Hiya! This was my contribution for Phandom Big Bang 2018. It was a strenuous amount of months working on this, even though it isn't at 10k (it's only at almost 8k). With starting my new job back in July and starting a new semester for college, I needed to find as much free time as possible to type out the fic bit by bit. Nevertheless, I got it done and I'm proud by how it turned out.
This story is based off of a Vocaloid song called Confession Rehearsal by Gumi Megpoid. I'm an angst writer at heart (even though I love humor irl), so listening and watching the MV for the song propelled me to go for a fluffy, less angst, plot rather than my usual sad stuff.
Thank you so much to doddledark over on Tumblr for being my beta. If it weren't for you, I would've missed out on some of my most common errors.
Thank you also to greenteahowell over on Tumblr for doing an artwork for the fic. I've never had an artist before so it's cool to have that first experience. Link to the artwork will be on my profile once greenteahowell is finished with it.
Now on with the story!
"I love you."
A thick tension spreads through the air when the three words elicit from Dan's mouth. Shock spreads across Phil's face, the blue Nintendo Switch JoyCon slipping from his fingers and dropping onto the sofa. It's gaming night in their flat and after an intensive co-op match online on Mario Kart, the two basked in the glory of their latest win. In the heat of the moment, a boost of self-esteem led Dan to say something he probably shouldn't have said.
"W-What?"
Dan gulps. "Sorry it's sudden. I... I love you, Phil. I've loved you for a long, long time."
The silence that falls between them is the longest handful of seconds that passes between them. Why isn't Phil saying anything? Where's the "I love you, too?" followed by the make-out session that'll leave him breathless?
He's quiet because he doesn't love you. He's figuring out how to let you down easy. You made a mistake. Look how stupid you really are. They may have had a bit of a thing in the past, but that was a long time ago. He was barely an adult and didn't know how to function with his budding crush on Phil. Had he not been overcome by the paranoia of what their fans would think of them as a couple, the two of them would've been in an official relationship a long time ago.
Take it back. It's not too late.
"Success!" Dan raises his fist in mock victory. "How was that? Did I come off too strong? Did I make your heart skip a beat?"
"Huh?"
"That must mean it didn't sound too horrible."
"Dan, what are you talking about?"
Dan rocks on his feet. White lies are his forte; it should help him worm his way out of this situation. "I was doing a practice confession."
"Practice confession?"
He nods. "You see, there's this woman I've had my eyes on for a while. I want to tell her how much I like her, but you know how terrible I am with confessions."
"You're not wrong," Phil chuckles. "Looks like you need some help."
"Oh do I."
"I'll help you. I can be your confession partner."
"Thank you!" Phil's latter words clicks into Dan's mind. "Wait what? Confession partner?"
"Yeah. Since you're terrible with getting a girlfriend, you can practice confessing to me. Get you prepared so this lady you're interested in can't say no."
"You will?" Dan didn't expect Phil to make this offer. The most he expected was for Phil to laugh it off and be supportive of Dan's endeavors of his nonexistent human of affection. He didn't foresee an impending future of numerous confessions that would mean nothing to Phil.
"I'm your best friend. What better person to help you than me?"
If he says no, Phil will catch his bluff. If he says yes, he'll torture himself with declaring his love to Phil without Phil being aware of who he truly loves.
At least you can safely say you love him out loud. What's the worst that can happen?
"Alright." Dan picks up the abandoned controller on the sofa, then hands it back to Phil. He really does need to stop listening to the devil on his shoulder.
~:~
"I'm a fucking idiot." Dan slams his face down on the table. He's at his favorite coffee shop with PJ and went on a rant about how he regrets his actions a couple days ago. He should've gotten Phil's rejection over with. Instead, he's sitting here with a white lie over his head and a plan to start his "confession rehearsals" next weekend.
"On the bright side, it could be worse."
"How could it be worse?"
PJ shrugs. "He could've walked out and showed up the next morning drunk out of his wits."
"Not helping." If that happened, Phil could've easily hooked up with someone else and he would've regretted his confession more.
"Sorry."
Dan takes a sip of his latte. Phil is the first person he goes to whenever he has problems, though this is a problem that directly involves Phil. The only person he can remotely trust to give him advice is PJ. Or Louise when she has the time to see him.
"Why didn't you tell it to him?"
"Because I'm a dreary human being with a hopeless one-sided love for the most perfect man on Earth."
"You may be dreary, but you're not hopeless. I'm one hundred percent sure Phil is in love with you too."
"How would you know that?"
"Have you seen the way he looks at you?"
"Love Eyes Lester isn't real."
"Yes it is. If I were you, I'd shoot your shot. Do it before someone else will."
Shoot his shot? Does he have the confidence to be selfish and go after what he wants? to Can he do it without the devil on his shoulder convincing him that he can't?
"Maybe I should do go through with these confession rehearsals," Dan mumbles. He'll probably have an easier time deciphering how Phil wants to hear those three words rather than backing out of their plan without an explanation.
He's willing to survive a few weeks of humiliation if it means overcoming his fear.
~:~
"Phil, I have something for you." Dan digs into the back pocket of his jeans and pulls out a plastic ring he bought from a toy store.
"A ring? Wow, I don't know what to say." Phil takes the ring, and Dan internally screams when their fingers make contact for a fleeting second. "Is there a particular reason why you got me a ring?"
"Ummm... well... I saw it while I was out and you told me how you're at that age where you want to settle down and have kids and all that other stuff. So... why don't you settle down with me?"
"Really? Why?"
"Because... I love you and I want to be the one you settle down with."
Phil shakes his head, handing the ring back to Dan. "Not to be rude, but that was really corny."
"Right?" In the back of Dan's mind, he's wallowing in self-pity. Is Phil implying he doesn't want to get married? If he doesn't want to get married, does that mean he doesn't have feelings for anyone, much less Dan?
"Your confession last weekend was way better than this. This one was cringe."
"Because of the marrying part? What if I don't say that?"
"It still doesn't work. Giving what's-her-name a ring will make her think you're trying to propose to her before you two go out on a first date."
Why didn't Dan consider that in the first place? Phil isn't wrong: the ring implies more of a marriage than a heartfelt confession. "Did I not tell you what's her name?"
"You never mentioned it."
"Her name's Felicia."
Phil laughs. "The girl you fancy has the name of a meme?"
"Ironic, isn't it?"
~:~
"What are you wearing?" Phil eyes Dan in his gold tuxedo, a fancy get-up that Dan thought he'd never wear for a situation not involving TATINOF. With the suit stashed in his closet, Dan thought it would be the golden opportunity (no pun intended) to utilize it for a confession.
"Don't I look dashing?" When Dan wore it for TATINOF, Phil had complimented how good it looked on him. He hopes Phil will say the same thing today.
"Well... yes... but..." Phil sighs. That's not good. "What's purpose does the suit serve?"
For you to love me so I won't look stupid thinking this was a good idea. "You said to go for less cringe."
"You're not wrong. It's sort of less cringe, but are you sure Felicia would like this kind of weird grand gesture?"
"Yes?" If Felicia existed, he would hope she wouldn't be embarrassed at seeing him wearing a faux-expensive suit. Then again, his perfect woman would either have to be as weird as he is, a Phil 2.0, or literally blind.
"Put the suit away. Let's do something else."
~:~
"Thanks for taking me out to dinner." After changing out of the gold suit for his trusty Eclipse t-shirt and dark wash jeans, the two boys are eating dinner at their favorite casual Italian restaurant. Dan wanted to take a break from their practicing, but Phil insisted on taking advantage of going out for dinner to practice his confession should Dan decide on confessing during a friendly one-on-one date.
"It's my treat. You've been working hard all week," Phil says.
"I did. How's your pasta?"
"Delicious." I'd rather eat you instead. "Are you enjoying yourself?"
Phil smiles. "Very much."
Dan smiles back. He isn't wearing tacky clothes or has any cheesy presents. They're in a relatively secluded area of the restaurant and close enough to the exit. They're having decent conversation and there's nothing to hold him back. Do it! Do it! Do it!
"Can you tell me more about the Felicia?"
Dan nearly drops his fork. Why is Phil asking this now out of all places? "What do you want to know?"
"Anything. Aside from her name, you haven't really told me much about her."
"Did I?" Dan's unoccupied hand anxiously grips the edge of the tablecloth. Whatever questions Phil has about Felicia, he's going to have to answer them carefully and remember said answers so Phil doesn't have any suspicions.
"Where's she from?"
"Berkshire."
"Oh, she's from your hometown?"
Dan nods. "We went to school together, but she was a year below me. We never really talked back then."
"When did you fall in love with her?"
"Not too long ago. I ran into her during the holidays last year. Went out to lunch a few times. Bought her some perfume because it was Christmas and it wouldn't hurt giving her a Christmas gift, you know? We kept in contact when I came back to London and I just naturally fell for her."
Phil's eyes softens. He doesn't say anything, but looks at Dan with an incomprehensible expression that makes Dan briefly believe that Phil didn't buy his story.
"She sounds like a great woman. You're not one to fall in love easily nowadays."
"So are you."
"Only because I haven't met my Mrs. Right."
You're my Mr. Right. "Hey Phil?"
"Yes?"
"Can we skip rehearsals tonight? I'll tell you more about Felicia."
~:~
"Don't get mad at me."
"Why would I get mad at you?"
"I may have splurged on something for you."
Phil feigns a dramatic gasp. "But why? What did you buy me?"
"Relax, I didn't buy it in the black market." Dan points to the box on the sofa. "That's for you."
Phil moves to the sofa and picks up the box. "Headphones?"
Dan makes his way to Phil until he's directly behind him. He resists the temptation to wrap his arms around Phil's waist. "Since music is a part of who I am, I want you to be part of the soundtrack to my life."
"Why?"
"I want you to be my love song."
Phil's breath hitches. Dan isn't sure whether or not it was meant to be part of Phil's acting.
"You love me?"
"I do."
Phil places the box back on the sofa, then turns around to face Dan. "I like that."
Dan grins. Following the failure of the ring and his suit, he thought long and hard over how to weave a confession that retained the degree of a sentimental gift, yet lessened the cheesiness.
"You want to know how to make this better?"
"What?"
"Give this to Felicia with a mixed CD of your favorite love songs. Let her really know through music how you love her."
"Great idea. I'll do that."
"Is that it? Are you gonna confess to Felicia soon?"
"Maybe." Dan flushes. He hopes Phil won't read too much into his next words. "Actually, I'm planning to buy another pair of headphones. That one's for you."
"Are you serious?" Seeing Phil light up is the epitome of their confession rehearsals thus far. They're leaving for their hometowns for Christmas soon and Dan knew a rehearsal would be the perfect time to give his Christmas present.
"You said you needed a new pair, so I beat you to the punch."
"Awww... Dan, you didn't have to."
"I buy all of your Christmas presents. This isn't any different."
"But giving it to me after that confession? Is it crazy for me to say I wish that confession was real and for me?"
Dan's stomach does continuous flip-flops. Calm down. He was caught up in the moment. He's just touched like he always is. "Nah. Seemed like it was taken straight out of a fanfiction."
"Don't you mean a phanfiction?"
Dan groans, amused by Phil's typical puns. "Merry Christmas, you dork."
~:~
"Adrian, you're gonna be fine." Dan watches his younger brother pace back and forth in their kitchen. It's Christmas Eve at his family home and the Howells are waiting for the family of Adrian's girlfriend, Shauna Kavanagh, to arrive. It's the first time the two families are being properly introduced to each other and Dan sympathizes for Adrian's nervousness. Who wouldn't be apprehensive of the possibility of his girlfriend's family not getting along with his own family? Although Adrian and Shauna have only been dating for about six months, family introductions are the gateway of determining if their relationship is meant to last.
"What if Mum and Dad don't like them? What if you and her older sister don't get along? Dan, I love Shauna. I can't lose her like this."
"What's her sister like?"
"Savannah? She's cool?"
"Cool as in skater girl cool? Goth cool? Magazine model cool? Freak in the sheets cool?"
"Stop teasing me, Dan. You'll like her. Don't know if Mum and Dad will."
"Why?"
"I don't know... you know parents. They can find anything to nitpick on."
"C'mon, little bro. You know Mum isn't like that. Maybe Dad, but he's not that mean."
The doorbell rings, cutting off further conversation. Adrian yelps, then scurries to the front door. Dan sighs, watching Adrian through the open door between the living room and kitchen. He's standing a safe distance away to give Adrian room to talk to Shauna and her family while being ready to be Adrian's wing-man if something goes wrong.
A tall woman who seems a few inches shorter than Dan catches his attention. He assumes she's Savannah since she looks similar to the girl that Adrian is having his own heart eyes toward. His eyes are drawn to her crossed arms and overall choice of black for her wardrobe. He doesn't want to assume anything, but who is he kidding? Anyone who chooses to wear black on a season of reds and greens must have an inner emo or goth.
Is this what Adrian meant by his opinion that Dan will get along with Savannah? Dan is wearing a Christmas-themed jumper, though he still chose to pair it with black pajamas. Is he wrong to hope that he'll easily befriend Savannah?
He plasters a smile on his face to cover up his own anxiety as Shauna and her family enter the kitchen. Hand-in-hand, Shauna and Adrian introduce their respective families to one another. Dan shakes hands with Mr. and Mrs. Kavanagh, and when he reaches Savannah, she looks up at him with kindness swirling in her green irises and a blush tinting her cheeks.
"I never thought I'd ever get to meet you."
Shauna giggles. "She's been a huge fan of you for years and freaked out when I told her I was dating your brother."
"At least you love me for me," Adrian says. "Did you know how many chicks I went through that didn't claw their way to me just to get to Dan?"
Savannah blushes even more. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna be a massive fangirl and ask for favors. Honestly, I'm happy to see my sister find someone who cares about her. I've seen enough assholes in her life to know she deserves a boy like Adrian."
Realizing that he's still holding Savannah's hand, Dan releases his grip. He can tell that Savannah is one of those down-to-earth fans. Her shyness is apparent and reminds him of himself when he was around girls at Adrian's age. Her apparent clothing preference is a favorable bonus.
"I hope we can be good friends," Savannah says. In some way, her smile reminds Dan of Phil's. Dan smiles at the thought of Phil, wondering if he's having a pleasant Christmas Eve too.
"I hope so too."
~:~
The atmosphere during dinner is filled with light conversations between the two families. Adrian's concerns of the two families not getting along is proven wrong when any form of tension didn't come up the entire time. Their mothers and fathers easily bond with one another, while Dan and Savannah have deep discussions about their own personal interests. To Dan's surprise, he and Savannah nearly have the exact same music tastes and obsess heavily over their respective favorite fandoms.
For a few hours, talking to Savannah prevents Dan from stressing out over his rehearsal confessions with Phil. It's not everyday that Dan meets someone who mirrors his personality. Savannah reminds him of a feminine version of himself and Phil put together: having a bizarre curiosity of the world like Phil but the inner darkness and self-deprecation like himself. Had he seen Savannah in a different situation, he would likely not have the energy to approach her.
"So you and Savannah, eh?" Adrian remarks. The Kavanaghs left about an hour ago and the Howell brothers are walking upstairs to go to bed for the night. Adrian is bouncing on his feet, obviously elated by how well the dinner went.
"What about Savannah?"
"You got her number." Minutes before the Kavanaghs left, Dan took the risk to ask Savannah for her phone number. He knew he'd likely see her again if Shauna and Adrian stay as a long-term couple, but the animosity between him and Savannah was something he wanted to continue once he went back to London. To his relief, Savannah was more than happy to exchange phone numbers and went the extra mile to promise him to keep their friendship a secret from the internet. Dan wouldn't have minded if his fans knew about their friendship (it wasn't 2012 anymore and he knew how to handle his fans should they harass her online), but he appreciated the gesture nonetheless.
"And?"
"You didn't have to get her number."
"I wanted to."
"Why?"
"What are you implying?"
"Nothing." A hint of a smirk appears on Adrian's face. "Are you two friends now?"
"Do you have a problem with her being my friend?"
"Not at all."
Dan sighs. He had a feeling this was coming. "Don't get your hopes up. She's just a friend."
"Just a friend." The two stop outside Adrian's room. Adrian opens the door and Dan follows him inside. "Do I have to spell it out for you?"
"Don't."
"G-E-T-"
"Adrian-"
"L-A-I-D." Adrian breaks into guffaws. "When was the last time you got some?"
"Do we have to talk about this?"
"Yes! Dude, you're almost 30 and clearly not getting enough action in your life. Savannah's hot and your type. Why not go for it?"
"You know why."
"Yeah, yeah. You're balls deep in love with Phil. Don't get me wrong, I still want you two to be together, but you're always saying he doesn't love you too. I've seen you and Savannah tonight and trust me, I bet Mum and Dad think you two would be a good couple."
Thoughts of rehearsal confessions resurface in Dan's head. The point of the rehearsals were to build Dan's confidence toward pursuing love. When Dan recounts tonight's dinner to Phil on their next phone call or video chat, Phil could very well assume that Savannah is Felicia. He shouldn't add fuel to his growing white lie, but his fear of rejection still dominates his need to tell Phil how he feels. The longer Dan doesn't tell the truth to Phil, the more curious Phil would be about Felicia. Phil has no idea how Felicia looks like; eventually, Dan would have to show Phil a photo of Felicia if he wants to continue his lie.
"Phil and I have history," Dan says in a hushed tone. "No girl on the entire planet could make me stop loving Phil."
"I know," Adrian answers in a serious tone. "I don't want you to die alone. What if we're all wrong and Phil doesn't return your feelings? Mum, Dad, and I can't bear seeing you fall back into your emo self. I hate seeing you heartbroken. When you're all the way in London, it's not easy for us to drop everything and see you when your depression hits."
"I'll be okay." Dan gives Adrian a pat on his shoulder. He feels guilty whenever he sees how Adrian worries over his older brother's well-being. "It's almost Christmas. Let's not think about it right now."
~:~
"Merry Christmas, Dan!" Phil chirps. The sound of Phil's voice on the morning of Christmas Day over the phone stirs a fluttering of butterflies in Dan's chest. His chest never ceases to be bursting with joy whenever Phil greets him on every major holiday since they met. Prior to meeting Phil, the only people who constantly greeted him on major holidays were his own family.
"Merry Christmas, Philly."
"How's Felicia?"
"Who?"
"Uh... your almost girlfriend?"
Dan mentally face-palms. How stupid is he to momentarily forget the name of his fake crush? "Great. We had dinner last night."
"Really? How was it?"
"Nice."
"Nice? Dan, it couldn't be just nice. Did anything happen between you two? Did you two come close to kissing? What did you get her for Christmas? Are you-"
"Nothing happened," Dan cuts Phil off. "Felicia and her family had dinner with me and my parents, so nothing could've happened anyway."
"Bummer. I thought you would've finally made use of our rehearsals."
"I will. Just... not now."
"When then? After New Years, you're probably not gonna see her for another long while." Dan pictures Phil shaking his head in slight disappointment. "I know I'm not there to help you, but maybe this is the right time. Don't let this chance of seeing her again slip away."
"Phil-"
"Why aren't you more worried about losing her? Don't you love her? If you love her, you should do more to pursue her. The longer you put this off, the more closer she is to finding another man she'll love who'll love her back the same way." The change in Phil's tone ruins the good mood that Dan was in. He doesn't have a lot of huge arguments with Phil, yet Dan has a bad feeling that Phil's choice of words is leading them toward a conversation that Dan wasn't looking forward to having on Christmas.
"I am worried. Do you not think that I love her so much that I count down the days till every one of my visits back to Berkshire? Do you not think of how my heart heart hurts every night I think about the idea that the next time I see her, she'll tell me she's dating someone else? Do you not think that some of my depressive episodes were caused by doubting I have one percent of a chance to be with her?"
"You don't get it. Dan, all you're doing is wasting time. You're so caught up with being scared of rejection that you're forgetting how it's not impossible for Felicia to love you back."
"So you're saying I'm a bad person for being cautious," Dan deadpans.
"That's not what I'm saying."
"You don't know anything. It was your idea of doing these stupid rehearsals in the first place. I didn't need your help. I could've handled it on my own without your interference." In the back of Dan's mind, his conscience is trying to stop him from spewing out the harsh truth. He knows he has the wrong choice of words, but his current irritation doesn't give a fuck.
"I was trying to help!" Phil exclaims.
"This wasn't the help I asked for."
"I'm sorry. It's Christmas. I don't want to fight."
"Maybe you should've thought about that before you called me."
"You can't blame me for going out of my way to do all those rehearsals with you. I'm doing everything I can to help you get the happiness you deserve," Phil says softly.
"My happiness is with Felicia. I love her, not you. You don't have to waste your own time on me when you can direct that energy on searching for your own true love."
"I can't do that."
"Why?"
"Because..." Phil trails off.
"Because what?"
"Never mind."
"Because what? Why aren't you trying to find your Mrs. Lester?"
"Because... it's not important. Romance isn't my priority. You and YouTube are."
Dan isn't convinced that Phil gave his true motives, but he decides not to question it. He just wants the phone call to end. "Merry Christmas. I have to go."
"Dan, talk to me."
"Bye." Dan taps the end call icon before Phil could respond. This isn't the Christmas call from Phil he envisioned. He let the stress and the pressure from the confession rehearsals influence him to push Phil away. If he hadn't been a bitch toward Phil today, his crankiness would've been doubled on another day.
Dan throws a pillow to the wall. Fuck my life.
~:~
On New Years Eve, the Kavanaghs spend the last night of the year at the Howells' house. While Shauna and Adrian are setting up firecrackers outside with their parents, Dan is cooped up in his room. He hadn't spoken with Phil since their argument and spent the last few days keeping himself busy by hanging out with Savannah. Being around Savannah had distracted him from succumbing into his depression, although it wasn't enough for him to fall back into thoughts about Phil.
Dan should call and apologize to Phil. It would be bad luck to let the tension simmer into the new year. This is the longest he's gone without contacting Phil following an argument. This is probably the biggest argument they've ever had, all because of his cowardice to tell Phil the truth about his feelings.
"Need someone to be an emo with you?" Savannah stands at the open doorway, her brown hair tied up in a messy ponytail. For the first time, Dan notices how pretty she really is. Sans makeup, she embodies the type of woman of his dreams. If his heart wasn't this invested in Phil, he would've followed Adrian's advice and tried going after Savannah.
"Hey Sav."
"All I get is a hey?"
"Sorry... I'm not in the new years mood, is all."
"I noticed." She walks into his room and sits down next to him on the bed. He wishes he could be a normal man and feel some sort of attraction toward Savannah. Things would be easier on himself and his family if he dated someone like Savannah who's both good for him and has some sort of unselfish interest in him. "Do you want me to leave?"
"No." It would do him good to have a companion he can trust to talk about his problems to.
"Did you and Phil have a falling out?"
Dan looks at her, surprised. Since Christmas, he did his best to seem not bothered by his phone call with Phil around his family and the Kavanaghs. Either Savannah is great at reading people or he's a bad actor. He hopes it isn't the latter.
"I don't want to burden you with details."
"You can tell me. It's not like I have a lot of friends."
Dan chuckles. It's times like this when he's glad to have a female friend who relates to him. "Yes. Phil and I had a bit of a fight a few days ago."
"Lovers' spat, eh?" she teases.
"Minus the lovers part, then you're spot on."
"Do you...?" Savannah flushes. "You get this question a lot, so I shouldn't be asking, but do you like Phil?"
Coming from Savannah, he's not annoyed at all to hear it from her. "I more than like him."
"You love him? And you two aren't a couple?"
"It's a long story."
"I have time."
"Well, for a shortened version, back in the lovely year of 2012, Phil and I sort of liked each other. We dated for a while and were almost at that stage of being in love when I called it off because somehow there was a leak for proof of Phan being an official thing. I wasn't ready to come out to our fans yet, so I broke up with him before our relationship got any more serious."
"I don't mean to sound rude, but did you break up with Phil because you were scared?"
Dan nods.
She sighs, leaning further back on the bed so her back is against the wall. "You really should tell him how you feel."
"Er... I can't do that yet."
"Why not?"
"I kind of lied and told him I love someone else."
"Why would you do that?"
For the next few minutes, Dan recounts the events since his almost confession and their confession rehearsals. Savannah doesn't interrupt him, only keeping his eyes on him throughout his story. Dan feels better telling his feelings about Phil to a person other than Adrian. It's refreshing for him to allow a woman that he hasn't known for too long into the deeper parts of his brain.
"So let me see if I got this right. You tried to tell Phil you love him, you lied that your confession was your way of practicing how to tell your feelings to someone else, Phil becomes your test monkey while you practiced more confessions, somehow you convince Phil there's an actual person you love that isn't him, and you two had an argument because you were tired of hearing Phil encourage you to confess."
"Yup."
"Wow."
"That doesn't sound like a good wow."
"No, no. This is similar to something that happened to one of my close friends."
Dan raises an eyebrow. So he isn't the only extreme chicken in the UK?
"What happened with your friend?"
"Do you want the long or short version?"
"Long." He would rather talk to her than go outside.
It's his turn to listen attentively to Savannah. She explains how her close friend, Edith, was in love with a man, Greg, that she met in uni and became one of her best male friends. Similar to Dan, she was fearful to lose him as a friend should she confess that she had wanted him in her life as more than a friend. Her fear would be her biggest mistake when he was set up on a blind date with a woman, Hillary, that later became his girlfriend. To her discouragement, his girlfriend didn't become the stuck-up bitch Edith wanted her to be. Instead, she clearly saw how his girlfriend genuinely cared about him and accepted his friendships with other women, especially Edith. There was no trace of toxicity that could've given Edith the opening to convince him to break up with Hillary.
"They got married a few months ago. Edith's still hung up over Greg, but she's moving forward."
"Did she ever tell Greg how she felt?"
Savannah nods, a forlorn expression on her face. "She told him a week before the wedding. She thought she had nothing to lose since he was going to marry the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with,"
"How did that go?"
"Pretty heartbreaking. Edith told me he wished she told him before he met Hillary because he was interested in her too. He always wanted to ask her out, but he was unsure about doing it since he knew Edith is picky with men and he thought he wasn't her type."
"Youch."
"Strange how it all works out, huh? If one of them said something a long time ago, they would've been the married couple today." She sighs. "But if that happened, who knows if you and I would've met."
"Oh god, not the multiverse theory." Dan strongly believes in the existence of parallel universes, although a discussion of the infinite amount of universes in the galaxy should be saved for another time.
"Anyway, I could've been the one to say something, but it wasn't my place to intervene. I didn't want to piss off any of them and it was all one-sided. It's partially my fault too."
"None of it is your fault." If Dan was in her shoes, he would've stuck to giving subtle hints between the two star-crossed friends rather than outright telling one of them and risk awkwardness if the hopeful reaction didn't unfold out of it. "You couldn't control the outcome."
"Mmm-hmm. So don't be like Greg and Hillary. Don't wait until it's too late. Imagine if Phil met his soul mate tomorrow while you're still here back home. Can you imagine living the rest of your life regretting not saying anything sooner?"
"Nope," Dan replies immediately. "I'd rather die a shriveled old hermit than marry someone I don't love."
"Then don't waste time. When you get back to London, you tell Phil that you don't need these 'confession rehearsals' anymore. And when he says he loves you too, you kiss him until you need CPR."
Dan laughs. She's right. He danced around the issue for so long. He has to avoid Edith's scenario from applying to him and Phil too. It's not the biggest tragedy if Phil only views him as a friend; it'll only be a tragedy if 2012 repeats himself and he can't bear to be around Phil without being reminded of his feelings for him. He's mature enough now that he won't hold something as serious as a rejection against Phil.
"Can I ask you one more thing?"
"Hmm?"
"How's Edith doing now? Think she'll ever find herself another Greg?"
Savannah winks. "Let's just say it's time for me to play Cupid for her."
~:~
During the afternoon of January 1st, Dan picks up his phone and calls Phil.
"Hello?"
"I'm sorry."
~:~
Dan's clammy hands smooths out the tablecloth on the flat's kitchen tabletop. He's dressed in one of his more formal shirts that Savannah recommended he should wear, black jeans (because black goes with practically anything), and a pair of new shoes he bought online specifically for tonight. Since returning to London after spending the holidays in his hometown, he made a full apology to Phil in person and promised to do a last confession rehearsal before doing his official confession to Felicia. And maybe it was his days spent with Savannah, but he could've sworn that Phil seemed sad that their rehearsals are drawing to a close.
Lamp: on. Food cooked: still warm. Clothes: they're not messy. Rose petals: god I have to clean this up tomorrow. Dan surveys his surroundings, making sure there isn't a single thing out of place. With Savannah and PJ's advice, he built the environment that he always envisioned to confess his love to Phil in. A simple romantic dinner in their apartment with music playing in the background is an optimal idea that doesn't pressure him compared to other ideas from previous rehearsals.
What song should I play? Muse? Man, which one? There's too many to choose from. In Dan's semi-flurry of thoughts, he misses the click of the doorknob to the front door being unlocked. December by Neck Deep plays as the front door swings open. Are you fucking kidding me? Not a good song to set the mood. He hastily picks up his phone from the table and taps on the shuffle icon. Irresistible by Fall Out Boy plays next. It's a slightly better pick, but not what he has in mind. He continues tapping on the shuffle icon, hoping a good romantic song will play before Phil goes into the kitchen.
He breathes a sigh of relief once Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden comes up. Note to self: stop downloading so much sad shit.
"Did you really spend the last few minutes changing what song to play?" Phil asks, his eyes flickering around the room.
Dan pouts. "Don't tease me."
Phil looks down on the floor. "Rose petals? I like where this is going."
"Thanks. Sa... errr Peej helped me pick them out." Nice save, doof.
"Peej has good taste."
"He deserves credit in that department."
"You look fired up."
Dan nods. "This'll be the last time I'm doing this, after all."
Phil walks further into the kitchen, and Dan takes it as his cue to bring the dishes to the table. He calculates his steps carefully, being mindful not to trip over thin air like he sometimes does. He wants the minutes leading up to his confession to go as smoothly as possible. Plus, who'd want to waste the food he spent half the afternoon cooking?
Once Dan places the last dish on the table, Dan takes a deep breath and utters the words he practiced to say out loud. "Before we eat, there's something I'd like to tell you."
"What's up?"
Dan gazes into Phil's eyes. The gentleness in Phil's eyes prompts Dan to grab Phil's hands. Ignoring the familiar nerves rattling in his body, the words naturally tumble out of his mouth.
"I love you. I've always loved you."
The minute of silence that passes seems like the most excruciating minute that ever passed for Dan. He closes his eyes, bracing himself for Phil's response. Is this it? Am I about to be rejected? We've had a good run, didn't we?
"I think it sounds good."
Dan's eyelids snap open. Wait what?
Phil releases Dan's hands. "You're done, right? That was your confession. That's what you should say to Felicia. Keep it short and sweet."
"H-huh?"
Phil sits down on one of the chairs. "This looks delicious. Let's eat, shall we?"
No... no, this isn't practice. That was real. Phil... it's not getting across to him.
The side of Phil's lips curve upward. "For the real thing, give it your all and Felicia can't say no."
"I..." Dan's voice trembles. He has to say it again. Maybe Phil will listen to him this time. "I love you."
"I love you too, Dan. Eat with me before the food gets cold."
"Don't eat yet." Phil is startled when Dan rashly moves to his side of the table, kneels down, and snakes his arms around Phil's neck. "Don't you get it? Practicing was all a lie. I was trying to confess to you that night. Felicia doesn't exist. I love you, Phil. I love you so much that it's unbearable."
"Dan-"
"I'm not the most handsome man on Earth. I get jealous when I see you with other girls. I want to go on real dates with you as boyfriends. I know I can be selfish and idiotic, but you still put up with me. You're the only one my heart wants. You're the only one I want to spend my life with." Dan presses his forehead on Phil's shoulder. "Please don't hate me. If you don't love me back, I can live with it."
The next bout of silence that falls agonizes Dan further. He wills himself not to cry in Phil's presence. All the weeks of rehearsals cultivated into this, a definitive confession that he can't take back this time. If he's going to be turned down after all the rehearsals he went through, then it's worth it. At least he put it out there and he no longer has to wonder if Phil loves him the way he loves Phil.
"So... I'm the only one you love?"
"Yes, yes. I've loved you for years."
Phil lightly pushes Dan back, and Dan braces himself for the response he doesn't want to hear. So it astonishes Dan when Phil grabs Dan's face and kisses him. Frozen, Dan basks in the sensation of Phil's lips on his. He hasn't been kissed by Phil for years. Wishful thinking doesn't compare to the reality of an imagination he was convinced would never happen again. Phil's kissing me. HOLY SHIT PHIL IS KISSING ME. KISS HIM BACK, YOU IDIOT.
"Why didn't you say so? I love you too," Phil says when their joined mouths detach.
Dan blinks twice. "Are you telling me I was worried sick all these years for nothing?"
"Sorry?"
Dan groans, moving to stand up. "You could've saved me all these weeks from these rehearsals! Do you know how hard it is to come up with a confession that hasn't been done? Do you know how much shoujo I had to watch as research?"
"Sorry again?"
"Ugh. You're lucky I love you."
"I'm not that good with confessions either, but you could've told me without doing all this. When I thought you were confessing to me that night, I was so happy. After we broke up, I was waiting for the right time to ask you if we could try dating again."
"Why didn't you?"
Phil shrugs. "You didn't seem interested. I assumed you moved on, so I just gave up on that dream and was okay with being single for eternity."
"We're both at fault, I guess." Dan grabs Phil's hand once again. The warmth of their joined hands relieves the nerves he felt all day. If he could have it his way, he'd forgo eating dinner for satisfying his hunger through time with Phil in one of their bedrooms. But he can do that later. He skipped lunch earlier to prepare for tonight, so he's absolutely starving.
He settles for kissing Phil again.
~:~
Sometime after one AM when Phil is fast asleep, Dan retreats to the bathroom with his phone and dials Savannah's number.
"So how'd it go?" she immediately questions.
"Do you want the good news or bad news first?"
"Give whatever tea you wanna serve first."
"Well... I can't wear the shirt you told me to wear anymore."
"Why not?"
"Phil ripped it."
"Why would he- Oh. Oh." He pictures her grinning and silently screaming. It's the same reaction he has whenever he watches romantic anime scenes.
"Phil's my boyfriend now."
Her high-pitched squeal causes Dan to slightly squeal. Jesus Christ, is this what my fans hear when I scream on the gaming channel? "You're finally a thing! Congratulations and it's about fricking time."
"I know, right? Thanks for all your help. Really. I couldn't have done this without you."
"Shauna's gonna flip when I tell her you said that."
He chuckles. He's thrilled at the prospect of figuring out how to reveal their relationship to the internet once he and Phil tell their friends and family.
"By the way, why did you tell the good news so late? What if I was asleep?"
"I know you wouldn't be. You're as much of an insomniac as I am."
"True."
"Do you really want to know why I called you late?" Dan flushes, remembering the activities of the last couple of hours. If he and Phil were more in shape, Dan wouldn't be calling Savannah about the good news until morning.
"On second thought, spare me. Don't corrupt my brain with more details than I can handle."
~:~
"You good?" Phil turns on the camera, then goes to sit on the chair on Dan's left.
"All set, dad."
Phil laughs. "You better not call me that when we're filming."
"Why not? That's what our fans already call us."
"Beg me then."
"Stop," Dan says with a groan. "You better leave this out when we edit."
"I'll think about it."
Dan sighs. "Why do I love you?"
"Because you do." Phil pecks Dan's cheek.
"Show me you love me later."
"Yes dad."
Dan turns to face the camera, snickering under his breath. He's considering adding that as part of the bloopers reel for the end of the video.
"Hello internet." Dan waves to the camera. "Phil and I have something important to tell you."