward placating. "Dude, you know I'm not a fag, dude."
"Whatever." Edward sat down on the floor next to Jasper's chair and gave Emmett one last suspicious look before returning to his game.
"Fuck…" Emmett sighed and stared up at the white ceiling. "My life fucking sucks."
"Whatever, dude," Edward grumbled.
"'Cause Rosalie won't suck," Jasper joked.
"Shut up!" Emmett considered that for a moment, though. "Bitch wouldn't even fucking go down on me. What the fuck is with that, anyway?"
Edward didn't answer.
"Oh, come on, dude! It was a joke."
"What-fucking-ever."
"Come on!" Emmett wheedled him.
"What the fuck do you even want, dude?"
"Why the fuck can't I get Rosalie to blow me?"
"Because you're a fucking idiot."
"Like she fucking cares!"
"Dude, did you ever go down on her?"
"Fuck, no."
"Well, there's your answer, moron. Now, can I just play my game?"
"It's my Playstation, man," Emmett insisted.
"Yeah. 'Cause you're gonna kick me out." Edward rolled his eyes.
"Then you couldn't get him to fuck you," Jasper teased.
Emmett's face turned bright red all over again. "I told you to shut up about that!" He threw a punch at Jasper, only for him to dart suddenly across the room, half-tripping over Edward as he did so.
"Hey! Take it outside!" Edward complained. "This level is impossible enough already!"
"I'm gonna bash your head in, you little fuck!" Emmett shouted out.
Jasper let out a girly-sounding yelp, and Edward glanced up for a second to see Emmett catch him in a headlock.
"Boys! Keep it quiet in there!" shrieked Emmett's Stepmom Number Edward-had-already-forgotten downstairs.
"Let me go you fucker!" Jasper whined.
And Emmett shoved him away. "Not even fucking worth beating," he mumbled to himself.
"Wow, you guys sure do know how to party," Edward commented, all smug insincerity.
"Fuck you," Emmett retorted.
Edward shuddered, and Jasper laughed.
"Aww… Fuck!" Emmett exclaimed, throwing his head back and falling back onto the bed. "I can't fucking win."
"That's because you're a fucking idiot."
"Just because I won't fucking go down on fucking Rosalie?"
"No, because you won't fucking go down on fucking Rosalie, and you wonder why you can't get laid," Edward concluded.
"Fuck that shit. I never had to go down on chicks before."
"That's because they were always drunk before," Edward pointed out.
"Why the fuck should I go down on her, anyway?" Emmett demanded. "The parts don't even fucking fit."
Edward snorted. "You've never even done it, have you?"
"Fuck no."
"Fucking lightweight."
"Just because I know what a woman's fucking place is?"
"No, because you're a fucking idiot. And you're never going to get laid."
"What, you just suck pussy, and magically you get laid?" Emmett retorted incredulously.
"What is this, girl talk? I told you: We're not having a fucking pajama party," Edward shot back.
"Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do?" Emmett demanded. "Rosalie won't put out, and you're still playing that fucking game."
"Dude, I was playing the game before you even got here…"
"Who the fuck cares?"
Jasper, who seemed reassured that the embarrassing oral sex talk had stopped, ventured, "We were sort of busy—"
"Shut the fuck up!" Emmett insisted.
"Fuck you," Jasper grumbled under his breath.
"You would want to suck fucking snatch," Emmett concluded.
"Shut up!" Jasper exclaimed, mortified.
Edward let out a whoop of excitement as the boss finally fell dead at his nimble fingertips.
"It's not like you get a fucking blowjob in reward," Emmett commented snidely.
"You're just pissed 'cause you haven't even killed the warlock yet," Jasper pointed out.
Emmett whapped him upside the head. "Like you're any fucking better."
"And you wonder why you never get laid…" Edward paused the game and set down the controller, stretching out contentedly and leaning back against the bed.
"So, dude, are you going to fucking tell me?" Emmett demanded.
"What's the point?" Edward picked absentmindedly at a string on his shirt. "You don't listen to what I do say."
"Fine, fine, I'll listen to you, dude."
"And this is totally not a pajama party."
"No way, man," Emmett agreed.
Edward let out a long sigh. "Fine."
Emmett leaned in eagerly. Jasper just blushed and pretended like he wasn't listening at all.
Edward leaned back confidentially, striking up a professorial tone. "There's this thing called 'foreplay'…"
"Yeah, yeah, dude, I know," Emmett waved him off.
"…That does not just consist of shoving your hand up some girl's skirt," Edward amended.
Emmett had the grace to look sheepish. "Fine. Suppose I fucking go down on her. What the hell difference does it make?"
Edward winced, as if in pain. "Dude, you're a fucking idiot."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Are you gonna tell me?"
"If you make the chick come first—"
"The fuck? Why the fuck should I even care?" Emmett demanded.
"Dude, you're such a dick."
"Well, duh. So, why the fuck should I care?"
"Because then her hormones will tell her she's all in love with you, and she'll let you fuck her," Edward explained. "Dude, it's not that difficult of a concept."
Emmett considered that for a moment. "That worked on Bella fucking Swan?"
Edward let out an angry exclamation. "Fuck, no! And don't talk about her like that!"
"Edward's in lo-ove," Jasper sing-songed.
"Shut the fuck up, Jazz." Edward was obliged to come in on the chorus at least once that evening.
"Fuck," Emmett grumbled, considering Edward's words. "Why can't chicks just do what they're fucking made for and just give it up?"
"Also," Edward added as afterthought, "don't say shit like that."
"I can act like a fucking gentleman!" Emmett insisted.
Edward and Jasper both raised their eyebrows in perfect time with each other, almost as though they'd choreographed the move in advance.
"I can!"
"Whatever." Edward picked up the controller again.
"Fuck," Emmett sighed. "I need to get fucking wasted."
"I wouldn't say no to some refreshment," Edward agreed.
"But fucking Esme is fucking patrolling the kitchen," Emmett complained.
"She said she had a council meeting this evening," Jasper spoke up. "I think she was just heading out…"
Emmett perked up. "Really?"
"Go, mighty hunter," Edward teased. "Find us some booze."
Emmett glared at him. "Fuck you."
"Fuck you, too." Edward blew him a little kiss.
Emmett's face flushed again. "Fuck you all!" he insisted before storming out to get the beer.
Oh yes. It would be a very long night.