Closer
By Mellaithwen
Rating: K+
Genre: Tragedy/Angst
Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed, Drew Fuller, or Brian Krause
Summary: I hold my baby son in my arms, but it's not the same. Chris died in my arms, but now he's here, staring up at me with wide eyes, and I can't stop the tears.
-Edited to remove song lyrics by Joshua Radin
Missing him doesn't cut it, because he's not gone. And that's worse. I watched him die, in my arms no less, but I still hear his cries down stairs. I hear him crying at night in his crib, and I see Wyatt's scowl at being woken up, I see my baby boy eat and drink, and take hold of his mothers hair as she picks him up but I can't bare it
Because I watched him die in my arms, destroyed by everything I believed in, everything good, and right in the world, destroyed my son.
"Dad!" A soft cry rang out, and Leo orbed to his son's side. Leaving the hallucinations of future Wyatt to tend to a son that was actually there, that could be saved. At least that was what he'd thought before. Now there he was, his youngest, wounded and bloody, victim to Gideon's athame.
"Oh god." He whispered as he falls to his knees, rolling his son over, to see him still alive.
Chris mutteredabout his brother, and Leo looked at the playpen, Gideon stood there, Wyatt in his arms.
"It's for the best, Leo." That voice tells him, that voice he once respected, the voice he only felt extreme hate for.
The bitter taste of betrayal in his mouth like unwanted bile refusing to go away.
I loved him so much, and I didn't even get to tell him. Not once. But I don't know if I can say it in the same way to baby Chris. Is it the same? If I say it to baby Chris, will Chris, future Chris hear it somewhere, anywhere, wherever he's gone, will he hear me? Or will the bitter smoke of betrayal and distrust cloud everything else…?
"So, it worked, right? I mean, no nausea, no queasiness? Nothing like that?" Chris asked Piper, as they stood in the attic, referring to the potion that would now block Phoebe's empathy abilities.
"Nope. Nothing." She said content, and left the attic.
"Well, it looks like we're one big happy family again." Chris said triumphantly, staring at Leo.
"You're not family." The Elder said coldly, and left Chris alone in the attic.
Piper's afraid, I step back if she tries to put him in my arms. She thinks I hate him, and I really don't. I could never hate him, not now, and the guilt from hating him before is eating me alive.
I never trusted him, I never believed him for so long. Always putting him down, acting coldly like a childish imp. All I had to do was look because it was so obvious. Everything about him screamed Piper and I didn't see it, I didn't want to. I looked into his eyes, and I saw me in him. I didn't embrace it, or understand it, and suddenly his days were numbered.
The familiar sound of orbs announced Leo, Paige and Phoebe's arrival.
"Jeez, it's about time." He said, coming towards them after hearing the noise. "I was starting to get wor-" He stopped and paused, looking at them.
"Where's Piper?" He asked
"Son of a bitch." Was Leo's only reply, and Chris was caught off guard by the sudden punch to the face, slamming him into the wall, something akin to fear on his face.
"Why'd you do it?" Leo asked, in anger.
"Do what?" Chris asked, and Leo threw him across the room. The younger man flew through the air, into the chair, and hitting the table hard.
"Leo, stop it!" Paige said, desperate.
Chris began to orb out but Leo was too fast for him, he grabbed Chris' orbs and threw him across the room once more.
Crack.
The pain wasn't just physical as Leo looked over Phoebe's shoulder at Chris, he acted like it didn't, but his eyes spoke volumes, whether he wanted them to or not.
The wedding picture's broken.
A broken bond between Husband and Wife.
Father and Son.
I walk into his room, Wyatt sees me, and shoots up, I greet him and tell him to go back to sleep, and make my way over to baby Christopher. His little cot is littered with soft toys, and I take a few out to get a better hold of him.
He's so small, and his eyes are wide, his little face red from the screaming.
I pick him up in my arms for the first time since he was born, and I see what I've been missing.
"You were never there for me. You were there for everybody else; Mom, Wyatt, half the world, but you were never there for me" He takes a breath "You didn't have the time."
Little hands curl around my finger with a small grip, and though it would be easy to pull away, I never want to, I never want to let go. I stare into his eyes and I can't look away. He knows who I am, I can feel it.
He's stopped crying, I just rock him now, lulling him to sleep, but I don't want his eyes to close, I want him to stay awake forever, I want to talk to him again, I want to apologise, I want to save him.
And then I realise I'm not talking about baby Chris anymore…
Leo walked into Pipers bedroom, and felt a lump in his throat as he saw his son on the bed, pale as death, weak, and dying.
"Chris." He murmured and though he didn't have the strength, Chris still turned his head to the sound of his fathers voice.
"Hey." He said, and the weak, crackly voice broke Leo's heart. The Elder knelt down next to the bed, unaware of his sister-in-law Paige standing in the doorway, watching with sad, sad eyes.
"Hey. I'm here now. You can…hold on, ok?" Desperation filled his voice, he was terrified. "Hold on, hold on. I'm here." He said and brushed the hair from Chris's forehead.
"You can hold on, okay?" And his son nodded "Don't give up, okay?" He persisted, determined not to let him go. Chris nodded again and opened his mouth to speak.
"You, either." He said with a deep breath.
His last words before losing consciousness.
"No, no, no." Leo muttered, encased in denial. "Please, no." He couldn't lose him, not now, he promised, he promised he'd send him back.
"No, please."
God, please!
A shuddering breath, and a fathers world shattered all around him.
"No."
Leo could hear Paige taking deep breath, but he could hold it back no longer.
He was gone.
Tears fell freely and soon sobs followed unceremoniously. He leant forward, hoping to feel Chris' presence, maybe even feel the spark of light still. He leant forward, and felt nothing but pain, eating him alive. He clutched in his son's shoulder, burying his head in it, before Chris begins to fade away.
Now buried in the sheets, Leo reached out a hand to take hold of Chris, but he felt nothing. Just the sheets of the bed.
Silent tears in the doorway, that only intensified as Leo looked around in anguish, searching for his Chris, his youngest son. The man who he'd treated like garbage, who he hadn't trusted for so long, and who he had been cruel to, the man he loved more than anything, the young brave man, who had risked everything to save Wyatt, to save everyone. The young man who had died in his arms, and yet, was nowhere to be seen.
He closed his eyes as the tears fell down his face, but felt a tiny hand touch them, as if fascinated to see someone else with tears.
He opened them almost fearfully, but he didn't know why. He stared at the child.
His child.
His son.
His baby Christopher.
"I got it for the sisters. Phoebe's new power is wreaking havoc on their relationship, or haven't you noticed?" He said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"You expect me to believe this wasn't meant to protect your secrets?"
"No, I don't, but seeing as how you haven't figured me out yet, why would I even need it?"
"Don't get too cocky, kid." Leo said "Wouldn't want me to clip your wings, now, would you?" He taunted the younger whitelighter, as the tinkling of the Elder's calling sang through the air.
Chris looked up.
"Oops. Looks like Wyatt needs another baby-sitter…dad." He'd said it, and Leo had never even batted an eyelid at the term. Now though...
It had sounded like a cocky retort, talking about Wyatt not himself, but he had been. I was, I am, his dad.
So many secrets, so much hurt. I can't imagine having to be with someone I loved, and have them not know who I was. Not understand, or be able to take the burden as I should have. If I'd known, I could have helped, talked to him, console him, take a bit of the worlds problems off of his shoulders.
I was his father for gods sake! I should have known!
I look down at the baby in my arms
I am his father.
Not Was, because he's still here. Isn't he? Or will that Chris cease to be? I don't know anymore, I don't understand.
No wonder he hated me, I promised I'd take him home and he seemed so happy to get to see if it had changed, nervous too, and I'd seen his face drop as we stepped into another world, that clearly wasn't the future. Or any future he'd want to come back to.
I let him down. God I let him down!
No. No. I can't think like this. But it's true, or is it? I don't know!
He hated me, past tense, we worked it out, so why does it still hurt so much?
"What's going on? What am I doing here?" Leo asked aloud, still not sure about this vision quest.
"Don't worry, dad." A voice comes to his ears and he falters, unbelieving, unsure, fearful and hopeful. The term, spoken with a mature voice, a grown up voice. A voice he recognizes only too well.
He looked around, dreading the thought of it being his imagination. He turned to see Chris, his son, future Chris, alive, and sitting on the back of the jeep where Leo was hiding.
"I'm gonna help you through this." Kind words, spoken with care and love, making Leo's heart cry.
"Chris?"
Don't worry.
Those had been his words, and he had to listen. Listen to the memory. Listen to the lesson his son was trying to teach. The vision quest. He'd been asked what had happened, why he'd sounded out Chris, but it was too personal. A part of him dared think they had no right to know.
"So I don't understand. If I'm in the past, what are you doing here?" Leo asked, confused.
"I'm guiding you." Chris explained softly and simply.
"So you're real?" Leo asked, trying not to raise his hopes at the possibilities.
"No." He said, in a tone that almost made Leo wonder if Chris was annoyed by this fact.
"But I represent something that is." He continued and collected himself. "I died in your arms, dad, killed by everything that you thought was good. I'm your root pain, okay?"
Wasn't that the truth. Leo knew.
"And I'm gonna be sticking with you until you're ready to let me go."
"How will I know when that is?" He asked, praying for an answer.
"Come on. Let's check out some parts of your life that you really need to remember." Chris said wisely, and stood up.
"Do I have a choice?" Leo asked skeptically.
"Hey, it's your Vision Quest. It's up to you."
Leo looked up at Chris, hesitant at best to giving in to his deepest want of seeing him alive again, as he was.
"Come on." He says, and Leo still finds it hard to believe.
Chris held out his hand, ready to help pull Leo up.
Trust him! Leo's mind screamed and he grabbed Chris' hand.
A brilliant white light shone suddenly and Leo saw the ghostly plane, with a tinge of blue all around, in front of him.
"Where are we now?" He asked
Chris pointed out in front of them, that Leo should see. The Whitelighter turns to look.
He was sitting with Piper on a bench at the side of the building. His hand reached out and cupped the side of her face.
"I never stopped loving you." He said truly and Piper leaned in, beginning to cry. The two of them kiss.
Leo felt Chris looking at him.
"That feeling's what it's all about, dad." He said, and his father looked at him. "You died fighting evil in the war, then you were reborn as a Whitelighter to fight evil again. That led you to mom, love, to all that's good." He explained softly and the bright white light came again.
Leo looked and saw everyone gathered around Piper, who had just given birth to their son Wyatt. Phoebe held the baby lovingly in her arms.
"Is that what I think it is?" Paige asked.
Chris and Leo stood in the main hall watching.
"Yes, it is." Phoebe answered Paige in the vision.
"To the day Wyatt was born." Chris continued.
Leo walked up to the scene in front of him.
"Oh, it's a boy." Paige pointed out
"You mean, I got a boy?" Leo heard his past self say.
"Here you go mama." Phoebe said as she handed the little boy over to Piper. Everyone kept their eyes on the little guy.
"Hi." Piper said, talking to her little boy. "Hi, little guy. What are you doing?"
"Look what we did." She said, now talking to her husband.
"I see." Leo whispered
"It's a miracle." Paige said softly.
"A little miracle." Piper said.
And there it was again, the white flash signaling a different memory to be seen.
This time, Leo noted with sadness, was far more recent, and was fresh in Leo's memory.
"To the day when I was born." Chris continued again.
Leo's past self stepped forward, tears in his eyes, and the Nurse came over to him with baby Christopher in her arms. She carefully placed him in Leo's arms and Leo held him carefully. Looking down at him in wonder.
"Oh, look." Phoebe said "He's beautiful. Baby Christopher, that's your brother."
"Looks like we didn't lose him after all." Paige said happily.
Leo watched the scene unfold in front of him, sadness shining through his eyes.
"Do you understand now?" Chris asked and continued to explain. "All the pain, all the sacrifices, it's all been for good"
Leo almost found him asking if Chris' own sacrifice was for good, if Chris himself believed his death was worth it. His pain and suffering was worth it. Leo gulped down the lump in his throat.
"That's what you're all about, dad. That's what you've always been about. That's what the future's about, too."
Past Leo smiled at Phoebe and Paige.
"Look at your brother." Phoebe said, but Leo wasn't intent on listening any more.
"You just need to believe in that again."
"Can we see her?" Past Phoebe asked.
"Go." Chris said firmly. "Your family's waiting for you."
"You're my family too." Leo whispered.
Chris smiled behind his father and vanished into thin air. When Leo turned around, he saw that Chris was gone. Again. He turned back around, and closed his eyes, ready to leave his vision quest.
That tiny hand is on my cheek again, but I'm not crying. I take a deep breath. Chris is alive, and he's here, now, just a little younger, but I won't let him down, I won't let anything happen to either of my sons. I vow to that much.
I kiss him on the forehead and lay him down to sleep, and he does so in seconds. I smile, and look over to Wyatt. I pick him up and hug him, kiss him on the forehead and he too falls asleep.
My boys.
My wonderful boys.
-Fin
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