NORMALCY IS…WANTED
SUMMARY: 1st in Normalcy Is Trilogy. When Carter comes back from rehab all he wants is normalcy but has trouble finding it. Now it's up to his mentor, Dr. Benton, to show him how to get it.
DISCLAIMER: ER is the property of…not me; I'm just borrowing the characters and promise to give them back none the worse for wear! :D
WARNING: Contains Corporal Punishment. For those new to my stories this means spankings! If it's not your thing, please leave!
WARNING 2: Contains a couple curse words! I apologize!
A/N: Ok, so this is my first attempt at an ER story. I'm not sure I like the way I portrayed Dr. Peter Benton but I hope you still like it!
OoOoOoOo
Restless…yup, that was the word that best described John Carter at the moment. He wanted to get up and move; to do something! But noo-oo, he wasn't allowed to move without some form of assistance.
"I do have two perfectly good feet if anybody cares," Carter mumbled to himself in a moment of self pity.
"And if you'd like to keep them, you'll only get up when there's someone around to assist you," A voice broke through the stillness of the room.
Carter jumped slightly and glared at the man, "The doctor's had me moving since yesterday. I have two perfectly good feet of my own, not to mention…"
"Carter," The voice was stern causing the younger man to cease immediately. "Unless you'd like to have to be stuck on that bed unable to sit, I suggest you calm down."
"You wouldn't," Carter asked dubiously.
Seeing the raised eyebrow of the other man, Carter slunk down on the bed silently. There were some things in life that you just didn't do…testing one, Dr. Peter Benton, after he gave a warning was one of them.
Benton gave a sigh before sitting down on the empty seat beside the hospital bed. "I didn't come to argue with you Carter."
"I was just saying…" Carter sulked; making sure his backside was firmly pressed against the bed.
"You've been walking around for less then a day and can barely stand up straight," The reply was cut short.
"The bathroom is only a few steps," The younger man interrupted, "If I need to, I can hold on to something while I walk."
"You're also on two antibiotics and a pain medication that are strong," Benton voice was calmer but his stare had an obvious warning, "As a doctor you should know the side effects of the medications."
"Which is why I know I'm ok," the younger man snapped back.
Realizing arguing wasn't going to get him anywhere Carter started to put the bed rail down, intent on getting up to use the bathroom. He didn't get far.
The moment his hand reached the lever that would drop the rail Benton reached out and smacked the offending hand…twice. Carter drew his hand back and tried to rub away the sting, shooting accusing eyes at the older man before him.
"I may not be able to pull you over my knee at the moment but don't think you're going to act up and get away with it." Peter Benton was livid. "You've just lost your privileges to get up unless ordered by a doctor."
"You can't!" John Carter's mouth dropped open in disbelief, "I have to go!"
With a shrug of his shoulders Benton left the room, coming back a few seconds later with a bed pan in hand. Placing it down he started to leave the room.
"I'm going to go and inform your nurse of your status. If you even think of causing trouble or getting out of bed alone, I will have them tie you down and when you are finally better I will deal with you," Benton gave the younger man a warning look and left.
It was five minutes before Carter realized that when he'd left Benton had taken the TV remote…the TV was off.
With nothing to do, and not about to use the bed pan, Carter laid back his mind flowing back to the time that had taken his innocence and the things that resulted. His subsequent addiction hadn't been fun and games. In fact the only positive thing that had come out of the whole ordeal had been his new closeness to the man who had just left…
OoOoOoOo
9 YEARS EALIER
John Carter stalked out of the ER when his shift was over. The job he once loved was now one he was starting too loath. In the course of his day, his mood had ranged from excited to be back to I'm never coming back.
He'd known that coming back would be hard; he hadn't counted on it being quite this hard. To make matters worse everyone was treating him with kid gloves and he didn't like it.
Yes, his med student had died, killed at the hands of a schizophrenic patient. Yes, he'd suffered an addiction that had caused him to have to go to rehab. Yes, he still had nightmares. Yes, he went through something that no should have to.
No, he didn't want special treatment. No, he didn't want pity. No, he wasn't going to give up.
He wanted his life back.
Carter gave a soft sigh, looking up at the building where he had once entered an innocent med student himself.
"Why can't it just go back to normal," he murmured to himself as he drove away from the building that had stolen what ever innocence he had.
OoOoOoOo
Peter Benton was on a mission and any who crossed his path was likely to get burned…which is why anyone who saw him fled.
The man marched to the front desk and glared at the nurses, "Where's Green?"
Nurse Chuny Marquez pointed while answering, "He's in the doctor's lounge."
Benton didn't respond as he stormed in the direction that was pointed. Behind him he didn't see Chuny and Nurse Haleh Adams glance at each other.
The doctor threw open the lounge door and glared at the man he was looking for.
"What can I do for you Dr. Benton?" Dr. Mark Greene asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Carter," It was one word answer and it was all that was needed.
"What more do you want from me Peter?" Greene asked tiredly. "I already gave him a break by letting him walk away. What more do you want?"
Benton let out a low growl, "That's my point! Stop treating him with kid gloves. He doesn't need it; he needs to get back to normal and he can't do that with you and Weaver running interference for him all the time."
Greene could only stare in shock at the other man. He'd been expecting to hear about how Carter needed more time or how Carter needed to be treated differently. What he was hearing now was not what he thought he'd hear.
"So…what do you want from me?" Greene asked, this time in confusion.
"I want you to treat him the same as you always did," Came the answer with a hint of disgust. "You never would have let him get away with yelling at a nurse the way he did today. He needs someone to step up and say no; to reset the boundaries that he broke freely before."
"Then why don't you?" The question was said with a hint of smugness.
The question stopped the surgeon in his tracks, "What?"
This time it was Greene's turn to let his anger show, "He refuses to listen to me and Keri. If we were treat him like everyone else he would have been fired by now and trust me, I would make damn sure he didn't find a job anywhere this side of the US let alone in Chicago. He listens when you're around because only he knows why. He obviously looks up to you so why don't you take him at hand."
"I'm not his supervisor." Benton replied instantly.
"Once a teacher always a teacher," Greene quoted looking pointedly at the man. "Isn't that what you quoted me when an old student came to me a few years ago?"
Benton rolled his eyes, "He's your responsibility. He needs someone."
With that he started for the door. Greene's words barely reached his ears, "But he chooses you." Benton stopped and looked back while Greene finished quickly. "He opened up to you about his problem. He wanted you to go with him when he admitted himself. He called you when he was scared and wanted to come home. He called you when he went through the worse part of the withdrawal. He called you to pick him up from the hospital. He called you after his first death when he came back. He chose you Peter. You handle him."
"He wants normalcy," Benton spat back, "Give it to him before he falls apart because if there's a next time no one will be able to fix him."
Benton left his anger only slightly relieved.
In the doctor's lounge Greene was shaking his head and muttering to himself, "Why don't you give him normal?"
OoOoOoOo
Carter shook his head and squirmed in his seat, bringing himself back to the present. He really had to go now. He pushed the call button and waited for a nurse to come in.
"Can I help you Dr. Carter?" The nurse asked, a wary expression on her face.
"Can you help me to the bathroom?" The patient did his best not to flush with embarrassment.
"Sorry sir, I was told you're restricted to bed until your walk time. I can get you a bed pan," The nurse looked apologetic.
"I have one," Carter grumbled, "Can you turn on the TV?"
The nurse seemed to wince, "How about I find you a book? I'll go look and bring it back when I collect the bed pan?"
Carter gave a wave of his hand in dismissal. He couldn't believe eight years after he'd left, Benton still had control over him…then again…yes he could.
It only took a minute for the man to relieve himself, setting the bed pan on the edge of the bed. The nurse came back five minutes later and, without a word, left a book while taking the bed pan.
Pulling the book up to read, Carter found himself unable to concentrate on the story in hand. His mind kept thinking back to the time when Benton had first made a similar threat…if only he'd listened to it…
OoOoOoOo
The insistent beeping of the pager caused the owner to groan. He was tired and wanted to go home. He'd just been in his fifth emergency surgery in one shift, not to mention he'd spent several hours in the ER, debating which patients would be taken upstairs and then getting them as ready as possible.
With a couple hours still left in his shift he knew he had no choice. He picked up the nearest phone and dialed the number that flashed, "Benton."
"It's your chance," The voice on the other end greeted him.
Benton narrowed his eyes in concentration, "Mark?"
"Peter," Dr. Greene couldn't help but chuckle. He turned serious, "Carter's going at it again. Keri walked away and I'm following; just thought you'd like to know."
The other man wasn't given a chance to say anything as Greene hung up the phone. He really didn't want to see Carter in trouble but he, like Benton, knew that if Carter wasn't stopped he would soon break and no one would be able to save him.
OoOoOoOo
John Carter was trying his best to calm himself but nothing was working. He wasn't even sure what had set him off. In fact, he felt like he was watching himself, hurling ugly words at a nurse who was only in her first week at County.
He could only wince internally at the words he was currently saying, "..and if you think for one second, you idiotic, moronic, incompetent excuse for a nurse, that…"
He rant was interrupted by a stern, "Dr. Carter."
There was a look of relief that flash in the younger doctor's eyes that caused Benton to sigh. "What is going on down here? I can hear you yelling all the way upstairs."
"I apologize Dr. Benton," Carter replied, his voice holding respect that no one had heard in awhile, "it seems to be getting harder and harder to find good nurses these days."
Nurse Haleh's sharp intake of breath was her only show that she's not happy with the doctor's words. The poor young nurse was trying her hardest not to cry.
Benton was seething, "If you're having trouble with a nurse Carter, you take her aside and explain what she did wrong. If that fails you go to the head nurse; short of doing that you find an experienced nurse to try and help you. You do not treat them with disrespect. Do I make myself clear?"
Carter raised an eyebrow in disbelief, "This coming from the man who has made more then five nurses cry."
It was the only comment the younger man was able to make as he suddenly found himself being shoved into an empty room. The blinds on the window and door shut.
The only words Benton spoke were those directed at Haleh to take care of the other woman. With the blinds shut the older man turned on the younger.
"You listen to me Carter," Benton's voice was stern and slightly strained; "You are on thin ice. You're behavior is not going to be tolerated anymore. You won't listen to Dr. Greene or Dr. Weaver, fine; you will listen to me. You are going to apologize to the nurse and then you are coming to the surgery ward with me. Your shift is over."
"I still have an hour," Carter protested.
"And you'll finish it with me," Benton reiterated.
"You know Keri will never let me just leave," It was becoming obvious that the younger doctor was grasping at straws.
"I will talk to Weaver myself; either way you'll finish the hour with me," The reply was quick and left no room for argument or at least he thought.
"Screw you," The younger doctor was furious.
"Excuse me?" The tone of voice would have stopped anyone…almost.
"I said screw you," Carter drew himself to his fullest height but still he was shorter then the doctor before him, "You can't tell me what to do. You have NO right!"
With every word that came out of the shorter doctor's mouth the taller has taken a step closer forcing the shorter to take a step back. They had walked about half the room.
Benton didn't stop moving, "No right? Who flew with you to rehab? Who did you call when you were going through withdraw? Who picked you up from the airport? Who picked up from a BAR when you got drunk after your first week back?"
"Yeah well, I'm sorry," Carter tried to side step his mentor but wasn't successful, "I'll leave you alone."
"Shut up Carter," The response was all but growled.
Carter found himself, literally, with his back against a wall. There was no where for him to go and nothing left for him to do. He was stuck listening to the older doctor.
"I'm sick and tired of hearing you're bitching and moaning. It stops now," Benton let his anger show, "You are going to do what I say for the rest of the night. You will be the picture of respect, in fact, you will keep your mouth shut or I will tape it that way; we clear?"
"You wouldn't," the younger man challenged.
"Try me," the older man warned, "You are going to apologize to the nurse you made cry, and then you are coming upstairs with me. You will follow me on my rounds until your shift is over and then you will sit your ass down and stay there until I'm done. Let's go."
John Carter let himself be led out. His apology was quick and insincere but it was more then anyone else had been able to get out of him.
Benton shot him a look that clearly said he wasn't impressed but the man didn't press the issue as he led the way to where Weaver and Greene were standing.
Greene had already talked to his female counterpart about allowing Benton to handle the young doctor they were having trouble with.
Though she hadn't given an answer to him, he wasn't surprised when she readily agreed to allow Carter to go up to the surgery floor with his former teacher.
Greene didn't flinch when Benton glared at him but he did manage two words at the two the were walking away, "Good luck."
Who he was talking to was unclear. What wasn't unclear was that both would need all the luck they could get.
OoOoOoOo
Dr. John Carter was not…well…he wasn't happy and he wasn't sure what was going on. The fact that Dr. Keri Weaver didn't need to be persuaded to let him leave the ER when he still had time in his shift was…unheard of.
It was also unnerving. Had he really become the type of doctor that other doctors were glad to get rid of? When had that happened? Was he really so out of control that Benton felt he had the right to just take control of his life? Looking over his shoulder and seeing the scowl on his former teacher's face the answer was obvious….yes he was.
The hardest part was, he didn't know what to do about it. Another peak over his shoulder let him know that while he may be lost to himself, Benton know what to do. It was with that though that Carter told promised himself to do what ever he was told. He wanted normalcy more then anything else…if only he'd known the price.
OoOoOoOo
"Yo, Dr. C, you ready to get up and out?" The young physical therapist that had helped Carter yesterday entered the room loudly.
Carter startled, coming out of his thoughts with a jump, "Gonna give me heart attack Johnny."
"Sorry about that doc," The younger man smiled, "I heard you pissed off Big B and got grounded to your bed for the day; thought you might want to get out early?"
Carter blushed and shook his head, but said nothing. He'd met the young therapist yesterday when the man had waltzed into his room and declared that due to a nursing shortage he, Carter, had the honor of having his professional expertise.
"What say you doc?" Johnny smiled brightly, "Ready to boogie?"
"How about I leave the boogieing to you," The reply was said with a smile.
"Can't dance alone doc, you should know that," Johnny took down the bed railing and helped the doctor get his feet over the edge of the bed. "By the end of the week, you're gonna be able to boogie to the cafeteria by yourself."
"I thought you said you can't boogie alone," Carter shot back, taking a deep breath to keep from crying out as the incision site pulled as he tried to stand straight.
"Keep breathing," Johnny coached, "I said I couldn't boogie alone…deep breathes doctor C or you're gonna pass out. Let's get to the end of the hall today, huh?"
By the time they two got a quarter ways down the hall, Carter knew just how right Benton had been. The walk they were on was only the third time he'd been out of bed…it was the first time he'd been out of his room.
OoOoOoOo
It was almost a half hour later when Johnny got Carter back to his room. The doctor was exhausted but it was nothing, Johnny assured him, a good nap wouldn't cure.
"I'll be back a little later Doctor C," Johnny started his goodbyes.
"Or tomorrow," A voice broke through startling both younger men.
"Dr. Benton," Johnny gave a small nod, "There's no fever, sir. He's flushed and tired but I think a nap will cure all; besides, most patients would be up and down the hall twice by now."
"Let's see how he is after his nap then," Benton half smirked, "We wouldn't want him to get sick too soon."
"What is with you two talking about me like I'm not here?" Carter could no longer keep silent.
Johnny let out a laugh as he gave a wave and left the two doctors alone.
Benton shook his head and, without saying a word, took out a thermometer and put it in the younger doctor's mouth. The fact that taking a patients temp was normally a nurse's job wasn't thought of. It was a routine that both of them had gotten used to years before.
When the thermometer beeped Benton was glad to see that there was no sign of a fever. Johnny had been right when he said that most patients would have been up more. However, most patients didn't break into a high fever after their surgery which was why the younger man was on not one, but two antibiotics.
"Well?" Carter was doing his best not to be irritated.
"No fever," Came the quick reply. "If you take a nap, I'll let Johnny come up and get you out of bed again."
"I'm not tired," The words were said with a definite whine.
"Need some help?" An eyebrow raised.
"Already asleep," Carter slunk down in bed still not ready to challenge the man who had come into his life once more.
Benton pulled the covers up to the younger man's chin and tousled his hair, "I'll be back to check on you later."
Carter nodded in answer, allowing sleep to over take him. He was only partially aware of the older man leaving, shutting the door gently behind him. As he fell into a deep sleep his mind went back to the night that forever cemented him and Peter Benton into a big brother – little brother relationship; one that surpassed even that of a mentorship, sometimes even taking on a father – son relationship.
OoOoOoOo
The ride from the hospital to…well, Carter wasn't sure where he was being taken at the moment, was tense. Peter Benton was beyond livid as he drove, his hands gripping the steering wheel tightly and his jaw clenched.
Though he would never admit it, Benton had been scared when he went to get the younger man and found that he was no where in sight. He'd spent a frantic hour looking for the wayward younger doctor.
He'd gone to the ER and found a group of doctors and nurses standing by the front desk. There was no second thought as he asked if anyone had "seen Carter?" He could still remember Greene's disbelieving, "You lost him?"
"I didn't lose him Mark," He'd growled back, "He left while I was dealing with a patient. Have you seen him or not?"
Greene could only shake his head in the negative. Benton stalked away, prowling the halls of the different hospital floors. The only thing that gave his position away was the terse 'Carter' that was omitted every few feet. It was no name nurse who had directed him to the roof top.
Carter could only watch with wide eyes as the older doctor had stalked up to him, spun him around, and landed a flurry of swats to his backside. No sounds came out of his lips as he was too in shock. By the time he could protest, he was being dragged from the roof to Benton's car and told to be quiet.
Though John Carter may have been a lot of things, suicidal wasn't one of them. He got meekly into the vehicle and put his seat belt on, shifting only slightly in his seat. He could feel the tension and, dare he say it, fear emitting from the older man.
OoOoOoOo
"Let's go Carter," Benton's words weren't as harsh as they could have been, surprising the younger man.
Carter was silent until Benton ushered him into the living room, "I should…go home…I have to work…no clothes to…I mean…I…"
Cater finally got quiet again as he realized he was blabbering. He didn't even know the reason he was at Benton's to begin with. For all he knew the man wanted to yell at him some more or tell him not to bother him again…or…oh no! Carter's mind reeled off the worst possibility for himself, maybe Weaver and Greene were letting Benton fire him.
Before he could get overly worked the older man spoke, "Easy Carter. We're going to talk, but first you need a shower. It's been a long day for both of us."
It wasn't exactly what Benton had in mind for when they got to his house, but seeing how worked up the younger man was getting, he wanted to try and ease some of the tension in the room.
He led the way to the bathroom, "Hop into the shower, I'll lay a towel and some clothes out for you."
"I…tomorrow…" Carter's voice trialed off as he was pushed gently into the bathroom.
"If I can't find something for you to borrow, we'll do a load of laundry and you can re-wear what you have on," Benton shut the door all but an inch to give his former student some privacy.
As the water started he gave a look through his drawers and sighed. He was bigger then Carter would ever be and he had nothing that would fit him; at least not without falling off. Finally after several minutes of debating he chose a pair of running shorts that had a draw string on them and a v-neck undershirt. He placed the items, along with the promised towel on the sink in the bathroom and then went to cook a light, late dinner.
It took almost a full thirty minutes before Carter entered the kitchen, shorts hanging to his ankles, and shirt down to his knees. He looked up at his mentor with a frown, "Their kinda big."
"Smallest I had," Was the apology. "Let's eat so we can talk."
Dinner consisted of some beef stew, that Benton had made that morning before work, and some rolls. Both men finished off three bowls of the stew and some canned fruit for dessert before heading to the living room to talk.
"What's going on John?" The question was asked with a hint of worry.
"I don't know what you're talking about," The answer was an obvious lie.
"I'm not an idiot Carter," Eyes flashed, "Screaming at nurses? That's not you; that's never been you."
"County is desperate for help these days," The voice was cold…so unlike the Carter that had, and did, wear his heart on his sleeves.
"Carter," The name rolled out in a harsh, stern tone, "What's going on?"
Carter's eyes flashed, "What does it matter to you?"
"Excuse me?" The surgeon was once again shocked by the younger doctor's words.
"No," Carter got up and headed straight for the door, "It's not your life, it's mine. I told you before, stay out!"
"Not gonna happen John," Benton stopped him from leaving. "I don't know what's going on with you but you are going to tell me."
"Why?" Carter turned, his eyes hard, "Because you said so? Guess what Peter, that's not an answer."
Carter tried to free his arm but Benton refused to let go, "What's going on Carter?"
"What does it matter to you?" The question came again.
"It matters because if you don't shape up, you're going to get fired! I invested time in you Carter; I'm not going to let that go to waste." Benton's grip got tighter. It wasn't the answer he wanted to give because it wasn't the complete truth. It was, however, the only answer he was willing to give at the moment. The older man released his hold, "I'm going to take a shower while you think of an answer. When I come out, you'll have an answer and an apology ready for the nurse you made cry or what you felt on the rooftop will seem like nothing."
Benton didn't give the younger man time to reply before he strode out of the room. He wasn't sure if the deciding factor was, but Carter decided it was time for him to leave. Sadly for him, he didn't get far.
Before he knew what was happening he was being dragged back into the bathroom. This time though, he was pushed into the corner behind the door.
Benton was livid, "Since I can't trust you to wait in the living room, you're just going to have to stand here until I'm done."
"You can't be serious?" Carter asked incredulously.
"I am," Benton reassured him, "If I see you turn around you are going to find yourself suspended from work. I suggest you think about an answer to my question while you're here too."
Though he wasn't a hundred percent sure that Peter Benton had that kind of pull, John Carter was not about to test it. He stood, facing the corner, for the twenty minutes it took the older man to shower and dress.
Peter Benton had no idea what to do or how to do it. His normal persona was that of a confident, if not sometimes overly so, surgeon. He had to be. If one didn't have enough confidence in their skills they could lose a patient in seconds.
Tonight though, he wasn't a surgeon. He wasn't even a doctor. No, tonight, he was a former teacher, with a former student in trouble. Tonight he was a big brother who had a little brother looking to him for guidance. Tonight he needed to make an impression and teach the younger man before him how to reach normalcy once again.
OoOoOoOo
Benton led the way into the living room, sitting the younger man down on the couch while sitting on the coffee table across from him. It wasn't the most comfortable place to sit but at least he'd be able to look the other man in the eyes.
"I'm waiting Carter," Benton raised an eyebrow.
"For what," Carter asked as innocently as possible.
"Don't play games with me," The surgeon warned, "What's going on with you?"
"There's nothing going on," The young doctor was being stubborn.
"Carter," The voice held warning.
"Just because you think there's something wrong," Carter bit out, "doesn't mean there actually is."
"If that's how you feel," Benton sat beside the younger man, and with no other words, pulled him over his lap.
"What the HELL!" Carter flailed.
"This is how it's going to work: I'm going to ask you some questions. You are going to answer me truthfully. Every time you lie or refuse to answer, this," Four swats rained down on the upturned backside, "is what's going to happen. Do you understand?"
"No!" Carter flailed about once again, "What does it matter to you? I would be out of here already if you'd just let me go!"
"Not gonna happen," Benton replied instantly, "As for what does it matter to me? I think we've been through that before."
"I'm not some project," The words came out with a hint of hurt, "It doesn't matter if I lose my job!"
"It matters to me," Benton corrected.
"Why?" Carter stilled, needing an answer to his question.
"Because it matters to you," Benton closed his eyes. He was not one to feel the need to get sentimental. He could tell, though, that the younger man needed a straight answer and for once he was willing to give it. "It matters because you matter."
"No I don't," The younger doctor argued, "No one cares about me."
Benton corrected him once again, "It…You matter to me. This is going to happen whether you like it or not John. I'm going to ask some questions and you are going to answer them. If you don't, there will be a penalty to pay. Do you understand?"
While he counted to ten in his head, Benton had one hand on Carter's lower back and the other on his legs. When he got to ten, he raised the hand that had been resting on the leg.
With that movement Carter hurried out, "Got it."
"Good," Benton tapped Carter's leg, affectionately, "Let's start with a couple easy questions. You're finding it harder to come back then you thought, aren't you?"
Not really wanting to play the game but knowing he had no other choice Carter answered, "Yes."
"You don't like that everyone's treating you differently?" The game continued, another affectionate pat was landed on Carter's leg.
"I hate it," The bitter answer came without need of a threat.
"I know," The reply was quiet and barely reached the younger man's ears. Benton continued, this time with a much harder question, "What's going on with you John?"
Carter's mouth opened and shut but no words came out. He couldn't answer…he didn't know if he knew himself. Unfortunately his silence wasn't accepted. Four hard swats rained down on his backside causing him to yelp.
Benton repeated, "What's going on with you John?"
Again silence met the question. Benton gave a soft sigh. He didn't want to seem like a bastard by harping on the one question but he needed Carter to talk it out. More importantly, Carter needed to talk it out for himself.
"Tell me when you're ready," Was the only clue given that the older man wasn't going to stop at the promised four swats.
"You may not want to talk Carter," *SWAT, SWAT* "but you need to." *SWAT, SWAT* "The more you don't," *SWAT, SWAT* "the more you let your feelings," *SWAT, SWAT* "get the better of you." *SWAT, SWAT* "I will not," *SWAT, SWAT* "let you self destruct." *SWAT, SWAT* "You mean too much to me" *SWAT, SWAT* "and everyone else at County." *SWAT, SWAT* "Your behavior is going to stop, or this," *SWAT, SWAT* "will be a regular occurrence." *SWAT, SWAT* "You let me know," *SWAT, SWAT* "when you're ready to tell me," *SWAT, SWAT* "what's going on." *SWAT, SWAT*
"I don't know!" The answer came as a hitched sob, "I don't know what's wrong with me."
Benton stopped and sat Carter up gently. "I got you Carter."
Carter leaned into his mentor and cried, "I d-don't un-understand…"
"What do you feel?" The question was quiet, as if the answer was already known.
"Angry," There was no hesitation in the reply, "Scared, alone."
"At what?" The surgeon prodded, "What are you scared of? Who are you angry at? Why…come on John…why alone?"
"She's dead!" John shouted, "She's dead because I was too caught up in my own life to care. I was too weak to get help! She's dead because of me and everyone knows it! They treat me like a plague and I don't blame them!"
Benton was shocked silent for a moment, "Listen to me…no, listen to me Carter! You did nothing wrong. Lucy died because a sick man killed her. It was not your fault. Greene and Weaver don't blame you. They're not afraid of you but for you."
Carter shook his head, his sobs increasing, "Let me go…p-please l-let me g-go."
"Not gonna happen," Benton gave the smaller man a shake, "You're not alone; you're stuck with me Carter. I do not blame you for what happened to Lucy. I do not blame you for being angry. I do not blame you for being scared. Do you hear me?"
Carter nodded and found himself being pulled into the older man's embrace. He cried, for the first time in a long while. The last time he'd broken down this bad was when he admitted to Benton that he was addicted to pain meds.
He whispered through his tears, "I'm scared all the time."
"I know," Benton's voice was filled with emotion. He whispered back, "I'll take care of you."
When at last Carter's tears subsided he gave the man a shy look, "Sorry."
"The only thing you have to apologize for is your behavior at work," The reproachful answer came with a reproachful look.
Carter looked down at his hands. He couldn't believe what he'd gotten away with…then again…as the pain in his backside made itself known he squirmed…maybe he hadn't gotten away with it after all.
"I'll apologize to her," He promised.
"Let's get some sleep," Benton led him to a cot in his room. Where it came from and when it had been set up, Carter didn't know; he was simply grateful not to be left alone all night. "And Carter, if you act like that again, what you got will seem like nothing."
"Yes, sir," Carter blushed as he lay on his stomach. He was asleep in minutes.
OoOoOoOo
"Keep thinking that hard and your brain is going to explode," A voice cut through.
Carter jumped and put a hand over his heart, "Thanks Peter; always wanted to have a heart attack."
"At least you're in a hospital," Benton smiled.
"Speaking of which…" The younger man started before he was stopped.
"You're staying until your doctor sees fit to let you go," The answer was tossed out casually but Carter wasn't fooled.
"He'd let me go if it weren't for…" Carter smiled as he looked at the older man innocently.
"Be a good boy and I'll think about it," Benton smirked as the younger man blushed.
"Can I get out of bed now?" The question was half irritated and half begging.
"Johnny's coming to help you walk to the cafeteria," Benton agreed. "Reese and Cleo are going to meet us. I told Reese he could have any dessert he wanted if you two finished your plates." Benton started to walk out of the room. As he did, Johnny entered with a bright hello. Peter Benton threw over his shoulder to Johnny, "You better not take too long. Surgery or not, Reese will have no problems taking his big brother down."
John Carter smiled. The older man may have been speaking to the young therapist but it was a message to him. His smile got wider when he finally made it down to the cafeteria and found the three waiting for him. Sitting there, across from Reese, with Benton and Cleo at the foot and head of the table, he felt like family.
His smile didn't even falter with his 'big brother's' warning, "Don't think you're not taking any pain meds tonight."
One battle at a time….
THE END!