A/N: Hope you guys like it!
Disclaimer: I totally don't own any of the characters mentioned.
You find it weird and oddly unsettling that the one time she doesn't smile at you, you realize how much you want that attention. She literally just strolled by you with a smile on her face, and you were ready to finally acknowledge her, when you realized she was looking through you, not at you. It wasn't a whole lot of thought when it passed through your mind as you followed her with your eyes, a feeling of envy washing over you as you noticed that her smile is directed at some boy. You know his name, but you don't give a damn about him, just the fact that he isn't you. You like her. You really, really like her.
That certainly explains everything. On your part anyway. Before, everyone just assumed that you hated her, and not that you really got it then, but it wasn't ever the truth. You liked messing with her, and that she fed into it all the time. It was fun, making her sputter. Except, no one really understood the meaning of playful banter, maybe because when it came to real insults, even you couldn't deny that you were fucking fierce. Maybe you're in a league of your own, maybe she was more fragile than you thought?
Shows just how well your friends know you, they can't decipher your playful from your vicious, but it's just not like you to be less when it comes to your remarks so they can clearly see the difference. But just think of where that willingness to reinvent yourself could've gotten you now. You could be smiling back at Vega, mocking her, and telling her things that you've never even thought about consciously.
Like how good she looks from behind. Beside the point, sure, but definitely worth noting.
The point is, you're not even uncomfortable with the idea that you're into her. You have absolutely no idea why, because despite your being forced to hang out with her, you've not the slightest clue what she's really like. You know her favorite color, her favorite animal, and you know her dreams. You know that the combination of all these things: purple, kittens, and to be a famous singer; they make her a cliché. But the part of you that wants her is telling you that she's not.
It was gradual, and if they were really paying attention, or if you had paid attention, it would've been obvious. You went from crude remarks to being awkward around her. You couldn't stop staring at her legs because they just looked so… smooth. You were lingering when your hand brushed hers, but brutal if she pointed it out. You were like a school boy with a crush, and no one, not even you, was able to notice. Maybe people scrap the idea that when a boy (girl) likes a girl, he (she) will find ways to talk to them, hold their attention, touch them. Even if those are negative ways, but you've damn sure always been able to hold their attention, except for now.
She's making eyes at other guys, and you're out of the spotlight.
That sort of rhymed.
But still, she is, and it's true she probably got tired of chasing you. Not like she was interested, but she's the type that wants an invested friendship. You were a "meanie" to her. She held you with high expectations and you let them down all the time, unconsciously trying to make being a bane to her existence your nonchalant way of keeping her in your life. It's nothing like when you're with the others, and you always assumed that it was that way because it amused you, but damn.
You want her.
You don't go into panic mode. You've barely ever had a crush, but there's this pull, an ache that's threatening to make your heart rip itself out in order to relieve it. It's not the fact that you like her that's unsettling. No, it's the dramatic side, the overstated part of your brain that's constantly reminding you that you've come to this conclusion as she's walking away.
You can't bring yourself to think anything. It's a thought process when you think about it now, and it sort of amazes you just how fast it's happening before your very eyes. It's a moment when your brain is confusing itself literally tying itself into knots as it places the pieces together.
One part is saying you like her, another part is responding "okay" trying to comfort you. Another part is wondering what in the hell it's supposed to mean for you, and the other is feeling a little lonely. Another is thinking about sexuality and why you feel nothing but somehow everything you can't say. Something in the left side of your chest aches while yet another is telling you it's because you're subconsciously remembering what a heart is and how it's portrayed in the books. The rational side is there now telling you the ache isn't real, and it's sending signals to the rest of your body making it stand still so your brain can end it's process as far as subconsciously figuring this out goes. Then there's one part that rings clear, even as you heart tugs in your chest leaving a dull thud that translates into muffled screaming of "why?!" along with your initial thought, and among your thought process, the only one you realize at the moment she's walking by you. It's like two parts of you speaking to each other.
I like her. I like a girl.
Okay.
It's not confirmation, and you go numb. All of those other things occurred in the time it took for those words to sink in and you keep it moving till you get on the bus, because you sister's borrowing your car. You don't think as you sit down, or as the bus starts to move. You keep your eyes on the view from the windows and you sometimes imagine her. It's nothing wrong or right about it yet, and for the time being in your mind, it just is. You don't care about what anyone might say, because somehow it still doesn't completely register and you find yourself picturing her until it does.
You see her the next day, and you knew you weren't being overly dramatic yesterday because you see her in her entirety today. You notice her hair, how soft her face looks, the curve of her lips, and how her voice seems to coat you and goad the ache in your heart out again. It's not a bad ache. You actually relish in it in a way, because some part of you already accepts it. It's uncomfortable. Like a remnant of a cramp in your foot. So maybe ache is too strong of a word, and maybe it's mental but you have come to notice that you've never felt the word ache as you do right now. It's a pain, and some say pain is mental. But if you're going on what you feel now? Fuck them, and fuck you because it hurts.
Somehow, you know that it's a good kind of pain though. You almost feel important, like you were chosen specifically to feel like this. You never felt this way with Beck. Though that's probably because you had a chance with him. Tori, however, is an entirely different ball game.
Literally, you think to yourself as for the first time in a while you smile back, you switched teams, you laugh out loud at the thought. You don't mind being dramatic, you like theatrics. You don't however like liars, regardless of how skilled you are in the art of deceit. So how do you feel about keeping it to yourself that you've got a thing for a Vega? Not bad, it's no one else's business, that's all. You stick to that when Robbie points out how spacey you've been.
No matter how hard you try to keep your cool, you can't ignore your feelings for her. You literally moan when her shirt rides up as she stretches at lunch. Cat looks at you funny but you don't pay her any mind. You distance yourself from Tori, not purposely, but if she's not around, you're not awkward. You don't constantly lick your lips, and nothing… stirs under the hood… You're in check. But maybe you hurt her feelings. She stops talking to just you, only around when you're with mutual friends. You miss when she would come and nag to just you, but you can't tell her that. So you leave her be, and it hurts, but that pain has you now convinced it's mental, and that's not to say that you're crazy, no.
Just that you've developed a tolerance for it. You figure out that it had hurt her at one moment in time you'll never really be able to save yourself from. It's on that day that the ache becomes a bad sort of pain. Before it was longing. Now it's a wound. Fuck your ego, but she hurt your feelings.
For months before you subconsciously developed a space for the girl in your heart, you constantly denied friendship, for what reason you've no idea at this point.
You're making a mental note to apologize for it sometime, because, fuck.
You never realized how bad it hurt.
She was talking to some nondescript girls in your year as you walked by. You heard snippets here and there, because you're nosy, and you can't deny your stalking her from afar. They were talking about a party, who was invited, why, why not, the usual. Vega was throwing some type of party at her house, and one of the girls asked if you would be there. Tori bit her lip awkwardly and shook her head. The words came out of her mouth and you saw the girls and her look at you.
"She's just… we're not really friends I guess. I just don't know her all that well." Her eyes shot up when she noticed you, as did the others, presumably to gauge your reaction. You saw her sort of cringe even as the words fell from her mouth, like she started something, but she didn't want to finish it, it just happened that way. You were only half paying attention, but it registered a second after. You just pursed your lips and shrugged, as though it didn't affect you, always trying to look aloof. You went to class that day and you thought about how much it did hurt, what other methods you could've come up with to keep your feelings under wraps. You know, she really wasn't at fault. She wanted to be your friend in the very beginning, and you took that feeling of attention, of being wanted for granted. It was your fault, but she was deeply connected to it, but it was still your fault, which pissed you off because it still hurt like hell.
Later that day you catch her at the vending machine by her locker and you walk up behind her. She grabs a Wahoo Punch and turns abruptly after you clear your throat. She raises her eyebrows when you don't say anything, and it becomes awkward pretty fast. She sips it and you try to figure out why the hell you wanted to talk to her in the first place.
Oh yeah, you wanted to hear her voice.
"You got any gum, Vega?" You ask, examining your fingernails. She nods still a bit confused as to why you're there. She hands a stick to you, and it's small, so your hands touch. You try your best not to draw attention to it, and to pull away the right time so it doesn't seem like you crave that contact, but you're feeling self-conscious and you just know that she knows. She nods and prepares to walk off after you thank her, but you call her back and somehow you pull her to the closet.
She stumbles in after you and whines about almost spilling her punch before you turn on the lights. Well, it's just a naked bulb, so make that light. She takes the same pose as before, and sips that damn punch, drawing your eyes back to her mouth.
"Jade, not to rush you or anything but… Why are we in the closet again?" She raises an eyebrow. You tilt your head to the side.
"Can we be friends again?" You ask. Your eyes widen along with hers and you almost open your mouth to try again, because you don't want to be friends, but you realize that you need it. You need her in any way that she'll allow. It's your turn to chase.
"Uh, again? Since when were we ever friends?" Her nose scrunches, but you get it 'cause it's a valid question. You denied all friendship for a long time.
"Can we be friends now?" You ask. She studies you, and you let her, because this is much more intimate than the furtive glances you spare on her so frequently nowadays.
"You heard what I said earlier?" She asked. You nodded but your throat tightened, because what were you going to do if she said no? "Did I um… Did I hurt your feelings? I'm really sorry if I did, I just thought that you really didn't like me anymore. I mean, you completely ignore me now, this is the first time we've had a real conversation in weeks. Before, I always assumed that we were kind of friends, but all of a sudden you wanted nothing to do with me."
"I wasn't doing it on purpose." You inwardly groaned because you really weren't thinking things through before you said them. You totally were doing it on purpose! And you had hurt her feelings, something you never really thought about before, but you've had plenty of time to do just that lately. You wanted to make it right, so you kept fucking talking. You don't condone lying.
"I was just trying to understand some things. I needed to be alone for a while. But now, unless you don't want to, I'd like to at least be friends." You had went over that one a few times after it you're your mouth. It wasn't bad, for you to be so nervous, so distracted, and so pissed off for feeling that way. It was short and sweet, you totally got your point across clearly.
"At least?" She narrowed her eyes. You tried not to let it show, but you tensed up. You hadn't meant for it all to come out like that after all. Well, you had but… Damn it. You're sure your face is on fire while she stares at you intently. It makes you wanna cry because you think that she knows, that you're less than what you were before you came up with this stupid idea to pull her into the janitor's closet with no plans.
"… What else would you want?" She bit her bottom lip and you know she heard your breath hitch in your throat, and you know she can see your face is the color of a fucking tomato, but you can't come up with a lie at the moment, so you repeat yourself.
"Can we be friends or not, Vega?" You look down at the ground and she seems to gravitate closer, or maybe you do, and if this was at all like any of the books you've read, this is a crucial moment for you.
"Jade, what do you want from me?" She throws away her can and you follow its path in a ditch effort to avoid her eyes.
"I wanna be friends." You realize that you just whispered that, but it's no matter because she's close enough to hear it. You find yourself staring at her lips, wondering about the chances of your first girl crush being into girls, or just into you.
"That's the least right?" She asks, and you know that this is your chance to take everything back, tell her it wasn't meant to sound that way, that you just want a truce. You don't.
The ache is back but it's a different type of uncomfortable, and she's got your engine running, but something in you has snapped, so you play along, but you can just barely find it in you to think of this as some sort of game.
"What are you willing to give, Tori?" You whisper again, and unlike last time when your… "switch" wasn't on, it registers when your voice makes her shudder. You're noticing everything, only vaguely wondering how all this is happening.
Her hand drops down to graze your forearm and your eyes are trained only on her as she gets closer. Her staggered breath fans along your face, her fingertips fully grasp your arm but you shake them off and fix both of your hands on her waist. She shivers and her body seems to sink into your grip, even though she hasn't moved again. You swallow visibly and she sets one hand on your shoulder and her other cups the side of your face as you both lean in. You stop, just millimeters apart and appreciate the fact that something you'd never even considered, a kiss, was in your near future.
She tightened her grip on your shoulder and you pulled her even closer before placing your lips together. It sent bristles up your spine and your bodies seemed to roll into one another looking to take each other in completely. The kiss was tentative, it was as though you were both trying to savor it. Your heart felt like it had flown away and your breathing picked up as you noticed how compliant her lips were with yours. They were so soft, it felt like you were drowning in them, in her.
You know that's a total cliché, but until recently, you never saw how accurate they could be. You let out a sigh bordering on a moan before you both pulled away, still holding on, because the shock that seemed to be pulsing through the both of you was just too overwhelming. You leaned your foreheads together and breathed each other in.
"Jade?" She whispered. You opened your eyes, though you don't remember closing them. Hers were closed still. You squeezed her hips in response. "What do you want from me?"
You had to think, because you really weren't completely sure. Over the past few weeks, realizing you liked Tori didn't come with realizing why. You just did. But there was one thing you knew you wanted.
"I want you to want me."
A/N: Hi! I just wrote this last night after surfing through the site. I stumbled across an author's old story where they did a revision of a journal entry basically. This will be my first posting of one of my stories anywhere, and I was going to upload something else but it wasn't as heartfelt. I basically went through this when I had a crush on this girl, though, I was waaaaayyyyy more dramatic than I made Jade, and I didn't get to kiss her but… Yeah. I was inspired by the fact that their story was meaningful to them, when I was about to post something yesterday that lacked a lot of feeling. I realized I wasn't rusty, but I wasn't feeling it! So, I revised a version of something that happened and sort of forced myself to relive it… Painful, but I like it. You can tell when I start adding Jori elements. This isn't my first fic, might as well be though, I am feeling a teeny bit rusty. Been meaning to make an account for like 4 years now -.- but here I am! I would love to hear your thoughts, I'll just be happy to get one review even if it were to be mean… But I know it won't be, because I have faith in you!
Mai_Tt :):