Advance Wars: Unscripted

by Sanity's Epitaph

No longer with the old summary! Brand new!rnrnFollow the adventures of the Orange Star COs as they battle (more or less) through Wars World! And meet many people, just as stupid as everyone else. Except for Sonja. She's the only smart one. I'm ranting, ar

1. Default Chapter

Advance Wars: Unscripted

Disclaimer: I do not own Advance Wars. I do not own Home shopping channel. I do not take purple pills. I do not own Santa Claus. I do not own the Teletubbies. I do not own Looney Toons. I do not own anvils. I do not own bush, but, as a Canadian, I can reserve the right to point and laugh Does so. I do not own Animal Crossing. I do not own South Park. I DO own my creative spirit. I do not own Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. I do not own Starcraft. I do not own Family Guy.

Disclaimer: Disclaimers can be bad for your health.

Disclaimer: I Disclaim Disclaimers so the Disclaimer Corporation can't nail me! Bwa ha ha!

Joe: Before I Begin, This is what advance wars would be like if the characters were not following scripts. I got this Knowledge of what they are really like after piecing it together with sugar packets. It doesn't make any sense, I know, but just hear me out!

Advance Wars: Unscripted, Chapter 1: It's Christma- I mean War!

Nell: "Joe! Andy! Do you read me?"

Joe: "I read you alright!" Growls

Andy: "Um, hi, Home Shopping channel? I Want the Set of Gold-plated wrenches."

Nell: "oo" "It's me, Nell. Stop using Expensive Military Technology to order from home shopping channel."

Andy: "Okay. Me Go shoot stuff now." Picks up a banana

Nell: "0o" "Ookaaay… Joe, give him his medication."

Joe: "Yes Ma'am!" Smirks

Andy: "Yay! Purple Pills!" Takes pills "Wrenchs!"

Olaf: "Yes! Some tiny punk CO is my opponent! Happy days are here again! I Laugh at you." Laughs "See?"

Joe: "Shove a rifle up your ass!"

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

Joe: "Even Better!"

Olaf: "Aagh! The agony! Those were very mean things to say! I'll get you for that!" Sends Troops and puts on naughty list

Joe: Evil Voice "You think to challenge ME!?" Laugh Like Evil Maniac

Olaf: "Man that's scary!" Hides eyes with Sleigh Pillow "EEEWWW!!! Smells like hemorrhoids!"

Joe: "0o" "…Yuck…"

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

You: "::" "Oh dear god…"

Olaf: "That smell was bad! I'll blow it out of my nostrils!" "Let the winds of war bring snow!" "Now the smell is gone, and you're cold!"

Joe: "Ha! Sucker! I have a furnace!" Point and laugh

Olaf: "Crap…"

Andy: "Wrenchs!" Breaks Furnace

Joe: "Whatever, Time to end this. Since I'm the writer I'll write in that you are vanquished in an imaginative way." Starts Writing

Olaf: "Hey, that's not fair! You are outnumbered, outgunned, and your furnace has broken down. Surrender! Do it so I can shoot you, you, you, Evil Guy! I mean, sure I'm evil, but you make the death squad look like the Teletubbies!"

Joe: "Thank you. Anyways, I'll steal Andy's CO power Meter, and use it to power corny Looney toons gags!" Laugh Maniacally

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

Olaf: "0o" "Woot?"

Joe: sigh "It'll be easier to show you." Raise Arm triumphantly into air

"Let the Anvils Fall from the Sky!"

anvils fall from rain clouds and kill all of Olaf's Troops

Joe: "Splat! Ha! Try to invade a sovereign nation, huh? Bush got away with it, but he had a valid reason! Sort of. Well, okay, you both want oil, but screw you!"

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

Olaf: "What the HELL!? That was SO Immature! And Impossible."

Joe: "Thanks. But you're one to talk! You have midget slave labor! But they don't work as cheap as Undead." Laugh Even Eviler

Olaf: "You're So mean! You're so evil, you make that Tom Nook look like an adorable animal!"

Joe: 0o

Inu yasha: ''

Kagome: 00

Cartman:

Kenny: "Mmhp! Mhm mhhphm mhmn mhpm! (Aagh! You're so stupid!)"

Chef: "Children! You get back to your own show right now!"

Kenny, Cartman, Kyle and Stan: "Ok chef."

Kenny: "Mphm! Mm Mh! (Help! My Head) Gets head stuck in closing portal Is Severed

Stan: "Oh my god, you killed Kenny!"

Kyle: "You bas-portal Fully closes

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

Tom Nook: "." "I am."

Joe: "Crap! How did they get here!?"

Joe's creative spirit: "Me. I brought them here, you ass! You getting all the credit, and I get squat!"

Joe: "You DO get credit! You're me, so I'm you, so you get credit, BECAUSE I get credit."

Joe's creative spirit: "Oh. Okay then." Sits humming to self/me

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

Nell: "Ahem. Back to the topic at hand."

Joe: "Yes. Olaf, you said, 'You're so evil, you make that Tom Nook Look like an adorable animal!' but he is! -- Finally!"

Olaf: "Oh. I guess that was a bad example."

Joe: sarcasm laden "Gee, Ya Think? Man you're an idiot!"

Olaf: "That's it! My troops are dead, and my reindeer, my cities squished, my bum hurts, my legs are asleep, and your infantry are urinating on my Snowy HQ!"

Infantry #777: "Hey, I can write my name!"

Infantry #1693: "I can't! Waah!" Throws hissy fit on top of HQ, squashing it

Olaf: "I lost again!" cries "What do you have to say for yourself!?"

Andy: "You got your but kicked by Joe. I was medicated at the time."gets shot in butt with needle

Joe: "Still are!"

Andy: "Wrenchs!"

Olaf: "Bah! I would've won if Orange star hadn't developed advisors! Because if Andy is the caliber of CO that Orange star is using, I'm surprised I haven't already won!"

Andy: "Wren… ugh… Who the hell are you?

Olaf: "Time to save face! Throughout orange star I was known as…

Nell: "Frosty?"

Andy: "Nell's papa?"

Nell: "That's it! Medication!"

Andy: "Yay! Purple Pills!"

FFTA's Mewt: "Mama?"

Starcrafts Zeratul: "James Raynor?"

Peter Griffin: "Grizzly adams?"

Anonymous: "Grit's Gay boyfriend?"

Grit: "Muh Boyfran'?"

Andy: "Wrench?"

Joe: "Santa claus?"

Olaf: "Yes I'm santa clau-NO! Dammit! You are definitely getting some furnace fuel! Youth these days! No respect! You cheat your way into power, and people treat you like you did something wrong! Grr… call me a wrench, will ya?"

Andy: "Wrench!"

Olaf: "You are so gonna be found dead with a sleigh strut up your bum-bum! Waaaaaaaaaaah!" Runs crying

Andy: "Joe Won! Wrenchs! Wrenchs for all! Stuffs stockings

FIN (or for those of you who don't know the meaning, The End!)

JS: Chapter one of fiction #2, AW Fic #1. Review please, or be attacked by nun-chuck wielding Ice-cream Men/Reanimated corpses that makes Resident Evil look like Palm Springs!

Andy: Wrenchs!

JS: Umm… Andy, it's over. Go back to your padded cell and play the Quiet game.

Andy: Wrenchs! Runs into cell

Js: I'd kill him, but I don't want to have to deal with Stupid Steroid Schmuck or Miss Machinegun Wars world…

Hachi: Just give up.

JS: NEVER! For that you die.

Hachi: Wha…? Dies that's not fair!

JS: Fine then, stay alive! See if I care. And time to eat some eggo waffles! And remember: No matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. I see my work here is done.

Next Chapter: The Texas Indirect Massacre!