Summary: Gilderoy flounces, Severus winces, 'nuff said. XP
Disclaimer: All characters are J.K. Rowlings, yadda yadda. Also, no harm is meant to homosexuals, despite what certain characters may or may not feel. This is just for a laugh.
Author's Notes: This was once going to be part of a three or four-part deal, so there's more to this, but I got sort of tired of the style and ended up never finishing it, so now it's just a one-shot fic that I hope you'll all enjoy anyway. I may add more if inspiration hits. Don't hold your breath. ;)
Merlin only knows what Albus Dumbledore was thinking when he hired the five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award to teach within his otherwise superior establishment during the 1992-93 school year. Perhaps there really hadn't been any better candidates for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position (which is very hard to believe indeed), or maybe he merely wanted to prove, once and for all, how easily the wizarding world is fooled by the magical media (which failed miserably, as future events would prove). Whatever his reasoning, come the first day of school in the dreary, overcast month of September a single golden drop of sunshine could be found shining about the highland grounds of Hogwarts.
That gleaming ray of light was embodied within the beaming teeth and honey-colored tresses of none other than Gilderoy Lockhart, one of the most famous wizards in all of Britain, except for Harry Potter of course. If his radiant smile and perfectly groomed golden locks weren't enough to illuminate the aged stone hallways of the castle, Lockhart's vibrant, wand-tailored robes would certainly do the trick. Even during the bleakest, grayest days of late summer, the good teacher's wardrobe proved a veritable garden of florid hues, of which the many Hogwarts ghosts were envious to the point of transparency. The very heels of Lockhart's expensive dragon-hide shoes made a merry click as he strode about the school with a jaunty bounce to his step and to his hair.
It was the sound of these jovial approaching footsteps that sent one other Hogwarts professor dashing for the nearest doorway as Lockhart the Lovely made his way through the castle hallways one gloomy afternoon. The black-clad professor wrapped his grubby potion-stained fingers around the brass doorknob and thrust himself hurriedly inside, slamming the door shut with a malevolent snap as pressed his back against it. He turned his shoulder to the door and pressed his dark-mopped head to the door, coating the wood with a new layer of sheen. He stayed in this position for a few tense moments, until finally he decided he could no longer hear the irritatingly buoyant man approaching and heaved a relieved exhale. Thank you Salazar for needing so many wardrobes! thought Severus Snape for not the first time since Glorious Gilderoy had arrived.
When Dumbledore had gone through the selection process for the new DADA teacher, it seemed that he must have turned down one extreme of the personality spectrum for another. Where Gilderoy Lockhart had gleaming curls, Severus Snape's hair shone for very different reasons, and Lockhart's charming smile would have wilted had it seen Snape's, which makes it very lucky indeed that the potions master engaged in the action so rarely. Gilderoy loved his robes to be bright and boisterous, to match his painfully glowing hair and lustrous eyes, where as Snape seldom ever changed out of his plain black robes, and his hair and eyes were of the darkest shade imaginable. As if to complete the contrast, the behavior of these two individuals were like summer and winter, with one being warm, charming, and very popular while the other was cold, rude, and decidedly unpopular. It was no wonder, then, that Gilderoy Lockhart actually thought very well of Severus Snape while his object did everything within his power to avoid his colleague at any and all costs.
No sooner had the potions professor let down his guard within the cramped wardrobe than he began to hear another noise wafting through the air. It was quiet at first, so that he could not make it out, but before long the wispy scrapes began to take form into a voice, words, and a bouncy melody. He strained to hear it better...
"If you're Hugh
And you don't know
Who to go to
I know a boy
You will enjoy
ba!
Go to Gilderoy!"
The potions master shuddered involuntarily as he listened for the noise to move on down the hallway, but to his unadulterated terror it sounded as if the sound were getting ever nearer, as if it were only inches away, as if it were… inside of the room! He glanced up and saw the frighteningly vivid color of baby blue waltzing straight towards him from the shadows. His eyes became so wide they might have popped right out of his head and he bit back a scream as his hand groped for the door handle. At long last he found it, and let himself out of the room in nearly the same fashion he had entered it, slamming the door behind him and placing both hands upon it as if to brace it against emitting the horror within. He didn't know how or why the blasted man had been in the wardrobe when he had only moments before been certain of hearing his annoyingly chipper footfalls ascending the staircase nearby. Or perhaps it had been McGonagall still gloating over yet again having saved the Potter boy from certain expulsion."Severus! Fancy meeting you here!"
Oh…bloody…hell. Gilderoy Lockhart had somehow conjured up the magical talent to multiply himself and was now taking over the school! He had to warn someone – he had to inform Dumbledore. There was only one thought in his mind - I CANNOT LIVE IN A WORLD RUN BY LILAC LOCKHART!!
Severus drew his wand with the speed of lightning and pointed it straight at Lockhart's over-publicized face. "How are you doing it? How have you managed to be in two places at once?"
Gilderoy merely threw his hands up and stared at the tip of Severus's wand with an expression of anxiety. He tried to speak, but his voice cracked, so he cleared his throat and began again. "Why, whatever do you mean, Severus?"
"You!" Snape replied, his eyes looking wild and frantic as he jabbed his wand at Lockhart. "You were inside that wardrobe not even two seconds ago. How did you do it?!"
Gilderoy merely stared at Severus Snape as if he had suddenly gone insane (perhaps a bit saddened by the realization that his future play toy might be damaged goods). "But-but, I was out here, Severus. I was talking to Minerva only moments ago, right over there." He moved his right hand to point over his left shoulder, his eyes never leaving Severus's face.
"Oh," Severus said, with a mixture of relief and disappointment that he wouldn't be able to clobber Gilderoy or even his clone. Lockhart relaxed as Snape did, straightening his collar as if his clothing had been disturbed by his lack of action. Snape gave a very slight shrug. "Must have been a bogart," he finally suggested by way of explanation.
"Ah! Should have let me handle it; I'm an expert with the little creatures!" Gilderoy responded without missing a beat, oblivious to the insult.
"Well then, I leave you to get rid of it," Snape replied easily, stepping around Lockhart in an attempt to escape before he could think of something else to say.
"Consider it done, ol' boy!" Gilderoy replied, and then he committed an act that was just brave enough, or stupid enough, to get him a guaranteed honorary placement in Gryffindor had the Sorting Hat been witness to it. Without the slightest bit of bashfulness, Lockhart reached over as Severus passed and pat him chummily on the shoulder. Severus was so utterly confounded by the touch and stiffened so quickly that he fumbled as he was putting his wand back into his pocket and it tumbled out on the floor.
"Oh, allow me!" Gilderoy said, hopping to the task of retrieving the instrument with a disturbing fervor. He knelt down while Snape stood still fuming over the invasion of his bubble and scrabbled about for the wand, glancing up once to see if his companion was watching his nervous inability to grasp the stick firmly. Then his eyes were drawn almost unwillingly downwards (almost being the operative word), and he shot a very blatant look to a very discreet part of Snape's anatomy. Snape's eyes buggered out as Gilderoy finally stood up and held out the potions master's wand in his own by now shaking hand.
He swallowed. "There you are," he said with a lesser version of his famous smile.
Severus gritted his teeth, and snatched the wand away forcibly.
"No need to thank me," Gilderoy began, laughing breathily as he bounced up a little on the balls of his feet in his excitement. "It is always my pleasure to, uh," Gilderoy floundered for the word, "To, to hand your wand- er, that is, to, uh, to give a wand back to you, Severus." Gilderoy seemed to be hyperventilating with the effort to get through the sentence, and without delay he readily changed the subject. "Well! Better get to that bogart then!" he said, but his voice was too high-pitched to be normal. He tilted his head roguishly as if he were making some grand joke. Snape merely stared at him for a moment with a blank look on his face before turning without speaking and walking towards the end of the hallway.
"Don't you worry about a thing! I'll handle the wardrobe!" Gilderoy called out after Snape, as if that would somehow help things. As Snape rounded the corner Gilderoy tiptoed in the opposite direction of the wardrobe, twisting one last time to look to see if Snape were watching, then quietly opened the door to his classroom and slipped inside. As he gritted his teeth at the annoying voice calling after him, Snape thought despondently of Gilderoy's ungentlemanly glance. He glanced sullenly at a portrait of pixies who were snickering loudly behind their hands.
"Oh sod off!" he told them crossly and trotted quickly down the remainder of the stairs. Bloody fairies.