I've started a new diary and this time I have a few new reasons
One:I have no friends left
Two:So I can read back and remember what I did the day before
and Three: so if I die, at least I leave a nice little suicide note of my life
It's just me and you diary...welcome to my fucking life
Dear Diary,
Today a girl died. Right in front of me , I see this happen to much. It's Christmas. And I've talked to no one today . Not Nora, or Dad. Not even Marti. None of them care for me. Not anymore. But like they would any way. I can't bare to see Casey. Nobody knows the shit that happens in my head. Its haunted.. 30 minutes ago I could of killed someone or better yet myself. These drugs are all I have left.
Derek..
He threw the diary back onto the ground. He walked over to the small pipe laying on the desk. He eyed it as a smirk slowly appeared on his face.
He grabbed it off the table and slipped it into his mouth . Waving the flame under the boil his whole body went to instant cold ness . Just how it always went , he pulled it out . And looked around the room everything was just so plain before now.. Its… everything.
His heart pounded he could hear it. The room spinned as he walked outside in the cold winter air.
A familer guy walked up to him. "Hey Trevor." He said with a smirk plastered onto his face.
"Hey Derek good to see you, need another deal?" Derek shook his head and grabbed his head. "You'd think I'd get use to this." Trevor laughed. "Never really gets old." Derek moved his bangs out of his face.
"Marry fucking Christmas Trevor." He said walking down the road. The sound of Christmas caroler's ran through his mind muffled as he made his way down the street.
How did he end up like this you ask? For now lets just say people in his past got him into it.. And he left so no one would know.
The whole world moved back and forth while Derek stood still . lalalalalala lalalala lala lalala lalala The music got louder as his world continued to spin.
His stomach learched forward and all the spinning seemed to subside when he saw Casey's picture plastered onto the window of the movie theater window.
"Fuck you Casey." He whispered at the picture and moved more down the road. LALALALALALAL LALALALA LALALAAL LALA
"Shut up!!!" He said grabbing his head and his ears. Everything was super sensitive to him. Expecially those annoying as hell Christmas caroler's . Or they were to him at least.
He walked down the street faster with his ears still covered . He ran under a bridge and sat under the bridge staring at the what looked like moving ground.
"This is all so un real" He mumbled swaying slowly.
Derek shuffled down the stairs trying not to wake anyone.
"Where are you going?" Whispered a small voice behind him.
He turned around seeing Marti rub her eyes and look up at him. "I'm just going out Marti" He said running her hair threw his fingers.
"When are you coming back?" Marti asked still a little drowsy.
"I don't Smarti, but it'll be a while." Derek bent down and kissed her forehead. "See you Smarti."
"Smerek don't go!" Marti grabbed his hand.
"I'll be back Smarti don't worry." He said trying to be reassuring.
He slid his way out the door and got into his car driving away.
His stomach went hard remembering and he instantly sobered .
"Smarti.." Derek said to him self frowning. He looked down at his phone it was 11pm Christmas Eve. He could still make it home now. Everyone could wake up to him being there.
It had been over a year since he had left. Derek didn't exctially know why he left he had been high at the time . But he figured he should stay away before he hurt someone.. That he loved.
He started walking down the road, slipping his hands into his pockets shivering a tad.
It was cold and all he had on was his classic Derek leather jacket with a dark black hoodie underneath. Around his eyes were dark and his hair layed in its traditional way a little longer covering his eyes.
He pulled out a pack from his back pocket. Yes, Derek smoked. He did it to keep himself from doing drugs. Or at least that's what he told him self every time he did it.
He slipped one into his mouth lighting it with a small black lighter. Derek was far off from caring if he got caught smoking by the police. Derek was 17 years old and had much more things to worry about then being caught smoking.
The past year for his life had been by far the worst . He had seen 2 people die. Over dose of course. You'd think he would show emotion right now…but no. You'd think he'd been tramatised right now…no.
All of his emotions were stuck in. Until he really would go off then.. Everything would come out.
That night the time flew by quickly . All the walking Derek did felt like nothing. He walked for over 5 hours before arriving at his house. His old house.
He tried the front door.. Locked.. Obviously why wouldn't it be unlocked at 4 in the morning. He dug threw his pocket and picked up a dusty key. He slipped it in and switched it around causing it to open.
The lights were off. Everything seemed a lot like it did the year before. He was kind of shocked when he saw a tear struck girl sleeping soundly on the couch. It was the girl from the poster. It was his Casey. He walked over and sat on the floor watching her sleep.
A tear was in mid fall down her cheek. He wiped his finger softly across it wiping it off her face. He didn't do tears then.. He didn't do them now. He looked at his phone which read 4am. "Marry Christmas Casey." He whispered quietly not wanting to wake her.
He stood up about to walk away when he heard a very muffled . "Merry Christmas Derek." He turned around slowly , to see the girl still laying there sleeping.
He sighed quietly and walked up the stairs he opened his bed room door. Peaking in to see everything just like It was when he left.
He shut it silently and turned around and stared at Marti's door. His heart pounded he had missed his little sister so much. He loved her with all his heart.
His eyes fixed over to Casey's door. The swan lake poster still on the door. He smiled a little at it and went over to it opening it. Knowing perfectly well Casey wasn't in there. The room hadn't changed dramatically but it had changed some. The walls were a darker red instead of blue. Black curtains hanging instead of the white ones. He walked over to her bed sitting down on it. A slight squeak from the springs coming out of it.
Something shiny caught his eye in a drawer next to the bed. He opened the drawer. Inside was a shiny blood covered razor. His heart learched for the second time that night. He sat it to the side picking up a large a lot used journal.
On the front it read Casey McDonald in bold letters. He opened it skimming through the first entry. "I moved into a new house today with my moms new husbend and his family." He flipped the page as it showed pictures of his house and her room. He flipped a few pages more and it revealed a picture of her and Sam kissing. His eyes were scribbled out and on the side it read never again. In Casey's perfect hand writing.
He shuffled threw the entry's as the word Derek and hate seemed to pop out more. The more he read his name the more his heart raced. Every entry Derek was written about at least once.
He came to one that was closer to half threw the book and it read.
"I woke up today to find Derek gone. My worst enemy vanished in the night.. Where is he? Is he coming back?"He flipped some more pages and there was a picture of Derek and Casey hugging in a chair . Derek was kissing Casey's cheek. He had always done that to bug her.
"It's been three weeks since Derek has fell off the face of the earth. I really don't think he's coming back. .. Without him my whole life has been changing. I wear darker clothes. I've even cut myself.. Can you believe that. Me cutting myself.. Cause Derek's gone…I hate to say this.. But I really do miss Derek."Derek's stomach began to flip. The more he flipped the pages the darker and darker each entry became. The anger showed more and more.. Derek couldn't believe what he was reading but he knew it wasn't from Casey not his Casey.
He looked at her alarm clock that read 5am. He frowned down at the diary. He shut it and layed it back into the drawer he picked back up the razor with the fresh blood on it. He sat it back down in the drawer and stood up .
He shook his head slowly. He walked out of the room. He walked into his room and sat down at his dusty computer desk . On it was a textbook and a pencil.
He grabbed a small box and opened it reveling a small crack pipe . He rubbed his fingers over it. He shook his head again and closed it again and laid it down.
He sat in his room and rummaged through things for all most two hours. He looked up at his clock again and it read 7:26am. He stood up, and walked out of his room sliding down the stairs. Casey was still a sleep on the couch.
He bit down on his jaw and looked at her. He walked over to her slowly and pulled the long sleeve shirt she had on up a bit on her wrist. Afraid of what he would see. He turned it over and it reveled a very cut into wrist with the letter D on it.
He put the sleeve back down and pressed his lips together. He looked over at the tree with a sigh . He stood back up and walked over to it. On the tree was a small framed picture of Derek that read on the frame.. "Where are you?"
A silent tear ran down his face. He walked to the front door and closed it behind him. He would come back later… let them have there Christmas.
He grabbed the small white baggy out of his pocket and put it into the small pipe he had from earlier. He stood in an ally and lit it. Letting the drug go into his body.
He watch the whole world spin around him once again. He rocked back and forth as the snow started. He threw the pipe back into his pocket and walked out of the alley. Walking into a empty street staring at the car's coming.
He wanted to lay down in the street and end the pain flowing through his body. He wanted it all to go away right then and there.
The noises around him got louder and louder everything shook around him quicker and quicker.
He stumbled down the road and got into the side walk. Where was he going ? He didn't know. His mind racing , his heart bounding the whole world seeming to go someone when it was going no where.
Everything was so distorted. He smirked grabbing onto a wall breathing in the freezing air as the snow fell on him. "Thank you god!" He yelled up at the sky.
They're not out of their minds
They're not writing in a diary
And they're definitly not watching their holiday spirit
Coagulate in a spoon
I didn't speak to a single person today
I thought "Why ruin their fucking Christmas?"