Disclaimer: Star Trek and Enterprise (the universe, the characters, and all related images and logos) are copyrighted by Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended or should be inferred. No money was made from the writing of this fanfiction.

Author's note: Please note that this is a rather silly bit! This "story" is a result of some role-playing and fanfic going on, on the social network Twitter. The person who is responsible for Captain Archer has been away on vacation for a while and I simply wanted to bring him/her(?) up to speed when they got back. I started making some notes, and it evolved into this rather tongue-in-cheek report. (I even did it all up in nice HTML on Google docs for an official NX01 status report look. Email me for the link.)

This is set after season four, ignoring the season finale (of course!) and quite possibly some other canon stuff.

Subject: Weekly Status Report, February 9, 2156
Filed by: Acting Captain, Commander Charles Tucker

Summary:
Mapping project is going smoothly, thanks to improvements to long range sensors. A problem causing failures of the EPS conduits on deck D was identified and dealt with. Alien intruder situation handled and new security protocols established. Communiques from alternate universe intercepted. One very angry alien badger now residing in sickbay.

Details follow.

Sciences and Medical Divisions:

Doctor Phlox reports that all crew physicals are complete with the exception of one Captain Jonathon Archer, currently unavailable due to a diplomatic mission to Betazed. Only minor crew injuries during this time, including some plasma burns, prolonged exposure to a potent pheromone, and one alien badger bite that required stitches. The Doctor adds that he's sent a research paper off to the Denobulan Medical Association on the use of osmotic eels in the treatment of traumatic injuries.

Science teams have successfully scanned and collected data to map the Betreka Nebula, Tendaras Cluster and nearby planetoids. Upgrades to long range sensors performed well and cut scanning time by one third.

Engineering Division:

EPS shortages on D deck determined to be caused by a large alien badger-like creature, possibly accidentally brought on board in one of the cargo containers during our stop at Risa. Dr. Phlox has determined that it brought no contagions on board and has added the creature to his menagerie in sick bay. The Doctor suspects that the corrosive oils in the creature's tail are what caused the damage to the conduits. Commendations for Ensign Navarro, who located and captured the creature at great risk to himself.

Security and Tactical:

An alien intruder situation was successfully contained. Ensign [redacted] was under an alien influence when he was convinced to bring two Orion women on board and then reroute ventilation systems on D deck. Security and engineering teams had been called to search D deck with hand scanners for the alien rodent that was causing problems with the EPS conduits. Ensign Travis Mayweather and Lieutenant Reed were the last ones on deck D after the search was called off and were the ones to find the Orion women. They were adversely affected by an alien pheromone and were hauled away to sickbay. Security was advised by Dr. Phlox to wear EV suits to avoid the pheromone saturating level D. Once the intruders were in custody, Enterprise departed for Kreetassa where the two Orions were transported to the surface. The Ensign who brought them on board did come forward. Lt. Reed reviewed our security protocols following this incident and made recommendations for improvements. Commendations for the alien badger for mucking up the EPS conduits and forcing us to search for it, leading to the discovery and subsequent custody of the intruders.

In addition, Lt. Reed and I have been monitoring communiques from a parallel universe though a communication device known as "Twitter", which has been determined to have considerable spatial and temporal reach. Lt. Reed has ordered that any crew member who is approached by an individual from the alternate universe is to contact Security immediately. Lt. Reed also reports that he has gathered considerable intelligence from the monitoring of the parallel universe's communiques. For more detailed information, see the full weekly Tactical report.

Ensign Travis Mayweather alerted us to fluctuating energy anomalies during one mapping run. The readings appear similar to the ones taken off a planet near the Romulan temporal incursion at Echo 3 about a month ago. Lt. Reed suggests that the energy could have something to do with the proximity to similar coordinates as our counterparts in the other universe. He recommends keeping a distance between us and coordinates of the other ship. Special commendation for Ensign Travis Mayweather for some amazing flying during off-duty hours.

Lt. Reed reports that upgrades to the aft plasma canons are online and fully operational. Upgrades were tested in an asteroid field near the Betreka Nebula. Tests were completed successfully. And somewhat gleefully.

No further telemetry activity from Echo 3.

Communications:

Ensign Sato has completed integrating several new languages into the UT. The com system was down briefly, but senior officers were able to communicate using the aforementioned "Twitter" device until all communications systems were brought back online. Commendations to Ensign Sato and her team from bringing the entire com system back up in less than an hour.

Unofficial Addendum: (Please delete before filing this report with Starfleet Command!)

We had a birthday party for Crewman Fletcher. Chef singed an eyebrow. Valentine's Day is coming up and Travis Mayweather reports that he's still finding small foam peanuts in his quarters. (See previous report's unofficial addendum entitled "Very Important Project Involving Packing Peanuts".) The movie for Tuesday night is "True Grit" (a John Wayne film).

It appears we have allies in many other universes and/or time lines. They've repeatedly provided helpful tactical information. Special commendations to them all for their timely and useful information. And company.

Welcome back Captain. Can I please be excused to engineering now? - Trip