Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck.
"Are you okay?" Sam glared at me, raising an eyebrow.
"Uh, yeah, I'm fine," I responded, looking at my feet.
"Okay well you're playing like trash," he said, laughing through his words.
We were at band practice in Sam's room. Well, we would be, if Abigail were here. But she'd been sick for the past few days. So we were mostly just fucking around.
"Thanks, fucker," I responded, laughing. I set down my guitar and took a seat on his bed.
Fuck.
I didn't know what was going on with me. But something changed with Sam the past few weeks. He looked... different. He looked... I don't know. He looked good, that's all.
Fuck.
That wasn't all. I hadn't felt the way I felt about Sam since I was with Abby. And even then, things weren't as... vivid. With Abby I was warm and content. With Sam I feel like I'm on fire.
Sam threw a drumstick on the ground and it rolled near my feet. I picked it up and threw it back at him, laughing through my teeth.
"Hey!" He exclaimed, ducking his head while the stick hit a bookcase behind him.
"So when do you think Abby will be back?" I asked.
"Why? Miss her?" He teased, making a kissing face.
"Shut the fuck up, man," I rolled my eyes, "I was just asking."
"I don't know, I'll text her," he responded, pulling out his phone. There was a pause while I waited for him to finish.
"Why'd you two break up anyway?" He asked, shoving his phone back into his pocket.
I audibly groaned, "I already told you," I said, falling back onto his bed.
"You called her a bitch, didn't come to practice for weeks, and now you avoid her. That's not an explanation," he explained, still sitting at his drums.
"I wasn't lying, she IS a bitch," I responded.
She was, but that wasn't the reason we broke up. She was the only one who knew I was bisexual, which, I think is alarming considering how I dress, but whatever. She asked me if I had ever been with another guy, I said no, she told me she didn't want to hold me back. She wanted me to experience life. But a week later she was with someone from Zuzu city. So I don't think the breakup was really about me.
"Come on, Seb," Sam responded, slightly annoyed.
"She uh," I paused, sitting back up from the bed, "She's dating someone from the city," I responded.
"Oh that fuckin' sucks," he responded, softening his tone.
I let out a long sigh before mumbling, "yeah."
Sam's phone went off. "Oh, that's her," he said, pulling out his phone again, "She said she's not coming back for another week. So it's just you and me," he said, smiling.
"We're aren't gonna get shit done," I said, laughing.
"Probably not," he said, laughing with me, "Where'd that stick go?" He mumbled to himself as he got up and started to pace around his room.
I'd known for a while that I liked guys, but I had never looked at Sam that way in the past. But everyone says when you're gay you're bound to fall in love with your best friend, I guess they weren't wrong.
"You know what we should do?" He asked, snapping me out of my head.
"What?"
He walked towards me and crouched down to reach for something under the bed. He pulled out a six pack of beer and held it up.
"Heyyyy," I responded, reaching towards it and pulling out a single can, "Where'd you get it?" I asked.
"Shane, who else?" He responded, laughing.
"Fuckin' dope," I said, cracking the pop top.
Sam sat next to me on the bed and did the same.
"Do you know what you're gonna do this Fall?" He asked, shifting his position so he was sitting cross-legged.
I took a long sip of the beer and shrugged my shoulders, "Not really. My parents don't expect much because of how much of a damn genius Maru is."
I wasn't wrong. Mom barely even asks about school anymore. I was planning on going to the community college half an hour away but withdrew my application a day before the submission date. I couldn't bring myself to go.
There was a pause before I returned the question, "What about you? Any scholarships yet?"
He laughed and looked down at his can, "No. I have a game tomorrow though, and I hear a scout from Zuzu State will be there. So maybe I'll get lucky," he took a sip.
I'd only been to a few of his soccer games, mostly because Abby made me go. They never really interested me before.
"Mind if I come?" I asked, avoiding eye contact. I knew he wouldn't mind, why would he? But it still made me nervous to ask.
He snorted and his eyes shot up at me, "You? You want to come to a soccer game?"
"YOUR soccer game, not just 'a soccer game' stupid," I responded, lightly punching his arm.
"Yeah, whatever man, you can come," he said, shaking his head before chugging the rest of his beer. He crushed it with his fist and tossed it into the trash can next to his bed.
"Pass me another?" He asked, gesturing at the cans on the floor beside me. I pulled one out of the plastic rings and passed it over. Our finger tips touched and I felt my face get hot immediately. He didn't seem to notice, as he took out his phone and began scrolling through it.
I let the pause in conversation linger for a bit before I said, "I withdrew my application from Roseville."
"What?" His eyebrows scrunched together at the news, "Why?" He asked, still somewhat glancing down at his phone.
"I don't know, I just didn't want to be trapped here. I just want to get a place in the city or something. Everyone goes to Roseville. I don't want to be like fucking Penny," I said, disgusted.
"If you went, you could be fucking Penny," he retorted, laughing at his own joke.
"Ha-ha," I mocked, rolling my eyes, "She's not my type," I finished.
"Why not?" Sam asked, "She's hot."
"Not into the teacher type," I responded, slightly taken aback. I didn't know Sam thought anything of Penny.
"Suit yourself," he said, shrugging his shoulders.
I finished my beer and tossed it into the trash can. I laid back onto the bed and looked up at his ceiling.
"Not gonna have another?" He asked, his face glowing from the phone screen.
"Nah. Robin's waiting up for me," I responded.
"You're not staying over?" He asked, looking up from his phone. I felt my heart beat through my chest at the question.
"I wasn't planning on it," I said. Truthfully I don't think I could get any sleep with him being so close. Even if I slept on an air mattress on the other side of the room.
"Soccer game's at 9am. Away game," he said, raising his eyebrows.
I audibly groaned.
"Hey, you were the one who said you wanted to come," he responded, chuckling.
"I know, I do," I said, exasperated.
Sam got up and walked to his dresser. He pulled open the top drawer and threw me a pair of sweatpants and a t shirt I'd left here a few weeks back.
"Hey, I've been looking for this!" I exclaimed as I caught the wad of clothes flying my way.
Sam snorted, "It looks the same as every other black shirt you own," he remarked. He had a point.
Sam slipped off his jacket and let it hit the ground. I watched as he kicked it into the corner of his room. We'd changed in front of each other plenty of times before, but this time was different. This time, I was paying attention. He undid his belt and tossed it on top of the pile he'd started with the jacket. He stepped out of his jeans and I caught my breath, before clearing my throat in an attempt to cover up the noise.
"Need water?" He asked, his back still turned.
"Uh, no, just gonna have another beer since I'm staying," I studdered.
He slipped on a pair of athletic shorts, "I'm gonna grab the air mattress," he said before exiting the room.
While he was gone, I changed into the sweats and t shirt. I whipped out my phone and texted Robin to let her know where I was. While I was waiting for Sam to reappear, I unhooked another beer from the plastic and opened it before taking a sip.
Suddenly there was a loud thud before I heard Sam mumble, "fuck."
I exited the room to find Sam on the ground with the air mattress partially unfolded underneath him.
I chuckled before asking, "What the hell happened?" I extended my hand out to help him up.
"I tripped," he muttered, his cheeks flushed. He grabbed my hand, losing his balance halfway up, instead pulling me down with him.
"Fuckin' shit," I mumbled, crashing onto the floor.
"Sorry," he said, chuckling. I started laughing with him, collecting myself and rolling off of the air mattress. He did the same and stood up. He reached out his hand and I grabbed it, hoisting myself up.
He grabbed the mattress and drug it into his room as I followed. He plopped it down next to his bed, still half deflated.
"Do you have the pump?" I asked, unfolding it.
"Uh, yeah," he said before exiting the room and returning with it. He handed it to me as I attached it to the mattress. I sat on the ground, drinking my beer as I watched it inflate.
"Be right back," Sam mumbled as he exited the room again. My eyes wandered as I waited for him to get back. I saw that he'd left his phone on the bed, unlocked. I stood up and walked closer out of curiosity.
"Tinder?" I whispered to myself, confused at the white screen with orange flame. He'd never really struck me as someone to use tinder. But I guess our options are pretty fucking limited here. As I started to walk away I noticed a notification pop up that read, 'new tinder message from: Stephen'
I did a double take, "Stephen?" I whispered. There's no way that's a girl's name. Did Sam like guys too? Before I could think about it anymore, he came back into the room. I swiftly walked away from the bed and sat back down on the floor.
"Is it working?" He asked, keeping his eyes down.
"Yeah, it's done," I responded, unhooking the motor from the air mattress. I slid it away from the bed and reached for my phone. New message from Mom giving the okay to stay at Sam's.
"I'm gonna grab a blanket from the hall closet," I said, getting up and exiting the room. I opened the closet door and grabbed a blue blanket with soccer balls all over it. I chuckled and walked back into the room, holding it up on display.
"Cute, Sam," I said.
He glanced up and rolled his eyes, "Shut up, my dad mailed it to me." I instantly felt bad for saying anything. His dad still hadn't returned from the war and I knew Sam was worried he might never.
"Oh, sorry," I mumbled, switching off the lights and walking back to my mattress.
"It's fine, I'm just glad he's alive," he responded in a somber tone. He locked his phone and setting it on his bedside table. He grabbed a remote and aimed it at the tiny TV in the corner of his room. It flickered awake and began playing a re-run basketball game.
I laid down on the matress and glared at the TV. I wanted to say something to comfort him about his dad, but I'd never known anybody to fight in a war. My dad skipped out just because he wanted to, I guess.
"You think he's coming back soon?" I asked, staring at the ceiling.
"I don't know," he mumbled, "I've lived so much of my life without him at this point. I don't really think of him as a father anymore. He's just some guy that sends me soccer ball blankets," he snorted.
"At least he cares," I said, thinking of my own dad.
There was a long pause.
He sighed, "I'm sorry, man," he mumbled, barely audible.
I closed my eyes and listened to the TV on in the background. My head was swimming with what had happened tonight. I couldn't get the idea of who Stephen was out of my head. Maybe Abby would know? She's the only one who knows about me, after all. I pulled out my phone and opened up my messages.
'Hey. I know this is random but I have a question about Sam,' I typed. I hoped she'd still be awake. A few minutes went by before she responded.
'You wanna talk about Sam at 11:56pm?,' she wrote. I rolled my eyes.
'Does he like dudes?,' I typed. I let it sit there for a while, as I stared at the question. I couldn't send that. I deleted it and started over, 'Did you know he uses tinder?' I typed.
'Lots of people do,' she responded. I sighed. This wasn't going anywhere.
'Nevermind,' I sent, remembering why I don't talk to her anymore.
I locked my phone and set it on the ground beside me.
"Goodnight," I mumbled, shifting my body away from the TV.
"Night," he responded, "I'll wake you up in the morning for my game."