A/N: hi guys, it's been a while, eh? ) Well, I'm back just to give you this very angsty but still worth reading one shot. I swear, it's better than it sounds... the italics are memories that happened when Suze and Jesse were together btw. and just a disclaimer.. i dont own anything/anyone.
It had been exactly one year since that day. That day that he had decided to finally listen to others and to shatter his fantasy. The world in which he was living, or for a more fitting word, existing in. A world that happened to be all a foolish dream; one he wished he truly lived in.
At the thought of the word, he chucked to himself, his heart aching with every pitiful laugh. Dios mio, Living? He hadn't truly done that since over a century and a half ago. But then...
...He watched her for the first time in one full year. He hadn't meant to dwell...only just a glimpse. A glimpse to drink in what he had given up in spite of his fate; the bitter taste of reality.
Who are you kidding, De Silva? You can't even buy her a goddamn cup of coffee.
Her hand reached out to take the cup of smoldering coffee from the unknown man opposite her. Giving him a soft and shy smile, she opened her mouth to give her thanks.
The man smiled as he placed his hand on one of her own.
To his dismay, she didn't pull away. He couldn't think clearly anymore. It hurt him to think...to think back...
She was leaning on his hard chest, using one of her long, slender fingers to lightly trace lazy circles on his stomach. He let out a combination of a soft laugh and a sigh, grabbing her persistent fingers and entwined them with his own.
'Querida, that tickles,' he laughed, now tracing his thumb along the smooth skin of her palm.
She gave a little giggle, snuggling herself even closer to him. 'mmm, that's adorable of you, Mr. De Silva. But, maybe I happen to like tickling you?"
His lips curved up into a smile. 'And maybe I happen to know an effective method to run away from your tickling advances?' he replied, gently pulling away just a little.
Suddenly, she grabbed his hand and gently pushed his back onto the bed once again.
'Don't leave, Jesse. Promise me you'll never leave me."
Once again, interlacing her fingers with his, and leaning down to kiss her forehead, he whispered to her, "I promise."
He watched as she and the other man talked, his hand placed conveniently on top of hers, resting on the table top, the aroma of coffee lingering in the air with the sweet Christmas ballads playing in the background.
He then heard her all too familiar laugh. It hurt him to watch them together. It hurt him to wawtch her smiling with another man, but her beauty captivated him and caused him to continue watching her. But his mind lingered somewhere else. . .
'I love Christmas,' she sighed, leaning her head down on his shoulder. They were on the rooftop, side by side, watching the sun go down.
'My family and I used to look forward to Christmas every year. It was nothing extravagant, but it was a time for us to gather and appreciate each other. Back when each of us were actually alive, of course..." he trailed off, looking away, sadness and resentment clearly in his usual strong, silky voice.
He then felt a smooth pair of hands caress his cheeks, turning his averted gaze towards hers. Her emerald green eyes were shining with something...
'Jesse,' she whispered, leaning in so closely that he could feel her breath and the tip of her nose was affectionately grazing his. 'Jesse, you're more alive and real to me than anything or anyone in this world.' She then lightly brushed her soft lips against his mouth, making him forget his pain; at least a little bit of it.
'Querida, I can't even buy you anything for the holidays.. I-"
She silenced him again with a kiss, except this time with more passion. "No, Jesse, please stop. I don't care about any of that stuff. I love you. I love you so much. Can't you understand that I don't need anything more?"
Tears began to roll desperately down her cheeks and his heart broke. Just watching her cry because of him... He couldn't take it. He drew her in closer to him, kissing her brimming tears away, and then kissing her directly on the lips. In between soft kisses, he managed to whisper, "Te amo, Susannah. Words cannot begin to describe how much I love you..."
He sighed, trying to keep his breathing in control without completely collapsing of the crushing pain in his chest...
...and then he remembered...
He had no breath.
His hand balled up into a clenched fist, out of both anger at himself for forgetting, and also for the desperation of feelings that rushed in when he looked at her.
He saw her coming into her bedroom, a sweet smile plastered over her beautiful features. She was humming the upbeat tune of an overplayed Christmas melody as she called out his name.
No answer.
'Jesse? are you trying to scare me again? Because it's not going to work this time, you know?'
Her smile started to slowly fade into a confused frown when she noticed the foreign objects on the widow seat. When she got closer, she saw that the unknown objects were a single flower and a folded up piece of paper with her name on the front in perfect handwriting. Hands trembling, she opened the letter...
Querida,
You may never forgive me for this but remember that I did it for you. If I loved you any less, I wouldn't have done this. But, I must tell you that I do love you...So much. Too much for a dead man like myself. You deserve a fair and normal life, Susannah. One with a man who can truly be with you. One who can truly take care of you. A man who can truly love you. A man who is alive and belongs in your world.
Maybe one day when you're married and have kids and a more than successful life (which I'm more than confident that you will accomplish), you'll look back at this and realize what a selfish man I was for loving you and encouraging the love you gave me in return. Maybe one day you'll realize how foolish it was for a ghost such as myself to love a beautiful woman who deserved more than a corpse to love. Maybe one day you'll remember and forgive me for what I'm doing.
I'm sorry I couldn't say good-bye in person. But, all I wish is for you to move on and truly live.
I love you and I'm sorry.
-Jesse.
It was then that he watched her drop the letter as if it had burned her slender and trembling fingers. It was then that he heard her let out a strangled cry, frantically sobbing. It was then that he witnessed her falling to her knees, her hands covering her face, her shoulders shaking with desperate abandon and tears.
It was then that he couldn't handle the sight of her crying on the ground, that he turned around, tears in his own eyes, secretly dematerializing away. Right before he left, he heard her whisper into thin air, "I thought you promised me you wouldn't leave me, Jesse."
Without another word or thought, he disappeared.
He now saw her, a year later, still talking to the nameless man. It didn't matter what the man's name was... it still didn't feel right either way. He proceeded to watch them as the man came closer with every sentence he spoke. At first, she began to back away, but then seemingly changed her mind and allowed him to come closer to her. As the man leaned in closer and closer, the smell of coffee suddenly became stronger with every breath, intoxicating his every senses.
He was supposed to be happy for her. She was doing exactly what he asked her to do in his final letter he had written to her.
His gaze was glued to the scene that was unfolding in front of him. Their lips were merely an inch apart. The man's fingers were now entangled in the long chesnut colored hair that he used to love to brush his hands through. It was merely a second before their mouths would meet when he lost his control.
It was merely one word; one soft whisper...but it made all the difference in the world.
"Querida."
At that very moment, she gasped and turned her face slightly so the man just missed her lips and ended up kissing her cheek instead. The man's brows furrowed in confusion as she opened her eyes, glancing at his and stammered softly, "I-I-I'm sorry, but I just can't do this." She turned her face once again to the side, this time her eyes open and brimming with shiny tears.
To his surprise, her gaze focused in his own direction, her emerald colored eyes widening, causing another tear to slide down her cheek.
"Jesse..." She gasped, pushing her way out of the man's arms.
"What-?" He heard the man wonder aloud, staring confusedly at Susannah.
Not knowing what to do, he quickly turned around and rushed out of the little coffee shop.
Why he hadn't just chosen to dematerialize and disappear again, he didn't know.
After a few paces out of the shop, he was about to turn the corner, when he heard an all too familiar voice yell his name again.
He should've just kept walking. He should've just dematerialized away like he had planned to do in the first way. He should've disappeared...disappeared out of her life, but he just couldn't. Instead, he just stopped walking, not knowing what he would do... not knowing what this day would lead to.
In a matter of moments, he felt a pair of arms wrap around him from the back. It was her. He felt her cheek softly press against the back of one shoulder, her arms snuggly around him, seeming as if they never wanted to let go.
"Susannah," he whispered into the night, shaking a bit from her touch. "Susannah, someone might see us."
"Jesse, please...there are barely any people out right now, and even if there were, I don't care." She gradually loosened her embrace, as she held his hand and turned him around to face her.
His eyes finally directly met hers up close and he couldn't breathe. Or at least, he couldn't think. The thoughts of leaving her again... The thoughts of being dead while the woman he couldn't bear to be without was living...The thoughts of being noble and letting her move on with another man, one who happened to have a pulse. They all lifted away from him and all he could think about was how much he missed her.
They stared at each other for the longest time. No words were exchanged, yet so much passed through them in those few moments.
I love you.
It took a while for him to realize how close their faces were. Her pink lips were merely a breath away, yet he could taste her already. His finger then began to trace up her arm...up her smooth and exposed neck...across her cheeks and then to one corner of her lips. Slowly, he traced his fingertips lightly across her lips, committing their feel to memory. Her eyes fluttered shut as her lips parted, letting out a quiet sigh. Taking her small hand in his, he leaned down and affectionately gave it a kiss before he wrapped his arms around her, bringing her body so close to his that her every curve meshed gently with his torso.
For the first time in a long year, their lips met. Softly at first, wanting to savor every moment, but with a few light kisses on the mouth, they gradually increased into a fiery, almost frantic kiss. Her arms wrapped tighter around his neck as she sighed contently while he deepened the kiss, wanting to show her how much he missed her and how sorry he was. They parted for a second, but only for him to move his lips down to her neck, smothering it with his lips and tongue, all while her hands knowingly combed through his hair.
After what seemed like forever, they slightly pulled apart for moment to look at each other once more, before they wrapped their arms around each other into a tight embrace; her head leaning comfortably on his shoulder by the base of his neck.
"Querida, you're shaking... We should go-"
At this moment, she only hugged him tighter, a sense of fear in her voice. "Jesse, please. Don't leave me again. I don't know what I have to do to convince you that I don't need anything more but this. Promise me you wont leave me again."
He could've done anything at that moment. He could've gone through with what he had done exactly a year before. He could've given her a normal life with an alive man. But was that really the right thing for both of them?
"Querida, I promise."
Last time he had broken his promise to her and left. But this time, he went through with his word. It didn't matter whether it was the accepted right thing. He didn't care. He had her in his arms and that was the only right thing he knew.
Please review? )